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Trying for baby leading husband to not want sex


RoseP

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Hello,

 

I hope I can get some advice to help with our sex life. My husband and I have been together over 10 years now (from early 20s) and still love each other very much. We decided to start trying for a family about 6 months ago. In that time, I'd noticed that our sex life had taken a dip. It would be good if we had sex more than once a month... A lot of the time we did have sex, he wouldn't finish (would lose his rhythm or slip out, which broke his mood). I had suspicions that my husband was masturbating more (I had heard him or walked in on him a few times) and while I see nothing wrong with that, it hurt when I started thinking he was doing that rather than having sex with me.

 

A couple of nights ago I was in the mood and he wasn't, but I woke up in the morning to him having fun with himself.. I was very hurt and upset, and we did talk about it. Long story short, he has felt there has been more of an expectation on him to perform, which got him anxious and over thinking things, which meant he couldn't get it up when we were going to have sex. This has been going on even before we started trying for a family (we had been talking about trying before making the decision 6 months ago). I've read this can be an issue with guys when family planning comes along.

 

He said he was embarrassed to talk about it, which is why he didn't bring it up. Unfortunately by doing that, I just felt like I wasn't good enough for him anymore because he would rather masturbate by himself than have sex with me. It has knocked my self-esteem a bit and I don't feel very sexy or attractive right now.. He has said that he definitely still finds me very attractive, and it's just the pressure to perform has lead to this.

 

We did feel better after talking it out, but after feeling this way for months it's hard to shake feeling unattractive. I'm tearing up writing this, I'm more hurt than I realized..

 

Any tips on getting our sex life going again? Or even to help my self-esteem a bit? Our sex life used to be amazing.. Thank you..

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You need couples therapy. Things are not out in the open. It's time to discuss true feelings about intimacy and starting a family. It sounds one-sided.

 

Do you mean one sided as in wanting to start a family? If so, he has been broody for a family for years. We wanted to be at a certain point financially first, which we finally got to, so we started planning. He mentioned it's because some people know we are trying it's adding to the pressure (not that we're talking about our sex life in the open, just mentioned in passing to a family member that we were thinking of trying soon when they asked the usual question on "any plans for babies?"). It's not something that bothers me, but it does bother him (now that he has told me it has).

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So everything is fine and he doesn't have performance issues due to pressure? Which is it?

he has been broody for a family for years. We wanted to be at a certain point financially first, which we finally got to, so we started planning.. It's not something that bothers me, but it does bother him
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Have you two ever experienced an accidental/unwanted pregnancy during your relationship?

 

Very early on in our relationship (in the first year) we thought I might have gotten pregnant but I wasn't. I've taken the plan-b pill a few times over the last 10 years as a precaution for slip ups, but nothing outside of that.

 

I got sick about 4 months ago (nothing serious) but while I was at the Dr they got me to take a pregnancy test just to be sure that wasn't the issue (it was negative). He said afterward that he was disappointed it wasn't positive (even though we knew it would be negative since my period just stopped about 4 days before).

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So everything is fine and he doesn't have performance issues due to pressure? Which is it?

 

Sorry if I confused things. There are performance issues, but it's not because he doesn't want a family. It's the pressure of the expectation of performing when we have sex now because we want a baby. Sex feels more like a task now than just doing it for fun (this came up during our chat that I mentioned in the first post).

 

It's the pressure of expectation that has dulled his libido with me.. Even though he says he still enjoys sex when we do have it.

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Very early on in our relationship (in the first year) we thought I might have gotten pregnant but I wasn't. I've taken the plan-b pill a few times over the last 10 years as a precaution for slip ups, but nothing outside of that.

 

I got sick about 4 months ago (nothing serious) but while I was at the Dr they got me to take a pregnancy test just to be sure that wasn't the issue (it was negative). He said afterward that he was disappointed it wasn't positive (even though we knew it would be negative since my period just stopped about 4 days before).

 

Yes and I wonder whether some of those scares and the aftermath -you having to go get Plan B are weighing on him in some way.

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Yes and I wonder whether some of those scares and the aftermath -you having to go get Plan B are weighing on him in some way.

 

It might be worth bringing it up with him. He never mentioned this being an issue, but maybe it is without him realizing it..

 

I'm still trying to shake the feeling that it's me and that I don't fulfill his desires anymore, even though he said that isn't the problem.. I'm trying to let it go, but it's hard..

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So you can't afford or he refuses to go to marriage therapy? What is (and is not) happening in the bedroom is a reflection of problems that you seem unwilling to realize. Is it possible he's lost interest in you or that there is someone else? This is not about making babies, it's about losing interest and a breakdown in intimacy.

 

It sounds like he is no longer attracted to you. But you seem in 'let's make a baby' mode. Is there a new friend or coworker he talks about? He seems to prefer fantasy to you. It's not about conception and you must realize this at some level.

It's the pressure of the expectation of performing when we have sex now because we want a baby. Sex feels more like a task
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Are you doing a fertility/ovulation monitor? I didn't when we were trying -just had a sex a great deal lol. But I know the monitoring can feel pressured. Do you feel attractive?

We didn't use one for a while since we said we would see how it goes. We said we'd pick one up in December if nothing had happened by then. I do feel like that has added to the feeling of it being a pressure thing :/

 

I thought we would be having more sex and wouldn't need the monitor but the frequency fell to maybe once or twice a month.. I do miss the sex, he's great at it when he wants it.

 

At the moment I don't feel attractive.. I think it's because of feeling like he doesn't enjoy sex with me anymore (again he says he does, but it's hard to shake it after feeling this way for a couple of months now).

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So you can't afford or he refuses to go to marriage therapy? What is (and is not) happening in the bedroom is a reflection of problems that you seem unwilling to realize. Is it possible he's lost interest in you or that there is someone else? This is not about making babies, it's about losing interest and a breakdown in intimacy.

 

It sounds like he is no longer attracted to you. But you seem in 'let's make a baby' mode. Is there a new friend or coworker he talks about? He seems to prefer fantasy to you. It's not about conception and you must realize this at some level.

 

We haven't thought of going to therapy, since this really only all came to light a couple of nights ago. It might be worth looking into.. He does watch something when he is masturbating, but I don't know what.. I've heard that too much porn can lead to issues with sex because of unrealistic expectations, or what he has become used to being aroused by.. Maybe I should ask him what he watches and maybe we can watch together..

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Your marriage is not what you think it is. He is quickly losing attraction for you but you seem blind to it. It's not about babies, it's not about porn. It's about your marriage is breaking down but having your head in the sand and keeping up the facade seems to help you deal with his waning interest in you and the marriage.

We haven't thought of going to therapy, since this really only all came to light a couple of nights ago.He does watch something when he is masturbating, but I don't know what.
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Your marriage is not what you think it is. He is quickly losing attraction for you but you seem blind to it. It's not about babies, it's not about porn. It's about your marriage is breaking down but having your head in the sand and keeping up the facade seems to help you deal with his waning interest in you and the marriage.

 

I'm not blind to it.. One of the reasons I'm here asking for advice is because I felt he wasn't physically attracted to me anymore.. I know there's an issue. I really don't think it goes as far as the marriage breaking down, everything else in our relationship is great..

 

I don't know what facade you think I'm putting on.. I'm saying it as it is here.. I'm not even putting pressure on him when it comes to starting a family (he was the one that wanted to try the ovulation monitor when I said they exist) and it'll happen when it happens. It's just hard for it to happen when we're not having sex very often..

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Agree that he is no longer attracted. Marriage therapy may uncover why. This is not about porn or ovulation monitors. He is not interested in sex (with you) and you need to find out why. Perhaps it's that you are difficult to talk to, perhaps you are in your own world, perhaps there is someone else, who knows?. Perhaps you don't enjoy sex?

I felt he wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. ovulation monitor when I said they exist. It's just hard for it to happen when we're not having sex very often..
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Agree that he is no longer attracted. Marriage therapy may uncover why. This is not about porn or ovulation monitors. He is not interested in sex (with you) and you need to find out why. Perhaps it's that you are difficult to talk to, perhaps you are in your own world, perhaps there is someone else, who knows?. Perhaps you don't enjoy sex?

 

Yeah we need to know why... He is saying it's the pressure, and I did ask him if there were any other reasons (like not finding me attractive, or I wasn't good enough, and I said I worry that maybe because the attraction doesn't seem to be there, would he go to someone else... He said no to all of these).

 

I definitely enjoy sex with him, I'm worried that he doesn't with me.. I know confidence is attractive, but it's hard to feel confident when I feel unattractive right now..

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Yeah we need to know why... He is saying it's the pressure, and I did ask him if there were any other reasons (like not finding me attractive, or I wasn't good enough, and I said I worry that maybe because the attraction doesn't seem to be there, would he go to someone else... He said no to all of these).

 

I definitely enjoy sex with him, I'm worried that he doesn't with me.. I know confidence is attractive, but it's hard to feel confident when I feel unattractive right now..

 

Do you feel unattractive because of physical changes? Also are you both sure you want children for the right reasons?

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Sorry about this moment.

 

I don’t agree with this being an issue of him totally losing attraction or your marriage unraveling, but more him losing his mojo in the face of pressure. Pressure to preform, pressure to be a dad, pressure to be “leveling up” in a way that, while exciting, is pretty unnerving. And perhaps the pressure to do something—having a child—that he’s not sure he wants to do. Very common, really, especially in “broody” men who struggle with talking freely and openly about their feelings. I’ve seen it in some of my friends at this stage, particularly those who have had trouble conceiving.

 

Hard part is addressing it in a way that doesn’t increase pressure. He can do that on his own, through masturbation, but that’s of course quite limited. Masturbation, while great and human, is a bit like going for a run or having a beer to unwind: it’s personal, not interpersonal, and as such can create divides rather than bridge them. While a long run is more healthy individually than a few beers, it doesn’t contribute to the health of mutual intimacy if the “relief” only exists in a vacuum.

 

Question: have you or him talked about ED pills? I know plenty of men who love them, going back to my 20s, as a little assist in lessening pressure and getting back in the groove. For some it’s early in dating, for others it’s during conception. Doesn’t need to be seen as some verdict on his masculinity, but just a little pick me up, no different than the occasional Advil to lessen the pressure of a headache or a touch of melatonin to get a good night’s sleep. Could be a game-changer if he’s not the sort of dude who can “get off” on exploring things with more nuance, as in therapy.

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Has he ever expressed any reservations or concerns about having a baby? And have you brushed aside his concerns or assured him that it will be fine and there's nothing to worry about?

 

I would ask him sincerely and really LISTEN to what he has to say. Don't interrupt, brush aside or dismiss his concerns. Really listen. Then discuss his concerns calmly.

 

Don't get so caught up in "baby fever" that you forget to hear him.

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