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Kept in the dark


Fx Penguin

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So I'm a 26 year old female living with my parents and my partner is a 28 year old male also living with his mum, we are an hour and 45 minute drive away from each other and have been together for 11 months, we only get to see each other 1 day a week for half the day. Almost everything in our relationship is perfect except I have never met a single member of his family, his mum doesn't seem to like me or want to meet me because we kept our relationship quite for the first 2 months and the fact she didn't know is apparently unforgivable, so I'm told. I'm told it's hard to meet his brothers because they have special needs, but I'm kept a secret, only his older brother knows about me and cannot tell the rest of the family, if his mum found out he knew there'd be hell to pay. My boyfriend has meet all my family, even been to family weddings etc and gets on really well with everyone, it's just the secrecy around his side of the family I don't like. My dad seems to think he has another girlfriend, which sounds crazy, but then again I only see him once a week in the evenings, he can't see me any other time because his mum has him on a tracking app and she would freak out if she knew he was at mine, because he has younger special needs brothers who need him more. We're saving for a house and often talk about having kids in the future, he's very mature, except when it comes to his mum and me asking if I can meet her. I don't know if it actually is his mum being controlling or if he is hiding something. Any thoughts?

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He has another girlfriend. You've been "together" for almost a year and there's been no progression. Even if you're not a side piece, the fact that the relationship isn't deepening is a huge red flag. Maybe find someone local who doesn't keep you a secret from their friends and family.

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Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? Are you from a different culture? Is he married? Listen to your father. It sounds like "mum" is his wife. You can do much better than this guy. Listen to your family and your instincts.

I have never met a single member of his family. if his mum found out he knew there'd be hell to pay. My dad seems to think he has another girlfriend. his mum has him on a tracking app and she would freak out if she knew he was at mine.
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This does not sound good and he does not sound trustworthy OP. Sorry.

 

All his talk of marriage and kids and living together sounds great but as someone already said for this to happen you have to stop being a secret to his family so currently it's just words. They don't mean anything.

 

If I were you I would end it or give him a deadline for him to tell his family about you so you can meet them. If he refuses you know hes full of it.

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The thing is I'm online with him most nights and he'll facetime me almost every night before we go to sleep and Ive seen his room, he's definitely not living with a wife or girlfriend. We met at my best friends wedding, my best friend is also his best friend so we do have friends together and hang out with them often. It's literally only his mum that I'm kept a secret from, no one else, but the tracking device is really annoying me and he won't get rid of it.

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I have heard stories like this involving adult children whose parent(s) were clinical narcissists. It's typical narcissistic abuse, and the children never actually "grow up" and are controlled by the parent(s). This is a possibility. But there's no way I would carry on assuming this was the case, you need to know the truth to be able to move forward as this behavior is stunting. Even if he's a victim of narc. abuse, it takes years and years of therapy to break the cycle. Look up the term, "Echoist"

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I only see him once a week in the evenings, he can't see me any other time because his mum has him on a tracking app and she would freak out if she knew he was at mine,

 

Are you sure it's his mum who would be freaking out?

 

What sought of 28 year old's mother has a tracking app on him?

 

Sounds dodgy.

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Nonetheless, do you see a future with someone who has a folie a deux style shared dysfunction with his mother? Keep in mind a normal man would never acquiesce to being tethered and kept hostage by any of this. It's not only about this foster mother, it's about his actions as well. This is not 'protective', it's abusive.

He was abused as a child and his mum is his adopted mum so I think that he believes he owes her a lot and he's been through a lot of loss, had 2 siblings die so I think that's why his mum is so protective
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I don't GPS my kids lol. They are adults. I presume I raised them well enough for them to know where they should and shouldn't go.

 

Does his mother plan to do this forever? How is he going to marry you in secret? Will your children be a secret too if you have any?

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