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My fiancé’s past.


Myownhead

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Hi I have been dating my fiancé for 11 months. We have had a great relationship so I asked her to marry me. She loves my 4 1/2 year old son and has been super supportive during a long custody battle with my ex.

2 problems, 1. My fiancé is a binge drinking alcoholic. She doesn’t drink everyday, but when she does it’s usually a 2 day bender. Bad too, like passed out fall on the floor drunk. She has been like this at least 3-4 times in front of my son.

2. She gave me access to her phone about 4 months ago and I found a bunch of old text messages that go back to 2015??? From guys she had sex with. One night stands drunken hook ups and even a married guy. The married guy she told me about, but the story was she didn’t know he was married and after she found out she broke it off with him. That was not what the text messages showed. She knew he was married and even kept the relationship going after she broke it off with him. Then came back in a later messages to say she misses him and thinks about him often. But she told me a different story. Keep in mind there have been no other messages from any other guy than me. Also no photos of her or any other guys. Just me and my son. She has basically lived with me for the past 4 months and has given me everything of her. I feel she does love me like no other. One reason is I have broken up with her 4 times and told her no more drinking and no more traveling for work. She has promised to seek help for her drinking and states she will not make it in life without me.

I think she is ready to settle down (she is 42 I am 46) most of her sexual activity was when she traveled and lived in other places. I am no saint myself, if someone found out about my sexual past they may have concerns themselves. There is a ton more I found out about her but there is not enough space on this post.

My heart is a bit broken by the way she treated herself. But she had a bad dad growing up and has had 2 suicide attempts in her life. Just the other day she was talking to her friend about the time when she was 16 and overdosed at Buring Man. Heartbreak.... she’s so sweet and beautiful to me and my son but this plus the alcoholic behavior is scaring the S out of me. I don’t think I would have asked her to marry me if I knew this about her before I gave her the ring.

Any advice would be helpful? Thanks everybody.

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Yeah, I've got some advice. Be a ****in' decent father. There's zero excuse for you keeping this woman in your child's life after the first time she passed out drunk in front of him. Never mind the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th times.

 

I mean you've obviously got your own problems if you're failing your son this hard, proposing to women after 11 months, and going through 4+ years of your partner's SMS history. But at this point, you need to be looking out for your child, point blank. As in forget encouraging her to go to AA. Don't gamble your child's life on her sobriety. Get out, get some therapy, and make better choices. Your kid will become a statistic at this rate.

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The title of this should be corrected to “My Fiancee’s Present “

 

She is a binge drinker. This behavior should not be happening in front of your son. Ever.

 

Your first priority is the safety and wellness of your son.

 

By bringing people with alcohol challenges into his life, you risk damaging him, your relationship with him, and your custody privileges.

 

Yes, I am sure you love your fiancée. Yes, she may be a lovely person when she is sober. But- until she hits bottom and goes through rehab and is completely clean and sober, you are essentially bringing trauma around your son.

 

I’ve been there. My niece is a binge drinker. Along with that comes the trips to the hospital to get treatment for alcohol poisoning. Strange men brought home. Frantic calls for help in the middle of the night because she chose to drink with a stranger and now he is beating her. I could go on and on.

 

When binge drinking happens, there is no judgement or reasoning, so your gf might end up with someone else for the night, and not even remember in the morning.

 

Find the strength within you to break it off with her.

 

Then, please get yourself in counseling to explore why you are choosing to be in such a dysfunctional relationship.

 

If you continue with this relationship, you will likely lose custody of your son. Think of your son and provide a healthy environment for him!

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Sorry to hear this. She may be a nice woman but there are a great many red flags here. First of all rushing in this fast. 44 weeks is not long enough to consider marriage. It's also too soon for her to spend this much time with your child.

 

The drinking is also something to seriously consider in generally but also having someone like this around your child. Never choose someone on the basis of being so broken that they put up with a contentious battle with your ex. She also has a significant psychiatric history.

 

You need to stay away from her and most definitely keep her away from your child. If the courts find out what you are exposing your child to with this damaged alcoholic woman you may lose custody altogether. Think of your child first.

dating my fiancé for 11 months.

She loves my 4 1/2 year old son and has been super supportive during a long custody battle with my ex.

My fiancé is a binge drinking alcoholic. She has been like this at least 3-4 times in front of my son.

2 suicide attempts in her life. J

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My fiancé is a binge drinking alcoholic...

she had a bad dad growing up and...

has had 2 suicide attempts in her life

 

You and Your son doesn't need a step mom or wife that is a total project. You may want to spend some time figuring out why you choose the women that you do. And if you can't help yourself, help your son. You son should NEVER EVER be made to live in such a dangerous situation.

 

Just AL-ANON - https://al-anon.org - you have issues to work through especially with thinking it's okay to date a blackout drunk alcoholic

 

The Effects of Parental Alcoholism on Children: https://www.verywellmind.com/the-effects-of-parental-alcoholism-on-children-67233

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This isn't her "past," it is her present.

 

What are you thinking, it is certainly not in your child's best interest. The first drinking incident , should have been the last. Time to put your kid first!

 

Also, getting engaged at 7 months is nuts. You should have waited at least a year. And, many do not introduce their kids until the. 6 month marker.

 

Step it up as a parent!

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1) You have not known her long enough to propose, even if she was perfect in every way.

2) you are bringing alcoholism into your child's life. an ex family member had their life pretty together -- except they would have "lost weekends". It affected more than just them including their spouse. A child should not be voluntarily subjected to that (a new stepmom is a voluntary addition) What if when the child is older and comes home from an activity to find his stepmom passed out in the tub?

3) I thought you were a lot younger from the description but being that you are in your 40s, the things she texted just a couple of years ago isn't youthful mistakes -- its the actions of a mature, adult woman.

 

I think that marriage is a big mistake

 

accepting your son is NOT the only important thing. its the first requirement, but not the only.

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I think you know the answer yourself but you want to hear it outloud from someone else.

You can't marry this woman.

 

She is toxic to herself, and toxic to your son and to you.

What is at the top of the list is YOUR SON. She behaves terribly around him. A fall down drunk is one thing, but to do it in front of a child, is incredibly selfish and this is her own decision, make no mistake about that.

 

It's not her sad upbringing, it's not her father, it's not any other kind of excuse...this is HER fault and HER choices to be behaving this badly.

To be honest, she should have only been allowed to make this mistake...ONCE. After that, you should have kept her far far away from your child until she received proper help (and by proper help, I mean go into rehab, have not a drop of alcohol in her for months and have had plenty of counselling and gain some control, before she was ever allowed near your child again!).

 

YOU are allowing someone who is not well, to be around your son and you need to get much stronger boundaries as this will affect your son very badly and will cause trauma that will mold who he becomes.

Tread very carefully on what you allow, children only have one chance at a childhood and a foundation so that they will continue on to have a decent adult life.

You mess them up, that's it.

 

Secondly, she has lied and lied. You cannot trust someone who has lied this much, and you know it.

There is no excuse to why she lied. The bottom line is, she is not adult enough to admit to her faults or to tell you truths about herself.

How can you marry someone knowing this?

You might want to believe that she won't continue this behavior once married, but there are no guarantees and if you are wrong, you will have a he11 of a life.

 

These reasons alone are reasons to end things with her.

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Tell her exactly how you feel, be completely honest and cancel the engagement. If she decides to keep the ring, it's a heck of a lot LESS expensive than proceeding with marriage to her! Think about THAT COST!

 

She needs to attend AA meetings and fix herself. Never try to be in hero mode and save her nor anybody. It's her life and you're not responsible to fix her issues, addictions or whatever it is. That's all on her. She is responsible for her own life; not drag you down with her into an abyss.

 

Be smart and think about how you can read the writing on the wall on this one. Think about YOUR future. Do you want to be miserable with her or do you want less stress and more sanity? The choice is yours.

 

Once you marry her, you'll be trapped in a hot mess. It is far more difficult to dissolve a marriage than your ability to dissolve the engagement NOW. Be smart.

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There is a support group for people who love alcoholics. It’s called Alanon and if you are interested you can do an internet search and find several local meetings each week. I’ve seen people who attend grow in profound and demonstrable ways.... May be worth investigating.

 

I can’t knowledgeably speak to the texting situation your fiancé has going on; but as a recovered alcoholic I can say that I personally never stayed faithful when I was drinking...

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Thank you that’s very helpful. I am attending my first alanon meeting Monday.

 

That's great.

But still don't marry her. hopefully al-anon will help you with reality when people share stories of people they cannot simply leave like a child or parent. Maybe that will convince you to walk away and save your child

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Thank you. Your right I needed to hear this out loud. I know it won’t change it’s too big of a problem so late in her life. If this is the start of the change it’s a long road. The engagement was intended to be a very long one before we did anything. I guess I was hopping to show her she matters to someone, but this may be too big for me to handle. Thanks again.

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Thank you. Your right I needed to hear this out loud. I know it won’t change it’s too big of a problem so late in her life. If this is the start of the change it’s a long road. The engagement was intended to be a very long one before we did anything. I guess I was hopping to show her she matters to someone, but this may be too big for me to handle. Thanks again.

 

Very long engagements are for very young people who were excited to get engaged but are promising to their parents to finish trade school before they wed, for people who met as college students but are from different countries and its going to take a few years to figure out where to be in the same place. For two adults in their mid 40s, you should not use an engagement as a courtship period. Engaged means you are choosing a wedding date and its the period between securing the officiant and walking down the aisle. Its way too much for your son to be having this woman in his life so quickly as well. I hope you are strong enough to break the engagemet.

 

 

I guess I was hopping to show her she matters to someone

 

Look up codependency. you are putting someone else's emotions over your and your son's personal well being. it is only downhill from there. She is not a stray cat to adopt and show love to so they can thrive. She is a grown woman who before 11 months ago managed to survive on her own

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It is not your job to make her feel like she matters it IS however your job to make sure your son feel like he matters.

 

Yes, her parents failed her (or her disease and impulsiveness that she has despite their good support and upbringing they provided) - its time to not fail your son

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Yes, her parents failed her (or her disease and impulsiveness that she has despite their good support and upbringing they provided) - its time to not fail your son

 

I agree. Her parents probably failed her . Mine failed me miserably so I made damned sure not to fail my child.

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