Ex gf still has feelings for me but doesn't know if she can get over the past

My ex gf and I are mid 20s and started dating around the end of college and dated for about 3 years. We were very compatible and had an instant connection with a lot of love but we got together at a weird time and it wasn't always the healthiest. Due to mental health issues on her end she was dealing with and mental health issues on my end which I was ignoring we fought a lot and I ended up hurting her a lot emotionally in the end. She broke up with me bc of this pain I caused and she thought I didn't care about the relationship and has since moved to another city a few hours away for school. It has been 6 months since we broke up and I have been going to therapy (along with many other things) to address my issues with self esteem and depression and have learned how these impacted how I acted with her as well as how I have acted with myself.

After about 3 months no contact, I texted her and after some conversation I asked if she wanted to hang out. She came over to my apartment for almost 6 hours the other day which was a lot of fun and a lot of laughter and she pretty much told me everything about her life and new friends in great detail saying things like "you two would get along so great." and she said she missed me unprompted. I told her about the things I've learned in therapy and how they influenced my actions in the relationship. She was happy to hear I've been improving and to finally understand what was going on. She was also honest about how shes not the happiest and shes had her ups and downs. The relationship came up and she said she still misses me and has not moved on at all but she doesn't know if she can get over all the hurt from the past and is unsure if we would ever be good as a couple despite how well our personalities mesh. Because of this she doesn't know what she wants but she does want be friends. She left with things up in the air. A few days later I was not handling the uncertainty well and said I couldn't be just friends if us being together in the future isn't a possibility and she said she doesn't think she wants to bc too much has happened but I know she is also very prideful and self protective. But she also said she doesn't believe in absolutes and said if "it was meant to be it would be" which when we originally broke up she was saying theres no chance. I since apologized for pressuring her and said I'd leave her alone. She said shes here for me if I ever need her and I said the same.

I think shes still confused and she said no because I was pressuring her so I think the best thing is to give her space but we already went through a 3 month period of NC so idk if another period of NC will do any good. Did I ruin my chances of getting back together by being too pushy? Is there anything I can do to prove to her it would be different? (I am 100% confident it would be bc I am facing my issues). Has anyone here been in a similar situation? I really love her and I have spent these 6 months working to make sure I wont repeat the same mistakes and also to be a healthier version of myself for myself.

Excellent you are helping yourself with everything. Sorry to hear about this breakup. Try not to backpedal. The friendzone after a breakup is not a healing or good place to be. Take a rest, work things out with your doctors and therapist and when you a start feeling better make a fresh start. Leave her be. She has moved on but doesn't want to hurt you.

I have been going to therapy (along with many other things) to address my issues with self esteem and depression

 

.....but she doesn't know if she can get over all the hurt from the past and is unsure if we would ever be good as a couple

Since she's not 100 percent confident in trying again, then it's not going to happen. And you made the right decision by not remaining in contact as friends. Just continue working on yourself for your own good, and to have a more successful relationship in the future.

Listen to Garth Brooks song Unanswered Prayers and it might make you feel a little better. Your fate lies elsewhere, although it's hard to imagine that right now. You'll get there with time and distance away from your past.

The relationship came up and she said she still misses me and has not moved on at all but she doesn't know if she can get over all the hurt from the past and is unsure if we would ever be good as a couple despite how well our personalities mesh. Because of this she doesn't know what she wants but she does want be friends. She left with things up in the air. A few days later I was not handling the uncertainty well and said I couldn't be just friends if us being together in the future isn't a possibility and she said she doesn't think she wants to bc too much has happened

And there you have your answer.

You need to reaffirm your own position and say -

I understand your views, It's not what I want but so be it. I am not interested in being just friends. If you change your mind, let me know. Otherwise, good luck.

There is nothing you can do to make her change her mind, you can only keep working on yourself.

Anyone who tells you that some finite period of no contact will somehow change the dumper's mind is not telling you the truth.

Well, she's right that she can't get over the hurt. Plus, the reasons why you two broke up in the first place are still there and will surface again if you try to get back together.

Why not find a new girl and start off with a clean slate? We call them breakups because they are broken.

I think if she’s truly open ended she will likely contact you at some point.

If she does, then at least you know she’s contacting you with the understanding that you’re not trying to be friends. That doesn’t mean she’s wanting a relationship all of a sudden. But it means she’s at least in a gray area, and it’s up to you to remain disciplined enough to exist in that momentary gray area without damaging everyone involved, and it’s up to you to know when to gracefully and respectfully bow out if you realize it’s not progressing how you hoped.

You've answered your own questions, Hydroappa.

She said it's ok to remain friends, you don't want friendship because you prefer a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship so that's that. It's a stalemate. If both of you cannot agree, then it's time to go your separate ways.

You didn't ruin your chances to get back together by being pushy. You weren't pushy. However, your expectations were too high and unrealistic. No, there's nothing you can do to prove it would be different. Why? Because for your ex-girlfriend and millions of people including me, there's no such thing as "forgive AND forget." Sure people can forgive by moving on but forgetting is impossible. Once we get a taste of a person's very unsavory transgressions, it's one and done, two if you're lucky. There will always be harsh consequences for one's intolerable and unacceptable actions.

I've been in similar situations indeed. Granted our stories are not exactly the same but there are definite parallels. My thoughts are universal in general. I've had various people in my life who've tested me sorely with their cruel words both verbal, written and their actions. The problem is, they can't take it back. Some people can make amends with sincere apologies whereas others despite apologies, wish to exit the relationship permanently because they will GUARANTEE their emotional safety and security forever. Why? Because most people are not risk takers regarding the propensity of getting hurt again. Most people are risk adverse in this arena. This is human nature. Whenever they think or look at perpetrators, this comes to mind: "I don't trust you anymore." Previous innocence and naivete are no more.

Unfortunately, my paths cross with certain people I would never care to see again for the remainder of my life. All I can do is enforce healthy boundaries with them, remain respectful, well mannered, polite yet maintain a frosty distance. Short of estrangement, it's the best I can do and all I'm willing to give of myself. Some people have to take what they can get because this is the outcome from negative experiences.

All you can do is think long and hard, learn from your mistakes and navigate yourself wisely in the future. Always remember to be conscientious. Conduct yourself wisely, respectfully, honorably, consistently and permanently in the future toward others and you'll know that your relationship with your ex-girlfriend was not all in vain.