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I hurted my girlfriend, how can I ask for forgiveness, what else can I do ?


Paul1995

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We are in relationship for more than a 1,5 year, we are living together for 1 year. We are truly in love, she is always smiling when I get back from work ,has happy tears when I do something nice for her, I really care and look after her, she knows that becouse she often tells me that i am a great men, perfect one… but i had a problem, when we were at some party and I drank Too much i started arguing with her without any reason, one time I hurt her so deeply that she basicly broke up with me but after two days she forgave me and from that situation i promised to her that i will work on myself, and it wont happen again, an amazing year just passed, i have kept my promise, we had very few small fights but nothing serious just normal relationship stuff and 99% of them was while we were sober until now , becouse 2 days ago it happened to me (and her) again - I Lost control over how much i drank on new years eve and at about 3 am I started arguing with her without any reason - again, I dont know why I did it and there is no logic in my behaviour - i blacked out. Next morning when i woke up with a Hangover she told me that I need to move out till the end of the month, and thats Too much for her, that she doesnt let me treat her like that her friend was still with us so i didnt have a chance to talk to her than. I bought her favourite sweets and meal few hours after and left a card with my apology ( begging for forgiveness)the next day i bought the flowers and big teddy bear and I asked her for forgiveness personaly, I was basicly begging her to not leave me and trying to show her that i did changed but i have failed this night and now I will basicly throw alcohol away from my life so It now wont happen again for sure and i know i can do this ( i was crying telling her that) but without any satisfying result, she accepted flowers i think becouse they are standing on a main table in our home. Today i made a dinner for her but becouse I knew she doesnt want to eat with me I just told her that i made it and its ready on the table. 1 hr later i recieved a message on my phone that she thanks me for the dinner but I can stop trying as it wont change anything… i went outside for a walk and texted her my asking for forgiveness again and my will to change, and how much she means to me etc but she said she doesnt trust me no more becouse i said same thing last year and it happened again and that she doesnt want to be with a person like me no more…

 

I know she loves me and i love her Too , she means world to me and I cant imagine life without her, she didnt remove our pictures from home walls or Instagram or relationship status from facebook

 

i know I can completely remove alcohol from my life becouse its the only reason i acted like this, and only reason my relationship is broken now - ( i am not drinking everyday, just some weekends)

 

should I give her more time since its been only 2 days ? (We never had a longer „fight”) and than ask her again ?

do You think she will forgive me ?

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Take my advice with a grain of salt: Your behavior sounds like a potential precursor to an abusive relationship and that's probably where she draws the line. She gave you one chance already and you let her down, that means, you likely will let her down a 3rd time, and a 4th time, and a 5th time.. You know how that saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

 

Will she forgive you, as in, continue the relationship? I don't know. But pressuring her isn't allowing her the ability to calm down and sort through her feelings.

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It sounds like you need to get help with your drinking and anger issues. You can promise her the moon and the stars but those are just words. You’ve already proven by actions that you can’t control your anger and drinking. I’m sorry to say but I don’t think she will take you back. You need to give her space and yourself time to get straightened out.

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I understand, I will give her some space, go to my hometown for few days let her breathe, the point is I am not abusive at all, I am soo far from that, we dont have any major problems and we are truly in love i really really care about her , help her with everything and motivate her it happened „ only”when We was partying with her and my froends and drank Too much and it was a year ago, now Im willing to take out alcohol from my life , i wont even touch it, as we can see i cant drink so I shouldnt, its like a 2nd personaity waking up that wants to hurt feelings.

I just cant believe how stupid i am, cant forgive myself that i hurted her so much.

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the point is I am not abusive at all, I am soo far from that

But you abused the alcohol. Not everyone who is abusive would tag themselves as such, in fact most seem unaware of it and talk a lot about how good of a person they are, and how others have actually wronged them.

 

[...]drank Too much and it was a year ago, now Im willing to take out alcohol from my life , i wont even touch it, as we can see i cant drink so I shouldnt, its like a 2nd personaity waking up that wants to hurt feelings.

 

You said you blacked out, do you know what exactly went on during these "fights"?

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It’s good you want to remove alcohol from your life. I think actions do speak louder then words. I don’t want to give you false hope and say if you quit drinking alcohol she’ll come back. I will say it will help you in the long run in your next relationship if not with her.

 

I think though once someone’s mind is made up it’s hard to convince them otherwise. It’s time to take care of you. I know it sucks and the pain is brutal. I started drinking at 21 with my first serious relationship and became addicted instantly. It impacted how I felt, my moods and my outbursts when provoked. The relationship ended and I got counseling and stopped drinking. It’s been 15 years now since I last touched alcohol. I can’t even stand to be around it now.

 

The thing I learned was that if my ex wasn’t going to stick around to see me sober up it didn’t matter what I said or did.

 

I had to stop proving to him I could change and actually change regardless.

 

I entered into more healthier relationships.

 

I think you need to realize that all is not lost if you lose her. You’ll understand later on what I mean by that.

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But you abused the alcohol. Not everyone who is abusive would tag themselves as such, in fact most seem unaware of it and talk a lot about how good of a person they are, and how others have actually wronged them.

 

 

 

You said you blacked out, do you know what exactly went on during these "fights"?

 

I can say I am abusive during those nights when I am „Partying” yes its true but other than that - no and I can say it with full responsibility.

 

During those fights which happened year ago I accused her of cheating ( i had no reason to think like this) and said some mean words. It was the worst I said, now i told her about some old situation that happened when I saw by a mistake something on her phone a msg from some guy and I immidiatly asked her who is that and why shes texting him, it happened to be her family friends son and she showed me those texts so i also had no reason to talk about it again at least not in that way and not on this day. I dont know if I wanted an attention or what its just stupid

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It’s good you want to remove alcohol from your life. I think actions do speak louder then words. I don’t want to give you false hope and say if you quit drinking alcohol she’ll come back. I will say it will help you in the long run in your next relationship if not with her.

 

I think though once someone’s mind is made up it’s hard to convince them otherwise. It’s time to take care of you. I know it sucks and the pain is brutal. I started drinking at 21 with my first serious relationship and became addicted instantly. It impacted how I felt, my moods and my outbursts when provoked. The relationship ended and I got counseling and stopped drinking. It’s been 15 years now since I last touched alcohol. I can’t even stand to be around it now.

 

The thing I learned was that if my ex wasn’t going to stick around to see me sober up it didn’t matter what I said or did.

 

I had to stop proving to him I could change and actually change regardless.

 

I entered into more healthier relationships.

 

I think you need to realize that all is not lost if you lose her. You’ll understand later on what I mean by that.

I understand what You mean, i just never met more wonderful women in my life, never been more in love, im not addicted to alcohol in a way that i need to drink everyday, im drinking once in 2 weeks maybe and for a past year If i drank i drank responsibly and didnt hurt her , but I Lost control that night 3 days ago and boom .. my world got ruined, we was talking about getting married 2 days before that...

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I just know that i will fight for that relationship to the end , i told her that.i will leave our home for 2 days now, give her some time alone and try to take her for some walk or something and try to talk with her, I know that shes really emotional makes her decisions like this in bad situations, so i hope she will change her mind and give me one last chance

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You need to smarten up. You know what happens when you drink too much, so quit drinking. If you cant do that on your own, join AA and learn how to kick the alcohol habit. If she means as much to you as you say, then you need to move heaven and earth to make tangible progress to show her you mean it when you say you have quit drinking.

 

Back off from pestering her too. She said a month, so leave her alone stop texting her, stop sending her things. Let her calm down and maybe in time she will talk to you and then you need to have proof you have done concrete things to show her you are not drinking anymore. Look up the local AA organization in your area.

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...she accepted flowers i think becouse they are standing on a main table in our home. Today i made a dinner for her but becouse I knew she doesnt want to eat with me I just told her that i made it and its ready on the table. 1 hr later i recieved a message on my phone that she thanks me for the dinner but I can stop trying as it wont change anything… i went outside for a walk and texted her my asking for forgiveness again and my will to change, and how much she means to me etc but she said she doesnt trust me no more becouse i said same thing last year and it happened again and that she doesnt want to be with a person like me no more….

 

should I give her more time since its been only 2 days ? (We never had a longer „fight”) and than ask her again ?

do You think she will forgive me ?

 

Flowers, dinner, and crying does not resolve the problems you have with abusive behavior fueled by alcohol.

 

At this point, she is not your girlfriend, she is protecting her safety and her heart.

 

You need to focus on getting your proverbial sheet together. Your drinking and your behavior? Please address them with a professional. Seek counseling to learn how to recognize the negativities in your life and to resolve them.

 

After that? Maybe address having romance in our fe again.

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You don't have to drink every day to have a problem with alcohol.

 

You seem to be a binge drinker. You don't drink every day (or every week) but you don't seem to have much control over the number of drinks you have. And if you black out...yeah, you have a drinking problem.

 

Do not attempt to contact her or send her any more gifts. Flowers and a meal won't cancel out your awful behavior (where do some men get the idea that all you have to do is buy a woman flowers or jewelry and she'll melt into their arms, all forgiving??). Work on getting your drinking problem handled, and then maybe start thinking about dating again. It'll be much better for you, I promise.

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You need to smarten up. You know what happens when you drink too much, so quit drinking. If you cant do that on your own, join AA and learn how to kick the alcohol habit. If she means as much to you as you say, then you need to move heaven and earth to make tangible progress to show her you mean it when you say you have quit drinking.

 

Back off from pestering her too. She said a month, so leave her alone stop texting her, stop sending her things. Let her calm down and maybe in time she will talk to you and then you need to have proof you have done concrete things to show her you are not drinking anymore. Look up the local AA organization in your area.

 

I know how to do that on my own, i just dont know how can I prove to her that I am taking every step needed to not let that situation happen again since we are still living together

maybe she will see that i am not going out on the weekends but in that perspective I dont have a lot of time... my friend proposed to appoint a visit with a psychologist with me so I would had a chance to learn how to control my emotions and understand where that behaviour came from, I would work on myself and got a proof that i could show her that i am serious about it. I feel so devastaded ...

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The problem here is she already gave you a chance to improve yourself yet you blew it. You drank too much the first time, provoked an argument with her without any reason, hurt her very badly, she broke up with you, forgave you, took you back and what did you do? YOU DID IT AGAIN! :eek: :upset: You drank on New Year's Eve and gave her the same repeated argument without any reason and this time she had enough. She was done and I don't blame her.

 

I'll tell you about human nature which is universal as this has happened to me in my recent past. Once certain words had been blurted out whether verbal or in written form, all the apologies and remorse in the world won't make it better. Unfortunately, you can never take back what you said or wrote. People are not robots. We have feelings and we become very protective of our feelings. No one in their right mind wishes to repeat getting hurt again so the answer is to cut you off or cut certain people out of my life permanently. It's a defense mechanism.

 

I have several people in my life who try so hard to get back into my good graces to no avail. They pay for my meal at restaurants, give me gifts, send me a flurry of sugary syrupy sweet texts, emojis, emails and ingratiate themselves to me which are all efforts in futility. I'm not buying it. Why? Because once people show me their true colors during a moment of human weakness, I now know what they're capable of such as crossing that major line with me. Some people truly tested me sorely which eventually backfired with my current passive aggressive behavior towards them. Something inside me got up and left or simply died. I'm no longer naive and innocent. I no longer have the desire to invest myself and emotions into the relationship anymore whether it's family or friends. I'm done. I want to be left alone where I feel safe, secure and there is zero risk of getting hurt forever. I'll see to that.

 

Some people are severe and choose permanent estrangement. I'm with some people whom I can't get rid of so I enforce healthy boundaries with them and we play by my rules from now on. It works, too as I'm in the driver's seat.

 

The only thing you can do is respect your ex-girlfriend's final decision. She has already made up her mind. Also, your key takeaway here is to never repeat the same mistake twice. Someday, when you have a new relationship with a new girl, it will be better to not drink in the first place verses risking another drunken fight with a woman.

 

To forgive means to move on, not hold grudges nor ill will. Forgive does not mean condone nor forget. Your girlfriend will forgive you after she feels safe once you exit her life. She will move on with her life which is the definition of "forgive." This is human nature and her behavior is universal, Paul1995.

 

Learn from your harsh lessons and become wiser from this day forward.

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You don't have to drink every day to have a problem with alcohol.

 

You seem to be a binge drinker. You don't drink every day (or every week) but you don't seem to have much control over the number of drinks you have. And if you black out...yeah, you have a drinking problem.

 

Do not attempt to contact her or send her any more gifts. Flowers and a meal won't cancel out your awful behavior (where do some men get the idea that all you have to do is buy a woman flowers or jewelry and she'll melt into their arms, all forgiving??). Work on getting your drinking problem handled, and then maybe start thinking about dating again. It'll be much better for you, I promise.

 

Thank You , i just signed myself to a Psychologist to understand why it happened and fight with those incidents, I do this for me but also to show her that i am making Real steps to change and eventualy make her mine again

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Moving in after 24 weeks of dating is too soon. If you can't imagine your life without her, you'll have to imagine your life without alcohol. She already knows alcohol is more important to you than she is and that is why she kicked you out. Stay away from her so she can find a man who loves her more than his booze.

We are in relationship for more than a 1,5 year, we are living together for 1 year. - i blacked out. Next morning when i woke up with a Hangover she told me that I need to move out till the end of the month. I cant imagine life without her.
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Moving in after 24 weeks of dating is too soon. If you can't imagine your life without her, you'll have to imagine your life without alcohol. She already knows alcohol is more important to you than she is and that is why she kicked you out. Stay away from her so she can find a man who loves her more than his booze. Hopefully she will contact the police if you go near her again.

We are in relationship for more than a 1,5 year, we are living together for 1 year. - i blacked out. Next morning when i woke up with a Hangover she told me that I need to move out till the end of the month. I cant imagine life without her.
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I think you need to give up on the relationship for now and conquer your demon - alcohol.

 

 

All the begging and pleading in the world wont change the fact that she doesn't trust 'drunken you'. Seek professional help and advice on getting this beat and your anger issues resolved.

 

It doesn't matter this only happens once a year, it's once a year too much.

 

Maybe one day a long way down the line she may re-open communication if you are 100% better but for now forgeit and get yourself fixed.

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Thank You , i just signed myself to a Psychologist to understand why it happened and fight with those incidents, I do this for me but also to show her that i am making Real steps to change and eventualy make her mine again

 

She gave you two chances. Instead of choosing her you chose alcohol.

 

And she isn't a piece of property, so you can't make her yours. That is her choice, not yours.

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I know how to do that on my own, i just dont know how can I prove to her that I am taking every step needed to not let that situation happen again since we are still living together

maybe she will see that i am not going out on the weekends but in that perspective I dont have a lot of time... my friend proposed to appoint a visit with a psychologist with me so I would had a chance to learn how to control my emotions and understand where that behaviour came from, I would work on myself and got a proof that i could show her that i am serious about it. I feel so devastaded ...

 

You should be doing this for you, not her.

 

What did you say to her?

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Next morning when i woke up with a Hangover she told me that I need to move out till the end of the month, and thats Too much for her, that she doesnt let me treat her like that

 

I would do the same thing. There's absolutely no coming back from something like that. You don't see it right now, and you may never see it. But you're minimizing the importance of very important things: her needs, the choices you make, how you behave, etc.

 

I would walk away from that and never look back.

 

In fact, I'm 100% sure I have walked away from situations like that. But I don't remember anymore because it's so far behind me.

 

You think she will forgive me ?

 

I'm sure she does love you and that she probably already has forgiven you. But that doesn't mean she wants to be with you.

 

But you abused the alcohol. Not everyone who is abusive would tag themselves as such, in fact most seem unaware of it and talk a lot about how good of a person they are, and how others have actually wronged them.

 

Very true.

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Paul1995, Attend AA meetings for life. Don't allow alcohol to have a grip on you. Be stronger than the drink.

I signed myself to psychologist, I am not drinking even when i cant sleep right now, i am sure about my decision and I will be sober no matter how our ( my and my girlfriend) situation will end, i left our home for few days to give her some space she started asking me about little things like if she can play on my computer etc ( she knows she doesnt have to ask about it ) and that she bought something with our credit card so i dont have to buy it now. Of course i responded with short answers. Then i fell asleep about 8pm becouse I was really tired and woke up at about 1 am i saw that she texted me she was asking if im coming back home , can you answer im worried , i told her i was sleeping and didnt see her text , i told her that I am okey and that i will be back on monday probably, than she asked me Where Are You ( with a sad emoticon) of course i replied, told her that i am back at my hometown ( its also Her hometown Too) and asked why she is not sleeping , she told me she was Too worried to sleep. It gave me a little light in a tunnel but still when today i couldnt help myself and just texted her „ what are You doing rn” she texted back but with little bit different mood i could feel that shes mad at me. So i decided to not come back today as i previously thought and just give her one more day without me, I think ill start with some small things that would make her happy and showed her that i care and obviously that i want to change for me and to save whats left from us, and rebuild it. I will need to start a conversation some day next week or maybe in next 2 weeks and I will see If there is any chance still for me. I know that even when I would have to move out I will still fight for her, of course with respect and while not being Too annoying. I know i will becouse my heart bigger than my body and I am a human who made a mistake, but i know i can still make her feel safe around me if she opens up.

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