Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 32

Thread: My fiancé’s past.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,456
    This isn't her "past," it is her present.

    What are you thinking, it is certainly not in your child's best interest. The first drinking incident , should have been the last. Time to put your kid first!

    Also, getting engaged at 7 months is nuts. You should have waited at least a year. And, many do not introduce their kids until the. 6 month marker.

    Step it up as a parent!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-03-2020 at 01:12 PM.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,274
    Gender
    Female
    What are you thinking? Dont marry this woman, she's an alcoholic and a terrible influence on your child. No kid should be subjected to someone like her. Not only is is far too soon to call yourself engaged, it's such a bad idea. It wont work.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,622
    Gender
    Female
    1) You have not known her long enough to propose, even if she was perfect in every way.
    2) you are bringing alcoholism into your child's life. an ex family member had their life pretty together -- except they would have "lost weekends". It affected more than just them including their spouse. A child should not be voluntarily subjected to that (a new stepmom is a voluntary addition) What if when the child is older and comes home from an activity to find his stepmom passed out in the tub?
    3) I thought you were a lot younger from the description but being that you are in your 40s, the things she texted just a couple of years ago isn't youthful mistakes -- its the actions of a mature, adult woman.

    I think that marriage is a big mistake

    accepting your son is NOT the only important thing. its the first requirement, but not the only.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,386
    You seem more upset about the messages to other men from years ago than you do about her being passed out drunk on the floor in front of your very young child.

    Why is that?

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,353
    I think you know the answer yourself but you want to hear it outloud from someone else.
    You can't marry this woman.

    She is toxic to herself, and toxic to your son and to you.
    What is at the top of the list is YOUR SON. She behaves terribly around him. A fall down drunk is one thing, but to do it in front of a child, is incredibly selfish and this is her own decision, make no mistake about that.

    It's not her sad upbringing, it's not her father, it's not any other kind of excuse...this is HER fault and HER choices to be behaving this badly.
    To be honest, she should have only been allowed to make this mistake...ONCE. After that, you should have kept her far far away from your child until she received proper help (and by proper help, I mean go into rehab, have not a drop of alcohol in her for months and have had plenty of counselling and gain some control, before she was ever allowed near your child again!).

    YOU are allowing someone who is not well, to be around your son and you need to get much stronger boundaries as this will affect your son very badly and will cause trauma that will mold who he becomes.
    Tread very carefully on what you allow, children only have one chance at a childhood and a foundation so that they will continue on to have a decent adult life.
    You mess them up, that's it.

    Secondly, she has lied and lied. You cannot trust someone who has lied this much, and you know it.
    There is no excuse to why she lied. The bottom line is, she is not adult enough to admit to her faults or to tell you truths about herself.
    How can you marry someone knowing this?
    You might want to believe that she won't continue this behavior once married, but there are no guarantees and if you are wrong, you will have a he11 of a life.

    These reasons alone are reasons to end things with her.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Somewhere Out There
    Age
    37
    Posts
    1,846
    Gender
    Female
    She’s not going to change once you’re married. Problems like this just don’t go away because you walked down the aisle. If anything it will be worse. Please keep that in mind.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,008
    Tell her exactly how you feel, be completely honest and cancel the engagement. If she decides to keep the ring, it's a heck of a lot LESS expensive than proceeding with marriage to her! Think about THAT COST!

    She needs to attend AA meetings and fix herself. Never try to be in hero mode and save her nor anybody. It's her life and you're not responsible to fix her issues, addictions or whatever it is. That's all on her. She is responsible for her own life; not drag you down with her into an abyss.

    Be smart and think about how you can read the writing on the wall on this one. Think about YOUR future. Do you want to be miserable with her or do you want less stress and more sanity? The choice is yours.

    Once you marry her, you'll be trapped in a hot mess. It is far more difficult to dissolve a marriage than your ability to dissolve the engagement NOW. Be smart.

  9. #18
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    428
    Gender
    Male
    There is a support group for people who love alcoholics. It’s called Alanon and if you are interested you can do an internet search and find several local meetings each week. I’ve seen people who attend grow in profound and demonstrable ways.... May be worth investigating.

    I can’t knowledgeably speak to the texting situation your fiancé has going on; but as a recovered alcoholic I can say that I personally never stayed faithful when I was drinking...

  10. #19
    Thank you that’s very helpful. I am attending my first alanon meeting Monday.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,622
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Myownhead
    Thank you that’s very helpful. I am attending my first alanon meeting Monday.
    That's great.
    But still don't marry her. hopefully al-anon will help you with reality when people share stories of people they cannot simply leave like a child or parent. Maybe that will convince you to walk away and save your child

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •