Jump to content

My ex coming back just hurt me more, I don’t know what to do


Recommended Posts

Hello everyone, I hope you’re all doing good, I just wanted to make this post so I could vent and figure myself out, And also if you have any advice it would be very very helpful.

 

Its hard for me to summarize what happened since it was so much, it is written on my past posts, but I will try my best to sum it all up.

 

When I was 16 I went abroad to Canada and met this amazing guy, we were both very young and it was a very intense relationship where promises regarding the future were made, our parents and families where involved and it all seemed great, he was my first everything and the plan was for me to go back in a year and stay to live with him and his family. I really thought he was the love of my life.

When I went back to my country, we were both very sad but we were sure about out future together. It was all great for two months long distance, He even came and visit me but it was a horrible trip because I knew and could feel we would end soon, he also met this girl he said he was Friends with but i always knew there was something going on, after weeks of fighting and him defending her I guess he chose her over me. He still denied it but I think that’s what happened. I decided to break up because It hurt too much, but regretted it a week later because I thought he’d fight for me but he easily said goodbye.

 

He took a week to say he couldn’t be with me but he still loved me and maybe in the future we could be together. I was devastated, depressed for months, couldn’t eat, sleep, got anxiety attacks, I-was just a mess, I felt out of myself and lost, eventually I started to feel better but never really got my peace back for years. I blocked him and his family on Facebook i just couldn’t bare to even see his picture or hear his name.

 

I ended up moving to a big city for University, and instead of forgetting about it, I was pretty lonely and I became obsessed with the pain he caused, I was hurt and felt hopeless for too long. I started to go to therapy and work on it, I’ve been going for almost four years but at the time I didn’t feel completely healed, tbh I still don’t.. It’s almost like I fell deeper into the hole .. It was after a year that I dared to look at his fb but he was with someone new, and once again I felt devastated, EVEN AFTER A YEAR.

 

Soon after that I became obsessed with finding guys who resembled him, but never really worked because nobody was willing to compromise online, and honestly I wasn’t ready.

 

It’s been five years now...

 

Two years ago I decided to change my life around and start moving towards my goals and remove myself from toxic people, I applied for a scholarship to go back to Canada and I got it, casually it was his hometown but he didn’t live there, I do remember him saying he wanted to go back. I unblocked him from fb in hope that he’d see I was there, I even thought about contacting him but couldn’t being myself to it.

 

I had the most amazing time again, made so many special friends, went on many many dates and just changed my perspective about everything, I was a grown up now and felt like a brand new person, got excellent grades and felt like finally all of those years of therapy where showing off. I was being mindful of my actions, and I became the person that I wanted to be for so long. I am a women of quality, I pursue my dreams and fight for them, I don’t settle and I want to keep improving. I also met my boyfriend in March 2019 and he’s so great to me, loves me very much, and supports me in every way, we have a very healthy, stable relationship. I got my major in psychology and I’m applying for grad school in Canada again.

 

But one night, going through Facebook I saw he sent me a friend request, it was a surprise and couldn’t believe it, it took me a month to accept, thinking I’ve finally get closure by talking to him and seeing a different perspective.

 

He immediately sent me a “hey, how have you been” and said pretty much everything that I had been wanting to hear for many many years, he started saying how his parents always thought we would end up getting back together. And was very interested that I was living in Canada, specially where he has dreamed of coming back to. He said that he was sorry for how things ended and mentioned several times in different ways that that out of all the relationships he’s had I was the only meaningful one, and that he thought I hated him all these time, he asked me if I was living back in canada and i said yes (I am not) , he basically told me I was the only one he loved and that he clearly made the wrong decision back then.

 

But at one point it all just felt off, like he was just trying to win me over saying that he would give anything to hold me one last time and that he wasn’t happy because all of these girls he dated weren’t me.

 

He mentioned his life went pretty bad after we broke up, and that the only thing he had achieved in these five years or so was getting a car also that everyone besides me and his recent ex had cheated on him. He didn’t go to school because he got a job but now the place is shut down, he says he lives with his ex too, which I thought was weird.

 

He asked if there was a special someone and I said yes and he kept saying he had a secret but wasn’t appropriate because I was already in a relationship and what he wanted couldn’t come true, I’m guessing he was implying he wanted another chance, either way I thought that was my chance to get closure and I should have said how I felt and end it there but I didn’t and waited to respond until the next day, we both sent pictures of us and how we look now, he even went and took a shower and got dressed for the picture, and he kept saying how good I look and that my bf won the lottery and stuff like that. He said he is not the skinny guy I met and that he found out he as diabetic his whole life, also he said he still has low self-esteem.

 

I was having a hard time messaging back because I was just so confused and nervous and couldn’t believe what he was saying, it almost seemed fake to me, when i messaged him he would immediately see it and answer, he said he was trying so hard to be courteous and trying to express himself more, he also said that his worst fear right now was to say something wrong and to push me away again. According to him he tried to reach out a couple times but he was blocked. He said when he goes back to where he thinks I live we should meet up.

 

We kept talking and he kept asking if I needed help with anything to tell him. I asked what do you want from talking to me and he said a friendship presently, I said me too and that I wanted to end on good terms and he said he wanted to remain on good terms. After that he asked me a few things about m life and I didn’t reply, I was just so anxious and to be honest didn’t want to say goodbye so I could talk to him again, I was hopeful he would make an effort. Next day he sends me a picture of his cat and asks if I remember her, I said yes of course and he left me on seen.

 

Which has been horrible I can’t stop thinking about him and the past and I feel like I’m grieving all over again, my intention was to face it and desensitize myself to him but instead I just feel too vulnerable and that he has some power over me.

 

I can’t keep talking to him if I don’t see him being true to his words, it but I don’t want to lose him again, I feel like he is playing mind games but I’m not sure, I just wanted a mature closure, say goodbye and keep going with our lives but I think I got myself into this mess. I believed him but maybe he just wants to manipulate me and once he has do the same thing and leave. He’s clearly not emotionally stable but I just feel like he’s my weakness. I don’t know.

I feel like the same is happening he is just filling my head with false hope and giving mixed signals. I want to cut it off but it hurts, it hurts that he might not care again and it hurts to block him again, after all this time that I waited for him to talk to me. I feel so bad and also feel it’s disrespectful not only towards my current boyfriend but to myself. I feel confused and hurt because after all I feel I wanted to re live the past and have idealized him so much.

 

I still have hope but I know it’s a waist of time, if he wanted to be in my life he would try harder and also, I know that if I wanted someone back for good, I would at least wait to win them over for a while before saying all of those things about me being the one that got away or something, it hurts specially because that’s exactly how I’ve felt all this time.

 

It hurts to even go on my phone, I wish it didn’t but it does and I’m just trying to find a way to finally move on.. Im so disappointed but also hopeful if that makes sense.

I’m sorry this was so long, And I hope you can read into my bad English lol I just needed to vent. I’m feeling awful. My mind is going crazy, all the anxiety is coming back and I need to stop it before it gets worst. I feel the story is repeating it self and I swore I would never let anyone make me feel like this again, so I feel defeated.

 

Also its only been two days and I’m already a mess, I just find myself dependent on what he does, thinks and says to me but I can’t keep doing this. It hurts. I am just waiting for his response and it’s been too long, I don’t want to be this obsessive, I have someone who cares about me, but he just triggers so much.

It also makes me so mad this one person makes me feel this way and has so much power over me, but I know it’s all on me.

 

I wish I could keep him in my life, but I can’t, now I’m not sure what to do or how to leave, if I should say something or just walk away.

Link to comment

You were young and in love at the time this guy left. It's not really him that you lost, it was yourself.

 

You accounted in detail of the feelings of loss and years of therapy to get your balance back. Now that you've found yourself, he invite him back in and it reminds you of the trauma that you went through. The intense feelings you are experiencing isn't a measure of your feelings for him. It's a measure of how difficult a time it was for you. There is a difference. Try to separate the two.

 

When something like this happens and someone abandons us, the cut runs very deep. Had you not been so selfless at the time, you would have bounced back easier. But with the loss of self you experienced you had to start all over to get that back.

 

Sometimes we erroneously think that if the person that abandoned us wanted us back it would heal everything. It's as if now that he's interested you are finally good enough? But you see, he doesn't measure your worth.

 

Especially in light of the way you describe him, unhealthy mentally and physically. You suspect he's just being manipulative and it appears you are correct. After all he lives with his ex?

 

Winning him back doesn't make you whole again. Being his friend doesn't give you closure either. It just makes things very messy.

 

Take some time to think how far you've come on your own. You yourself said you are a woman of quality. Why would you allow someone like him to make you now question your worth?

 

You title is very telling `that your ex is coming back to hurt you' But he can't hurt you if you let him and you aren't innocent here. You hoped he'd contact you, you set the scene and then acted shocked that he did. Own that first and then take responsibility for making a mess and then correct that mess by blocking someone who doesn't have your good intentions at heart.

 

Be the woman of quality and strength you just described to us and set forth actions that are in line with that.

Link to comment

I didn't read everything very carefully, I read it fast since I'm at work but I've been in the exact same position as you. I'm going to share my story with you and hopefully it can help you. My first love lived states away and we only saw each once every few months. That boy was the love of my life and as far as he said, I was his too. I literally thought I was going to marry him and planned even moving down south with him after we graduated to live on base with him. Looking back now, I'm glad I didn't. He was far from perfect, I found out he was constant liar, mainly trying to make himself better to impress me. But he was loyal. In the end his parents basically made him break up with me. I still don't agree with the fact he listened to them but it is what it is. We have remained friends since after the day we broke up but I had to go 6 months without talking to him. I got rid of everything but his number or at least made it so I wouldn't see things of his. Then came the day he got engaged. I cried in my car on the phone with my friend for hours. Every guy I dated after him, I compared them to him. I was trying everything I could to find those feelings I had with him in someone else. But the fact of it is, you never will. Those special feelings, those butterflies, and being head over heels in love, it only happens with special people, or only one person. No one after him has been just like him, no one was as sweet and said all the right things. After we broke up, I gave up for a long time. I talked to countless guys, ended up being fwb with quite a few, to this day I only talk to two of them because they are great friends. But no matter who it was, nothing could compare to him. He was on my mind everyday, still is. Every little thing reminded me of him and again still does, just not as much. Today we still talk and he is deployed to another country on a 4 year term. It takes time before those feelings start to lessen. I'm going to tell you one VERY important thing, you can forget the rest I said if you want but remember this, IF A MAN WANTED TO BE WITH YOU, HE WOULD! I was willing to move half way across the country to be with him and he couldn't even stand up for our relationship. There is absolutely no excuse for someone to say they can't be with you because there is always a way. But... I will say this too, in my case another reason why my ex broke it off was because he knew I was hurting because he wasn't here and we were just in high school it wasn't easy to see each other. It was so much better for me to have a man that was here because I never had that before. You need to set boundaries with that guy. You have to make him realize that you don't need him and if he screws up or isn't the kind of guy you want in your life, you will kick him out again. You can't trust him fully, you just can't, it'll screw you over in the end if you do trust him right away. If you don't want him in your life and it's too painful to talk then you need to tell him. If he truly cares he will understand or fight to have you back. It's very rare to stay friends after a break up, me and my ex just got lucky and made our feelings clear. We just had different paths we were taking and we knew that if in the end we were meant to be together, it would happen. Now if he moved here and things worked that we could be together, part of me would love a second chance just so I don't have to live with the what ifs. Another reason I'm still friends with him is because I got into some bad relationships after him. I can't even count how many times I called him crying because of some guy and he answered and helped me every time because he cares. I don't know what I would have done without him. He got me through so much and stayed by my side even when we both had someone else. Today I have a wonderful man that I've been with for 4 years. Is he like my ex? Not that much. Have I had those same feelings with him as I did my ex? No, but I love him. Now he can be a pain in the ass, so can I, and we fight and argue a lot but we get through it. We always know we still love each other after. Love is not like you see in the movies, it's not supposed to be a fairy tale. If everything is perfect in your relationship all the time, you two probably aren't meant to be. Love is being able to scream, yell, cry, and argue but working through it and making it better. Now I'm not saying this should happen everyday, it shouldn't but the fact of the matter is, life is hard. It will knock you down time after time and it will effect your relationship. If I was my boyfriend, I honestly don't know if I could've stayed with me through everything cause my life has been a very rocky road. Now my boyfriend knows I talk to my ex, every guy I've been with has known it. I've also made one thing clear to all of them, I will ALWAYS love my ex but there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. To this day I still wonder what would happen if we got back together but I have learned that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I don't know if you're a religious person but life has a plan for us and even when it seems bad or wrong, it's happening for a reason. You will go through a lot of crap before you get to the good stuff. For now I know that I love my boyfriend and I plan on being with him for the rest of my life but things could change. We don't know what will happen, you just have to go day by day. The pain isn't permanent, it will fade. I thought it never would but it did. Do what you feel is right but never settle for less than what you deserve. I thought if I didn't settle for a guy I'd never find someone better but then out of the blue, someone better came into my life. If he's not good, then don't go back. But if he cares and will try his hardest for you, give it a chance but never let your guard down fully. I know this was long and I rambled and maybe didn't get all your questions or got them right but I hope something in this helped! Good luck and stay strong!

Link to comment

Remember.. who are you are Now!

 

I think you've come to realize, he IS a different man now/ Not the one you knew back then.. no good.

Try not to lose yourself in this.. remember how you've come along.. took some work.

 

Be strong - as you are.. and keep with the one you're with.

Respectful boundaries are needed.. Back off with so much connumication from both ends now.

 

No expectations.

 

"I can’t keep talking to him if I don’t see him being true to his words, it but I don’t want to lose him again, I feel like he is playing mind games but I’m not sure, I just wanted a mature closure, say goodbye and keep going with our lives but I think I got myself into this mess. I believed him but maybe he just wants to manipulate me and once he has do the same thing and leave. He’s clearly not emotionally stable but I just feel like he’s my weakness. I don’t know.

I feel like the same is happening he is just filling my head with false hope and giving mixed signals. I want to cut it off but it hurts, it hurts that he might not care again and it hurts to block him again, after all this time that I waited for him to talk to me. I feel so bad and also feel it’s disrespectful not only towards my current boyfriend but to myself."

- I think you've got this.

Is your life now.. YOu've taken it back! Keep going.

Link to comment
I also met my boyfriend in March 2019 and he’s so great to me, loves me very much, and supports me in every way, we have a very healthy, stable relationship. I got my major in psychology and I’m applying for grad school in Canada again.

 

But one night, going through Facebook I saw [Ex] sent me a friend request...

 

... he says he lives with his ex too, which I thought was weird.

.

 

She may not quite be his ex yet. He may be just seeing if he can line you up first.

 

You should tell him you are with someone, and you don't wish to be in contact with him now. If you ever become single, and feel any interest in contacting him at that time, you will shoot him a message then.

 

Then unfriend him on FB.

 

PS - the cat photo sounds like something in the Brad Browning play book.

Link to comment

Just walk away. Be very glad you are not with him. This hopefully gave you the closure you needed to realize he is a mess.

 

Of course this is not about him really, is it? How happy and full is your life at the moment? This nostalgia will pass and with a good evaluation from a doctor and some therapy to sort out whatever is going on, you'll be fine.

He mentioned his life went pretty bad after we broke up. he says he lives with his ex or just walk away.

Link to comment

I was very young and not experienced at all, he was my first kiss, date, everything., what hurts is that I knew it was real, and everything he described as to not finding someone like me is exactly what I have been feeling all these years but it seems like he is just looking for some kind of reward for himself.

 

And yes I completely felt like I lost myself and my identity, but I have always blamed it on him.

My biggest challenge is to accept that I can not control his actions or the way he feels or acts.

 

I am just mad at myself for letting someone control my emotional state this way even if he’s literally doing nothing!!

 

He didn’t reply to my text and I have been reliving past memories and having obsessive thoughts, as it everything happened yesterday

 

I wish I wasn’t so naive at the time, I was sure that him wanting me back would make me feel empowered but I’ve realized that the closure I need has to come from within.

 

I know my worth and that he does not deserve me, but still deep down I want to be with him, i know that will remain in my imagination.

 

I know how much it has cost me to make an effort and put my life back together. I would not want to be with a person like him.

Link to comment

Your update reminded me of what I referred to as ghosts. Unrequited loves or those that got away that you end up pining over.

 

And then you have that opportunity. You can't help be feel preoccupied by it. But given the chance, they never live up to the fantasy you've created. Especially in light of this being a 6 month romance with a somewhat more mature man. Add in it was over 5 years ago. That's a lot of life you have breathed into this that can no where match what the reality really will be.

 

And just like that, poof, the ghost disappears and what you have instead is a slightly older broken lost man, fishing for a life line.

 

`Be careful what you wish for

 

Seeing you've been to therapy, I can't help but wonder what your relationship with your father was like.

Link to comment

I see two stories, a fork in the road, a massive amount of guilt and questions, confusion and I see someone that has been lying to herself for years. You ran, denied, tried to sweep it under the carpet, but you never got over your X and now you are massively struggling.

So I have to ask, what is it you want? You have such a huge struggle and the logical part of you is saying don't talk to him, your life will be just fine without him and the other part is saying but you need him because while you were with him the highs you felt were never higher with anyone else and you want to feel that feeling again.

Here is the thing. You can not have him in your life and be free. You can lie and wave the flag of "friends' but you know very well that you can not be friends with him. Look at you.. its been two days and you admitted that you are a mess and you have a BF. If your X is in your life, you will be emotionally tied to him.

If you want to be free from his grip, then you must be strong enough to cut him off and wish him a good life. Don't leave the door open for any chance in the future, don't say maybe another time or anything like that. You cut him off and you never talk to him again. Doing this will allow you to be free. Will it hurt? Yes. Will you get all of your answers? Probably not. But just know that you will be just fine without him. The sun will still rise and set and life will still move on.

People here can post and give you the best advice in the world but none of it matters until you decide what you want. If you want to continue to feel the way you are feeling now, then you keep your X in your life. If you do that, your BF will eventually figure it out and break up with you and you will be available. If you don't want that, then you cut your X off now and work on what you currently have.

Choice is yours.

Link to comment

Please see a doctor for a complete evaluation and a therapist for ongoing support. At 23 this type of ruminating, obsessing, etc could indicate the onset of or untreated symptoms of serious problems. No one is "controlling your thoughts". This has nothing to do with some far away first love. Keep in mind some thought and mood disorders are not evident until young adulthood. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor.

I was very young.

 

someone control my emotional state this way even if he’s literally doing nothing!!

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...