Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Is there any chance of saving this friendship

  1. #1
    Member ShannonM10's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    43
    Gender
    Female

    Is there any chance of saving this friendship

    This may be long winded and I apologize in advance....I am so confused and feel sick about this whole situation..no idea what to do. I have never ever...in my life...had a deep attraction to a woman. I have only ever been with men. A couple of years ago I met a girl through work a few years younger then me. I was going through a devastating breakup at the time and was basically emotionally dead inside. We quickly struck up a friendship, and she was just in the midst of breaking up with her bf of 4 years...who she cheated on (he never found out). I didnt approve obviously as I was the victim of infidelity in my last relationship and I still struggle with how things ended. Anyways, i felt this attraction to her, shes a beautiful girl! And I felt a chemistry I cant explain....there was this underlying vibe I was getting from her.

    Alot of my friends commented on how they think she has feelings for me...because of how she behaved in front of me and stared at me. Im not going to lie, it was exciting to play with this, it was fun and new and it made me feel good. I have a problem with liking the thrill of the chase and it was fun to see if she actually did feel this way or it was all in my head. Probably a yr into our friendship she finally admitted she was bisexual to me, which I kind of already knew. Nothing had ever happened between us, she continued to hook up with men as did I, but there was feelings of jealousy on both ends (which I absolutely hated, I did NOT want to feel that way because I just wanted to feel happy for her and i really withdrew in order to squash them, which she noticed). Well a couple of weeks ago we went to my xmas party, she had been dating someone casually from my company but had quit and worked somewhere else, so it wasnt a conflict of interest. I pushed for her to spend time with him all night as I was trying to be supportive. Now a couple weeks prior we kissed very drunk, which i initiated and it scared the out of me, she shut it down saying she would "want more" if we continued and that I would probably regret this if we continued. Which, in the morning I did, i was freaked right out but we managed to have an adult convo about it and it was all good.



    Back to the xmas party, we leave, she basically complains about this guy shes been casually seeing, and I admitted very drunkenly in the cab that I have been jealous and I don't want to be, and that I have realized that these feelings of jealousy stem from a place of deeper feelings for her that I have been struggling to admit to myself. She grabs my hand and kisses it, we end up in her bed and make out for a long time, she continually checks in asking if I am ok with this etc etc. We stop and eventually when we wake up in the morning shes talking full on that she will tell her parents after xmas etc etc. Which scares me as that's WAY too fast and I didn't even know what that meant. Fast forward to a week later and she has been kind of distant, I attributed it to her being confused as well, even thought shes bi shes never fully explored that before with a woman. She asks to come over to drop off my xmas gift and I decided we should be adults and discuss this, SOBER. I bring it up, she doesn't wanna talk really about it at all, just says shes super confused, as am i, doesn't know what she wants (either do i) and hasn't really sat down to think about it. She states she has not told anyone about it yet but it felt good and she enjoyed what happened, and ultimately knew it was eventually going to happen.



    She states she Is still in love with the guy she cheated on her ex with basically, doesn't wanna hurt me because shes seen what i went through, basically totally flips from the heavy stuff she was saying the day before. I think to myself ok....shes NOT a safe partner for me at all...shes all over the map and shes basically telling me WHO she is, and I should believe her. So I decide that I am going to pursue the guy I have been out with a few times as clearly she is doing the same. I state to her that we need to make a decision to either "put this behind us for good or if we want to actually explore this, but we dont need to make this huge decision tonight". She agrees. We go out the next night, i tell her im bringing a guy ive been casually hanging out with and she gets jealous. We end up crashing at her place and things happen again, and she states it really bothered her when i said i was bringing someone else. I tell her thats not fair as I am a loyal person and i dont even know what shes feeling because when i DID try to bring it up she just sat there. She goes on to say that of course she has feelings for me, but again doesnt want to hurt me, also still has feelings for this guy she cheated with and is going to see in a few months blah blah blah. Starts crying when I say I am going to be exploring other options as I am not going to commit to someone that cant be faithful. Just A MESS!



    IF you have stuck around this long I am so grateful. I have seen her once since this incident and it was ok, she hasnt been texting me as much and I am worried there is no coming back from this. It basically sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too which is unfair because we are both confused. I dont want to lose this friendship but her lack of communication is driving me crazy and I feel awful. I miss her, and now that we have crossed that line I miss the affection...i have no idea where I stand and it hurts. We have a trip booked with some friends at the end of the month but the first night it will be us alone together, I am so worried she will not wanna be there, or itll be awkward as hell....and a part of me wants something to happen but also doesnt, because I have missed that level of affection from ANYONE for so long, it was amazing to feel it again. I have had so much anxiety about it all and in a way have started to realise it's not worth it. I have feelings for her and the guy i have been spending some time with, but now I'm worried I have completely destroyed this friendship...she's terrible at communicating it seems and I want things to just go back to normal.

    Is there any coming back from this? has anyone been in a similar situation? any help would be appreciated

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,717
    Gender
    Female
    Imo, you have too many issues of your own that you need to address before getting involved with anyone. Seeking therapy might help you untangle whatever is going on within your head. Whatever you have with this girl is NOT a real friendship though and it never was to begin with. You cannot be real friends with someone who you want to be intimate with. Imo, thinking that you could ever be real friends with her is delusional on your part and at this point you are making informed choices. You are knowingly enabling a cheater. Getting involved in her mess is NOT going to end in "living happily ever after" land.

    In addition, you are leading your guy on and are starting to develop cheater's behaviours yourself. Think long and hard whether you want to be the person she is turning you into... Imo, this "friendship" is toxic and you need to end it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,058
    Gender
    Male
    Don't let her problems become your problems. Deal with whatever heartaches and hardships you have with a professional, not a damaged confused individual like this. She sounds a bit predatory. Distance yourself as much as possible from people like this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    23,190
    What a big mess.

    She told you she is in love with someone else. As soon as this guy comes back, she will disappear. She wasn't jealous because she wants to be with you, but because she does not want anyone else to be with you. This is selfish and ego.

    Get away from this woman. No friendship, no nothing. She is a mindf*ck!

    Get some therapy for your own issues.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    23,190
    Is the ex you are speaking of the one you broke up with 5 years ago? If it is, I strongly recommend you seek more therapy.

  7. #6
    Member ShannonM10's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    43
    Gender
    Female
    I'm not sure what ex to you are referring to from 5 yrs ago, if you are asking if she is the ex? No...it was a long term boyfriend and i have now moved past that. In terms of therapy, i have done alot of therapy, for the past 4.5 yrs since my last relationship ended.

    I have decided to remove myself from this situation and I know I have struggled with issues in terms of boundaries and people that are safe for me etc. I am in no way exclusive with the man I am talking about in my prior post. We had hung out a handful of times. I am not "cheating", I know full well he is seeing other women and we have not had an exclusive talk, nor am I sleeping with him to clarify. Did i enable her to cheat on the coworker she was casually hanging out with? I guess i did, and that's on me for being a part of that, according to her they were also not exclusive, and he was aware of that. I appreciate the insight and support, there is alot more to me and my life then this snippet i have placed on here. I asked for advice to see if this was something that could be dealt with in a way to save what i believed to be a friendship. But i fear it is what you say it is and is very unhealthy.

    Everyone has there own issues and struggles. I didn't expect to be lambasted with "go to therapy you are messed up", but I get the sentiment. If all else this has helped me realise even more how ridiculous this situation is and how much of a mess it is. I just wanted to clarify that I played a role obviously in putting myself here, but I have done alot of work for the past 4.5 years through therapy and cognitive behavioural work to get past my painful ending of a prior relationship. I have done alot of work and continue to try to better myself all the time, I see a therapist regularly and she is aware of what i am struggling with and trying to fix. I appreciate all do your insight and thank you for the advice.


Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •