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Thread: New guy being hot and cold.

  1. #1

    New guy being hot and cold.

    So I met this guy at the beginning of December. It was an instant connection sparks were flying and everything was great. Heís literally the dream guy. Like amazing personality, handsome, successful, charming, everything. And he had told me that he has never had a girlfriend before because he just never actually wanted a relationship with any girl he met and was more focused on finishing school. So he said that I was the first girl he wanted an actual relationship with since he graduated. We went out a few times and then he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes but we decided we needed to slow down a little bit cause we hadnít known eachother that long so weíd just be exclusive and not be like super public with it. Which was my idea not his. Anyway during this time he had a trip planned to go visit his family for 18 days. So like before he left we were texting and going on dates all the time. He would tell me how much he likes me and call me cute names and everything. Iím just saying he did that all on his own I didnít start it, he did. Anyway he asked me to take him to the airport and I said I would so we ended up spending most of that day together before he left. So I drop him off and he tells me heís gonna miss me so much and canít wait to come back so we can be together. So we part and heís gone and after that he turned into the driest texter in the world. It felt like he didnít even want to text me anymore and he was just pitty texting me. So after two weeks of this I finally spoke up and asked if we were still on the same page as when he left. He said that he wasnít sure he wanted to date anymore but he likes me. And that because of him starting grad school and work I couldnít be his top priority and he didnít want to put me through that. So I told him to think more about it cause we had a really good connection and that when he gets back from his trip we can talk it through in person, and he agreed. So like Iím so confused because he was all in before and now heís not. Any advice?

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
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    A month isnít long enough to gauge someone for their predictability and dependability, that happens over the course of months and years. Sounds like you guys had some dopamine fun and now heís back to real life.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Where did you meet this man?

  4. #4
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    I wouldnít wait around you hardly know him after a month. Believe what he tells you when he says he doesnít want to date. Whether or not school and work is the reason heís lost interest and unfortunately that happens. It just means this was more of a lust filled situation then an actual connection.

    Donít give up you will find the one who doesnít do a hot and cold run.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I have to wonder if he reconnected with a woman from his hometown.

    But ask him when he gets back. It's not nice for him to play with people's feelings like that.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Do you think he thinks you text too much? Maybe he was overwhelmed at the attention you needed. I don't know because I don't know how often you sent him a text. It sounds like you were always the first one to text. Did you ever give him the chance to reach out first?

    For his part, he ran hot for only a brief time, and either ran cold because he's just not ready to put in the effort it takes to be a boyfriend, or he's found a new woman who has taken his interest at wherever he's visiting, or he thinks you're overly focused on him and are making him the sole center of your happiness. It could be something else altogether, but those are my guesses.

    A person can have more than one priority in life. I'm guessing this is an excuse because perhaps you've let the newness of the relationship consume you. I can see that this might be the case because instead of walking away after he mentioned basically walking away from the relationship, that you're asking him to talk to you because you don't want that happening. While dating him, did you spend less time or no time with your friends? Did you let all of your interests and social life slide in order to spend all your time with him? If so, that's smothering behavior.

    If a guy expressed something to me like he did to you, I'd let him go. Young relationships like this rarely last for the longterm anyway. A person usually has many relationships, and end up learning from each, before finally settling down. Good luck and I hope you have many wonderful times in 2020.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Take a hint. His actions or lack thereof speak louder than words. He's fading out of your life and you need to get his message. He's no longer interested in you.

    You also need to appreciate his honesty regarding how he explained that he's not sure if he wants to date anymore, he's starting grad school and work so you won't be a priority in his life. He's actually being considerate by telling you now that he doesn't want you to feel secondary or less than secondary in his upcoming very hectic life. A good connection means nothing is there is not enough brain space and time for you or anyone.

    Talk about this when he gets back from his trip but don't force this relationship on him. You need to go with his common sense gut feelings. He is being practical. I'll give him that.

    In the future, it will be better to be with a guy who has less on plate meaning not juggling so many balls up in the air such as a relationship, college, and work. It's a lot and very stressful. I'm sure there are success stories out there but usually relationships endure when there's less pressure from so many simultaneous responsibilities all at once. Some people can handle multiple facets in their life whereas a lot of people have to drop something and usually it's the relationship that is sacrificed.

    And here's a tip: For future guys, limit your electronic communication. Some people don't want to be hounded nor expected to partake in relentless texting, voice mails, emails, messages, social media, etc. Back off and give people time and space and breathing room otherwise some people feel smothered and suffocated due to excessive contact.

    Remain mysterious, have allure and don't make yourself too available. You'll keep the interest going longer this way.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Perhaps he's honest (about starting grad school and work and priorities) and perhaps he's not. It doesn't really matter. What matters is his actions. An old month long relationship should be fun and interesting and this one is not. Let him be. If he gets in touch when he's back, meet him and see what he's about. If not, move on. Personally, after what he said, I would consider myself single and start dating again.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Does he have a gf back home? Next time try not to jump in this fast. Wait to get to know someone a bit first and have the exclusive conversation before sex. Block and delete him and consider it over. It sounds like he led you on a bit, so he may contact you for sex again when he gets back from his family.
    Originally Posted by noelly216
    he had a trip planned to go visit his family for 18 days. I finally spoke up and asked if we were still on the same page as when he left. He said that he wasnít sure he wanted to date anymore but he likes me

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    When they run hot-and-cold, it suggests his love level for you is low, which is not good.

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