My (31M) wife (31F) broke up with me 3 weeks ago

Abbreviation table for newcomers:

NC = No Contact (when you don't contact the other person at all costs)

LC = Low Contact (when you only talk about things you really need to, but happens often)

BU = BreakUp

eNA = eNotAlone (this forum)

It's long, but I'm trying to cover a lot as to make more people identify with my story and find some closure.

I (31M) just broke up (well, I'm the dumpee...) with my wife (31F). Yesterday marked the 3rd week of our breakup. For the first week, as I was absolutely desperate, I went to the "let's beg" road and tried many times to get back together, which she refused profusely and on the 3rd and last attempt she was kinda pissed. But we talked things through and are in good terms, I'm even helping her sell something that was ours but we don't want to keep. Now I'm in LC as we still need to sort some things out. I won't be able to go full NC yet, but I hope to go soon.

She is a stubborn, emotional, independent and decided woman, but caring sometimes.

We had a relationship of a bit more than 4 years, being married for only 9 months, and we married in Japan, just the two of us, a truly romantic experience. We had an AMAZING time, we moved together within the first month of our relationship and everything was perfect. But from about 2 years ago I started vanishing from the relationship, I didn't mean it, it just happened, and she was the one doing most of the work to keep us together. I did do some things, but she was the one doing the heavy lifting.

I have a growing development company and it took most of my time within these 2 past years, and on top of that I also created some sort of personal-cave, isolating myself from everyone, including her, and didn't want to go out often, was playing computer games for many hours, eating junk food all the time and lost most of my social circle due to this isolation. I think I was in a kind of depression during this period, as I wasn't the same person that when we started dating and didn't have the same energy as before. Also worth noting that since we started dating I got around 55 extra pounds (25kg).

As I was in "isolation mode", she also started creating her own routines without me, going out with colleagues and friends*, adding lots of activities throughout the day (singing classes, gym ...) and so on.

* I have absolutely no reason to believe she was cheating on me and we are VERY transparent to each other, if she was indeed cheating I'm sure she would regret and tell me, as I did when we had 5 days of being together (and not officialy in a relationship). I was heartbroken and we were apart for about a week, but she forgave me.

So, for the past 2 years, things started gradually fading (imagine that boiling frog fable) and I only noticed it was really bad about 4 months ago. During the first year of our relationship, we had sex I'd say at least once a day, but, as our relationship, this was also fading. During the past year we only had sex let's say once a month tops. I'm bringing up the sex subject as this is a great cause of issues in a relationship.

I was to blame for this, or at least that's what she implied. "You don't come looking for sex" was something she would say. She knew both parties can look for sex, that's not a male-only role, and she had done it a good amount of times before. But she did complain about my "lack of desire" for one or two times, which I did nothing but say I'd look for help. On the third time she complained, about 3 months ago, I went looking for a psychiatrist specialized in this subject. He didn't help at all, sex wasn't the main issue anymore, as the relationship had already took a fatal hit. And I'm not even sure why sex was an issue, I still desired her, just didn't go looking for it (and she also didn't). Maybe I was too comfortable in this relationship to a point where I was very lazy?

She also would usually say "you should love yourself as I love you", which I didn't understand at the time (again, boiling frog fable). I was really a disaster on myself for the past 2 years, and it intensified within the past 18 months. Don't take me wrong here, I wasn't really prostrated and couldn't function at all, that wasn't the case. Professionaly I was (still am) doing great and my company is quite healthy. But my personal identity, dreams and desires had basically vanished.

During our last 6 weeks together, I tried a little harder to leave my "personal-cave" behind. Was going out more often, and was truly becoming myself again and enjoying it aside her. It was too late.

On a Friday the 13th (yep...), last month, she finally said she "couldn't try our relationship anymore", and dropped the bomb: "I love you a lot but I'm not in love with you". She was confused and scared and we cried heaps, but she decided it was time for us to part ways. She didn't come to a conclusion whether this was a definitive break or just a timeout. But I'm positive she wants to live her own life now and sort what she feels for me, indefinitely.

I guess one of the last drops in the bucket was about 2 months before our breakup, when she went on an international trip with her mother and, she told me after we broke up, she didn't miss me for the week they were traveling, like she didn't even think of me sharing the travel experiences with her. So she kinda saw me as a friend, a brother, and not a spouse anymore.

This is not my first rodeo, I broke up twice before, one of them was a 7 year long relationship, but no other breakups hit me so hard as this one. I had many ups and downs these past weeks, Christmas and New Year's are very hard dates to go through on a fresh breakup. The pain comes and goes.

But I'm writing this as a give back, as yesterday I came around eNA and read many things that really lifted my spirit.

Most of the messages are very positive and guide you to a "be a better you" mood. And I'm 100% sure our breakup was a great thing actually, it's time for the both of us to learn and improve ourselves. Maybe we can get back together in the near (or not so near) future.

I started going to the gym the next few days after we broke up and I'm eating healthier on a strict diet since... already lost almost 10 pounds! I fit into lots of clothes now :)

When we were together, she said I didn't want to participate in our house decorations, but now I'm looking forward to furnish my new apartment. :)

Although the ups and downs really hit hard sometimes, I'm not letting my real "me" vanish again. I'm starting many different activities (dance classes, guitar classes ...) and focusing on my body and health through gym, functional training and consuming healthier food. All this to rediscover myself.

If we don't come back together (I hope we do), at least my next relationship will greatly benefit from my new me.

Just a footnote: I'm 3 weeks into our breakup and, althought my text above has a positive mood, I still have mood swings, really bad ones sometimes. But friends, family and eNA GREATLY help.

If you, as me, are in this rollercoaster of emotions, you will get through. Keep reading more topics here and improving yourself. :)

Reading that, it sounds like you lost track of yourself, and she lost attraction for you.

The sooner you sought out the logistics and get on with NC and your self improvement program, the better.

Good luck, and remember its a journey, not a destination.

Are you married, divorced, separated or just dating and broken up?

BU = BreakUp

I (31M) just broke up (well, I'm the dumpee...) with my wife (31F). Yesterday marked the 3rd week of our breakup.

It sounds to me like she got very tired of trying to get your attention, and felt unwanted and unseen in the relationship for a long time. That can indeed be fatal to romantic feelings for a partner.

That said, you mentioned you have only been married 9 months and these problems started 2 years ago. This begs the question - what made you two decide to marry? That is a sincere question. Was she hoping this would change after marriage? Had you two talked about what your respective visions of marriage are? You note that you got married abroad, just the two of you. While that does indeed sound lovely, I do wonder if this wedding had been planned in advance or was it done on a whim while on holidays or some such thing. I feel it's important to get a better sense of the context of your and her mindframes heading into the marriage to better understand why it lasted such a short time.

You're doing the right thing by taking steps to improve yourself, in any case. That's all you can really do at this point. She might have a change of heart if she sees you're committed to making positive changes, but it would be best not to hedge bets on that for the time being.

She fell out of love with you. This is the number one reason for divorce (no, it's not money). As you said, you stopped doing the romantic things you did in the beginning. This is why.

Unfortunately, real life is not like Hollywood movies. Once the love goes, it usually does not come back.

All you can do is move on with your life and find a new woman. You get one chance at love per person.

Have you considered some therapy to deal with this behavior. This seems to be a pattern.

I'm surprised she stuck around as long as she did.

Reading that, it sounds like you lost track of yourself, and she lost attraction for you.

 

The sooner you sought out the logistics and get on with NC and your self improvement program, the better.

 

Good luck, and remember its a journey, not a destination.

Yeah, that’s exactly it. I lost track of myself and went into some sort of depression (without the actual “sadness” part). I was basically blind to my situation and couldn’t see what I had become, until this ultimatum came from her, but it was too late.

I’m entering NC as soon as I sell this last item of ours... and I already started looking to improve myself, bought new clothes as my old ones were worn out and ugly, started many activities (both for the mind and body), Im catching up with old friends I also cut from my life when I was “depressed” and right now my mood is kinda ok. Its a long road until Im healed, but Im getting there.

Are you married, divorced, separated or just dating and broken up?

We werent legally married. But from our perspective is not a piece of paper that defines one’s status, we considered ourselves married, with a ring on the left hand and all our friends and family also considered us as married.

This begs the question - what made you two decide to marry? That is a sincere question. Was she hoping this would change after marriage? Had you two talked about what your respective visions of marriage are? You note that you got married abroad, just the two of you. While that does indeed sound lovely, I do wonder if this wedding had been planned in advance or was it done on a whim while on holidays or some such thing. I feel it's important to get a better sense of the context of your and her mindframes heading into the marriage to better understand why it lasted such a short time.

We married as we were indeed in love. And when we broke up I asked her why she married me if she wasn’t happy, and she said in her mind she thought it would make me change. But also, that marriage was planned almost single handedly by her, where she found the photogtapher (we’re Brazilian and this guy was also) that helped us getting a ceremony in a Temple (Fushimi Inari), defined our agenda while traveling etc

And yes, we married abroad during a vacation, but was planned (again, mostly by her) about 5months in advance.

You're doing the right thing by taking steps to improve yourself, in any case. That's all you can really do at this point. She might have a change of heart if she sees you're committed to making positive changes, but it would be best not to hedge bets on that for the time being.

Im not counting on her wanting me back, but although I cant 100% shake the hope, I try to let go and move on. I just knew of another couple that had a 6 month breakup after years together and are now 9 years in a relationship again. So stories like this (and the ones from that topic here on eNA) keeps the hope alive. One thing I absolutely won’t do is stalk her or check her social networks all the time. This is strictly forbidden in my mind and Im fortunate enough to be very controlled about it, not even when drunk I say stupid things to her or check her instagram.

She fell out of love with you. This is the number one reason for divorce (no, it's not money). As you said, you stopped doing the romantic things you did in the beginning. This is why.

 

Unfortunately, real life is not like Hollywood movies. Once the love goes, it usually does not come back.

 

All you can do is move on with your life and find a new woman. You get one chance at love per person.

Not sure if I agree with you here mate, there are plenty of similar stories on that “Getting back together really happens” topic, where people fell out of love but they come back after months or years. Im just not betting on it. But as I said before, and although I want to, I can’t seem to shake the hope.

Also, if we were deeply in love as we were for years, and the issue (me isolating myself) is fixed, love can come back.

Have you considered some therapy to deal with this behavior. This seems to be a pattern.

 

I'm surprised she stuck around as long as she did.

Im doing therapy for the first time in my life. Im actually enjoying it heaps, should’ve done it sooner (as my ex suggested a good amount of times).

Yeah, she endured my issues far too long, agree with you on that.

Ok, then break up and walk away.

We werent legally married. We married as we were indeed in love.

Originally Posted by Gary Snyder

She fell out of love with you. This is the number one reason for divorce (no, it's not money). As you said, you stopped doing the romantic things you did in the beginning. This is why.

 

Unfortunately, real life is not like Hollywood movies. Once the love goes, it usually does not come back.

 

All you can do is move on with your life and find a new woman. You get one chance at love per person.

 

Not sure if I agree with you here mate, there are plenty of similar stories on that “Getting back together really happens” topic, where people fell out of love but they come back after months or years. Im just not betting on it.

- your last sentence is what you need to focus on - it's very rare, a bad bet.

Finding a new girlfriend and time will help you get over it.

Even though you are not married here are some indicators that it's over:

"After watching thousands of couples argue in his lab, he was able to identify specific negative communication patterns that predict divorce. He called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Contempt is the most destructive of The Four Horsemen because it conveys, “I’m better than you. I don’t respect you.” It’s so destructive, in fact, that couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness than couples who are not contemptuous of each other. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless."

I know everyone is mostly trying to help in this thread, but some messages here are giving so much anxiety... all you say is that its really over and how bad of a hole I really was in when I had that kind of depression (or just too lazy) for almost 2 years. I know I was in a bad place. But if I wasn’t , things could have turned up fine. Now Im out of that bad place, and plan to keep this way.

I just need to stop thinking of her almost all the time.

I had a few very good days, I was in a good mood. But then sadness hit again, not as hard, but Im in a bad mood for most part of my day today. Went to the gym very early, then went to work, but was thinking of her constantly, and it consumed a good portion of my focus.

Now I just got back from work and Ill leave to a dance class, something I never done in my life, but need to keep my mind busy and socialize again.

Any tips on how to get my thoughts in order? I can’t keep thinking of her. Sometimes I think of breaking NC, but I know I can’t.

Schedule a time to think about her for 10 or 15 minutes. At 1300 hrs or whatever suits. When you have intrusive thoughts, defer them to that set time.

When that time arrives, write down a list of the all the crappy things she used to do.

If you are thinking of emailing her, write a draft on notepad or some similar program that doesn't have a "send" button. Let it sit for a few days, then re-read it and delete it.

Thanks RayRay. Also, loved your signature quote :)

On 1/4/2020 at 3:30 AM, jdmmd said:

give back, as yesterday I came around eNA and read many things that really lifted my spirit.

Most of the messages are very positive and guide you to a "be a better you" mood. And I'm 100% sure our breakup was a great thing actually, it's time for the both of us to le

Thanks for sharing this. Your experience feels very similar to mine. How long did it take to move on? What is the current and latest now that its been about a year?