Fiance confessed to something

Hi everyone, I am a 29 year old female dating a man the same age. We have been together for a little over two years and just got engaged over the summer. Our relationship for the most part has been great and we have never really argued about anything major besides this issue.

What happened was that on NYE, we had been out having drinks and all the sudden he confesses to me that he has hooked up with a girl from our main friend group and has been feeling extremely guilty that he has been keeping this from me. He felt really bad and ashamed that he made such a bigger deal of it by keeping it for over two years instead of just telling me in the beginning of our relationship. I actually believe that a partner does not have to necessarily disclose his entire sexual past, but what concerns me is the fact that he felt so guilty but kept it to himself for so long. That tells me that he had a guilty conscience that he buried for a very long time.

It’s started making me wonder what else is he hiding? What else could he keep to himself for so long now or in the future? I asked him if he had anything else to confess and he said no. A few days later (today), he asks to talk to me and says that he also felt he needed to confess that he has slept with one of his sister’s friends (we see her occasionally). He says that it didn't cross his mind when I first asked him if there was anything else he wanted to tell me, but that he felt he should this morning. Another point that concerns me is that he said that he feels horrible that he ruined a friendship with the first girl he confessed about, but they continued hooking up for two weeks. If he was so concerned, why did he continue? It makes me feel like he can’t control himself when it comes to sex. I never thought I would ever have to worry about him cheating, but I feel paranoid and that he broke my trust. He also only confessed because he was super drunk. Was he ever going to say anything?

I guess I am wondering what you guys think about this situation. Do I have reason to be worried or am I overreacting? Do you guys expect your partner to disclose his/her sexual past with someone you interact with regularly in the friend group? Thanks everyone.

Did he have sex with the first girl while you were dating him? If not, then I dont see a problem there. If he was dating you then, well, yes, you have a problem. What about the sister's friend? Were you in the picture then?

I would not expect my husband to tell me about girls from his past if he wasnt with me at the time. I have a past too, he's never asked and I've never offered any info.

As was already asked - were the two of you together when these hookups occurred? If no, I think it comes down to personal boundaries. For instance, I would feel upset if a partner had me around a third party whom they slept with and I was not privy to that information. Only because I would feel as though they were in on some secret between the two of them that I wasn't aware of. The hypothetical situation of being in a scenario with me, my partner, and a man who had known her in that way makes me very uncomfortable had it been kept from me, I would like to have been given the heads up. Could that be why your partner felt guilty? Others may not see any issue with this scenario.

It's personal preference.

For some, they don't care about the past and wouldn't expect to be told, for others, keeping this information hidden would seem devious and dishonest.

It really does depend on how you view it and what you accept and don't accept.

I think where the problem comes in, is that he sees these women still and decided to not tell you. It's somewhat worrying that he still engages with them as well.

It's also bothersome that he will only tell you truths if he's really intoxicated.

That would mean he really is hiding more truths or that he doesn't trust you enough or feel close enough to you to have told you from the start.

And yeah, if he has such a guilty conscience, then why continue having sex with someone when you know the situation is not good?

If these were dalliances that predated your relationship, then no don't worry.

Anyway, would you prefer not to know at all about these women in your social group (or one of them at least)? If so tell him not to worry about any others.

Sorry to hear this. Why did he tell you this? Are you wondering why he is sabotaging things? Unfortunately it sounds like he's trying to get out of the engagement by suddenly confessing all this or is warning you that he has no intention of being faithful. It sounds like the cowards way out hoping with all this bad news that you pull the plug. When the first confession didn't get you to end things he decided another might help you break up.

He wants you to end things, so why not cut your losses? The timing of these confessions is interesting. Do you think he's been reading up on or asking friends how to get you to break up with him? Perhaps they told him to confess to all sorts of sexual escapades? And that this technique would get you running away and he won't have to marry you?

he has hooked up with a girl from our main friend group and has been feeling extremely guilty that he has been keeping this from me. he asks to talk to me and says that he also felt he needed to confess that he has slept with one of his sister’s friends. It makes me feel like he can’t control himself when it comes to sex.

This is typical......many people love to confess their sins to an SO. I have no doubt he's being too open and telling you everything.

I know he slept with the New Years girl when he was with you, but did he also sleep with his sister's friend?

If so, he's just a cheater. I don't know how you can live with that, unless he promises to stop, and never cheats again. If he does promise.......some relationships can survive cheating, some can't........you'll just have to see. Even if you can survive it, you'll be mad for at least a year or more.

It could be that he now sees the seriousness of the matter. Maybe he doesn't want to take the major step of marriage with the threat of the secret coming to light later, and then have you divorce him. How old are you two? How often does he get drunk? I wouldn't be planning a wedding ceremony until you feel 100 percent confidence in the union.

Our relationship for the most part has been great and we have never really argued about anything major besides this issue.

...

It’s started making me wonder what else is he hiding? What else could he keep to himself for so long now or in the future?

And this is the underlying problem of your relationship: lack of communication and how to tactfully handle arguments. Just because you guys never really argue doesn’t make it a perfect relationship. In fact it should be a red flag. Just wait until you have children (or are going to have a baby), need to manage boundaries/plans with in-laws, or making a big decision on a joint purchase (house, finding daycare/schooling for your kids, replacing a car, replacement of home appliance, etc). There will be many arguments ahead. You both may hold similar values, but each of you will always be different people; and one of you may change as life goes on, for better or for worse.

Honestly, do not get married yet until you have sorted out your communication skills with each other. 2 years is too short on deciding to spend the rest of your life with a person. It hasn’t grown yet. You’re still getting to know him and still haven’t made improvements on your communication as a couple - your posts points this out frequently. Relationships are work; the healthiest relationships have couples who are experienced with handle disagreements.

He really didn’t need to talk about women he’s been with before his relationship with you, but him coming out with them is just the tip of the iceberg. You’re not just wondering if he’s got anymore secrets... you’re wondering WHY he’s hiding them. If you all had clear communication and can handle arguments, this wouldn’t be an issue.

I think he just wanted to clear his conscious before making this big step with you. You don't have anything to worry about. It just goes to show you how much he values your relationship, and how serious he is about marrying you.