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Thread: I'm Leaving eNotAlone

  1. #1
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    I'm Leaving eNotAlone

    Big shocker. Not that anyone cares, but I would at least like to express why I'm quitting after being a member for nearly 7 years. In my mind, this site was supposed to be an empathetic community of people who were willing to help each other overcome difficult and painful situations, especially if it pertained to matters of the heart. I have received that help and kindness from many online users, but after a while, everyone of my posts had nasty replies from a handful of regulars.

    Has it ever occured to you that maybe the reason why I am on an anonymous website for advice is because I don’t have anyone to talk to? Or maybe instead of bringing all my insecurities to my boyfriend, I use this site as a journal to vent so that I don’t have to bring that to him? This site was supposed to help, but now every post I make just makes me feel worse. Instead of holding what seems to be a grudge from previous posts, maybe try being more open and have a heart for someone (anyone) who’s lonely. If people had someone to talk to, they wouldn’t be on here posting about things that hurt them. So much for a supportive community. And so long, it’s been a journey.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I am sorry you feel alone. I think that I everyone comes here with their own basket of issues.

  3. #3
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    Because you kept on repeating the same scenario, over and over. It is disrespectful and frustrating to the posters when you do not follow through on the advice that is given. Repeatedly.

    I believe that many have also suggested therapy, which I do not believe that you have followed through on.

    I do hope you look into helping yourself, as we cannot do that for you. I also hope that you develop a social network, so that you have friends that can support you, and not solely online strangers.

    Good luck.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry you’re feeling lonely as well, and that this site isn’t the salve it once was.

    I admit that I’ve wondered, here and there, if you wouldn’t benefit more from the journal section than the advice one. Why do I say this? Because my feeling, often, is that you are looking less for advice than a kind of supportive sounding board, a safe place to vent more than a place to trigger some introspection and change.

    That’s what friends are for—and, yeah, there’s a bit of a friendly quality to this little community. But speaking for myself? When it comes to my closest friends, the ones I love the most, there comes a point when I’ll switch out the velvet gloves for the boxing ones. Not because I want to give them black eyes, no, but because I am very concerned that they are making self-sabotaging choices and are turning to me to enable those choices.

    I haven’t asked much advice on this forum, but when I have? In the immediate moment, when my own feelings are particularly turbulent, I have most appreciated the velvet gloves. But it was often those with the boxing gloves who called it as it was, and as I didn’t quite want to see it, and as such a really appreciate the variety of bedside manner one gets here. Who knows? Maybe on your journey, be it an hour from now or a year, it’ll seem that some of the sharper words you’ve encountered on here helped out and steer your toward a place that was a little brighter than the place you’re in right now.

    Best of luck out there.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you feel that bad that you want to leave. Yes, it does matter. You matter every bit as much as everyone else on here.

    With a lot of advice forums, you just have to take the good with the bad and decide which you'd rather listen to. So many different opinions.

    I hope you decide to change your mind and perhaps start on journal on here. It can be either private, or one others can read but not comment, or others can read and comment.
    The choice is up to you.

    But you have a right to be here just as much as the rest of us.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Sorry that we haven't been giving you any enabling advice, Lady. It's not because we don't care, or that we don't understand your anxiety... it's because if we give you enabling or caudling coos, then you're never going to change your insecure dynamic you seem to harbour in this relationship. Holding a mirror up to you was to help you to see rather than just help you to continue to be so angst ridden in your relationship with the man you are with.

    Its of course your choice to stay or go but perhaps if you stayed and offered more of your own advice, you'd be less likely to hear things you don't want to hear about your own situation (?) and you'd start to realize that most of your fears are fruitless or you'd be able to self sooth if you were to take your own advice.

    I'm confident that all of us who have used our "boxing gloves" have done so with your best interests in mind, even if what we have said isn't quite what you have wanted to hear.

    Good luck no matter if you stay or go... I hope that you can settle into a more calm love with your guy rather than this often anxiousness you seem to have with him.

    Be well.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Also Lady, if you do ever decide to make another post (or if anyone does)...it might help if you specify what you're looking for. Like for instance, if you want an honest opinion on what you should do as opposed to just a listening ear.

    I do think people can choose to be more gentle at times, yes, for sure. But we are all human too and sometimes our own personal lives/emotions get caught up in advising. It's tough to separate human emotion from giving advice as lots of times it does strike a personal chord.

    I am also on the fence about "tough love". I think at times it can be a type of bullying while at other times it can give us the extra push we need. But I do understand as well that a person might be too emotional right then to want to hear that kind of advice and needs more gentleness.

    There's a time and place for everything, right?

    I hope you're okay just the same, Lady.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I have found journals on here to be very useful. I have many of them and have worked out a lot of issues that way.

  10. #9
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    I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed with your experience here. The "tough love" approach can be helpful sometimes, but only to a person who is open to receive it. If they're not, then all it does is cause further confusion. But no one here (or anywhere) is perfect and I think most are trying their best to be helpful. It can be harder to hear when one is in a heightened emotional state. There is also the dynamic of people being more bold behind the keyboard as an anonymous person, but I don't see too much of that here, personally. Here and there, yeah, it's unavoidable, but for the most part, no.

    Anyway, I haven't seen many of your posts, but again I'm sorry you're feeling let down. Maybe as others here have suggested a journal would be helpful for you as a healthy, constructive outlet. If you ever want to come back here, I'm sure the vast majority would be happy to hear from you. Best of luck to you with everything.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Its of course your choice to stay or go but perhaps if you stayed and offered more of your own advice, you'd be less likely to hear things you don't want to hear about your own situation (?) and you'd start to realize that most of your fears are fruitless or you'd be able to self sooth if you were to take your own advice.
    I second this, should you have a change of heart.

    Were I to isolate my most selfish reasons for being on ENA, it's because I have found that, in giving advice to others, I end up calling my own bluff and navigating my life out there in the world with a little less of my own bs stuck to the soles of my shoes. It's kind of like smoking cigarettes, something I no longer do but will adore for life. When you tell a little kid to never smoke a cigarette and then go out to sneak a smoke—you feel icky, can't quite rationalize it the same way, and are really forced to think about why you're smoking.

    I smoke less thanks to ENA, you could say, and wonder how you listening and advising would help you with your own habits.

    Other thing I'll add to this funeral procession is: this site is not therapy. It is nowhere close, has no relation, therapeutic as it may be for many, for a variety of reasons. I bring this up because one of the things that kind of breaks my heart—my heart that is very grateful for therapy!—is that many of the same people who are willing to open up and be completely vulnerable on a website hear the words "Have you considered therapy?" as an attack, or judgement, when few words are more gentle. I've noticed that in some of your threads—and, well, I hope one day those words don't land like a judge's gavel.

    My girlfriend had a bad cough back in December, and, for a while, when she coughed I basically said, "Ugh—sorry." But when it got worse, instead of better, I said, "Maybe it's time to see a doctor?" Turned out to be a very real infection, which was zapped by antibiotics. Therapy can be like that, for the emotional infections. This site, at best, can be like a cough drop.

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