Is it Reasonable?

Hi All,

Just after some views/opinions on this one. I am in a new relationship, which is mostly great for me - I'm happy in most ways but maybe the odd annoying behaviour is to be expected

One 'habit' the boyfriend has is commenting on other women, the attractiveness mostly but other things like 'she is so clever she is an Oxbridge graduate'. Now I like to think that I'm fairly secure in my own looks and intelligence so mostly it doesn't bother me and I haven't said anything the times this has happened over the 6 months of dating.

Another thing he does, along similar lines is talk about his ex relationships, which I don't mind in fact I welcome because he has displayed a really deep sense of understanding what went wrong and why which I think shows his maturity.

Although I don't mind knowing about the past relationships etc. I don't really want to put names to faces and he showed me a picture of one of his exes and wanted to show me a picture of another. I think this is a bit odd and don't understand why.

Another 'habit' (not all the time by any means) he does is click on people's profiles online on group pages. He uses 'Meet Up' and looks at who is going to the event, reads their profiles etc. (male and female). I get this, who doesn't look up people online! however one time he mentioned a woman who had an unusual interest on the page and that I should click on her page (it was a joke). However, I ended up clicking on her face and looking at her profile while he said 'she is pretty' and again I wondered why I was asked to do this.

It niggles me, is this reasonable?

He's just sharing things with you but does not have sense enough to keep quiet about things that might make you jelous, and does not have sense enough to throw away those old pics. Many people do this. Let's just say that he's not the most sophisticated man out there, when it comes to relationships.

I suppose if it bugs you that much - which is understandable - do it to him so he sees how it feels. It's better if it's his own idea to change. Arguing about it can make you look like the bad guy.

If it helps any, he's with you and loves you. The one he loves now is all that counts.

Thanks Gary, I know this type of behaviour is common. I niggles me, not seriously but it does and I felt it best I said how I feel so I raised it calmly.

I don't' think I would to get on the 'Would you like it if I did it' bangwagon as he may well say 'I wouldn't mind' as we are all different.

I feel I've said my piece and it is up to him if he wants to adapt (or at least be aware of) behaviour that upsets me. I suppose if he thinks of me enough he just might.

Personal mileage is that no, it's not that common or normal to be so fixated on other women and constantly making those comments to you. It also runs a bit deeper than just lacking basic sense. To put it simply, his mouth is telling you where his mind is at - on other women and judging their value. I wouldn't call it a bad habit but rather a bad character trait. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior and would be long gone because lack of character. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt, lack of basic civil common sense is not desirable in a bf.

Ok dating is the time to get to know someone and around 6 mos you begin to notice what they are all about because the novelty starts to wear off. It's s good time to ask yourself if this is someone you can see yourself with or whether to cut your losses.

Talking about exes is anything but mature. How old is he? It is disrespectful at best and pulls the focus away from you and sidesteps building anything with you.. This allows him to sort of relish over his collection, of which you are just another one of. He sounds quite immature and someone you should start to be a bit more skeptical about. As far as looking at pictures, try not to focus on that.

6 months of dating.

 

Another thing he does, along similar lines is talk about his ex relationships, which I don't mind in fact I welcome because he has displayed a really deep sense of understanding what went wrong and why which I think shows his maturity.

How did he respond when you raised it? Did you feel listened to or dismissed?

All in all this is one of those things that will bother some people more than others. Sounds like pretty base-level male insecurity to me—along with some immaturity, which makes me wonder how old you both are. Sometimes it's the kind of thing that burns off in time, sometimes (more likely?) it's the kind of thing that time reveals to be a fundamental character trait of someone. We do, after all, validate someone for who they are by being with them, not who they may evolve into.

I'd probably be bothered in your shoes, particularly by the quips about other women. That's just one of those things that is pretty revealing: one thing to think it, as we're all human, another to vocalize it, which shows either a lack of tact or a clear window into a mind that is still roving around.

As for the ex stuff? I guess everyone is different. At six months I probably had some cursory knowledge of my girlfriend's prior relationships, and vise versa, but it wasn't stuff that came up much or was talked about at length: maybe ten minutes—and, honestly, I liked that quite a bit. The past felt pretty "processed" on her end, and I appreciated that our romance wasn't being used as a stage on which to actively process past romances. Some people, of course, would probably want to know more about a partner's past than I do a year into this, so it's an individual thing.

Ultimately, it just comes down to whether you can find yourself feeling the sense of security you need inside a relationship, and whether you find that sense of security increasing or decreasing at this stage. I think the first year with someone is kind of about gauging that, in ways, with each month ideally a period in which you're becoming more secure alongside someone, not less.

You've voiced your feelings calmly—excellent approach—and now you can observe if he metabolizes that, or not. If he does, it's a great sign that he hears you, sees you; if not, it might be a sign that this relationship can only go so far, assuming you don't want to be teaching someone manners or competing with others. Your inner radar, far more than him, is going to be the thing that tells you which direction to move in.

Comments like that are what someone might say to a friend, not to the woman they're dating. It's very disrespectful to voice things that he should keep to himself. If you ask him not to do it and he disregards your feelings then he's not worth staying with.

If it was only one thing, the talk of exes, that could be fixed with a "It was important for us to know a little about each other's past relationship histories, but I know enough. They are in the past and I no longer want to hear stories of them or see their photos. I'd rather concentrate on our present and future."

The other two ways he's acting would be dealbreakers for me. With having you click on the female? I see is as hiding in plain sight. He's trying to get you involved so he doesn't have to hide his obsessions about women, and I think he clicks on men to put a red herring in there.

His comments about female strangers or acquaintances also show an obsession. On average, a normal person's head is turned, while in a crowd, when a phenomenal looking person walks by. There is a difference in what I see as a person obsessed. It's like they are always on the lookout, scanning a crowd.

It makes my stomach turn just reading about a person like this. I don't know how you even stand to be in his presence. Obviously, my advice is to move on from someone whose main interest is people he doesn't know, and exes. How boring and creepy.

Thanks for the comments. I'm not that involved. I have my own place he has his own place. I visit once a week and I'm not planning on moving in anytime soon, until I've made a full judgement of him.

He is older - late 50's and I'm younger than him by ten years or so. You think he would know better but age doesn't relate to relationship skills.

He accepted it was 'unflattering' and said sorry but he also got defensive about it and had to justifity all the valid reasons for looking/mentioning other women as well of accusing me of being 'jealous' and him having to 'worry about his behaviour with me and being unable to relax'. I never mention anything about other women and haven't for 6 months. I didn't want to get into it so I left because I felt I had communicated my 'issue' and am now working away for a week which is welcome time and space.

Does he have health or ED issues? He seems quite insecure about his prowess and it seems needs to reminisce out loud. Enjoy the dating but think long and hard if this is someone worth it.

He is older - late 50's and I'm younger than him by ten years or so.

Thanks for the comments. I'm not that involved. I have my own place he has his own place. I visit once a week and I'm not planning on moving in anytime soon, until I've made a full judgement of him.

 

He is older - late 50's and I'm younger than him by ten years or so. You think he would know better but age doesn't relate to relationship skills.

 

He accepted it was 'unflattering' and said sorry but he also got defensive about it and had to justifity all the valid reasons for looking/mentioning other women as well of accusing me of being 'jealous' and him having to 'worry about his behaviour with me and being unable to relax'. I never mention anything about other women and haven't for 6 months. I didn't want to get into it so I left because I felt I had communicated my 'issue' and am now working away for a week which is welcome time and space.

Wow! Are you serious? Late 50's and he is acting like that?! Run, just run. When I was posting I thought you guys were in your early 20's and the dude still has some maturing and growing up to do and even so, his behavior is not acceptable.....but late 50's and he is acting out like that....you are dealing with a pig. Sorry, but don't put up or bother talking to him about it. He is way too old not to know better, he simply doesn't care. This is who he is and that shouldn't be acceptable to you or something you should strive to work with or put up with. Unbelievable.....this man doesn't have any character to speak of and you are literally looking at the tip of the iceberg here.

Older people are actually worse - they tend to lose/forget the good intuition they learned (or should have learned) as youngsters.

Generous as I am by nature, I can't say this gives me a great vibe. If you told me he was 26—what I expected—I'd see it potentially as some boyish exhaust fumes still burning off. But at 50-plus? That's just "old-school" in an unfortunate way—a guy who has grown fully into a shape that men are supposed to grow out of.

Of course, you know him—and yourself—better than we do. But all in all I think what we get in the first 6 months is the very best of someone, since they're still wooing and courting, best they know how, which would tell me that this isn't going to be something that improves much. Probably the opposite: the more comfortable he gets, the more comfortable he'll be behaving like this.

Also, the "jealous" hiccup is about as lame as it gets.

Yes he has ED issues Wiseman.

I agree Gary, age does mean they can be more set in ways and less flexible.

Thanks for the comments. I'm not that involved. I have my own place he has his own place. I visit once a week and I'm not planning on moving in anytime soon, until I've made a full judgement of him.

 

He is older - late 50's and I'm younger than him by ten years or so. You think he would know better but age doesn't relate to relationship skills.

 

He accepted it was 'unflattering' and said sorry but he also got defensive about it and had to justifity all the valid reasons for looking/mentioning other women as well of accusing me of being 'jealous' and him having to 'worry about his behaviour with me and being unable to relax'. I never mention anything about other women and haven't for 6 months. I didn't want to get into it so I left because I felt I had communicated my 'issue' and am now working away for a week which is welcome time and space.

I thought he was in his early 20's. Something is off. Dump him.

As the saying goes, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." With that said, I'd look at it as what you see is what you get, along with you can't compete with someone who is stuck in a state of middle school mentality, so to speak.

Also, when it comes to a point of calling him out on his juvenile behaviour, it's already traveled too far south. JMO...

It's not normal or typical. It's rude, annoying, childish. I'm 53, so is my husband -we've each learned new way of communicating, changed our habits, think outside the box -no excuses for "set in his ways". He also sounds boring if his focus is gossiping and talking about strangers.

Ok. This and his bragging and posturing and reminiscing would all be red flags and may be interrelated. Keep in mind, dating should not feel like therapy and you shouldn't have to hear all about his exes or put up with endless bad manners. Where did you meet?

Yes he has ED issues .

Ok. This and his bragging and posturing and reminiscing would all be red flags and may be interrelated. Keep in mind, dating should not feel like therapy and you shouldn't have to hear all about his exes or put up with endless bad manners.

Great point Wise.

As you were talking about this guy OP it made me wonder if he was over-compensating for something.

Yes of course comments like that would be off putting. You did the right thing by walking away from the situation when he didn't pick up what you were putting down. The fact that he is complaining about your jealousy is BS... he wants you to feel that way otherwise he wouldn't be making those comments to you.

Tell him if he wants to banter over other women's attributes he can do it with his friends.

No, it's not reasonable.

He not only needs to respect you because he's in a relationship with you, he needs to have integrity which you cannot fix. It's either within one's soul or doesn't exist. You cannot bend him to your will. A leopard cannot change its spots.

Respect means to treat others the way you want to be treated. It's obvious he lacks empathy and does not care what you think whenever he blurts out how attractive or educated another woman is. My husband does neither nor do I verbally comment to my husband how attractive and educated other men are. We have a respect code between us which goes without saying. We don't lecture each other either. It's common sense to treat each other with respect.

Talking about an ex needs to be handled with discretion. Should you ask, he could make a small comment and leave it at that but if you don't broach the subject, neither should he. Again, it's about respect toward not only you but to his ex, too. He needs good manners.

He needs to quit showing you pictures of his exes which is in poor taste. He does not exercise any discretion!

Again, he comments about 'she is pretty' which is disrespectful to you. He totally disregards your feelings which is awfully selfish of him. He's a red flag!

He doesn't sound like a winner to me. You certainly can do better and you deserve a man who treats you with respect because treating you with respect is a sincere expression of very conscientious love. You need to get that straight.

He will not change for you because he is who he is. You can't control him nor teach him how to behave properly like a decent human being. Either accept and tolerate your boyfriend as is or get out and choose a man who knows how to treat you honorably and with sincere respect.

You have all the information you need. If you choose to continue dating him it must be with the full knowledge AND acceptance that he will continue his boorish behavior.

If you don't like his behavior...date someone else.

Immature and insecure behaviours. Period. If he continues to do this, tell him straight up. "I don't want to know about your past relationships, they are in the past for a reason. Can we move forward?"

I have to say , I also think this guy sounds absolutely horrible . I’m sorry but what kind of man thinks this behaviour is acceptable at that age ... and then to call you jealous.

People behave in certain ways because they get a pay off from that behaviour . In thinking about the behaviours you describe I can only imagine a couple of ‘pay offs ‘ for him and none of them are positive for you or the relationship . One would seem to be as several people have mentioned , that it boosts his feeling of flailing prowess . Puts him in a position of imagined power to be able to sit back and judge women out loud to you and just remind you how important he finds a woman’s appearance and how he will and does notice very much. It almost feels like a threat that hey you better take care of yourself cause I’m watchinv the field constantly , don’t slip . Sure we all notice attractive people but THAT is not what we are talking about here . This man uses his awareness of other women’s looks against you as a weapon and tool by rubbing your nose in it and then calling you jealous. Yuk yuk yuk

At the end of the day we can all wonder why he is doing this but ultimately this is about your boundaries . You have let him know you don’t like this behaviour and given him the opportunity to respect your boundary which it appears he ignored. Another red flag.

Once that happens we have to realise that ultimately it’s up to us to enforce our own boundaries and sometimes that means removing people who hurt us from our lives

This of course is your choice but There is no reason in the world for you to be putting up with a man who behaves like he has no respect for yoh and treats women this way in general . There are plenty of men who actually like and respect women in this world.

Have you told him talking about exes bothers you or that the ED is an issue?

My millionaire boyfriend says he will put me in his will but I can't have any of his money now