Unconventional love

I've been a caregiver my whole life.

Both my parents suffer from mental illnesses and I helped look after both of them from an early age. I also took care of my grandfather (who had both legs amputated) for quite sometime. I helped my mother raise my younger sister who never had her father around. I sacrificed my life for many years and so happen to marry (my soon to be ex wife) someone who is disabled. We've been together for five years. She had a life expectancy of up to 26, we met at 28, and we're both 33 years old now.. She suffers from friedrichs ataxia, a type of muscular dystrophy that is a rare genetic disease that causes difficulty walking, a loss of sensation in the arms and legs, and impaired speech. It's also known as spinocerebellar degeneration. The disease causes damage to parts of your brain and spinal cord and can also affect your heart. She's very dedicated to living and I admire her willingness to do so. She's a very dedicated vegan and I honestly believe that it's the sole reason why she has lived this long. Anyway we decided that it's best we separate as we are both very unhappy with each other and probably better serve one another as friends. We did numerous things like book readings and couples counseling and she is now looking for a new home. A few months after we started dating, she proposed to me. I didn't like the way she was living as she was living in a nursing home in which all other residents were way older than her. I feel as though I married her through more of compassion and empathy rather than romantic love.. I work full time in logistics and (for now) she stays at home with homecare providers until I get home. I then cook and clean and help her with eating, toileting, showering and I put her to bed. It's extremely exhausting but nothing can compare to what she goes through.. My family and friend were very accepting of her and fully supported us in being together. I never much have cared for what others think of me as cliche as that sounds, it's very genuine. Everywhere we've gone together people looked at us with some type of curiosity in their eyes and well it never once bothered me. I say this because I want to add context to who I am, not that I think I'm anything special btw. Anyway last year was the year we decided to separate and now hence my new dilemma. For the first time in my whole life I honestly truly feel like I have found love!!! And it's the greatest ing thing I have ever experienced!!! My only problem is that the girl of my dreams, doesn't feel the same about me.. To top it off she is a dancer at an adult club, not that I'm judging but yeah.. I'm sure I'm not the first to fall for someone as such and if there's anyone still reading this I'm sure this is probably laughable now. Not that I think anything poorly of someone in the profession of dancing, but to be a cliche ( probably) guy who has fallen in love for someone considered a sex worker.. We met back in July of last year when my wife and I were fresh on the outs with one another. I have been to many clubs of the sort in my lifetime, and used to make fun of friends who I felt were suckas for spending ridiculous amounts of money on girls who were obviously working them over. She (the dancer) has the same effect on me and probably sees me as easy money to which I feel compelled to always give her.. I am not the most attractive looking man, but I'm reasonably confident. I've never been desperate for unattainable love or anything of the sort. I don't feel vulnerable because of what happened between my wife and I.. I just can't explain the pure joy and happiness this women gives me.. It literally feels like the best feeling in the world.. I've been in relationships before my wife, and never really felt joy or anything for whom the person I was with. To which probably gave reason to why my previous relationships only lasted up to a few months if that. I'm 33 like I said, and I have never felt this way for any other woman in my life! I've expressed my feelings to the dancer and well they are not reciprocated the way I'd like them to be. She's a very beautiful woman, the most beautiful I have seen in my life, and yeah.. The reason I'm writing all this is because not one person in my life knows she exists. For reasons I feel may be obvious I have decided to keep this part of my life in secret. I had to get this out somewhere and I feel like maybe this would be the appropriate place. I live a very unconventional / eccentric life and always have. I feel as though I could (like many songs have said) spend the rest of my life loving this girl even if we never do get together. Unrequited love I believe it's what it's called.. Idk there's many different types of relationships out there these days such as polyamorous and triads or whatever. I think this works for me.. I always envisioned love to be like it is in movies and books of where the man sees the woman and falls for her and only her.. Man life would be great if it were so.. I don't think anyone will ever read all this nonsense but it feels great to put it out there! Thanks

I think you need to give some timelines here because it doesn’t quite add up the way you have related it.

At what age and for how long did you take care of your mother and father?

At what age and for how long did you take care of your grandfather?

Does your sister have the same father as you?

If yes , then you can’t have been looking after your father since you said he wasn’t around for your sister?

If no , then how could you look after your mother and father in separate locations??

At what age did you stop being a caretaker for these people?

I’ll answer once I have clarification.

Thanks!!

Look, I totally get being a kind and compassionate person and wanting to care for people and be "the knight in shining armour". I've been a disability and mental health worker for seven years and I used to kind of take care of my ex fiance with serious mental illness. So I can relate. I just wonder whether because the only thing you knew your whole life was to be a carer, somehow you don't seem to have a concept of what romantic relationships actually are.

You should never marry someone just because you feel sorry for them and because you're a kind person. The whole point of being in a relationship is because you feel attraction and romantic love for that person and that you can get something out of it too. I don't see anywhere in this post where you said you were actually in love with your ex wife or enjoyed being with her. You don't have to be someone's carer just because you feel bad for them. You don't have to put your own life aside for that person to make them feel better.

Anyway, that aside. I don't think you're "in love" with the stripper woman either. The reason why you feel that excitement and butterflies is because you feel lust. That's what lust feels like. Real love actually doesn't feel all giddy and like fireworks after a while because it develops into strong friendship and companionship.

Yes no doubt you feel something strongly for this woman because she's gorgeous. That's why she makes good money as a stripper! But I guarantee what you feel is not actual love because you don't even know the real her. What you see of her at the club is a persona she's playing. She's putting on a front to act like she's into her customers and to charm them. Because it's her JOB and that's how she makes money.

If you want to keep getting a lap dance from her then by all means, do so. I'm sure she appreciates the tips. But if you're seriously going to waste all your time on yet another woman that's wrong for you then you're not going to find actual love.

With the handicapped lady, It's called pity love. You are probably mistaking compassion for romantic love. So, it might not be legitimate love.

The dancer is just sucking money out of you, that's her job. She's not you girlfriend. What are you thinking?

I'm sorry guy, but you win the award for picking the worst partners ever.

I'd like to say this thread is a joke, but I have actually seen these problems before.

Have you ever sought therapy to address

any issues stemming from your difficult upbringing that may be affecting your adult relationships? I see a pattern in what you wrote and the theme seems to be "impossible loves". You chose a woman who was supposed to die young and now you are choosing a woman who clearly doesn't love you and has told you so. Imo, your money would be better spent exploring with a professional therapist what within you is driving you to make such choices in your romantic love. Good luck.

I just can't explain the pure joy and happiness this women gives me.. It literally feels like the best feeling in the world..

Have you ever been on an actual date with this chick or is this just lap dance fever you're suffering from?

You're right, I'm sorry for being vague. I had originally written out everything in more detail but due to my laptop being broken, and me accidentally hitting the back icon on the screen of my phone last night, I ended up rewriting impatiently and frustrated.. So my mom currently lives in two places. She lives with my most times, and with my older brother who doesn't live very far. It is temporary though, as she's looking for a place of her own. She suffers from bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. There's been periods of time ever since I was in my teens where she was completely lost in confusion and fear, and she would act like a child at times.. That was long ago, with very brief episodes since my teens. She is on a bunch of medications and is more coherent and of sound mind these days. My father currently lives with my younger half brother (26) and he suffers from depression and alcoholism if you consider that a disease. I feel like my whole life between my two brothers (I have an older brother, a younger half brother from my dad, and a younger sister age 22 from my mom) between my two brothers and I we've been taking care of my father our whole adult lives, because he has never been able to take care of himself. My parents separated before I was born, and my dad remarried for ten years to my stepmom who basically got tired of taking care of him. When I was in my late teens early twenties, my grandfather developed diabetes and ended having both legs and some fingers amputated. I at the time worked up the street from where my grandparents lived and I would help my grandma out as much as I could to care for him. In 2008 my Grandma suffered a stroke, and was in a coma for 6 months. I moved in with my grandpa because he refused to live with anyone else. My grandma was in the hospital for quite a bit of time, then a nursing home. We would go see her almost every day. She passed away in the month of September that year, and my grandpa followed within the same month. I consider them to be almost like my mother and father.. My mom had an on and off again boyfriend with my younger half sister's father. He was a drug addict and thank God was never involved with my sister after she was born. My mom sister and I lived with each other for a very long time. Even when I got my own place I invited them to live with me. Once my sister turned eighteen she moved out as is doing very well for herself. At age 28 is when I met Sara my wife. We were together for almost five years. We recently decided to separate a few months ago though she still lives with me. Our relationship now is more like a friendship and she is looking for a new permanent place to live. We never married legally or in the eyes of the state because she'd stand to lose a lot of assistance she needs for her medical necessities. I will be reducing my role in her life when she does move. But I will always continue to care part time for her as with my parents.

Tiny dance I think you're absolutely right. I don't know what a romantic love relationship looks like. I did and do love Sara my wife but I love her as I love my family and friends but (well for a good period of time) more intimately. We've become very distant over the last few years since she moved in with me, and I think it's mostly because we see the world differently. And though I've been one to always accommodate, she just never could. She's a very beautiful woman. We always joked that if she was healthy there'd be now way we would be together. I think we needed each other at that time in our life. She still needs care obviously, but she deserves to be happy as I am.

Again I don't know what a romantic loving relationship feels like. I've always dreamed about it and what not. I wish it was like it seems in movies.. I have female friends, and I work with and have worked with plenty of beautiful women. I have been to plenty of strip clubs and have received a fair share of dances in my life. Though I want to say there was a long period that I didn't go to a strip club in respects to Sara. And because it got to a point where we couldn't be intimate with each other, I started lusting for other women and felt maybe it'd be more appropriate to at a club rather than anywhere else.

Speaking to Gary, I'm afraid I've become "that guy".. I never thought I would. I know she's not my girl. I know I may seem like a complete idiot or whatever.. I'm not going to talk her up because I know it would seem even more foolish of me to do so. But in my defense I've never had any type of feelings that came from one person that makes me feel so incredible.. It had been years, since I was a teenager probably that I felt the butterflies and what not that I get from this girl. I met her back in July and have been seeing her since. Though all professionally, I have seen her out of the club but never for anything else than to just talk. I know there's a big front that she puts up, but I have seen glimpses of who she is, and she shares a lot about her personal life with me.. Like me, she has had a difficult upbringing and has a physical affliction from being burned in a fire from her back to the back of her arms that speaks to who she is. She's a very strong personality and I admire her greatly for her attitude. I think because of her difficulties with life it somehow resonates with me and my past.. As kids we were both almost sexually assaulted. She doesn't know that about me btw and I've never told one soul that till now.. Keyword almost, I was 6 and the boy was 14 and the Godson of my mom. Luckily his mom came home in time, anyway. I think about her nonstop and I know that's not a good thing. I feel like there's not a thing that I wouldn't do for her and I know that's not good either.. I'm sure we'll never be together as I would love so to be.. She just recently is going through a divorce and is already dating other men. I feel pained because of that, but I can't stop my feelings for her. I'm a 33 year old introvert, and I have always lived my life very differently than what's common I guess. I don't know if I'll ever have feelings for anyone else in comparison to how I feel about this woman now. I wish life was like the movies. I wish love worked like that. And again Tiny dance, I may not know what love is but I do know this is not just lust. I may be the biggest or hopeless romantic kind of guy.. I know this is going to make me sound more over the top insane but to me, if love isn't like it is in the movies, then it's just simply not for me..

In response to Clio I am in therapy, I see an LC. She has broadened my perspective and gives me tools and exercises and what not. I was hesitant to share with her my relationship with the dancer and well she's working with me on finding other hobbies and things that make me feel good. I guess you can say I'm not a very happy person.

Thank all of you for taking the time to read and respond to my story. I really whole heartedly appreciate it