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Thread: My best friend of over 10 yrs has just disappeared out of my life

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    All friends are not devoted and loyal for life. Perhaps they are for the time being depending on what stage in life you're at, where you are located and frequency of seeing one another. As life evolves and changes for many, so do their associations. People move away, change jobs, get married, have families, join new churches and organizations and their phases change. Some friends remain for your entire lifetime whereas many friends are only temporary.

    Friends will waft in and out of your life, come and go. Some friends are conditional and some are are unconditional.

    I've seen these friendship changes in my parents generation and in my life. It's universal.

    I've noticed life long friends tend to see each other often within their locale for decades especially if no one moves away. I know there are stories of friendships where each friend resides thousands of miles apart but those friendships are not as easy to maintain because too much absence doesn't make the heart grow fond anymore.

    My long time friends whom I see frequently reside within 30 minutes from my house so naturally it's easier to maintain these types of friendships. I've met close friends at church which is nearby and they live nearby, too.

    Know that some friends are keepers for life and some friends will be with you for a certain time and move on. Try not to feel sad. Accept that you are not alone and millions of people feel the same as you do.

    I know it's hard to start new friendships all over again but that's how it is. You start over and if you're lucky, certain friends will remain with you for life. Don't give up. Another friend will come along in your life and you will be fine. Just be prepared that not everyone will stick around for the long term. Some friends are short term and you'll be surprised that some friends are here to stay for you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Was this a romance? How happy are you with your life? Do you have a job? Are you experiencing any sort of breakup or other problems? It seems you simply grew apart so do not stalk or confront her. Try to make other friends. Make an appointment with a doctor for a complete evaluation. You realize this is not about her.
    Originally Posted by barrelracer715
    I've considered going to her work at a restaurant and trying to talk to her but I don't believe that would be the right way to go about this. we even have a matching tattoo

  3. #13
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    No. I barely even go on social media at all. I'm not that kind of person. Regardless of if she does or not, it doesn't matter. You don't ignore people or push them out of your life just because you're in a relationship. The past few bfs I've had, I always included her and wanted her opinions because friends sometimes see the unhealthy things better than you can. But... She always wanted me to drop doing stuff with them to be with her and I did a lot. So there would be no right for her to think she couldn't give up a little time with them.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Has it ever occurred to you that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and that she is just as narcissistic as the rest of her family? Very typical of narcissists to find and latch on to people like you - highly giving, loyal, empathetic and basically use you and feed off you, but also very typical for these types to drop people/relationships/friendships cold and come back on and off as they feel the need to use you again as their other sources of attention/usefulness might be running low.

    Whoever said you sound highly codependent .... you really should give that some thought. Yes, you have good qualities, but also sounds like you lack some healthy boundaries and that will get you into a heap of trouble throughout life unless you take stock and figure it out. Being a good and loyal friend is one thing, but giving up on your own life or bf just because your friend demanded it from you is not normal or healthy on your end.

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  6. #15
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    This was not a romance at all! She was basically my sister, what more is there to understand. I'm not some crazy stalker or mental crazy person. But I do have depression so yes it makes it harder to deal with but it has never made me stop my life or do stupid things. I have 2 jobs, a bf I've been with for 4 years, in college, and compete in horse events. I'm just a person that lost there best friend that they did everything with.
    Cherylyn, thank you I really appreciate. I'm glad to know someone can see it my way. I've always know that growing up can mean growing apart. I've definitely learned it the hard way. There is plenty of friends I barely talk to or see anymore. You just never think that person you did everything with, that has been there so long would be one of them. We went through more than most friends ever go through or would go through with them and we never gave up or grew apart. We depended on each other and knew that as long as we had each other is would be ok. You're right, it is very hard to accept. I have my other friend I've been friends with since I was 5 years old and we've always been close, I just thought my other friend would have been the same. I guess I was wrong.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    While I think these are life moments better accepted than analyzed, I'm curious: Has she been there for you, all these years? I'm not talking about as an adventure buddy, but someone who you've felt would be a rock if you needed someone to lean on?

    Because I'm not getting that impression.

    You seem to take a lot of pride and have a lot of your identity tied up in the idea that you are there for people: loyal, reliable, handy, sturdy, stable. Great stuff, all that. Truly. But it can get a bit murky and transactional if you seek out connections with people who are inherently less sturdy and less reliable in order to affirm your own sense of self, if that makes sense. It's where selflessness becomes selfish—when we expect some sort of reward (forever loyalty, etc.) for being kind, helpful, whatever.

    Along with Jib and others, I'd explore how you're thinking about this right now, the feelings swirling. If what you're missing right now isn't just her—the person she is—but the version of yourself that she reflected back at you when you're housing a horse, fixing her car, being a sub-in family when her own family was coming up short. That's the backbone of co-dependence, or one of them: when we "use" connections with people to shore up our own identity and sense of worth.

    Friendships come and go, fade in and out, circle around, take on new shapes, and so forth. It's kind of what makes them so beautiful, the elasticity. Can be painful too, of course, and sad. This is one of those sad junctures, and I'm sorry you're experiencing it. But as long as you're alive there is room to reconnect, and connect with new people when old connections get frayed or fizzle. Better to see it all that way, I think, than to expect people to behave one way based on what you've offered them.

  8. #17
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    DancingFool, I have considered it a lot. I always saw some of those qualities in her and she did lie and use people but I just forgave it and tried to help her be better person. I'm not perfect so I never expected anyone else to be. However the things I witnessed her family do, I always believed she was better than them, I still hope she is. I know it may sound like I'm codependent but I'm really not. I definitely have not given up on my life or bf. Its been a year since I've seen her and its just now starting to hurt because I've been so busy with my own life I haven't noticed it really. Like I said I work 2 jobs (I'm at work right now writing this), going to college, I have a farm with my family that I take care of, and have horses that are one of the centers of my life. I'm a busy person but I still make time for my friends and family. My own family is going through some life threatening health problems has been my main concern. My boyfriend has become my best friend and my rock through all the crap I face in my life. I know the main reason this hurts is because I didn't get closure with her. I don't give up on people and that's why its so hard when I have to face the fact that I probably need to.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent, yes do not confront her especially at work. She has the right to expand and broaden her life and become busy with other people, places and things...And so do you. Take advantage of your new freedom and make some new friends. If she wants to hang out more at some point, great if not, great. No one owes you friendship.
    Originally Posted by barrelracer715
    I'm not some crazy stalker or mental crazy person. But I do have depression so yes it makes it harder to deal with but it has never made me stop my life or do stupid things.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    This is an on-point Celtic saying that tells it all: Your feet will bring you to where your heart is.

    If someone no longer makes an effort to be in your presence, it's for a reason. A person has a limited amount of leisure time, and sometimes you will fall off of her social calendar. It's upsetting, and happens to most, including me. I've never once asked why or pleaded for answers or tried to convince the person they were making a mistake. Actions speak louder than words in this instance, and what good would come from them telling me why?

    Just like in a romance, if a partner who cared had an issue with me that needed to be rectified to salvage the relationship, I would also assume if a friend had an issue with me, she would also explain any problems if she cared enough to want to stay in the friendship. If she thought, "That girl's always complaining and too clingy with me and I'm tired of it. Time to do the slow fade." That would mean she doesn't care enough to discuss problems in order to fix things and chooses to bail.

    If there was no fixing needed and she walks away, I have to assume she doesn't enjoy our friendship like she used to for whatever reason, and that's one of the upsetting things in life I have to accept.

    Just because you handle friendships one way, doesn't mean all of your friends will hold the same ideas and operate the same way you do. A friend of a decade I had hasn't made any effort with me in 2 years. The space that left in my leisure time has allowed me to develop a stronger relationship with a friend who does make an equal effort, and I've started doing more things with her. Just as another saying goes: When one door closes, another opens. So start looking for a new, exciting door that can be opened where new adventures await.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by barrelracer715
    DancingFool, I have considered it a lot. I always saw some of those qualities in her and she did lie and use people but I just forgave it and tried to help her be better person. I'm not perfect so I never expected anyone else to be. However the things I witnessed her family do, I always believed she was better than them, I still hope she is. I know it may sound like I'm codependent but I'm really not. I definitely have not given up on my life or bf. Its been a year since I've seen her and its just now starting to hurt because I've been so busy with my own life I haven't noticed it really. Like I said I work 2 jobs (I'm at work right now writing this), going to college, I have a farm with my family that I take care of, and have horses that are one of the centers of my life. I'm a busy person but I still make time for my friends and family. My own family is going through some life threatening health problems has been my main concern. My boyfriend has become my best friend and my rock through all the crap I face in my life. I know the main reason this hurts is because I didn't get closure with her. I don't give up on people and that's why its so hard when I have to face the fact that I probably need to.
    I don't give up on people, I need closure is all codependent speak. There is no such thing as closure. Closure is your internal emotional acceptance that a particular person decided to walk out of your life for whatever personal reasons. It's recognizing that their actions do not reflect on you or your worth and letting them go without twisting yourself into a pretzel. You don't to control or not give up on people because people will give up on you, opt to walk away for a million and one reasons that have nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do about it but learn how to accept their choices without destroying yourself.

    Another point to think about is that you spent many years in this friendship seeing her bad behavior with others but telling yourself that you are special, your friendship is special, what you do for her is special and so she'll never treat you that way because...special..... Closure is accepting that you were wrong and learning your lesson from that.

    There is a fable about a horse and a scorpion. The scorpion begged the horse to take him across the river because the scorpion can't swim. At first the the horse refused because it thought the scorpion would sting him, but the scorpion swore that he wouldn't. Halfway through the river, the scorpion did sting the horse and the horse turned to the scorpion and asked, "Why did you do that? Now we will both drown." The scorpion responded, "Because that's my nature." .......and that, OP, is your lesson as well. This girl is who she is and that's her nature. If you allow people to fool you into believing something else, you'll get hurt every single time.

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