Hurt by my ex but hes refusing answers and closure.

Me and my ex separated 9 months ago after a 9 year relationship.

When I met him he liked a drink,he had no children no responsibilities.i had 2 children.

The first year was good.He told me how much he liked me,promised to never hurt me. He had a female friend who he was very close too.They always had arms around eachother,kissing,cuddling.i thought it was a bit much but never said anything.who was I to come between friends of that's the way they've always been.

A year into the relationship we went away for a weekend where after drinking he told me he was in love with this friend.i told him it was over I couldnt live like that.The next morning he apologised and said he didnt mean it I forgave him.

Things went from bad to worse. He became very abusive,constantly called me names coming home drunk (normally the c word) I used to take my 2 children if they were home upstairs and watch a film with them in a closed bedroom to drown out the drunken abuse.The touching,cuddling and kissing his friend became more frequent.He would tell her he loved her infront of me then look at me with a glare in his eyes.she would look at me with a grin on her face.She knew what was going on because I told her and said it was causing problems in our relationship,she let it continue. He would say things like if you and this friend was infront of a train he would have to save her and watch me die.He hit me infront of her and his friends because I spoke to a friend of his that he didnt trust.i was in a room full of people.only 1 person out of about 8 said anything.He put a pillow over my head and sat on it,let his friend film it then played it back after laughing as I was struggling to breathe.ive had holes punched in my doors all because his words "you're not her" all these things happened and each time there was a sorry with tears and i tried to forgive him.

I fell pregnant almost 3 years into the relationship.He pinned me against a wall the day of my scan to say he didnt want me and his baby he wanted her and her twin boys. For the whole of the pregnancy i had him putting me down,making me feel worthless,telling me he didnt want me and the baby all he wanted was her.he disappeared most of it for days at a time drinking,wouldnt tell me where he was or who with.i prepared for our baby alone. When the baby came I invited her to see the baby to try and mend the problem.she camecand ignored me in my own home asthough i qasnt there.she made it very uncomfortable. He blamed me for this,said it was my fault she felt uncomfortable.she then called to tell my partner that he was invited to her sons 18th birthday party but i couldnt go. I tried to make him see that she was being awkward.out of respect and loyalty to me and his son he shouldnt go. The day came and he got ready to go he pointed ted at our son and said "I dont want that baby all I want is her and her boys" Again tears an apologies came and I tried to forgive him and move on.He decided to prove he wanted me he would stop seeing her. He did but then punished me for it. He would get drunk and call me names,put me down and bring her up.we just went round and round in circles.

He also had an ex girlfriend from 20 years ago (we are 40) He text her and told her I wasnt her bit I'd do.told me she was hot and I was ugly and fat (5ft 6 10st and have 4 kids.im not fat but may have a little meat) He told me himself about these messages.if he hadn't of told me I would never have known.He also tagged her in posts on fb "to the one that got away" didnt understand or maybe just didnt care how humiliated that made me feel when everyone knew he was in a relationship with me.

He also cheated on me.Typing this I feel like such a fool.

Theres been a lot of abusive,emotional and physical abuse happen

I'm not perfect,noone is but I can honestly say I never deserved that treatment.i stayed faithful,never hurt him never put him down.a lot of it would happen mainly while he was drinking.i dont take drink as an excuse as I believe you still know what you are saying and doing at the time.

I also helped him change his drinking habits.He started to drink a lot less once I showed him children are our priority not ourselves.

His 40th birthday came and this friend who he hadn't seen for a few years just turned up out of the blue.i wasnt there when she did but he told me what happened and said he told her to leave.i said I was disgusted she done that,it was to cause trouble.she could have called or text to ask if it was ok,not just turn up. I said shes gone let's just get in with the night it's your birthday. Well he say crying to his mum and dad all night over her not being in his life. It was from that moment it hit me that he was still in love with her,he denies it but his actions proved it.from that point he knew he was going to leave me to get her back in his life.

Since separating I've repeatedly asked him why he treated me the way he did,he wont answer the question. He has told me he resented me for ruining his life.which I think he meant that party life as when he left he got back into the habit of drinking all the time.he also told me he hated me but wont tell me why.Yes I'm happy hes gone,i feel a sense of relief that I'm not sitting with someone who sees me as fat ugly or worthless but all the abuse,verbal,physical,emotional I feel like I'm going crazy.

I have not used our children against him.we have set days that he sticks to.he has let them down 4 times so far through alcohol and tried to blame me for it.he knows because of his anger he doesnt have our kids drunk or even hungover.my kids deserve better than to visit their dad who's a hungover mess.

Our new dilemma now is he wants us to be friends.i told him if theres any chance he has this friend back in his life I mentally cannot do it.i cant sit with a cuppa and chat to him knowing the person he told me he wanted more than me and his son is back in his life. Am I wrong or over reacting ?? Why would he treat me this way ?? How can I get closure ?? Will I ever get closure ?? I've spent 9 years being belittled,humiliated,disrespected,made to feel worthless,degraded. Was I ever wrong for expecting him to have nothing to do with this friend that he constantly paraded in my face,showering her with love and affection while telling me I was unattractive and making me feel worthless and unwanted ?? I just cant get my head around it all and feel as though I'm going crazy.

Make sure you protect yourself and your children. Petition for supervised visitation only since he is an alcoholic. Turn to friends, family, work, interests clubs, groups classes and courses for support. Read up on the cycles of abusive relationships and the impact of alcoholism on children.

It's not about you. Abusers abuse and alcoholics drink. You can't fix or change that. Protecting your children, however, is in your power and that should be your focus. Protecting your children not fixing an abusive drunk.

Get to some support groups for abused women and to AlAnon to learn about the nightmare of having an alcoholic in your life.

Your ex showed you that he is an ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC, yet you chose to stay with him for eight more years instead of taking your children away from such a toxic environment. Why? Why are you doing this to yourself and to your poor poor children?? You are not a victim. You could have left the minute he showed you his true face yet you made the informed choice to stay on for eight more years.

Closure comes only from within. He cannot give you closure. You can get closure by accepting that this man is never going to change and become who you want him to be. He is an abusive jerk and therefore, he is never going to do the things you want. You need to let go of hope that he is going to change and stop trying to be friends.

No one can make you inferior without your consent. You need to seek professional counseling to help you heal your self-esteem.

I know exactly what you're saying and you're right,I was an idiot to stay when I should have ended it. I feel guilt over the fact that my 2 eldest had to see him behave certain ways when drunk. To be honest most of the time they wasnt home they would be at their dads house for the weekend and on the weekends they were home he would disappear all weekend and I wouldnt know where he was.

Now hes gone I sit back and realise what a fool i was but he had ways of making me feel guilty like i had done something wrong or i had exaggerated or overreacted. He say crying to me telling me how sorry he was,how he didnt mean it and how it would never happen again.we would be ok for a while then it would start again.

I know I am not a victim I hate myself for letting this continue.i dont know if it was because he made me feel so worthless and question myself that I let it continue just hoping that each sorry really meant it.

I do not want him in my life. Never seeing him again would more than please me but I now have 2 children to think about.At the moment I we have set days for him to see his children.He doesnt come in my home.he picks them up and drops them off,that is it. Hes been warned if the drinking or hangovers happen with the kids he will be looking at court and supervised visits. I may have been with a drinker but I'm not one myself. I have already looked into councelling as I feel myself it is needed.i was just hoping to post on here in the meantime and ask for other people opinions.theres still a part of me that doesnt know if i was wrong,if I was overreacting,am I wrong to not want a civil relationship in any way even if it is for the sake of our children ? Thank you for your reply.

I'm not interested in fixing him.Now hes gone I see what a vile human being he is.Theres seems to be no guilt for what he has done.

I will be taking up councelling to help me through the last 9 years.i feel a fool to have let this happen.i suppose a lot of my anger is towards myself and the fact i never ended the relationship.He had ways of making me feel like I was over reacting or exaggerating.all the sorrys and begging to stay and he wouldnt do it again and I stupidly wanted to believe him.we would be fine for a while and it would all happen again.

I feel guilt towards my children. He knows how strongly I feel about alcohol around the kids. Weve spent many years arguing over not drinking around the kids.now we are separated he knows the rule, drink around the kids or be hungover they wont see him.ive got stronger with my opinion on alcohol around the children after the first couple of years of him drinking.in some ways I was there to control his drinking habits but now hes gone I'm not the to control that. I've told him he has a problem I've also told his mum and dad he needs help and if he continues to drink he wont see his children unless its supervised visits.

I'm am happier hes gone but clearly my head is still scrambled.i would never have him back in my life. I'm going to seek councelling to sort myself esteem out but in the meantime wanted to post here for others opinions.i didnt know if I was wrong for wanting nothing to do with him as we have children together or if I should have a "friendship" for the sake of our kids. At the moment I have him pick up and drop the kids off at the door. that's the way it will stay. Thank you for your reply

Please get your children into counseling immediately to help them through the horrible abuse they were subjected to.

Yes, they were.

Forcing them to live in that environment caused untold damage to them. Your daughters may seek abusive men and your sons may become abusers because they saw how much you liked it (because you stayed, you must have liked it, right? Logical conclusion).

Please get them into intensive counseling right away.

Your ex is a disgraceful human being. It made me so angry i couldn't make it all the way through. Make sure you and your family get seen by professionals to help you through this horrible experience.

The kids arent his are they?

Your ex is a disgraceful human being. It made me so angry i couldn't make it all the way through. Make sure you and your family get seen by professionals to help you through this horrible experience.

 

 

The kids arent his are they?

Unfortunately the youngest one is according to her OP.

That's a damn shame. Read about the 2 before you met him. Well make sure you let the police know and social services etc. The guy is nuts.

Your ex is a disgraceful human being. It made me so angry i couldn't make it all the way through. Make sure you and your family get seen by professionals to help you through this horrible experience.

 

 

The kids arent his are they?

Yes the younger 2. 6 and 2 years old. The first couple of years was the worst with his drinking.once I fell pregnant with his first (now 6) I tried to put a stop to his drinking and wouldnt allow it in the house. That's when he decided to disappear for days at a time and come home after his binge. Any situation that came up family or friends parties,weddings,christmas etc I would not attend and stayed home with the children.hes always spent xmas day evening drinking with his dad so hes never had a full xmas day with the kids. The worst of it was the first 2 and a half years.my elder 2 spent every other weekend at their dads. Weekends they were home he would usually stay away but there were occasions he would come back shouting abuse at me that's when me and the older 2 would sit upstairs to stay out of his way and watch a film.i know I shouldnt of had to do that and looking back I should if had the police remove him.i feel guilt every day knowing my older 2 saw that. His drinking did calm down a lot after his first was born,as I said that's when I turned strict on the drinking but it didnt stop the hatred he had for me.didnt stop the occasions where we spent a night away together for the verbal abuse to start.we travel somewhere by train and hed just disappear half way through the night out of the blue leaving me to make my own way home. I used to say to him imagine if I was raped,murdered,attacked,how would that be for our kids. I've had 9 months to sit back and look at things and its opened my eyes to what I allowed to happen in my home,my kids home and I'm ashamed of myself.it doesnt stop the hurt and confusion of why he would treat me that way though. I will be seeking councelling for myself and reading peoples comments have made me realise my kids need it too.they may not of been around all the abuse while he was drinking but the little bits they have seen are damaging enough. Thank you for your reply

Hi Jane,

I'll answer your question: why does he refuse closure?

Well, you know he is an abuser which has absolutely nothing to do with you. He's just a person who chooses to deal with his demons by abusing people. A normal person deal with its anger, fear,etc with a therapist or with physical activity or advancing in their career...He chose to stay in a codependent relationship with a woman (you) and blamed her for everything that was wrong in is life because he didn't have the gut to man up and fix his drinking problem, or be a decent dad and partner or be with the woman he claims to love. That's who he is and understanding that will NOT change him. You have witnessed over and over that this man is a coward and a very dangerous person.

He will never give you closure because he would have to admit that he's a toxic person and apologize to you. Why would he do that? to set you free from him? so you can move on and be finally happy with someone who will treat you with respect? Better to have you crippled by your inferiority complex and endorsing responsibility for his actions.

The only real closure you can have is by accepting that he is toxic and won't change. You have to stop hoping.

Another thing even more important: You have to understand why YOU allowed someone to treat you that way for nine years. Why you kept looking for answers from Him for nine years. You knew all along that you were right. You were right to leave him when he confessed his love for another women. You were right to think he was an abuser and You are right not to want to have anything to do with him. You Know deep inside all the right answers Yet you are asking us to validate your gut feeling. You really have to start believe in yourself and act on it; even if everybody tell you wrong. The reason you stayed in that toxic relationship is because you don't have enough self love to survive on your own.

You forgave him over and over all these years because you were weak and toxic to yourself and your children. I know it's harsh to read and believe me, my goal is not to put you down but to empower you. You didn't have self love which is like self hate. It allowed you to you stay in horrible situations because deep inside you think you are unworthy of love, that maybe you deserve the abuse. When we don't believe in ourselves we look for people to give us the love we lack. As you experienced, it's a recipe for disaster. You would forgive him every time because you desperately needed the glimpse of love he was providing you with his promises. It was easier for you to hope he would change and feed your self from his love for you as insufficient as it was. You were as weak as he was.

Now you're lucky to be free and start from fresh. You don't need him to give you anything (closure, apologies etc). You need to understand your pattern and learn to love and trust your self. Do not feel guilty for your past mistakes. Instead, forgive yourself and engage in activities that will make you feel strong (could be physical activity) and happy (what is your passion? something you always wanted to learn?). Make sure your children are safe and yes you are right to limit your contact with their father.

learning to love oneself and create healthy boundaries takes time but you will be rewarded by peace of mind and only by achieving it will you attract a healthy person who will love and cherish you.

You are worthy...

Please also get ALL your children counselling for in watching you be abused they were also abused.

Our new dilemma now is he wants us to be friends.i told him if theres any chance he has this friend back in his life I mentally cannot do it.i cant sit with a cuppa and chat to him knowing the person he told me he wanted more than me and his son is back in his life. Am I wrong or over reacting ?? Why would he treat me this way ?? How can I get closure ?? Will I ever get closure ?? I've spent 9 years being belittled,humiliated,disrespected,made to feel worthless,degraded. Was I ever wrong for expecting him to have nothing to do with this friend that he constantly paraded in my face,showering her with love and affection while telling me I was unattractive and making me feel worthless and unwanted ?? I just cant get my head around it all and feel as though I'm going crazy.

So you don't be "friends" but that means you simply are not enemies -- you communicate him only when you are absolutely required for matters of the children. What closure are you looking for? He is a drunk. You are done with that. You left him (unless he left you - the wall of text is hard to read). What other closure do you need? You need to protect your kids and move forward for them. you need to stop asking him for closure like he has to grant you something to go on with your life.

You can't call the shots on visitation custody, he'll just lie and drink as before. What you can do is petition for full custody and only supervised visitation. Stop arguing over his boozing. It still is and always was a losing battle. Start protecting your kids.

I feel guilt towards my children. He knows how strongly I feel about alcohol around the kids. Weve spent many years arguing over not drinking around the kids.now we are separated he knows the rule, drink around the kids or be hungover they wont see him.

So you exposed 2 children to abuse and then brought two more into the world with full knowledge of the damage he was doing and your concern is you and closure...

You can’t be serious...

So you exposed 2 children to abuse and then brought two more into the world with full knowledge of the damage he was doing and your concern is you and closure...

 

You can’t be serious...

No that's not my main concern but after 9 years of a nasty vile relationship I would like to know why he chose to treat me that way ? Why he would tell me he loved me yet still treat me the way he did ? Why would he leave choosing another woman and her children over his new born baby son ?

To start with i didnt realise this was abuse. He was clearly very manipulative,had ways of making me think I was wrong or over exaggerating or over reacting. All I knew is I didnt like what he was doing or saying.Again he made me think it was my problem and it wasnt as bad as I thought to the point where i questioned myself. Then when the tears,sorrys and love youd came I felt like maybe I had overreacted and hoped that he wouldnt repeat the problem.which obviously did happen. It became a cycle. I am not making excuses for my choices in giving him chance after chance.as I said my children where rearly around at the worst times as it usually happened on the weekend they were with their dad.yes there was tomes he would show up and cause a scene and I can tell you now I feel ashamed of not realising what was happening and ashamed that I didnt end the relationship. Yes 2 more children came into the world but no matter what mistakes I made I love my children with all my heart and I'm glad I have them. It was when I fell pregnant with the last that it actually sunk in and I realised this is abuse I've been a fool,this is not love. If he hadn't of got in there first and ended the relationship I would have.

My main concern is my children and their happiness. There is no way in this world I would ever put them through anything like this again. Like I said nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes,this is the biggest I've made by far.

I've also come to realise after reading another post I have no chance in getting answers as to why. Councelling is the way forward for me and my kids

"Why"?

Because you let him, that's why.

Many people will only do what we allow them to get away with. He did awful things, yet you stayed and stayed. I bet you even told him you love him!

That's why.

I can see after maybe a year or two. But NINE years? And never during this time did it occur to you that this was a toxic, abusive relationship? Or did you want him so badly you just didn't care how he treated you?

I hope you booked family counseling for next week. And I recommend you also do individual counseling for each of your children. They're afraid, and rightfully so. How do they know Mom won't go back for more mistreatment? You always have, so they probably don't trust you to stay away from this man you're obviously addicted to and obsessed with. Otherwise you wouldn't care about "closure" (which is a myth, BTW).

Tell that horrible man you will only accept communication from him regarding the children. And ask your attorney to grant you full physical and legal custody, and only allow him limited visitation due to his excessive use of alcohol.

There is no logic to abuse. However there are many article you can read up on to understand yourself better. In fact google 'cycle of violence' and 'abusive relationships'. The more you understand about it the less you'll try to apply logic to it. It's not about you.

N

To start with i didnt realise this was abuse. It became a cycle. It was when I fell pregnant with the last that it actually sunk in and I realised this is abuse I've been a fool,this is not love. Councelling is the way forward for me and my kids

Cannelle

Thank you so much for your reply. You have given me a lot to think about and I realise I wont get answers.its been 9 months,if he was going to give them to me he would have by now. I think he does like to have some kind of a hold over me and i need to cut contact with him unless its necessary (children)

Yes I feel guilty that I did allow this to happen.im not a very confident person and I do have low self esteem,I'm not using this as an excuse in anyway but maybe that is what he saw in me and maybe that's why I let him treat me that way. I also realise as much as I thought my children were away from it all when it was happening there was clearly still things going on that they did see or pick up on.

The way forward for me and my children is councelling.

Ive also thought about mediation to put rules in place where the children ate concerned.

Thanks again.

Yes ,there’s no logic or reason to abuse. You are going to get zero answers from him and he likely doesn’t even know any answers. My mother spent 30 years on and off trying to understand my father’s abuse and his mental illness. Got her nowhere but children with mental health issues due to them being abused and watching her be abused. It got her son into an abusive marriage for 20 years. (thank God my brother is out of that now) Me, I have PTSD for the rest of my life. Not just from my mother being abused or my father but his crazy sick brother.

Where is my mom now? Remarried now for 25 years but dying from diseases she never would have had if she left.

There. is. NO LOGIC. Forget his azz.

I'm not entirely non-compassionate. I too stayed in a relationship with an awful man. I did not have children with him (thankfully) and I never exposed my children to him. I spent time with him ONLY when my kids were with their dad. I only moved in with him after my children moved away for college and he never spent even one evening in our home when the kids were with me. You'd think with all those provisos in place I would realize "hey, this relationship is so toxic I won't allow my kids around this guy. Maybe I shouldn't be around him either!!!" But I wanted him more than I wanted to be treated well.

I endured 4 years with that awful man. And HE ended up dumping ME for one of the women he'd been cheating on me with. And I was damaged enough and low enough to hope for reconciliation...at least at first. I moved several hundred miles away because I would NOT end my obsession with him. The only way to end it was to make it impossible to see him.

Now? I wouldn't take him back on a silver platter. He's awful. And I am so happy he's out of my life.

You'll get there too, but you need to get past thinking you must know why he mistreated you. He did because he wanted to and because you let him. That's all you need to know.

Counseling will help you understand why you thought you deserved to be mistreated and why that mistreatment inspired love in you. And counseling for your children too. That's a must.

I'm not entirely non-compassionate. I too stayed in a relationship with an awful man. I did not have children with him (thankfully) and I never exposed my children to him. I spent time with him ONLY when my kids were with their dad. I only moved in with him after my children moved away for college and he never spent even one evening in our home when the kids were with me. You'd think with all those provisos in place I would realize "hey, this relationship is so toxic I won't allow my kids around this guy. Maybe I shouldn't be around him either!!!" But I wanted him more than I wanted to be treated well.

 

I endured 4 years with that awful man. And HE ended up dumping ME for one of the women he'd been cheating on me with. And I was damaged enough and low enough to hope for reconciliation...at least at first. I moved several hundred miles away because I would NOT end my obsession with him. The only way to end it was to make it impossible to see him.

 

Now? I wouldn't take him back on a silver platter. He's awful. And I am so happy he's out of my life.

 

You'll get there too, but you need to get past thinking you must know why he mistreated you. He did because he wanted to and because you let him. That's all you need to know.

 

Counseling will help you understand why you thought you deserved to be mistreated and why that mistreatment inspired love in you. And counseling for your children too. That's a must.

Thank you bolt run

Sorry to hear you was in an abusive relationship too.i understand that feeling of obsession. He made the first year together so perfect with the perfect dates,flowers,all the talk about how much he liked me and knew we were perfect together,even spoke about things we could do together in the future.i think i held onto that feeling when things started to go wrong and just wanted that person back.

As I said before my kids werent around for most of it. They were at their dads. Obviously there were times he would drink with my kids at home but he would be funny (to them) they thought he was hilarious and I think that also made it hard. They never saw any physical abuse but at times (not very often) witnessed him shouting and calling me names.he would sometimes try and make out it was a joke but it wasnt and they knew that too as much as I want to think they didnt.

He left me as I couldnt trust him. The way he made me feel over this other woman in particular just eventually sucked everything from me. And I've come to find out he wants this woman back in his life (he did stop contact with her for 6 years but punished me for it)

A couple of months ago he did ask me for another chance and I said NO. since he left 9 months ago I have done nothing but search abusive relationships. Why do people behave that way ? Why do people accept being treated this way ? And I've read other peoples stories and it's silly because i read it and think "why would you put up with that" then i realise i did and I know it was because I allowed him too but I do know for sure he wont be doing it again. No way on earth would I take him back and allow him to treat me that way ever again.

My main concern now is my children,their happiness and what's best for them. I've made a huge 9 year mistake and I will never make that mistake again.

Thanks for your reply.

My ex wasn't abusive, just to be clear. He lied, cheated, hid things from me. He did drugs. He always made sure I felt insecure about him, implying that he might have to look elsewhere because I just wasn't quite doing it for him. But he didn't abuse me or shout or call me names.

However, the things he did were bad enough.

Interestingly, I never pondered or ruminated about "why". I was aware enough that he did them because liked to and because he wanted to and I was free to walk away. But I HAD to get him to love me. THAT should have been the "why" I explored.

And that should be YOUR "why". Not "why did he abuse me?" but "why did I think I loved a man who abused me?"

Thank you bolt run

Sorry to hear you was in an abusive relationship too.i understand that feeling of obsession. He made the first year together so perfect with the perfect dates,flowers,all the talk about how much he liked me and knew we were perfect together,even spoke about things we could do together in the future.i think i held onto that feeling when things started to go wrong and just wanted that person back.

As I said before my kids werent around for most of it. They were at their dads. Obviously there were times he would drink with my kids at home but he would be funny (to them) they thought he was hilarious and I think that also made it hard. They never saw any physical abuse but at times (not very often) witnessed him shouting and calling me names.he would sometimes try and make out it was a joke but it wasnt and they knew that too as much as I want to think they didnt.

He left me as I couldnt trust him. The way he made me feel over this other woman in particular just eventually sucked everything from me. And I've come to find out he wants this woman back in his life (he did stop contact with her for 6 years but punished me for it)

A couple of months ago he did ask me for another chance and I said NO. since he left 9 months ago I have done nothing but search abusive relationships. Why do people behave that way ? Why do people accept being treated this way ? And I've read other peoples stories and it's silly because i read it and think "why would you put up with that" then i realise i did and I know it was because I allowed him too but I do know for sure he wont be doing it again. No way on earth would I take him back and allow him to treat me that way ever again.

My main concern now is my children,their happiness and what's best for them. I've made a huge 9 year mistake and I will never make that mistake again.

Thanks for your reply.

you can't change him - only pick up the pieces and do whatever you can to ensure that your kids do not grow up to be alcoholics and abusers themselves or accepting of abuse. They may have little choice in the latter - alcoholism can be genetic - but stop asking this man questions. People who abuse don't realize they are doing so, honestly.

I disagree. I believe abusers like to abuse. They enjoy seeing the tears, the cowering and the begging. That's why they do it.

Of course, they're also cowards.