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Thread: My fiancé’s past.

  1. #1

    My fiancé’s past.

    Hi I have been dating my fiancé for 11 months. We have had a great relationship so I asked her to marry me. She loves my 4 1/2 year old son and has been super supportive during a long custody battle with my ex.
    2 problems, 1. My fiancé is a binge drinking alcoholic. She doesn’t drink everyday, but when she does it’s usually a 2 day bender. Bad too, like passed out fall on the floor drunk. She has been like this at least 3-4 times in front of my son.
    2. She gave me access to her phone about 4 months ago and I found a bunch of old text messages that go back to 2015??? From guys she had sex with. One night stands drunken hook ups and even a married guy. The married guy she told me about, but the story was she didn’t know he was married and after she found out she broke it off with him. That was not what the text messages showed. She knew he was married and even kept the relationship going after she broke it off with him. Then came back in a later messages to say she misses him and thinks about him often. But she told me a different story. Keep in mind there have been no other messages from any other guy than me. Also no photos of her or any other guys. Just me and my son. She has basically lived with me for the past 4 months and has given me everything of her. I feel she does love me like no other. One reason is I have broken up with her 4 times and told her no more drinking and no more traveling for work. She has promised to seek help for her drinking and states she will not make it in life without me.
    I think she is ready to settle down (she is 42 I am 46) most of her sexual activity was when she traveled and lived in other places. I am no saint myself, if someone found out about my sexual past they may have concerns themselves. There is a ton more I found out about her but there is not enough space on this post.
    My heart is a bit broken by the way she treated herself. But she had a bad dad growing up and has had 2 suicide attempts in her life. Just the other day she was talking to her friend about the time when she was 16 and overdosed at Buring Man. Heartbreak.... she’s so sweet and beautiful to me and my son but this plus the alcoholic behavior is scaring the S out of me. I don’t think I would have asked her to marry me if I knew this about her before I gave her the ring.
    Any advice would be helpful? Thanks everybody.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I wouldn’t burden your son with an alcoholic step mother. That will lead to bad mental health consequences for him. Plus a bad example. I know no one ones perfect but you have to draw the line somewhere.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    What happens when you’re away one day and she is alone with him and she is passed out on the floor and he gets injured or killed or someone reports it to child services?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Yeah, I've got some advice. Be a ****in' decent father. There's zero excuse for you keeping this woman in your child's life after the first time she passed out drunk in front of him. Never mind the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th times.

    I mean you've obviously got your own problems if you're failing your son this hard, proposing to women after 11 months, and going through 4+ years of your partner's SMS history. But at this point, you need to be looking out for your child, point blank. As in forget encouraging her to go to AA. Don't gamble your child's life on her sobriety. Get out, get some therapy, and make better choices. Your kid will become a statistic at this rate.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    To add to that never pick a partner who is a project that you have to put together.

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    The title of this should be corrected to “My Fiancee’s Present “

    She is a binge drinker. This behavior should not be happening in front of your son. Ever.

    Your first priority is the safety and wellness of your son.

    By bringing people with alcohol challenges into his life, you risk damaging him, your relationship with him, and your custody privileges.

    Yes, I am sure you love your fiancée. Yes, she may be a lovely person when she is sober. But- until she hits bottom and goes through rehab and is completely clean and sober, you are essentially bringing trauma around your son.

    I’ve been there. My niece is a binge drinker. Along with that comes the trips to the hospital to get treatment for alcohol poisoning. Strange men brought home. Frantic calls for help in the middle of the night because she chose to drink with a stranger and now he is beating her. I could go on and on.

    When binge drinking happens, there is no judgement or reasoning, so your gf might end up with someone else for the night, and not even remember in the morning.

    Find the strength within you to break it off with her.

    Then, please get yourself in counseling to explore why you are choosing to be in such a dysfunctional relationship.

    If you continue with this relationship, you will likely lose custody of your son. Think of your son and provide a healthy environment for him!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. She may be a nice woman but there are a great many red flags here. First of all rushing in this fast. 44 weeks is not long enough to consider marriage. It's also too soon for her to spend this much time with your child.

    The drinking is also something to seriously consider in generally but also having someone like this around your child. Never choose someone on the basis of being so broken that they put up with a contentious battle with your ex. She also has a significant psychiatric history.

    You need to stay away from her and most definitely keep her away from your child. If the courts find out what you are exposing your child to with this damaged alcoholic woman you may lose custody altogether. Think of your child first.
    Originally Posted by Myownhead
    dating my fiancé for 11 months.
    She loves my 4 1/2 year old son and has been super supportive during a long custody battle with my ex.
    My fiancé is a binge drinking alcoholic. She has been like this at least 3-4 times in front of my son.
    2 suicide attempts in her life. J

  9. #8
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    You would be very foolish to marry this woman. It won’t end well and it will hurt your son in the long-run.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Myownhead
    My fiancé is a binge drinking alcoholic...
    she had a bad dad growing up and...
    has had 2 suicide attempts in her life
    You and Your son doesn't need a step mom or wife that is a total project. You may want to spend some time figuring out why you choose the women that you do. And if you can't help yourself, help your son. You son should NEVER EVER be made to live in such a dangerous situation.

    Just AL-ANON - [Register to see the link] - you have issues to work through especially with thinking it's okay to date a blackout drunk alcoholic

    The Effects of Parental Alcoholism on Children: [Register to see the link]

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Many would consider her alcoholism a deal breaker.

    Also, everybody has baggage, but some have too much.... so make sure she does not have too much.

    I'd wait to marry her until she goes through an AA program and gets some counseling.

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