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Thread: My best friend of over 10 yrs has just disappeared out of my life

  1. #1
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    My best friend of over 10 yrs has just disappeared out of my life

    This topic is really hard for me but I know I don't want to just forget it. My best friend and I have been friends for over 10 years now. We meet each other when we kept our horses at the same place. As the years went by we became very close. When I moved she even kept her horse at my place. We literally have done everything together. Almost every picture I have of adventures shes in it. Then came the day that broke my heart. Let me start off by saying she's always had family problems. Her family is full of liars and narcissists. Figuratively speaking, they are trying to trip each other every second they get. My friend is the most normal in that family. Anyways, the day came where her mom for some reason tried to convince her that we were trying to take her horse from here. Which there was absolutely no reason for that to even be thought, she just needed a reason to break us apart. Which her mom succeeded. My friend moved her horse to her grandma's and we didn't talk for about a year. Eventually she reached out to me and we became friends again. We were inseparable and saw each other almost everyday. I went on trips with her grandma and her. Whenever she needed help or helping her do something for her grandma, I was there. I would drop everything and come to her aid. So would my dad. Countless times we rescued her when her car broke down or fixed it for her. She lived with us for a whole summer. This girl wasn't just my best friend, she was my sister. I cared about her with all my heart and still do. Fast forward to only like two years ago. She finally got a boyfriend that she thought she was gonna marry. That's when she started slipping out of my life. Everything became about him and he was controlling and didn't want me around her. It wasn't until they broke up after almost a year that I had my friend back. Now she moved back with her mom (she was living with her grandma) and I haven't seen her in almost a year... Again. What's worse, she doesn't talk to me and ignores my messages. Now I understand that people grow up, change, drift away but how can you do that to the person you've spent every waking moment with. To the person that was always there for you when no one else has. I don't claim to be the greatest friend on the planet but I'm loyal and I don't leave people. When they need me, I'm there. I've given up trying to talk to her cause I figure I've tried enough. I see her on Facebook hanging out with other people and doing things so it's not like she just has no time for me. She doesn't even talk to her grandma anymore. I just don't understand why this is happening, is it cause of her family, or was my stressful life too much for her stressful life? Even though it's nothing we haven't handled before. Does she just not need me anymore because she now has others to do everything I did for her? I can't help but wonderful if all this time she was just pretending and using me because I can't find a good reason as to why she's doing this. I've tried really hard to forget about it but it's becoming impossible. Especially when my family and other friends always ask where she is or why she's not around. She still looks at my Snapchat story or likes things of mine on Facebook. I've considered going to her work at a restaurant and trying to talk to her but I don't believe that would be the right way to go about this. Any advice would be great because I'm at a total loss. Do I just give up and forget about our friendship? Even though we even have a matching tattoo, she sold me her old horse, every picture she's in it, and apparently the last 10 years mean nothing.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    This friendship seems very codependent OP... what exactly are you getting out of a relationship with someone that continuously disappears on you without explanation?

    I get that this is hard... I've been through similar things with friends, I think we all have.

    It's just that there comes a point when you need to decide whether all of this chasing her around is really worth it when it doesn't seem to be reciprocated in kind.

    Food for thought.

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    I agree. Don't get me wrong she's done stuff for me and been there for me. I've just done more for her than she has me because I'm way more skilled at fixing things and all that stuff. At least... That's what I've believed. It's just hard to want to put blame on her when I don't even know what I've done wrong, if anything. It sure does seem like whenever she has someone else to help her suddenly she doesn't need me anymore. I guess I just wish I knew why she's doing this.

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    People tend to drift apart a little when they get a boyfriend or girlfriend. You say she "finally" got a boyfriend. Does that imply you think something is wrong with her?

    Accept that she has a boyfriend now. Like her stuff on social media. Occasionally send her a joke or say hi but don't chase her around

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I wouldn't try to make rhyme nor reason as to why she continues to ignore you and dropped you as a friend. It happened to me whether friends or cousins. We were super close and then we faded out of each others lives.

    There are so many reasons. It could be she simply lost interest in you which happens. People use others and unfortunately, if there isn't a need nor benefit for them, people drop friends or even family members (relatives / in-laws). Perhaps she has inner turmoil and insurmountable personal problems which you don't know of and she doesn't have brain space for you. Some people drift away if you no longer see one another as often anymore. It becomes "out of sight, out of mind." Perhaps her mom is jealous; not just her grandma. I don't know. Or, perhaps she has a boyfriend or fiance you don't know about.

    I was close to some friends and when I became engaged, married and eventually my 2 sons came into the picture, I was just as guilty and dropped several friends without an explanation. I didn't have the same time and energy to maintain friendships because I became so darn busy and happier with my new life.

    Try not to psychoanalyze the why's too much because you'll drive yourself crazy. Just accept that your friendship had run its 10 year course and it's time to move onto new friendships in your life. I'm sorry you mourn the loss of your friendship with her. I too miss some friendships such as the dear friendship I had with my cousin. Unfortunately, life changes for many people and you have no control over that.

    Don't pursue her. Don't go to her workplace nor confront. She's giving you the message to leave her alone by her actions of ignoring you. Take heed and respect her wishes. Take a hint. She doesn't want anything to do with you. It's her choice so respect her choices and decisions even if you don't like it nor agree with her. There's nothing you can do. Never grovel.

    Hold you head high, be strong and carry on. I do the same.

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    Abitbroken, to answer your question, she didn't have a boyfriend for many years because she went through a bad breakup. I never said or thought there was anything wrong with her. She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore. I do understand that people get busy and fade apart but that isn't an excuse to just completely ignore someone. I'm the kind of person that doesn't believe in just leaving someone or ignoring them. I was raised that you always stick by the ones you care about and you always make time for what and who is important to you. It's hard to accept that she could do this when I would never do that. I have another friend I've been friends with for over 15 years and we went a span where we didn't talk much or see each other but we were still always there for each other. I don't know why she would still take an interest in my life if she was just done with me.

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    Originally Posted by barrelracer715
    Abitbroken, to answer your question, she didn't have a boyfriend for many years because she went through a bad breakup. I never said or thought there was anything wrong with her. She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore. I do understand that people get busy and fade apart but that isn't an excuse to just completely ignore someone. I'm the kind of person that doesn't believe in just leaving someone or ignoring them. I was raised that you always stick by the ones you care about and you always make time for what and who is important to you. It's hard to accept that she could do this when I would never do that. I have another friend I've been friends with for over 15 years and we went a span where we didn't talk much or see each other but we were still always there for each other. I don't know why she would still take an interest in my life if she was just done with me.
    I was addressing the term "FINALLY" got a boyfriend.

    I think you had a lot in common when you were younger and those common things sort of started to decline. i am only friends with one person i was friends with when i was 25 years or younger. We reconnected a few years ago on social media. None of the other people in our small friends group are friends with us from back then either. She has not DONE anything to you -- her life just grew in a different direction. I think you should not get mad at her. Her life might overlap with yours again sometime.

    I was raised that you always stick by the ones you care about and you always make time for what and who is important to you.


    why not work on making more friends? Everyone has different types of friends - work friends, friends you grew up with, new friends. My friend from childhood and i don't talk a lot, but when we do, we pick up where we left off with neither of us feeling obligated to the other

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    barrelracer715, It is indeed rude to completely ignore you. I don't approve of simply casting you aside with nary an explanation. I agree with you; it is unacceptable behavior.

    She has an interest in your life simply out of curiosity and checking up on you on her terms without resuming friendship with you. Her behavior is very unkind.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry you're hurt.

    I've had friends and a cousin who disrespected and abandoned me, too. I've since moved on and created my own happiness in other ways and I hope you will, too.

    Try not to preoccupy yourself with your friend who is no more. She's not worth your time and energy.

    Since she is treating you with disrespect, she's not much of a friend, is she? Now that you know the unsavory side to her character, it's a rude awakening for you and you're better off not having this type of "friend." A real friend doesn't treat you this way. A real friend is considerate and if they part ways with you, they explain as opposed to leaving you hanging. Never long nor yearn for a friend who doesn't treat you with consideration and respect.

    It's time to surround yourself with high quality people and new friends who know how to be honorable, decent human beings.

    I'm fortunate. My best friend is a friend whom I've known ever since 4th grade. She was my maid-of-honor, our sons are the same age and we reside locally. My other close local friend is a former colleague.

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    She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore.
    How do you know that for sure, seeing as you haven't been in contact for a while?

    Are you stalking her on line? If so, you need to stop doing that. It is unhealthy for you.

    Unfriend/delete her from your social media, and stop obsessing over this.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by barrelracer715
    Now I understand that people grow up, change, drift away but how can you do that to the person you've spent every waking moment with. To the person that was always there for you when no one else has. I don't claim to be the greatest friend on the planet but I'm loyal and I don't leave people. When they need me, I'm there.
    I don't think you do understand (yet). But it's a hard fact of life that you should wrap your mind around as soon as possible: Being a friend to someone, spending time with them, lending a helping hand to them in times of need, being loyal--these things are great qualities, but they aren't chains that prevent others from leaving.

    When they go, they go. Plain and simple. Let them go.

    Maybe they'll come back, maybe they won't. They are free to pursue their own hearts just as you are. They don't owe you anything and you don't owe them.

    And on that note, have you questioned your own thinking on the matter? Why do your past "friendship services" obligate her to make time for you now? Did you do these things from the kindness of your own heart, or did you do them to create an obligation or ingratiate yourself to her.

    These questions are for you to think about and you don't have to answer here and you don't have to come up with an answer right away. But do think about it and be honest with yourself about the answer. Creating a sense of obligation never cements a relationship.

    Enjoy what you have while you have it because it's not written in stone.

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