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Thread: Insecurity in my relationship

  1. #11
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    Funny thing is in the month where Angelina and I were apart, i met someone who im much more secure with and who shows so much interest. more at peace with. I had to cut her off when I got back together with Angelina cause I really didnt want to hurt her. truth is my feelings for Angelina are much more stronger than for her. Iv been thinking of talking to her again but I dont wanna end up hurting her. To talk to her i gotta figure this situation with Angelina out but its so hard to let go. My mom knows her and so do my friends it adds to the difficulty.

    Also Angelina has been hurt severely before (her ex bf had a baby with another women 2 years ago) i sense that its only now that shes starting to give her heart to someone new. I can tell she loves me but just has no idea how to express those feelings. A break up would hurt her severely as well
    Last edited by TheG; 01-06-2020 at 06:26 PM.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about this.

    Recalling your last thread vividly, I can’t say I’m surprised. Without your insecurities, without hers, and without her ability to trigger such shaky feelings in you, do you think you’d even be with her right now?

    Let’s pick that apart. You’re back together, in part, because she ghosted you, half-ghosted, spun you around, and flaunted some random on social media. That made you feel edgy and insecure, understandably. While some would lick those wounds and move on to connect with people who wouldn’t inflict them—someone with whom they felt secure—you went to the source of the cut for comfort, made reconnecting and getting back together the answer.

    And, hey, you got it. Sadly, in these scenarios it often comes with a price: when insecurity is the main bonding point, it’s not going to vanish, since it’s a main ingredient in the romantic stew. That “shaky start” is like a missing pillar in a home’s foundation—the more weight that gets added, the more likely you’ll feel the wobbles, the places where the construction is iffy. You two don’t really have a “secure” foundation to lean on, in short, but rather a foundation built around insecurity. Lean on it—lean into this relationship—and shakiness is inevitable, kind of like getting on a rollercoaster in order to relax. Doesn’t happen.

    In terms of “fixing” it or “working on” it? Hard to give advice, I admit. She’s 22, quite young, and has shown herself to be quite immature and incapable of connecting in the way you’d like. You’ve shown a similar immaturity in yourself in being drawn to her immaturity. Tough paradigm in which to “work on” maturity, since it’s immaturity that is rewarded and validated, the fuel in the engine. If either of you were a bit more mature, odds are that neither of you would find this relationship particularly compelling. She wouldn’t want a guy who finds her antics interesting, and you wouldn’t want a gal who indulged in such antics.

    So, what to do? You can try to be patient, keep riding the waves, see it levels off. Or you can see this as a lesson: you tried—and tried again—and have learned that you want and need something (maturity, security) that doesn’t exist inside this dynamic. Bummer, but sometimes it takes a bummer to help us see things more clearly. I think you’ll ultimately find what you want by taking the second choice, but it’s going to be your decision in the end.
    dude your answers always got me thinking deeply and are quite motivating. you seem to understand this situation clearly

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think you're making things more complicated than they need to be—and that instinct might be something to explore, when the time is right, meaning when you really want to be in a relationship that doesn't feel like a saucy psychological experiment but just a deep and saucy ride with someone who you trust is ready and capable for the kind of ride you want.

    Of course, you have to trust your own capabilities first, and I'm not sure you do yet. Seems to me your are investing in romantic situations that come with built-in barriers and expiration dates, situations where you can only go so deep for a variety of reasons and where you get both the comfort of intimacy and the comfort of still thinking of yourself as someone who suffers from some kind of intimacy issues.

    Brass tacks here: Angelina is basically a teenager, literally and figuratively, while you are basically 30. Slice this from every angle, analyze her past and past heartaches as if they're epic tragedies, and you're still going to keep rubbing up against that very real gap. She's hot and sweet and cool, I get it. And, hey, I also get how there can be something compelling about getting all sorts of bent out shape about nonsense like ghosting and social media: it's distracting and buzzy, a bit like watching a teen soap, or starring in one.

    But if you want something that feels more like HBO and less like an after-school special? Well, I think you're going to find that with a different human being. And I think you know that as well, deep down. Otherwise you wouldn't have been exploring something with someone else during your intermission. But when you're all twisted up about one person, you're essentially making it impossible for you to genuinely connect to another.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I think you're making things more complicated than they need to be—and that instinct might be something to explore, when the time is right, meaning when you really want to be in a relationship that doesn't feel like a saucy psychological experiment but just a deep and saucy ride with someone who you trust is ready and capable for the kind of ride you want.

    Of course, you have to trust your own capabilities first, and I'm not sure you do yet. Seems to me your are investing in romantic situations that come with built-in barriers and expiration dates, situations where you can only go so deep for a variety of reasons and where you get both the comfort of intimacy and the comfort of still thinking of yourself as someone who suffers from some kind of intimacy issues.

    Brass tacks here: Angelina is basically a teenager, literally and figuratively, while you are basically 30. Slice this from every angle, analyze her past and past heartaches as if they're epic tragedies, and you're still going to keep rubbing up against that very real gap. She's hot and sweet and cool, I get it. And, hey, I also get how there can be something compelling about getting all sorts of bent out shape about nonsense like ghosting and social media: it's distracting and buzzy, a bit like watching a teen soap, or starring in one.

    But if you want something that feels more like HBO and less like an after-school special? Well, I think you're going to find that with a different human being. And I think you know that as well, deep down. Otherwise you wouldn't have been exploring something with someone else during your intermission. But when you're all twisted up about one person, you're essentially making it impossible for you to genuinely connect to another.
    So believe it or not i kinda took your advice and backed off from the relationship a bit. It was a tough week for me emotionally. (I couldn't bring myself to call it off) and the relationship fizzled off. This morning she ended up blocking me for this. I guess she was the courageous one for at least taking some definite action. Her and I know that I am able to get her to unblock me but this time I definitely wont. Iv reflected on everything you have said and everything that has happened and I really should start getting into healthier relationships.

    There is someone as Iv mentioned before (shes 24). Much more peaceful and easier relationships. Shes working (unlike Angelina whos still a student). Not as much "butterflies in the stomach" but Im working on it! Shes really cool, Im much more secure with her and she is more like me (curious mind, always in search of personal holistic improvement). Ill be engaging with her more now. Luckily she didnt leave me when I backed off to get back with Angelina...

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this. But also? Hardly surprised. She blocked you once before, when she wasn't getting her way, and what happened? You pined and chased and obsessed, and in the process taught her that blocking will get her what she wants: validation of her immaturity and attention. Sounds to me like you just needed to touch the hot stove one more time to realize that, in the end, hot stoves aren't that interesting. Happens, been there. Lesson learned.

    My advice? Don't rush from one 24 year old to another, particularly one who is "more peaceful" and "easier," but that's not stirring those butterflies. Give yourself a minute or two to reset, and to let the toxins of Angelina leave your system, since I suspect those toxins are going to make butterflies hard to feel with anyone right now, save someone who is more immature than Angelina. Reflect a bit about why you were so drawn to such immaturity, because that, along with what I'm assuming is a pretty exterior and some great sex, was a draw to you.

    Butterflies can't quite be "worked on," and there's really no point in exploring romance with someone who doesn't stir them just because it seems more "sensible." What you want, best I can tell, is pretty simple: the excitement, without the bs. Authentic connection, in short. So make that—among other things—your baseline, and stay true to it, true to yourself. When you find that this won't feel like a science project or psychology experiment, because you'll just be super into it and super secure in it. Totally possible, my friend. Just rare. That's what makes the search so worthwhile.

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