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My best friend of over 10 yrs has just disappeared out of my life


Cowgirl_Warrior

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This topic is really hard for me but I know I don't want to just forget it. My best friend and I have been friends for over 10 years now. We meet each other when we kept our horses at the same place. As the years went by we became very close. When I moved she even kept her horse at my place. We literally have done everything together. Almost every picture I have of adventures shes in it. Then came the day that broke my heart. Let me start off by saying she's always had family problems. Her family is full of liars and narcissists. Figuratively speaking, they are trying to trip each other every second they get. My friend is the most normal in that family. Anyways, the day came where her mom for some reason tried to convince her that we were trying to take her horse from here. Which there was absolutely no reason for that to even be thought, she just needed a reason to break us apart. Which her mom succeeded. My friend moved her horse to her grandma's and we didn't talk for about a year. Eventually she reached out to me and we became friends again. We were inseparable and saw each other almost everyday. I went on trips with her grandma and her. Whenever she needed help or helping her do something for her grandma, I was there. I would drop everything and come to her aid. So would my dad. Countless times we rescued her when her car broke down or fixed it for her. She lived with us for a whole summer. This girl wasn't just my best friend, she was my sister. I cared about her with all my heart and still do. Fast forward to only like two years ago. She finally got a boyfriend that she thought she was gonna marry. That's when she started slipping out of my life. Everything became about him and he was controlling and didn't want me around her. It wasn't until they broke up after almost a year that I had my friend back. Now she moved back with her mom (she was living with her grandma) and I haven't seen her in almost a year... Again. What's worse, she doesn't talk to me and ignores my messages. Now I understand that people grow up, change, drift away but how can you do that to the person you've spent every waking moment with. To the person that was always there for you when no one else has. I don't claim to be the greatest friend on the planet but I'm loyal and I don't leave people. When they need me, I'm there. I've given up trying to talk to her cause I figure I've tried enough. I see her on Facebook hanging out with other people and doing things so it's not like she just has no time for me. She doesn't even talk to her grandma anymore. I just don't understand why this is happening, is it cause of her family, or was my stressful life too much for her stressful life? Even though it's nothing we haven't handled before. Does she just not need me anymore because she now has others to do everything I did for her? I can't help but wonderful if all this time she was just pretending and using me because I can't find a good reason as to why she's doing this. I've tried really hard to forget about it but it's becoming impossible. Especially when my family and other friends always ask where she is or why she's not around. She still looks at my Snapchat story or likes things of mine on Facebook. I've considered going to her work at a restaurant and trying to talk to her but I don't believe that would be the right way to go about this. Any advice would be great because I'm at a total loss. Do I just give up and forget about our friendship? Even though we even have a matching tattoo, she sold me her old horse, every picture she's in it, and apparently the last 10 years mean nothing.

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This friendship seems very codependent OP... what exactly are you getting out of a relationship with someone that continuously disappears on you without explanation?

 

I get that this is hard... I've been through similar things with friends, I think we all have.

 

It's just that there comes a point when you need to decide whether all of this chasing her around is really worth it when it doesn't seem to be reciprocated in kind.

 

Food for thought.

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I agree. Don't get me wrong she's done stuff for me and been there for me. I've just done more for her than she has me because I'm way more skilled at fixing things and all that stuff. At least... That's what I've believed. It's just hard to want to put blame on her when I don't even know what I've done wrong, if anything. It sure does seem like whenever she has someone else to help her suddenly she doesn't need me anymore. I guess I just wish I knew why she's doing this.

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People tend to drift apart a little when they get a boyfriend or girlfriend. You say she "finally" got a boyfriend. Does that imply you think something is wrong with her?

 

Accept that she has a boyfriend now. Like her stuff on social media. Occasionally send her a joke or say hi but don't chase her around

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I wouldn't try to make rhyme nor reason as to why she continues to ignore you and dropped you as a friend. It happened to me whether friends or cousins. We were super close and then we faded out of each others lives.

 

There are so many reasons. It could be she simply lost interest in you which happens. People use others and unfortunately, if there isn't a need nor benefit for them, people drop friends or even family members (relatives / in-laws). Perhaps she has inner turmoil and insurmountable personal problems which you don't know of and she doesn't have brain space for you. Some people drift away if you no longer see one another as often anymore. It becomes "out of sight, out of mind." Perhaps her mom is jealous; not just her grandma. I don't know. Or, perhaps she has a boyfriend or fiance you don't know about.

 

I was close to some friends and when I became engaged, married and eventually my 2 sons came into the picture, I was just as guilty and dropped several friends without an explanation. I didn't have the same time and energy to maintain friendships because I became so darn busy and happier with my new life.

 

Try not to psychoanalyze the why's too much because you'll drive yourself crazy. Just accept that your friendship had run its 10 year course and it's time to move onto new friendships in your life. I'm sorry you mourn the loss of your friendship with her. I too miss some friendships such as the dear friendship I had with my cousin. Unfortunately, life changes for many people and you have no control over that.

 

Don't pursue her. Don't go to her workplace nor confront. She's giving you the message to leave her alone by her actions of ignoring you. Take heed and respect her wishes. Take a hint. She doesn't want anything to do with you. It's her choice so respect her choices and decisions even if you don't like it nor agree with her. There's nothing you can do. Never grovel.

 

Hold you head high, be strong and carry on. I do the same.

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Abitbroken, to answer your question, she didn't have a boyfriend for many years because she went through a bad breakup. I never said or thought there was anything wrong with her. She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore. I do understand that people get busy and fade apart but that isn't an excuse to just completely ignore someone. I'm the kind of person that doesn't believe in just leaving someone or ignoring them. I was raised that you always stick by the ones you care about and you always make time for what and who is important to you. It's hard to accept that she could do this when I would never do that. I have another friend I've been friends with for over 15 years and we went a span where we didn't talk much or see each other but we were still always there for each other. I don't know why she would still take an interest in my life if she was just done with me.

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Abitbroken, to answer your question, she didn't have a boyfriend for many years because she went through a bad breakup. I never said or thought there was anything wrong with her. She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore. I do understand that people get busy and fade apart but that isn't an excuse to just completely ignore someone. I'm the kind of person that doesn't believe in just leaving someone or ignoring them. I was raised that you always stick by the ones you care about and you always make time for what and who is important to you. It's hard to accept that she could do this when I would never do that. I have another friend I've been friends with for over 15 years and we went a span where we didn't talk much or see each other but we were still always there for each other. I don't know why she would still take an interest in my life if she was just done with me.

 

I was addressing the term "FINALLY" got a boyfriend.

 

I think you had a lot in common when you were younger and those common things sort of started to decline. i am only friends with one person i was friends with when i was 25 years or younger. We reconnected a few years ago on social media. None of the other people in our small friends group are friends with us from back then either. She has not DONE anything to you -- her life just grew in a different direction. I think you should not get mad at her. Her life might overlap with yours again sometime.

I was raised that you always stick by the ones you care about and you always make time for what and who is important to you.

 

why not work on making more friends? Everyone has different types of friends - work friends, friends you grew up with, new friends. My friend from childhood and i don't talk a lot, but when we do, we pick up where we left off with neither of us feeling obligated to the other

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barrelracer715, It is indeed rude to completely ignore you. I don't approve of simply casting you aside with nary an explanation. I agree with you; it is unacceptable behavior.

 

She has an interest in your life simply out of curiosity and checking up on you on her terms without resuming friendship with you. Her behavior is very unkind.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. :upset: I'm sorry you're hurt.

 

I've had friends and a cousin who disrespected and abandoned me, too. I've since moved on and created my own happiness in other ways and I hope you will, too.

 

Try not to preoccupy yourself with your friend who is no more. She's not worth your time and energy.

 

Since she is treating you with disrespect, she's not much of a friend, is she? Now that you know the unsavory side to her character, it's a rude awakening for you and you're better off not having this type of "friend." A real friend doesn't treat you this way. A real friend is considerate and if they part ways with you, they explain as opposed to leaving you hanging. Never long nor yearn for a friend who doesn't treat you with consideration and respect.

 

It's time to surround yourself with high quality people and new friends who know how to be honorable, decent human beings.

 

I'm fortunate. My best friend is a friend whom I've known ever since 4th grade. She was my maid-of-honor, our sons are the same age and we reside locally. My other close local friend is a former colleague.

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She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore.

 

How do you know that for sure, seeing as you haven't been in contact for a while?

 

Are you stalking her on line? If so, you need to stop doing that. It is unhealthy for you.

 

Unfriend/delete her from your social media, and stop obsessing over this.

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Now I understand that people grow up, change, drift away but how can you do that to the person you've spent every waking moment with. To the person that was always there for you when no one else has. I don't claim to be the greatest friend on the planet but I'm loyal and I don't leave people. When they need me, I'm there.

 

I don't think you do understand (yet). But it's a hard fact of life that you should wrap your mind around as soon as possible: Being a friend to someone, spending time with them, lending a helping hand to them in times of need, being loyal--these things are great qualities, but they aren't chains that prevent others from leaving.

 

When they go, they go. Plain and simple. Let them go.

 

Maybe they'll come back, maybe they won't. They are free to pursue their own hearts just as you are. They don't owe you anything and you don't owe them.

 

And on that note, have you questioned your own thinking on the matter? Why do your past "friendship services" obligate her to make time for you now? Did you do these things from the kindness of your own heart, or did you do them to create an obligation or ingratiate yourself to her.

 

These questions are for you to think about and you don't have to answer here and you don't have to come up with an answer right away. But do think about it and be honest with yourself about the answer. Creating a sense of obligation never cements a relationship.

 

Enjoy what you have while you have it because it's not written in stone.

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All friends are not devoted and loyal for life. Perhaps they are for the time being depending on what stage in life you're at, where you are located and frequency of seeing one another. As life evolves and changes for many, so do their associations. People move away, change jobs, get married, have families, join new churches and organizations and their phases change. Some friends remain for your entire lifetime whereas many friends are only temporary.

 

Friends will waft in and out of your life, come and go. Some friends are conditional and some are are unconditional.

 

I've seen these friendship changes in my parents generation and in my life. It's universal.

 

I've noticed life long friends tend to see each other often within their locale for decades especially if no one moves away. I know there are stories of friendships where each friend resides thousands of miles apart but those friendships are not as easy to maintain because too much absence doesn't make the heart grow fond anymore.

 

My long time friends whom I see frequently reside within 30 minutes from my house so naturally it's easier to maintain these types of friendships. I've met close friends at church which is nearby and they live nearby, too.

 

Know that some friends are keepers for life and some friends will be with you for a certain time and move on. Try not to feel sad. Accept that you are not alone and millions of people feel the same as you do.

 

I know it's hard to start new friendships all over again but that's how it is. You start over and if you're lucky, certain friends will remain with you for life. Don't give up. Another friend will come along in your life and you will be fine. Just be prepared that not everyone will stick around for the long term. Some friends are short term and you'll be surprised that some friends are here to stay for you.

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Was this a romance? How happy are you with your life? Do you have a job? Are you experiencing any sort of breakup or other problems? It seems you simply grew apart so do not stalk or confront her. Try to make other friends. Make an appointment with a doctor for a complete evaluation. You realize this is not about her.

I've considered going to her work at a restaurant and trying to talk to her but I don't believe that would be the right way to go about this. we even have a matching tattoo
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No. I barely even go on social media at all. I'm not that kind of person. Regardless of if she does or not, it doesn't matter. You don't ignore people or push them out of your life just because you're in a relationship. The past few bfs I've had, I always included her and wanted her opinions because friends sometimes see the unhealthy things better than you can. But... She always wanted me to drop doing stuff with them to be with her and I did a lot. So there would be no right for her to think she couldn't give up a little time with them.

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Has it ever occurred to you that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and that she is just as narcissistic as the rest of her family? Very typical of narcissists to find and latch on to people like you - highly giving, loyal, empathetic and basically use you and feed off you, but also very typical for these types to drop people/relationships/friendships cold and come back on and off as they feel the need to use you again as their other sources of attention/usefulness might be running low.

 

Whoever said you sound highly codependent .... you really should give that some thought. Yes, you have good qualities, but also sounds like you lack some healthy boundaries and that will get you into a heap of trouble throughout life unless you take stock and figure it out. Being a good and loyal friend is one thing, but giving up on your own life or bf just because your friend demanded it from you is not normal or healthy on your end.

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This was not a romance at all! She was basically my sister, what more is there to understand. I'm not some crazy stalker or mental crazy person. But I do have depression so yes it makes it harder to deal with but it has never made me stop my life or do stupid things. I have 2 jobs, a bf I've been with for 4 years, in college, and compete in horse events. I'm just a person that lost there best friend that they did everything with.

Cherylyn, thank you I really appreciate. I'm glad to know someone can see it my way. I've always know that growing up can mean growing apart. I've definitely learned it the hard way. There is plenty of friends I barely talk to or see anymore. You just never think that person you did everything with, that has been there so long would be one of them. We went through more than most friends ever go through or would go through with them and we never gave up or grew apart. We depended on each other and knew that as long as we had each other is would be ok. You're right, it is very hard to accept. I have my other friend I've been friends with since I was 5 years old and we've always been close, I just thought my other friend would have been the same. I guess I was wrong.

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While I think these are life moments better accepted than analyzed, I'm curious: Has she been there for you, all these years? I'm not talking about as an adventure buddy, but someone who you've felt would be a rock if you needed someone to lean on?

 

Because I'm not getting that impression.

 

You seem to take a lot of pride and have a lot of your identity tied up in the idea that you are there for people: loyal, reliable, handy, sturdy, stable. Great stuff, all that. Truly. But it can get a bit murky and transactional if you seek out connections with people who are inherently less sturdy and less reliable in order to affirm your own sense of self, if that makes sense. It's where selflessness becomes selfish—when we expect some sort of reward (forever loyalty, etc.) for being kind, helpful, whatever.

 

Along with Jib and others, I'd explore how you're thinking about this right now, the feelings swirling. If what you're missing right now isn't just her—the person she is—but the version of yourself that she reflected back at you when you're housing a horse, fixing her car, being a sub-in family when her own family was coming up short. That's the backbone of co-dependence, or one of them: when we "use" connections with people to shore up our own identity and sense of worth.

 

Friendships come and go, fade in and out, circle around, take on new shapes, and so forth. It's kind of what makes them so beautiful, the elasticity. Can be painful too, of course, and sad. This is one of those sad junctures, and I'm sorry you're experiencing it. But as long as you're alive there is room to reconnect, and connect with new people when old connections get frayed or fizzle. Better to see it all that way, I think, than to expect people to behave one way based on what you've offered them.

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DancingFool, I have considered it a lot. I always saw some of those qualities in her and she did lie and use people but I just forgave it and tried to help her be better person. I'm not perfect so I never expected anyone else to be. However the things I witnessed her family do, I always believed she was better than them, I still hope she is. I know it may sound like I'm codependent but I'm really not. I definitely have not given up on my life or bf. Its been a year since I've seen her and its just now starting to hurt because I've been so busy with my own life I haven't noticed it really. Like I said I work 2 jobs (I'm at work right now writing this), going to college, I have a farm with my family that I take care of, and have horses that are one of the centers of my life. I'm a busy person but I still make time for my friends and family. My own family is going through some life threatening health problems has been my main concern. My boyfriend has become my best friend and my rock through all the crap I face in my life. I know the main reason this hurts is because I didn't get closure with her. I don't give up on people and that's why its so hard when I have to face the fact that I probably need to.

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Excellent, yes do not confront her especially at work. She has the right to expand and broaden her life and become busy with other people, places and things...And so do you. Take advantage of your new freedom and make some new friends. If she wants to hang out more at some point, great if not, great. No one owes you friendship.

I'm not some crazy stalker or mental crazy person. But I do have depression so yes it makes it harder to deal with but it has never made me stop my life or do stupid things.
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This is an on-point Celtic saying that tells it all: Your feet will bring you to where your heart is.

 

If someone no longer makes an effort to be in your presence, it's for a reason. A person has a limited amount of leisure time, and sometimes you will fall off of her social calendar. It's upsetting, and happens to most, including me. I've never once asked why or pleaded for answers or tried to convince the person they were making a mistake. Actions speak louder than words in this instance, and what good would come from them telling me why?

 

Just like in a romance, if a partner who cared had an issue with me that needed to be rectified to salvage the relationship, I would also assume if a friend had an issue with me, she would also explain any problems if she cared enough to want to stay in the friendship. If she thought, "That girl's always complaining and too clingy with me and I'm tired of it. Time to do the slow fade." That would mean she doesn't care enough to discuss problems in order to fix things and chooses to bail.

 

If there was no fixing needed and she walks away, I have to assume she doesn't enjoy our friendship like she used to for whatever reason, and that's one of the upsetting things in life I have to accept.

 

Just because you handle friendships one way, doesn't mean all of your friends will hold the same ideas and operate the same way you do. A friend of a decade I had hasn't made any effort with me in 2 years. The space that left in my leisure time has allowed me to develop a stronger relationship with a friend who does make an equal effort, and I've started doing more things with her. Just as another saying goes: When one door closes, another opens. So start looking for a new, exciting door that can be opened where new adventures await.

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DancingFool, I have considered it a lot. I always saw some of those qualities in her and she did lie and use people but I just forgave it and tried to help her be better person. I'm not perfect so I never expected anyone else to be. However the things I witnessed her family do, I always believed she was better than them, I still hope she is. I know it may sound like I'm codependent but I'm really not. I definitely have not given up on my life or bf. Its been a year since I've seen her and its just now starting to hurt because I've been so busy with my own life I haven't noticed it really. Like I said I work 2 jobs (I'm at work right now writing this), going to college, I have a farm with my family that I take care of, and have horses that are one of the centers of my life. I'm a busy person but I still make time for my friends and family. My own family is going through some life threatening health problems has been my main concern. My boyfriend has become my best friend and my rock through all the crap I face in my life. I know the main reason this hurts is because I didn't get closure with her. I don't give up on people and that's why its so hard when I have to face the fact that I probably need to.

 

I don't give up on people, I need closure is all codependent speak. There is no such thing as closure. Closure is your internal emotional acceptance that a particular person decided to walk out of your life for whatever personal reasons. It's recognizing that their actions do not reflect on you or your worth and letting them go without twisting yourself into a pretzel. You don't to control or not give up on people because people will give up on you, opt to walk away for a million and one reasons that have nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do about it but learn how to accept their choices without destroying yourself.

 

Another point to think about is that you spent many years in this friendship seeing her bad behavior with others but telling yourself that you are special, your friendship is special, what you do for her is special and so she'll never treat you that way because...special..... Closure is accepting that you were wrong and learning your lesson from that.

 

There is a fable about a horse and a scorpion. The scorpion begged the horse to take him across the river because the scorpion can't swim. At first the the horse refused because it thought the scorpion would sting him, but the scorpion swore that he wouldn't. Halfway through the river, the scorpion did sting the horse and the horse turned to the scorpion and asked, "Why did you do that? Now we will both drown." The scorpion responded, "Because that's my nature." .......and that, OP, is your lesson as well. This girl is who she is and that's her nature. If you allow people to fool you into believing something else, you'll get hurt every single time.

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This was not a romance at all! She was basically my sister, what more is there to understand. I'm not some crazy stalker or mental crazy person. But I do have depression so yes it makes it harder to deal with but it has never made me stop my life or do stupid things. I have 2 jobs, a bf I've been with for 4 years, in college, and compete in horse events. I'm just a person that lost there best friend that they did everything with.

Cherylyn, thank you I really appreciate. I'm glad to know someone can see it my way. I've always know that growing up can mean growing apart. I've definitely learned it the hard way. There is plenty of friends I barely talk to or see anymore. You just never think that person you did everything with, that has been there so long would be one of them. We went through more than most friends ever go through or would go through with them and we never gave up or grew apart. We depended on each other and knew that as long as we had each other is would be ok. You're right, it is very hard to accept. I have my other friend I've been friends with since I was 5 years old and we've always been close, I just thought my other friend would have been the same. I guess I was wrong.

 

No problem, barrelracer715. I'm sorry for your pain and wounded heart. You are mature when you realized that growing up often does mean growing apart. I agree, it's very hard to accept.

 

Instead of dwelling and ruminating the loss of your ex-friend, I suggest that you concentrate on the friend whom you've known ever since you were 5 years old since you've always been close to her and don't always focus on only one friend. It's healthier to have more than one friend because each person has something different to offer in the friendship. People have different insights, perspectives, enjoyment activities (walks / shopping / meals out / outings / hobbies / intellectual pursuits / interests, etc.). It's better to glean their attributes from each friend as opposed to focusing on just one friend. Rotate your friends and book your social calendar with each one of them. This is what I do. I walk and shop with one best friend while meeting for lunch with another local friend on another day. I walk in the neighborhood with a neighbor who resides several suburban residential streets away. We'll meet on the corner and have a nice conversation for almost an hour.

 

Also, it's good to have acquaintances in your life, too. They're good company without being high maintenance.

 

An idle mind gives you time for depressive, negative thoughts and memories. Get busy living and find joy in your life.

 

Also, learn to enjoy being by yourself and alone is not to be confused with lonely. Get fit, exercise, eat right, feel great, work on hobbies, go to your library, borrow great books, keep busy and have healthy distractions. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

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Just wondering, how old are you guys? You say you are in college so I'm assuming you're in your late teens - early twenties? The thing is that people do change a lot throughout their childhood, teens and 20's. If you'd been friends since you were small children then it is possible that you've just outgrown this friendship?

 

I would also like to point out that sometimes in friendships one person likes the other a lot more. For example, my best friend has this friend, A. A thinks very highly of her and adores her, and contacts her all the time. She does like him but she finds him annoying and only wants to have him in small doses. Whereas he wants to hang out with her all the time. They've been friends for nine years now and she even tried drifting away from him, but then got back in touch because some of her other friends moved away.

 

I'm not sure if it's the same situation here but from what you've described, your friend hasn't always been that invested in you. She's a "come and go" friend. She has kind of ditched you a few times before and real best friend's don't do that. So really you have evidence here that your friendship hasn't actually been consistent. The thing is that if someone really cares about you, they won't just ditch you. Unless someone has good reasons for drifting from you, like sickness, having kids, moving away. Otherwise what is her excuse for doing this to you?

 

I know it hurts but I think if someone is showing they don't care, don't chase them. I think maybe stop contacting her and definitely don't show up at her work! Try to focus on all the good things you have and try to hang out more with other friends.

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