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Those who have been married over a few decades


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Have you ever been close to divorce ? I would say we have been close twice. Once in our 30’s due to both of our mental states and my husband’s severe act of boundaries with female friends. And once in our 40’s due to my husband’s career lead to him being away 95% of the time from the time my son was 8 until he was 15.

 

I would say we are pretty solid now but we had a lot of rough times.

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I think life events (kids, death of family member, unemployment, health, etc) can play havoc on a marriage. My first marriage was very healthy marriage.... until the kids came, then my ex-wife split.

I remarried and struggle with the new marriage with all the entanglements blended families bring. Currently, we're both struggling with communication and constant disagreements. We are very different from each other

and I constantly wrestle with staying optimistic and seeking the silver linings in our marriage.

 

No marriage is perfect and it's normal to have ups and downs. I hold on the the belief that our marriage will eventually have an "up" soon. :)

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Oh gosh, no I didn’t mean to startle you. I was just wondering if other really long-term relationships had severe difficulties as well.

 

In a word, YES. If you haven't experienced some difficult times in your marriage, then you haven't been married that long. No marriage is perfect because no person is perfect.

 

I personally have never seen or heard of any marriage where there have never been hard times.

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My husband and I had severe problems the first few years and discussed divorce, even with a therapist, several times. But we worked through. We have had illness, money problems, family interference, but keep working at it and are pretty solid at 30 years. But I do think that a lot of people in long marriages don’t work at it — they skate along and for many, things improve when the kids move out and the in laws die, which is not a popular point of view but I keep seeing it happen. However, those who actively try and find solutions tend to be more of a team and happier, in my experience.

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I think life events (kids, death of family member, unemployment, health, etc) can play havoc on a marriage. My first marriage was very healthy marriage.... until the kids came, then my ex-wife split.

I remarried and struggle with the new marriage with all the entanglements blended families bring. Currently, we're both struggling with communication and constant disagreements. We are very different from each other

and I constantly wrestle with staying optimistic and seeking the silver linings in our marriage.

 

No marriage is perfect and it's normal to have ups and downs. I hold on the the belief that our marriage will eventually have an "up" soon. :)

 

I hope it does for you!

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My husband and I had severe problems the first few years and discussed divorce, even with a therapist, several times. But we worked through. We have had illness, money problems, family interference, but keep working at it and are pretty solid at 30 years. But I do think that a lot of people in long marriages don’t work at it — they skate along and for many, things improve when the kids move out and the in laws die, which is not a popular point of view but I keep seeing it happen. However, those who actively try and find solutions tend to be more of a team and happier, in my experience.

 

We sound very similar with same kind of issues. Lord knows my life will be easier with my in-laws gone. That is coming in the next few years.

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In a word, YES. If you haven't experienced some difficult times in your marriage, then you haven't been married that long. No marriage is perfect because no person is perfect.

 

I personally have never seen or heard of any marriage where there have never been hard times.

 

This is true. But we both had seriously contemplated divorce which impossible for our marriage.

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In a word, YES. If you haven't experienced some difficult times in your marriage, then you haven't been married that long.

 

I personally have never seen or heard of any marriage where there have never been hard times.

 

That's not true. I have been with my guy for 30 years and it's been pretty good/fine. We haven't been close to ending it ever, or not talking to each other for days, or contacting lawyers or sleeping on the couch. Sure we have disagreements occasionally, but no blow outs or rough dark days. I'm not trying to rub it in anyone's face but, I guess I have been lucky? or maybe it's because we keep our money separate, no kids, share a lot of interests? Make sure we have our own space?

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That's not true. I have been with my guy for 30 years and it's been pretty good/fine. We haven't been close to ending it ever, or not talking to each other for days, or contacting lawyers or sleeping on the couch. Sure we have disagreements occasionally, but no blow outs or rough dark days. I'm not trying to rub it in anyone's face but, I guess I have been lucky? or maybe it's because we keep our money separate, no kids, share a lot of interests? Make sure we have our own space?

We entered our relationship both with severe mental health issues. We both also had interfering families. His family hated/ hates me. ( nothing personal any woman would have been hated)

 

Our child was born with a disability. My husband’s career led him to be away a lot. We lost 4 other pregnancies.

 

Etc etc...

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That's not true. I have been with my guy for 30 years and it's been pretty good/fine. We haven't been close to ending it ever, or not talking to each other for days, or contacting lawyers or sleeping on the couch. Sure we have disagreements occasionally, but no blow outs or rough dark days. I'm not trying to rub it in anyone's face but, I guess I have been lucky? or maybe it's because we keep our money separate, no kids, share a lot of interests? Make sure we have our own space?

 

Smackie9 you are one of the lucky ones! I deeply envy you.

IMO, I think it's just fate that some meet the right person that is so well matched. Some people hate their parents, others are inseparable. Some siblings get along really well. Other siblings never speak to each other. I think it all comes down to personalities jiving or clashing.

I have /have had some amazing loving relationships, but also some toxic ones. The difference is that some we can choose to "Unfriend"....others are stuck by obligation (relatives) or for a myriad of reasons stuck with their spouses)

 

I was in the greeting cards section today searching for a Valentine's card for my wife in the "Wife" section. Of the 10 options, most of the sentiments didn't match my marriage at all (sad to say). "You are the love of my life" "I'd be lost without you" "I love you with all of my heart", etc. I settled for the only card of the choices that was more simple that didn't have those endearing words, because I don't really feel them for the last few years. I felt so sad, I almost didn't buy any card.

My issue is that in the past I have felt and had true love and connection with another women....just not my current wife. The hard part is knowing what real love feels like and what real connection is. My wife and I dont have that and it kills me.

However, I am still clinging onto the dream that the relationship between us will improve or become better aligned once we go through counselling and do some self-work. The main issue is that I am very self-aware and openly admit my downfalls and self-deprecating. She never says sorry, admits to mistakes, and it's never her fault. Ultra-frustrating.

Maybe with couples counselling, she will listen to the therapist that she is a big part of our problem marriage.

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That's not true. I have been with my guy for 30 years and it's been pretty good/fine. We haven't been close to ending it ever, or not talking to each other for days, or contacting lawyers or sleeping on the couch. Sure we have disagreements occasionally, but no blow outs or rough dark days. I'm not trying to rub it in anyone's face but, I guess I have been lucky? or maybe it's because we keep our money separate, no kids, share a lot of interests? Make sure we have our own space?

 

Well, a lot is circumstantial, too. Maybe you've been lucky never having to experience- a child with a disability, an illness, loss of job or income, watching a parent die slowly, death of a child (either living or miscarriage), unexpected accident, bout of mental illness, etc.

 

Sometimes even when people do their best- they react differently to one of the above. Keeping money separate is BIG. No kids definitely helps- differing opinions of stuff that comes up with kids is a big cause for fighting.

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Seraphim, I've lurked for a long time, and have always loved reading your comments. You have gone through what sounds like more extreme stressors than most people in the course of their marriage, so in my opinion, of course you're going to reflect that at least somewhat in the marriage relationship.

 

The amazing thing is how

 

1) You have a great relationship with your son, and that relationship has flourished even despite having to manage life through those make or break situations

2) You still are together and have genuine love/care for each other despite all you both have lived through

3) You give to others of your heart and mind thoughtfully, and that's remarkable you're able to give so much love when coming from a place where many wouldn't have that left due to bitterness/resentment kind of killing that ability off (You've maintained compassion in other words)

 

I think you should be a little proud of all this. Making it in the face of so much conflict (I think) is pretty rare!

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Seraphim, I've lurked for a long time, and have always loved reading your comments. You have gone through what sounds like more extreme stressors than most people in the course of their marriage, so in my opinion, of course you're going to reflect that at least somewhat in the marriage relationship.

 

The amazing thing is how

 

1) You have a great relationship with your son, and that relationship has flourished even despite having to manage life through those make or break situations

2) You still are together and have genuine love/care for each other despite all you both have lived through

3) You give to others of your heart and mind thoughtfully, and that's remarkable you're able to give so much love when coming from a place where many wouldn't have that left due to bitterness/resentment kind of killing that ability off (You've maintained compassion in other words)

 

I think you should be a little proud of all this. Making it in the face of so much conflict (I think) is pretty rare!

 

Thank you very much. So sweet of you to say.

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