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Went to visit FWB in another country, midway through my stay, everything changed


Psykadelicio

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Last summer I had a fling with a guy I've known for three years. It was fun, and lasted five days before I went back home. Lots of sex and affection, acting all 'in love', infatuated, couple like while together. We live in seperate countries, so we both knew it was what it was.

He's been wanting to meet me since, and now, six months later, I went to visit him for 6 days.. It started out great, almost where we left off. The first two days. Then day 3 I didn't want sex because my vagina was hurting from all the penetration. He spooned me all night. The next day his mood was a bit off, he got up early with no morning cuddles. He doesn't really like to cuddle, but I do, so he does that for me. Later, I wasn't in the mood to have sex, I was full of food, and felt gassy. I didn't tell him this, as I was slightly embarrassed. I just kinda ignored his advances.

Day after that again, he is still sulking. He got up early again. If I tried to hug him. He would pull away or push me away. He said I was a tease, and he was upset he wasn't getting sex, and that he wouldn't chase me to get what he wants. He wasn't going to have sex with me unless I pursued him.

So how I see it, first he maybe feels hurt from rejection? Then I get hurt from him rejecting me and my advances again. So the last two days we were together, we hardly spoke, he seemed annoyed by me, blaming his headache and frustration on the fact he hadn't cum in a couple of days. So me not throwing myself at him is a turn off for him? And his behaviour and his rejection of me is a total turn off for me. The last 24 hours couldn't have gone by any slower. This last morning together, he gets out of bed at 6 in the freaking morning, doesn't acknowledge me when I come up and make him tea. He just stares into his phone. I go for a walk, come back, same thing. I let him be, and just went to sleep for the remaining hour before I had to leave. He barely gave me a hug before I left, and just said "talk to you later".

What the ?? Why the 'sudden' change in behaviour? Why all hugs and kisses, and then as soon as I turn down sex one night his attitude changes? I also know he 'sees' other women, I knew this before we hooked up last summer, he's somewhat of a womaniser. Which is fine, because I have no romantic feelings for him, and no expectations of entering a new relationship, so my feelings are not hurt. I'm. Just confused as to his behaviour. From a guys perspective, maybe. What the hell just happened. Why would he suddenly become so cold and distant?

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Unfortunately, it sounds like he would be better off getting prostitutes locally if he just wants a lot of random sex. Get checked for STDs. Delete and block him from all messaging apps and social media. When you are cleared from your doctor and healed mentally and physically, consider dating decent local men.

 

My advice about this remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563039&p=7188727&viewfull=1#post7188727

Then day 3 I didn't want sex because my vagina was hurting from all the penetration.The next day his mood was a bit off, he got up early with no morning cuddles. he's somewhat of a womaniser. Which is fine
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Why all hugs and kisses, and then as soon as I turn down sex one night his attitude changes?

 

Because he doesn't give a sh*t about you as a person, you are a human sex toy. You traveled there so he could use your body whenever he wanted to, and you denied him of that, now you are of no use to him. He doesn't even have the decency to acknowledge you as a person.

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Unfortunately, it sounds like he would be better off getting prostitutes locally if he just wants a lot of random sex. Get checked for STDs. Delete and block him from all messaging apps and social media. When you are cleared from your doctor and healed mentally and physically, consider dating decent local men.

 

My advice about this remains the same:

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

Also, sidenote, this post is not the same guy as in my previous post. Haha but obviously my radar has been off the last 4 years.

 

I think deleting and blocking him is a bit hard. I avoid confrontation, and probably should've just talked to him. Yesterday or this morning. I also did nothing to assure him that it's not about him, and that I like him.. As a person. I just left letting him think I didn't want him? Or is he just grumpy.

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Why not get to a doctor and therapist rather than try to figure out players? No one can advice you to fly places for random sex. Start being honest with yourself. You do want someone to care and be affectionate not just treat you as a hooker.

I also did nothing to assure him that it's not about him, and that I like him.. As a person. I just left letting him think I didn't want him?

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This was just about sex for him, OP. His ego took a big hit when you turned him down, even if your reasons were perfectly valid. To avoid a misunderstanding, you could have let him know why you weren't in the mood without getting too specific, such as telling him that something at dinner didn't sit well with your stomach and you would prefer to let it settle before getting intimate again. He also could have reacted far more maturely to you not wanting sex all the time; his punitive and petulant demeanor would put me right off as well.

 

As such, I personally don't think I would bother trying to keep this going. Even if you two had had a smooth 6 days, this wasn't going anywhere. He's too far away and is sex-driven. All the prior affection was a precursor to sex, but not an indication of deeper feelings on his part. Since you don't even live in the same country, it won't be worth trying to make this into something more.

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This was just about sex for him, OP. His ego took a big hit when you turned him down, even if your reasons were perfectly valid. To avoid a misunderstanding, you could have let him know why you weren't in the mood without getting too specific, such as telling him that something at dinner didn't sit well with your stomach and you would prefer to let it settle before getting intimate again. He also could have reacted far more maturely to you not wanting sex all the time; his punitive and petulant demeanor would put me right off as well.

 

As such, I personally don't think I would bother trying to keep this going. Even if you two had had a smooth 6 days, this wasn't going anywhere. He's too far away and is sex-driven. All the prior affection was a precursor to sex, but not an indication of deeper feelings on his part. Since you don't even live in the same country, it won't be worth trying to make this into something more.

 

I agree with this. Basically nothing changed -this was always about sex and that didn't change. So when you changed by saying no he reacted normally to you changing things up. I totally get that it's embarrassing to explain but simply tell the person it's health-related so they know it isn't personal if you want to continue having intercourse with your sex partner in the future.

 

I think your expectations were also unrealistic because he is not an "FWB" -you two were never good friends. You met and had sex for a couple of days and then met up again for more sex.

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Hi, sorry to be blunt but I have just been with somebody the same

He doesn't want to know you as a person, just wants you as a sex toy

I recognise it because the story is so like my own

You can do better I think and I'd consider moving on ASAP

Nothing personal, he may be a womaniser or a misogynist, accustomed to seeing women as objects

Love, Lady D

XXX

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Let me elaborate..........This is one of those cases where you should have communicated with him and told him you were sore. Instead, you rejected him without explanation and now he thinks you don't like him. If you would have explained that you were sore and asked to take a break, a normal person would understand.

 

I had a girlfriend tell me once she was getting raw - so we took a break. It was a non-issue because we communicated.

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If you don't want romance and a longterm companion, isn't it a lot cheaper to have a local FWB?

 

And FWBs are never meant to last longterm, so why not just see this as the end of this FWB, which was inevitable, and cut all contact with him?

 

Also, staying with someone you barely know, being with them 24/7 for a solid 6 days is usually smothering and too much togetherness, which could be another reason he acted like a jerk. Learn from your mistakes, including your comment about avoiding confrontation. If you allow people to stay in your life who will burn you, stock up on ointment. It's a shame you don't love yourself enough to do what's right for you.

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Let me elaborate..........This is one of those cases where you should have communicated with him and told him you were sore. Instead, you rejected him without explanation and now he thinks you don't like him. If you would have explained that you were sore and asked to take a break, a normal person would understand.

 

.....

 

OP I suggest finding someone that doesn't act all butt hurt when you say no to sex.

 

You are under no obligation to soothe this guys little baby feelings by providing an explanation as to why.

 

I would chalk this up to a lesson learned... the guy has no interest in getting to know you beyond the bedroom. If you are okay with a casual relationship you need to take what comes with that... a lack of intimacy and attachment... otherwise be honest with yourself and expect more.

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.....

 

OP I suggest finding someone that doesn't act all butt hurt when you say no to sex.

 

You are under no obligation to soothe this guys little baby feelings by providing an explanation as to why.

 

I would chalk this up to a lesson learned... the guy has no interest in getting to know you beyond the bedroom. If you are okay with a casual relationship you need to take what comes with that... a lack of intimacy and attachment... otherwise be honest with yourself and expect more.

 

- That would be like telling her not to get butt hurt when he says no to affection.

 

If you want your partner to love you and stay with you, don't withhold sex or affection without cause or explanation. It's a form of rejection, and it makes the person's love level drop. If you don't think so, just try it - good luck with that.

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- That would be like telling her not to get butt hurt when he says no to affection.

 

If you want your partner to love you and stay with you, don't withhold sex or affection without cause or explanation. It's a form of rejection, and it makes the person's love level drop. If you don't think so, just try it - good luck with that.

 

But they are just sex partners who've known each other a short time. So she should be able to say no - and he should just deal with it. The issue is that since they're near-strangers he's probably going to assume that it's personal -or at least, he does.

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But they are just sex partners who've known each other a short time. So she should be able to say no - and he should just deal with it[***]. The issue is that since they're near-strangers he's probably going to assume that it's personal -or at least, he does.

 

So, if they are not compatible, sexually, she should say no, and he should, as you say just deal with it.

 

[***] Surely you are not suggesting he should change his behavior to suit the compatibility she wants? Because that is exactly what you appear to be saying.

 

Which in this instance means they should break up and move on to find someone more compatible.

 

So that would be the end of that.

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Obviously there were feelings involved here. If there were no feelings, there would be no complaining.......but both were obviously complaining

 

He's complaining because he wants his sex robot to perform, she's complaining because she wants affection.

 

This guy does not have feelings for her. She is a warm body to him in a line of women he is bedding.

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I think you may have had a better outcome if you presented yourself as relationship material, rather than a traveling FWBs.

 

In any event, I'm sure you knew of his true intentions and chose to roll the dice, rather than read the writing on the wall. In short, I'm sorry this happened but you need to own the role you played in this.

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So, if they are not compatible, sexually, she should say no, and he should, as you say just deal with it.

 

[***] Surely you are not suggesting he should change his behavior to suit the compatibility she wants? Because that is exactly what you appear to be saying.

 

Which in this instance means they should break up and move on to find someone more compatible.

 

So that would be the end of that.

 

No I did not mean that. Nothing to do with breaking up - that refers to couples not long distance sex partners. I mean that anyone can say no without explanation - especially in this situation -and he can either deal with it and wait to see if she will say yes next time or he can decide to assume it's personal and call a different sex partner who will say yes. He should change his behavior if he feels like it - so let's say he reacts by taking it personally - he still can decide "ok she rejected sex with me but it's worth it to me to put my ego aside and see if she says yes later". He shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do either. If they were in a romantic relationship then I would hope that the partner who took something personally might decide for the benefit of the relationship to be curious not furious -to ask his girlfriend why she said no, and see if they can discuss. Because it's worth it to communicate rather than run away if there's an actual relationship. But since she's one of many -either presently or future - maybe he didn't feel like bothering. Especially since she doesn't live close by.

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If they were in a romantic relationship then I would hope that the partner who took something personally might decide for the benefit of the relationship to be curious not furious -to ask his girlfriend why she said no, and see if they can discuss. Because it's worth it to communicate rather than run away if there's an actual relationship.

 

I love this quote. My ex-bf would get mad and sulk like a preschooler who was denied candy before dinner the few times I denied him sex - not to say that I wasnt cuddly and affectionate and otherwise wanting to be all over him, I just didnt feel like having something shoved up my vagina at that particular moment in time. But he never asked me if I was ok or showed concern if I was still into him etc; all it was about for him was that he felt entitled to sex and that I wasnt holding up me end of the bargain. I was just a source of sex for him, nothing more. Anyway, that was all a part of a 'relationship'. OP wasnt even in a relationship, so the guy doesnt care about her as a human being. Any decent human being, regardless of relationship status, would ask if everything was ok and what the matter was. Especially if you are spending such an intense amount of time together.

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