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Thread: Personal insecurities and fear leading to self sabotage

  1. #1

    Personal insecurities and fear leading to self sabotage

    My situation might be quite weird compared to the average poster. I'm an avid gamer, it's my main hobby and it's how I spend most of my time. Through this I've had the luck of meeting an incredible girl: she's selfless, responsible, smart, we are absolutely on the same wavelength, have similar life experiences and we just connected in a beautiful way that made us fall in love.

    We live in different countries which, of course, makes things hard, but we call every day and try doing different things together when we both have time. Caring so much for one another, we've made plans to meet and now the big day is actually coming in less than a week.

    Here's the problem though: my personality, in specific my insecurities, anxiety and just being nervous overall. It's always being a part of me, I don't like it, I've tried working on it, I develop methods, but sometimes it still hits me, my mood drops very low very quickly and I still struggle to deal with this weakness of mine.

    These issues can sparkle from something as her meeting with male friends, or her having loads of fun and laughing a ton with someone else. Just writing I know it sounds crazy: I don't know to want to be an obsessive jealous boyfriend and I really wish I could just not worry over such things. I still get these thoughts though.

    I'm also close to some of my most important and possibly last university exams now and studying, preparing is taking its toll on me: I spend most of my days on books, I lost basically all hobbies and I'm quite sure it's bringing its impact on the relationship. I don't have as much to talk about, my mood tends to be lower, I'm not as energetic as I could be, and these things lead to me not making her laugh as much as I used to, to me not being as much fun to hang out with as before (I think, she never said anything like it).

    So a vicious cycle develops where I don't feel like I'm taking proper care of her which leads to me fearing she might lose interest and go for other people, even male friends, that make her laugh and are in general not so heavy minded which leads to me begin worried and nervous...

    She's always incredibly supportive, loving and I do feel like this could be the chance of a lifetime, she's just that perfect. So I'm scared: this side of my personality has already been an issue with a previous relationship and I don't want it to happen again, I don't want to lose her. I know I should at least invest more time into myself, whether it'd be getting back more seriously into gaming (which is a shared passion too) or just any hobby that fulfills me and makes me happier, but I'm still quite lost regarding what to do and how to handle such thoughts.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this and I'm sorry if the post is quite generic: I'm new too this, it feels weird talking about something so private online

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Madeupname

    We live in different countries which, of course, makes things hard, but we call every day and try doing different things together when we both have time. Caring so much for one another, we've made plans to meet and now the big day is actually coming in less than a week.

    Here's the problem though: [SUMMARY: I AM INSECURE]

    I'm also close to some of my most important and possibly last university exams now and studying [WHICH SHE KNOWS] (I think, she never said anything like it). [SHE SOUNDS SMART, SHE WILL LIKELY UNDERSTAND, SO STOP BEING INSECURE]

    She's always incredibly supportive, loving and I do feel like this could be the chance of a lifetime, she's just that perfect. So I'm scared: [NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT]
    Well if you listen to the advice you get here, things might just turn out alright.

    First, LDR's do not prosper unless there is a firm plan to remove the distance. So, you need to use the opportunity of your impending visit to talk about that ... not in the first half hour, but maybe night two, if things are going well. Doesn't have to be all locked up in detail, you can do that later, but the lady needs to know.

    Secondly, you are studying for finals. Make sure she knows how much effort is going there, and its not going to someone other than her. If that is coupled with you suggesting ways you can make a future commitment to her, all the better.

    Thirdly, because you are in the position of finishing your course, it may be the natural thing for you to do the moving - you apply for jobs where she is, get a place (you only) so that you can date local etc.

    If, in general terms, the meeting goes well and is sparky (nature takes care of attraction, so don't sweat it), and the footings of a firm foundation of a non LDR are laid, that is excellent, going forward.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    When you get back to university seek out counselling for this. You need to date real-life real people in-person. You are getting sucked into an artificial world of gaming and virtual people. When you have to live on your own or interact with the real world with real jobs and real people you could have difficulties.

  4. #4
    Hey there, thank you for answering.

    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    LDR's do not prosper unless there is a firm plan to remove the distance
    We've already talked about it through calls, the plan is not firm and sure as of now, but it's there: we both strongly feel for each other, but we want to wait until we actually meet in person. Plus moving to her would require a series of tough steps. That's definitely my focus though: finishing my studies, start learning the language (we communicate in English) and looking seriously into job/living opportunities there

    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    Make sure she knows how much effort is going there, and it's not going to someone other than her
    She's been giving me so much energy and reasons to push through the difficulties and work hard and she knows: I could say she's my biggest fan from how supportive and admiring she is. I'll definitely make sure to remind her though, after all, I owe a lot of my commitment to this relationship

    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    it may be the natural thing for you to do the moving
    That's my plan, it would work best for everyone and so far it seems more than worth it

    In general, thank you for the positive and helpful remarks. Usually, people are quite negative about LDR cases like these, it's rare to see someone willing to believe in them. I'm not dumb, I know it's going to be hard (it already is to some extent) and a bit crazy, but I firmly believe anything is possible if you believe enough in it: the things worth having usually require the most work

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You are getting sucked into an artificial world of gaming and virtual people
    I think that's a bold statement based on a few paragraphs of text. I do know my lifestyle and hobbies may not be the healthiest and I do intend on working on it with more time and possibilities.

    I'm not willing to give this up though: I find it beautiful and it makes me happy, most importantly it makes her happy. That fact alone is worth fighting for in my opinion.

    Counseling was never something I seriously thought of though, I'm not even sure my university has something like that: I'll look more into it when I have the chance, it could definitely be useful and why not make use of the tools we're offered

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    When you get back to university seek out counselling for this. You need to date real-life real people in-person. You are getting sucked into an artificial world of gaming and virtual people. When you have to live on your own or interact with the real world with real jobs and real people you could have difficulties.
    I agree with this. And I am not usually one to shun relationships that begin in a digital world. I just think that there's a strong fantasy element with them, and both parties need to acknowledge and be aware of that fact. Go into the relationship being realistic - You are not actually with the person and engaging them in 3d, so your brain will start filling in blanks, and it fills the blanks in with really good things that lend to you "falling in love". Once you have to live with the person, reality hits. I am not saying the reality is guaranteed to be bad, but there's a high possibility that the tangible relationship won't be what you fantasized about. For instance, those male friends you already take up issue with? You are going to have to cope with watching her leave the house to spend time with them, you are going to have to see them, and be utterly aware of their existence. Right now, you get to hide behind a computer and they are merely a thought, but not a reality. The relationship won't be like your video games anymore, where you can shut it off when you've had enough. You will need to be prepared to deal with an actual human being. How will you handle that? You can't prohibit her from having friends. There will, at the least, be a lot of adjustment that needs to happen, what are your plans to cope with your crippling anxiety?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Well, I don't want to sound like a 'Debbie Downer,' however, the majority of LDR (long distance relationships) tend to fail for obvious reasons.

    You are very insecure and need to work on yourself before you can make another person such as her happy. You'll meet her but eventually she'll get to know the real you and will drift away from you.

    Think if you were the girl. Would you like yourself? Would you be attracted to yourself? If you don't like yourself, no one will. You need to improve yourself so you will become happy, involved with your own interests outside gaming and broaden your horizons. This could encompass intellectual pursuits, outings, excursions, hobbies, exercise, eating right, taking care of your health, surrounding yourself with amazing friends and the whole lot.

    Despite intense studying, you still need balance in your life somehow. Become a well rounded person and the best man you can be. Your high self worth, self esteem and self confidence will soar and shine and then you will have more to offer. You will become a happy, secure person who is ready for a serious relationship. Until then, don't waste both of your energies, time and resources.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I know this is not what you want to hear, but long distance relationships usually don't work out.

    Also, you have never met this woman so you don't really know if she's attracted to you or not - or you to her. I would highly recommend dating locally.


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