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My Mother VS Me & My Wife


Anonymus123

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Sorry for my English, I am a Muslim and Pakistani guy and my story begins when my Father and Mother divorced and after divorce my mother my 9 years old brother and myself was living seperately if you ask me personally whose fault was in the divorce it was my mother because she always uses the bad language with my everyone and even after divorce she didn't change and started to fight with her 2 sisters and 2 brothers since then I am working as a child, left my studies after 10 grades, I got engaged with a girl whom I love and it was family arranged engagement, but after that my mother target was me and my fiancé, anyhow after a lot of fights I got married in 2009 and started to live in joint family, my son was born after a year of marriage, there was not a single day when my mother didn't fight with us and in a year she threw us out of home at least 4-5 times every time my family elder intervened and patched up the problem by saying that you and your wife are wrong here and say sorry to her, but after 1.5 years of fighting one day in winter she knocked our door and asked us to leave the house with 6 month old baby without any reason, we moved out and lived 15 days with different relatives and we decided to leave the house permanently my family elders supported me on back of my mother, but it was not that easy decision because financially we were broken, my wife and in-laws respected me in every aspect and told me that it's totally your decision if you want to live your mother or leave the house, finally we moved out from house with only clothes as all of my furniture has to be sold to rent a new home which was gifted from my in-laws, even after all this my wife supported me, 2 years we didn't visited my mother and even we were broke we lived a happy life, then there was a day when my elders told me to forget all things and meet my mother which I did and the problem started again whenever I visit my mother misbehaves with my wife, meanwhile even I was not good and sometimes fought with my wife but she didn’t leave me and when my son was 5 years old we had a daughter and then my life changed, my wife encouraged me to start studies again as I was working in a private firm and we were fair in financials, after her encouragement I started to study and I passed my 12th grade exams and started to study BS as I was working in an IT department, my mother was changed because she was living alone with my little brother and she started to search a girl to marry him, she found a girl whose father was known to me I told her and she was happy that family is known, my brother married the girl, in this marriage there was a fight between my mother and my aunt and I resolved it and this marriage was lead by me and my wife, but after the marriage of my brother we were back where it all started my mother started to fight with her new daughter-in-law but a different change which is that now I am responsible for their marriage and she had a doubt that my wife is teaching her new daughter-in-law and she abuses my wife in front of all, while we have the complaint that she (my brother wife) is not even talking with us in proper manners, anyhow I got job offer from abroad with a very good package and I moved out while in my country my brother earnings was better then me and I never complaint or asked for any thing, I moved my family near my in-laws so they can morally support her, My family life was just revolving around me, now the problem started as my family and my family elders didn’t even called to ask my family that how are they or if they need any thing, when I came back for vacations I visited my mother home with wife and kids, when we all greeted my mother one by one but my mother didn’t even replied to my wife greetings, now I am trying to rebuild my life as it was well disturbed when we leave the house and we had nothing but now when I have some money and I am trying to settle my life with finanace, first my morhter asks for more money while I am already supporting her and she always compare my little brother earning by saying that see now you are earning a lot of money and your brother is not earning that much, even the family elders which supported me while I was leaving the house are critizing me and saying that you should support your mother more, but I am saving money to secure my kids future and now I am 33 years old and I don’t want to live in abroad longer, now my wife is not agreed to talk or visit my mother home by saying that enough is enough now we should take decision and leave her on her own. Now I know that my wife is 100% right about her feelings but need suggestions because I am living abroad and she is living alone we both are mentally disturbed and not in our 100%.

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Sorry for my English, I am a Muslim and Pakistani guy and my story begins when my Father and Mother divorced and after divorce my mother my 9 years old brother and myself was living separately if you ask me personally whose fault was in the divorce it was my mother because she always uses the bad language with my everyone and even after divorce she didn't change and started to fight with her 2 sisters and 2 brothers since then I am working as a child, left my studies after 10 grades, I got engaged with a girl whom I love and it was family arranged engagement, but after that my mother target was me and my fiancé, anyhow after a lot of fights I got married in 2009 and started to live in joint family, my son was born after a year of marriage, there was not a single day when my mother didn't fight with us and in a year she threw us out of home.

 

At least 4-5 times every time my family elder intervened and patched up the problem by saying that you and your wife are wrong here and say sorry to her, but after 1.5 years of fighting one day in winter she knocked our door and asked us to leave the house with 6-month-old baby without any reason, we moved out and lived 15 days with different relatives and we decided to leave the house permanently my family elders supported me on back of my mother, but it was not that easy decision because financially we were broken, my wife and in-laws respected me in every aspect and told me that it's totally your decision if you want to live your mother or leave the house, finally we moved out from house with only clothes as all of my furniture has to be sold to rent a new home which was gifted from my in-laws, even after all this my wife supported me.

 

2 years we didn't visit my mother and even we were broke we lived a happy life, then there was a day when my elders told me to forget all things and meet my mother which I did and the problem started again whenever I visit my mother misbehaves with my wife, meanwhile even I was not good and sometimes fought with my wife but she didn’t leave me and when my son was 5 years old we had a daughter and then my life changed, my wife encouraged me to start studies again as I was working in a private firm and we were fair in financials, after her encouragement I started to study and I passed my 12th-grade exams and started to study BS as I was working in an IT department, my mother was changed because she was living alone with my little brother and she started to search a girl to marry him, she found a girl whose father was known to me I told her and she was happy that family is known, my brother married the girl.

 

In this marriage there was a fight between my mother and my aunt and I resolved it and this marriage was led by me and my wife, but after the marriage of my brother we were back where it all started my mother started to fight with her new daughter-in-law but a different change which is that now I am responsible for their marriage and she had a doubt that my wife is teaching her new daughter-in-law and she abuses my wife in front of all, while we have the complaint that she (my brother wife) is not even talking with us in proper manners, anyhow I got job offer from abroad with a very good package and I moved out while in my country my brother earnings were better than me and I never complain or asked for anything, I moved my family near my in-laws so they can morally support her, My family life was just revolving around me.

 

 

Now the problem started as my family and my family elders didn’t even called to ask my family that how are they or if they need anything, when I came back for vacations I visited my mother home with wife and kids when we all greeted my mother one by one but my mother didn’t even replied to my wife greetings, now I am trying to rebuild my life as it was well disturbed when we leave the house and we had nothing but now when I have some money and I am trying to settle my life with finance, first my mother asks for more money while I am already supporting her and she always compare my little brother earning by saying that see now you are earning a lot of money and your brother is not earning that much, even the family elders which supported me while I was leaving the house are criticizing me and saying that you should support your mother more.

 

I am saving money to secure my kids future and now I am 33 years old and I don’t want to live in abroad longer, now my wife is not agreed to talk or visit my mother home by saying that enough is enough now we should take the decision and leave her on her own. Now I know that my wife is 100% right about her feelings but need suggestions because I am living abroad and she is living alone we both are mentally disturbed and not in our 100%.

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You need to bring your wife to live with you. You need to focus on a better life for yourself, your wife and your kids. This arrangement makes no sense. You can't solve problems running away and leaving your wife and your mother to battle things out. Move back and head your own family or bring your wife to where you are. Why abandon everyone then wonder why there are so many problems?

I am living abroad and she is living alone
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So you are simply too busy with your own pursuits to be with your wife or your family of origin and therefore let them battle with each other? Then you have to hear about all the drama back home from your wife and your family and that annoys you? Well as long as you are away there will be issues.

I am here just to earn money and complete my studies one I have done that I will be back with them.
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So you are simply too busy with your own pursuits to be with your wife or your family of origin and therefore let them battle with each other? Then you have to hear about all the drama back home from your wife and your family and that annoys you? Well as long as you are away there will be issues.

 

I am not on run, back in my country there are very few opportunities to grow, I am in abroad with Consent of my wife.

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Yes but you are trying to play referee between all your family members, your wife, etc from afar and it's not working and they can't help themselves and you can't help them.

 

The culture where you are and the marriage/family culture where you are from may vary greatly. What do you hope to do when you get back home? Are you trying to solve these problems through texting or videochats? What precisely do you do? Do they just want someone to talk at or do they want you to do something?

I am not on run, back in my country there are very few opportunities to grow, I am in abroad with Consent of my wife.
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Yes but you are trying to play referee between all your family members, your wife, etc from afar and it's not working and they can't help themselves and you can't help them. The culture where you are and the marriage/family culture where you are from may vary greatly. What do you hope to do when you get back home?

Are you trying to solve these problems through texting or video chats? What precisely do you do? Do they just want someone to talk at or do they want you to do something?

 

Actually, I am fed up of all this situation, at the moment my wife and my mother doesn't have any sort of contact but when I will be back how will I handle the situation? how can I meet with my mother while she is still abusing myself and my family? currently, I am in touch with my wife and have a very brief voice calls from my mother, but this is not a permanent solution, in deep of my heart I know that my wife is not wrong, the only wrong thing she has done is marrying me.

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How much longer do you intend to work and study where you are? Have you met a local woman? Can your wife file for divorce? It seems she was left behind to deal with your family messes.

I am in touch with my wife and have a very brief voice calls from my mother, but this is not a permanent solution, in deep of my heart I know that my wife is not wrong, the only wrong thing she has done is marrying me.
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How much longer do you intend to work and study where you are? Have you met a local woman? Can your wife file for divorce? It seems she was left behind to deal with your family messes.

 

LOL, seriously??? you are diverting a problem to another level, I take leave after every 3 months for 1 month and no I haven't met any local women or we are going for a divorce, and she is not facing anybody, even I am abroad I am still facing everyone through phones or texts.

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Look, you need to understand and accept that your mother is a very toxic, manipulative person and the best and only way to deal with that is to distance yourself away from her as much as possible.

 

You are a man with a wife and child - that is now YOUR own family that you need to be fully focused on. Your mother no longer gets to interfere or call the shots in your life or your brother's life and so on. Whatever financial support you are willing to provide, keep it at that and otherwise distance yourself from her toxic behavior. She isn't going to change or become a better person. The more you understand that, the better you'll be off. Toxic people are best avoided, but since she is your mother, than simply keep as much and as far away as you can. Arm's length at all times.

 

You are overall on the right track to get your education completed and hopefully move forward to a better and more stable life with your wife and children. That's the only focus that should be in your life. Extended family, let them fight their own battles and keep out of it. The more you become neutral, the more you disengage and just work on you, the better off everyone will be.

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Look, you need to understand and accept that your mother is a very toxic, manipulative person and the best and only way to deal with that is to distance yourself away from her as much as possible.

 

You are a man with a wife and child - that is now YOUR own family that you need to be fully focused on. Your mother no longer gets to interfere or call the shots in your life or your brother's life and so on. Whatever financial support you are willing to provide, keep it at that and otherwise distance yourself from her toxic behavior. She isn't going to change or become a better person. The more you understand that, the better you'll be off. Toxic people are best avoided, but since she is your mother, than simply keep as much and as far away as you can. Arm's length at all times.

 

You are overall on the right track to get your education completed and hopefully move forward to a better and more stable life with your wife and children. That's the only focus that should be in your life. Extended family, let them fight their own battles and keep out of it. The more you become neutral, the more you disengage and just work on you, the better off everyone will be.

 

Thank you very much for your kind advice :friendly_wink:

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I haven't seen or spoken to my MIL since Fall of 2011. You can't change a narcissist. And if they are abusive, what's the point of treating them like family? Just because you share DNA, does not give her the right to be abusive. And who cares what your elders say???? I'm sure she's somewhat together when they talk to her, but once they are gone, her claws come out. Don't enable her behavior by responding when she's being abusive.

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I am not on run, back in my country there are very few opportunities to grow, I am in abroad with Consent of my wife.

 

Go bring your wife to where you are living. Your marriage is very important. If you were a young man with no children, i can understand working abroad with a fiancee back home, but you have children and a wife, and where they go, or you go, the rest should follow. Either secure a job near your in-laws or find a place away from your mother where your family can be together. Tell your mother if she wants to say bad things about you and your wife, she can do so, but as long as she does, you will spend no more time with her. You will not pay her another dime. Your elders know that your brother makes more than you, so leave it up to your brother to give mom more money or sit down with your brother and find out if your mother is using the money wisely or not.

 

thre is no way you have enough to pay living expenses for you abroad, the money your wife and children need and pay for your mother.

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She can but how it will resolve the problem ?

 

First and foremost, your wife and children need support while you are away. It makes more sense financially too for them to stay with her parents.

 

As for your mother, I would not expect a resolution. She sounds angry and argumentative. Your wife has given her many many chances and so have you.

The problem still exists.

The only other thing to do now is to stay away from your mother. She is causing too much upset.

 

Your wife, COMES FIRST. Your children, COME FIRST. That means your mother no longer has a right to see them or you.

She has burnt her bridges with her temper and bad words.

You can respecfully let your mom know that you can't be in her life anymore because you are now going to focus on your own family and do not want anymore fighting.

But how she behaves, she does not deserve anymore than that.

 

You have tried, your wife has tried. You have run out of options when it comes to your mother.

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Tell the family elders you tried to sort it, but your mother makes it too difficult.

 

Tell them you are going to give it a break with mother for a while, and you will have another look at it in time, because right now you need to concentrate on work and studies, to cement your financial future.

 

Tell your wife she and the children are more important than your mother; tell her you are concentrating on work/study/finances now so you can get set up properly with her and the children when you get home.

 

Then do not talk (other than any polite acknowledgment) with any of the elders, your mother, or anyone in her camp on this. You just made your mind up, and it's not open to debate.

 

I understand there are cultural imperatives at work that westerners might not fully understand, but think of it like a game of cricket. You have a batsman in your squad who is playing with an unacceptably poor defensive technique, leaving a gap between the bat and the front leg, and getting out cheaply. As captain/selector, you drop him from the 1st XI and he goes off to the nets and works with the batting coach to improve that technique. Well, I am saying you say to your mother, subtly, that her behavior is unacceptable, and send her to the nets to work on her technique. You do that by withdrawing the privilege of communication with you.

 

Your mother is probably too old and set in her ways to change, but if nothing else, giving her a cooling off period will take the heat out of it for everyone, and the stress from your shoulders.

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I know I'm days late to this post, hopefully Anonymous123 has figured out what he wants to do. But as far as all this not making any sense, I believe it's the family dynamics of the culture in India/Pakistan.

 

Indian moms are pretty famous for acting this way, despite this man having a patriarchal-type religion, the culture itself there is largely matriarchal, and his mother has A LOT of power over his life that just doesn't sit right with most of us Westerners.

 

DancingFool's advice was spot on :) realizing his need to distance himself from his mother is what needs to be done, BUT that's going to be very tricky because it's an all-or-nothing dilemma for Anonymous123. If he distances himself from his mother, his entire extended family will basically ex-communicate him from their lives as well. This means his brother and any children from that marriage will probably end up all being estranged for life (or until he caves and kisses up to his mom again).

 

That is how those families are run, it's all based on control and getting the new in-law wife to bend over backward to the mother-in-law's abusive treatment. There are even documentaries online you can find about this where the Indian MIL treats the new daughter-in-law basically like a slave (in some areas of the region, not all) for a period of time.

 

My husband's family operates like this. The ONLY thing that worked was him saying f-ck-it-all and choosing me and our 3 almost 4 kids (32 weeks prego).

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I believe it's the family dynamics of the culture in India/Pakistan.

 

My limited understanding of this is that the extended family will also expect him to contribute monetarily to the elders as they grow older; hence my suggestion that he emphasize working/studying to cement his financial future.

 

Do you think that might influence them to give mother a bit of a hose--down?

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#1 - Set boundaries. The only toxins that can hurt you are the ones you let in. Don’t feel bad about saying “no” and walking away for a time (you get to define how long that time is).

 

#2 - Find understanding. Toxic people are people in pain, regardless of whether they admit it to themselves/others. If you understand what drives that toxicity, you can find compassion and perhaps avoid some of the triggers of it (see #1).

 

#3 - Live your own, best life. Make your own choices and your own way through the world. The response a toxic person has to your choices is theirs alone. You cannot change them or their reactions, all you can change is how you respond to their toxins (see #1).

 

#4 - Try to find forgiveness within yourself. The odd thing about forgiveness is that ultimately it isn’t about the other person, it’s about you. You don’t even have to tell them that you’ve forgiven them. But it will bring you peace.

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