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Thread: My Mother VS Me & My Wife

  1. #21
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    Tell the family elders you tried to sort it, but your mother makes it too difficult.

    Tell them you are going to give it a break with mother for a while, and you will have another look at it in time, because right now you need to concentrate on work and studies, to cement your financial future.

    Tell your wife she and the children are more important than your mother; tell her you are concentrating on work/study/finances now so you can get set up properly with her and the children when you get home.

    Then do not talk (other than any polite acknowledgment) with any of the elders, your mother, or anyone in her camp on this. You just made your mind up, and it's not open to debate.

    I understand there are cultural imperatives at work that westerners might not fully understand, but think of it like a game of cricket. You have a batsman in your squad who is playing with an unacceptably poor defensive technique, leaving a gap between the bat and the front leg, and getting out cheaply. As captain/selector, you drop him from the 1st XI and he goes off to the nets and works with the batting coach to improve that technique. Well, I am saying you say to your mother, subtly, that her behavior is unacceptable, and send her to the nets to work on her technique. You do that by withdrawing the privilege of communication with you.

    Your mother is probably too old and set in her ways to change, but if nothing else, giving her a cooling off period will take the heat out of it for everyone, and the stress from your shoulders.

  2. #22
    I know I'm days late to this post, hopefully Anonymous123 has figured out what he wants to do. But as far as all this not making any sense, I believe it's the family dynamics of the culture in India/Pakistan.

    Indian moms are pretty famous for acting this way, despite this man having a patriarchal-type religion, the culture itself there is largely matriarchal, and his mother has A LOT of power over his life that just doesn't sit right with most of us Westerners.

    DancingFool's advice was spot on :) realizing his need to distance himself from his mother is what needs to be done, BUT that's going to be very tricky because it's an all-or-nothing dilemma for Anonymous123. If he distances himself from his mother, his entire extended family will basically ex-communicate him from their lives as well. This means his brother and any children from that marriage will probably end up all being estranged for life (or until he caves and kisses up to his mom again).

    That is how those families are run, it's all based on control and getting the new in-law wife to bend over backward to the mother-in-law's abusive treatment. There are even documentaries online you can find about this where the Indian MIL treats the new daughter-in-law basically like a slave (in some areas of the region, not all) for a period of time.

    My husband's family operates like this. The ONLY thing that worked was him saying f-ck-it-all and choosing me and our 3 almost 4 kids (32 weeks prego).

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by LightCandle
    I believe it's the family dynamics of the culture in India/Pakistan.
    My limited understanding of this is that the extended family will also expect him to contribute monetarily to the elders as they grow older; hence my suggestion that he emphasize working/studying to cement his financial future.

    Do you think that might influence them to give mother a bit of a hose--down?

  4. #24
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    #1 - Set boundaries. The only toxins that can hurt you are the ones you let in. Donít feel bad about saying ďnoĒ and walking away for a time (you get to define how long that time is).

    #2 - Find understanding. Toxic people are people in pain, regardless of whether they admit it to themselves/others. If you understand what drives that toxicity, you can find compassion and perhaps avoid some of the triggers of it (see #1).

    #3 - Live your own, best life. Make your own choices and your own way through the world. The response a toxic person has to your choices is theirs alone. You cannot change them or their reactions, all you can change is how you respond to their toxins (see #1).

    #4 - Try to find forgiveness within yourself. The odd thing about forgiveness is that ultimately it isnít about the other person, itís about you. You donít even have to tell them that youíve forgiven them. But it will bring you peace.

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  6. #25
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    At last, I have ended my relationship with my family, thank you all for being supportive and advising me in this regard. :-) :-) :-)

  7. #26
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    Congrats. How did you manage it? Is your wife with you or back in your country with them?
    Originally Posted by Anonymus123
    At last, I have ended my relationship with my family, thank you all for being supportive and advising me in this regard. :-) :-) :-)

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