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Failed again


Boo1986

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Please don't get angry at me first off, i know i ask alot of questions but.... is looks what would be stopping me from getting a bf? Im Not that ugly but i just struggle so much. Example of what happened lately, met a guy from online, he said i looked like pics (which usually say i do, so I think that js ok) he seemed to like me then went all weird and would call message all the time but no meet up again in a moment of drunken weakness we were texting and it got flirty and he said could he come over and i said yes and it was agreed more else it was just for "fun". I told him id never done that before but what the hell I'm so over life atm i thougjt why not. So he comes over and makes absolutely nooo move at all, we ended up playing board games for 4 hours. He asked if i would walk him out when he left and gave me a hug then a proper kiss and text me when he got home but now hes gone all weird again and i feel like he must think I'm that gross he didn't even want to use me for sex which i basically agreed too. I thougjt guys would sleep with anything given the opportunity. I feel like a shrek and so embarrassed i can't tell anyone. And everyone says have lower standards but they were low with him, i found him attractive but my friends begged me not to meet him, so I dont think jts that I'm going for ppl way out of my league. I just feel dont know what else to do...

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Sounds like it was more about him than you....

 

Not ALL guys will sleep with anything that moves....and even the most sexy, gorgeous, good looking women have trouble because their looks actually can intimidate men...

 

So no, I don't think it's just about looks....

 

What I suggest is to not focus on relationships so much and get into doing things that make you feel good...Volunteering is always good...Connecting with nature...Learning about health and cooking...etc....Just a couple of suggestions...You'll find what works for you when you look....

 

Also, try to remove words like 'Failed', 'Hate', 'Can't'....etc from your vocabulary...You would be amazed the power that words can have on our day to day mentality....

 

Turn off the TV. Don't watch the news or current affair type shows....Start looking at stuff you're interested in on YouTube etc.....

 

Once you lift your vibration a bit, guys (and people in general) will gravitate towards you more....

 

Your time starts now*

 

Carus*

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Sounds like it was more about him than you....

 

Not ALL guys will sleep with anything that moves....and even the most sexy, gorgeous, good looking women have trouble because their looks actually can intimidate men...

 

So no, I don't think it's just about looks....

 

What I suggest is to not focus on relationships so much and get into doing things that make you feel good...Volunteering is always good...Connecting with nature...Learning about health and cooking...etc....Just a couple of suggestions...You'll find what works for you when you look....

 

Also, try to remove words like 'Failed', 'Hate', 'Can't'....etc from your vocabulary...You would be amazed the power that words can have on our day to day mentality....

 

Turn off the TV. Don't watch the news or current affair type shows....Start looking at stuff you're interested in on YouTube etc.....

 

Once you lift your vibration a bit, guys (and people in general) will gravitate towards you more....

 

Your time starts now*

 

Carus*

 

Thanks again for your advice. What do you mean it's about him?

 

Yes i have decided once again to work on myself so that situations like this dont make such a big impact on my life and self worth.

That's good advice once again about eliminating those words, this guy did comment a few times that I'm too opinionated and "hate alot of things", its just unfortunately so easy to fall back into a negative state of being.

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Why did your friends tell you this?

 

They are dating too so we share pictures stories etc of dates and they just said i could do so much better and dont waste my time, but I dont date based on ppls looks alone otherwise I think its pretty guaranteed to fail

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Stop doing this it makes no sense. Also develop a decent strategy for dating. Never meeting alternating with random hookup attempts sounds like a binge-starve cycle. Like an eating disorder applied to dating. All-or-nothing. Do you have food, eating or self image issues?

we share pictures stories etc of dates.
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Stop doing this it makes no sense. Also develop a decent strategy for dating. Never meeting alternating with random hookup attempts sounds like a binge-starve cycle. Like an eating disorder applied to dating. All-or-nothing. Do you have food, eating or self image issues?

 

Ive never met a random person like that before, not sure what i was or wasnt thinking, anyway i am glad nothing did happen in the end. I dont have food issues but most definitely self image issues. I think most of my problems stem from this tbh, if I was confident in how i looked i probably wouldnt care if someone liked me or not. And deep down i know that its not only models or good looking ppl that find love, if someone doesnt like me I always assume its because they think I'm ugly and they are not attracted to me. With this guy when he wouldn't message back quick enough id say bye and good luck which i know is immature I just feel like if i push them away first I won't feel bad if they reject me.

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You have it all backwards.

 

if a guy thinks you're not worth it or a throw away, he will use you for the night and not care, if he is a gentleman and is shy around you, it's a very good sign and means he respects you and wants something more special than just one night.

 

You should have been feeling glad that he didn't want to use you for the night.

Has he gotten a hold of you since?

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Therapy would be a much better idea than asking your friends what they think. As long as you insist on this type of mirror-mirror vanity and superficial attitudes, you'll only attract jerks. Stop asking men about your looks. Stop asking your friends about men's looks.

 

Have you considered that things go nowhere because of self-absorption and conceit? Get to a doctor for an evaluation and to a psychiatrist to evaluate issues with mood and image distortions. Stop dating. Don't inflict this on innocent guys. Stop using guys as some sort of weird beauty contest for yourself.

if I was confident in how i looked i probably wouldnt care if someone liked me or not. if someone doesnt like me I always assume its because they think I'm ugly and they are not attracted to me.
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You have it all backwards.

 

if a guy thinks you're not worth it or a throw away, he will use you for the night and not care, if he is a gentleman and is shy around you, it's a very good sign and means he respects you and wants something more special than just one night.

 

You should have been feeling glad that he didn't want to use you for the night.

Has he gotten a hold of you since?

 

I agree and how scary that you would go to a stranger's home!! This has nothing to do with pursuing dating -it has everything to do with taking unnecessary risks with your safety and is not an example of whether you are attractive enough for dating. Going to a stranger's home for a hook up has nothing to do with dating or pursuing a relationship -you were just pursuing some need to hook up and check out some guy you thought looked attractive. Hopefully you still weren't drunk when you got there. No I would not blame you if you'd been assaulted or raped and at the same time please take more responsibility for your personal safety.

 

Also please don't make such offensive comments about guys and sex. It's not true. I have many examples of it including my own husband. If you truly feel that way about guys consider that a true relationship includes respect and admiration of one's partner and if you think a man would act like an animal and have sex given any opportunity then how are you going to respect and admire your future partner?? Men are individuals. Some men and women choose not to practice self-control and will have sex in very risky situations - just like you chose to go to a stranger's home for a hook up or just like a guy might hook up with a stranger and risk STDs and pregnancy because the benefits of the pleasure during intercourse are worth the risk. Some men enjoy casual sex. So do some women.

 

I agree you did fail. You failed yourself and you failed your opportunity for good judgment and a positive experience -positive would have been treating yourself with respect and making sure you are selective so that you don't indulge in this kind of "see, I failed again" cycle where you make poor and dangerous choices and set yourself up for your version of "failure" including perpetuating negative generalizations about "guys".

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Therapy would be a much better idea than asking your friends what they think. As long as you insist on this type of mirror-mirror vanity and superficial attitudes, you'll only attract jerks. Stop asking men about your looks. Stop asking your friends about men's looks.

 

So true. Why do you want the guys who only look a certain way? Your friends are giving you bad advice. They sounds heaps immature if they only focus on looks.

You should choose someone who is intelligent, kind, good hearted, etc.

Those are the qualities that matter far more than looks ever will. Don' t listen to your friends.

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I agree and how scary that you would go to a stranger's home!! This has nothing to do with pursuing dating -it has everything to do with taking unnecessary risks with your safety and is not an example of whether you are attractive enough for dating

 

Absolutely!!! Girlie...this is how women get raped and murdered! You need to be smarter than this.

 

If you want to meet a man straight away, meet him in a busy public area, don't invite him to yours or go to his.

It's extremely dangerous.

 

And stop letting alcohol make your decisions for you.

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Yes. Jump out of that litter box asap. Also take a break from reality tv, social media and other mind-rotting nonsense. You mention zero about school, work, clubs, groups, interests, volunteering or anything but what men think of your pics and looks. Get to a doctor and stop inviting strangers to your home. You want to end up happier and healthier, not in a dumpster with your pantyhose tied around your neck.

Your friends are giving you bad advice. They sounds heaps immature if they only focus on looks. Don' t listen to your friends.
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You have it all backwards.

 

if a guy thinks you're not worth it or a throw away, he will use you for the night and not care, if he is a gentleman and is shy around you, it's a very good sign and means he respects you and wants something more special than just one night.

 

You should have been feeling glad that he didn't want to use you for the night.

Has he gotten a hold of you since?

 

Yeh he has been in contact since, but it just feels super awkward now. I don't know if it didn't happen because he respects me, he's hard to work out.

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Therapy would be a much better idea than asking your friends what they think. As long as you insist on this type of mirror-mirror vanity and superficial attitudes, you'll only attract jerks. Stop asking men about your looks. Stop asking your friends about men's looks.

 

Have you considered that things go nowhere because of self-absorption and conceit? Get to a doctor for an evaluation and to a psychiatrist to evaluate issues with mood and image distortions. Stop dating. Don't inflict this on innocent guys. Stop using guys as some sort of weird beauty contest for yourself.

 

I never ask them what they think of me. It just seems every guy i have dated except one has made a big deal of looks. I have stopped dating again for now, i have an appt with my counsellor next week whom i will tell her what happened.

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Great!! He's been in contact..that's a really good sign.

 

Try to change your way of thinking and realize that there are gentlemen in this world who want love and romance, not just sex and women who are cheap and easy.

 

Try to get to know him properly. Talk with him, enjoy each others company. It doesn't need to go as fast as you've been told.

Slow and steady is much better and is much more promising for actual love.

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I agree and how scary that you would go to a stranger's home!! This has nothing to do with pursuing dating -it has everything to do with taking unnecessary risks with your safety and is not an example of whether you are attractive enough for dating. Going to a stranger's home for a hook up has nothing to do with dating or pursuing a relationship -you were just pursuing some need to hook up and check out some guy you thought looked attractive. Hopefully you still weren't drunk when you got there. No I would not blame you if you'd been assaulted or raped and at the same time please take more responsibility for your personal safety.

 

Also please don't make such offensive comments about guys and sex. It's not true. I have many examples of it including my own husband. If you truly feel that way about guys consider that a true relationship includes respect and admiration of one's partner and if you think a man would act like an animal and have sex given any opportunity then how are you going to respect and admire your future partner?? Men are individuals. Some men and women choose not to practice self-control and will have sex in very risky situations - just like you chose to go to a stranger's home for a hook up or just like a guy might hook up with a stranger and risk STDs and pregnancy because the benefits of the pleasure during intercourse are worth the risk. Some men enjoy casual sex. So do some women.

 

I agree you did fail. You failed yourself and you failed your opportunity for good judgment and a positive experience -positive would have been treating yourself with respect and making sure you are selective so that you don't indulge in this kind of "see, I failed again" cycle where you make poor and dangerous choices and set yourself up for your version of "failure" including perpetuating negative generalizations about "guys".

 

I didn't go to his house, he came to mine (not that that makes it any bettwr) and we had met once before this encounter. I dont think all men are like that really, i know there are lots of decent ones out there. I just assumed because I agreed to it it would happen and was kind of shocked it didn't, but ultimately glad as i would feel alot worse about myself if it did. I did fail myself, it was out of character for me to do this but just been feeling quite down lately I felt like I had nothing to lose really

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Yes. Jump out of that litter box asap. Also take a break from reality tv, social media and other mind-rotting nonsense. You mention zero about school, work, clubs, groups, interests, volunteering or anything but what men think of your pics and looks. Get to a doctor and stop inviting strangers to your home. You want to end up happier and healthier, not in a dumpster with your pantyhose tied around your neck.

 

I don't watch reality tv or have social media besides Instagram. I work, go to drawing classes, crocheting classes, have friends, and e xcercise a lot, this is just my big problem area.

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Great!! He's been in contact..that's a really good sign.

 

Try to change your way of thinking and realize that there are gentlemen in this world who want love and romance, not just sex and women who are cheap and easy.

 

Try to get to know him properly. Talk with him, enjoy each others company. It doesn't need to go as fast as you've been told.

Slow and steady is much better and is much more promising for actual love.

 

I don't think he is a great guy really, sometimes hes super nice and can have a decent convo then he reverts back to immature and suggestive and it makes me unsure what is his true side.

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I didn't go to his house, he came to mine (not that that makes it any bettwr) and we had met once before this encounter. I dont think all men are like that really, i know there are lots of decent ones out there. I just assumed because I agreed to it it would happen and was kind of shocked it didn't, but ultimately glad as i would feel alot worse about myself if it did. I did fail myself, it was out of character for me to do this but just been feeling quite down lately I felt like I had nothing to lose really

 

Yes you do have a lot to lose -your health your life and you will continue this negativity about dating and men if you keep choosing these situations. Yes it's just as bad that he came to your house as far as safety. If you don't feel all men are like that perhaps stop making comments about how guys will take any sex that is offered as you wrote in your first post. I find it's a good habit to think before I speak or write because dialing it back is doable sometimes but not all the time. Instead of back pedaling try not to express the negativity and generalizations in the first place, IMHO.

 

Edited to add -many years ago -early 90s -I worked with an unattractive looking woman in grad school -we were on the same committee and she was my supervisor- a couple of years older. She was objectively not attractive looking. Neither was her husband -he was truly geeky looking as far as physical features. They were madly in love. One day I saw she was wearing a crayola watch on her wrist and I just knew it meant she was pregnant LOL. When she told me and when she got much larger she said to me that her husband told her she was "the most beautiful pregnant woman he'd ever seen". I know he was being genuine. He loved her. Had I just focused on their physical features I might have had all sorts of surprised thoughts - wow, how did she get a man to be attracted to her and how is she attracted to him? But that's not what I am about. And yes I was in my 20s and a bit more shallow than later on in my life and still I recognized what great people they were, how much in love they were. They've been married almost 30 years -oh and they're highly successful in really meaningful and rewarding careers and have lovely grown children.

 

Do you want that? Someday? Then please stop reacting to your "I feel down what have I got to lose" by choosing situations that exacerbate your negativity and put you in harm. And maybe choose not to drink if you're serious about selecting an appropriate person to date and get to know.

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You're selling yourself cheap, Boo1986 not to mention you're setting yourself up for disaster regarding men whom you don't know well entering your home. I agree with others regarding date rape. It happens. :upset:

 

You need to take a break from seeking men to date. Work on yourself such as your career, health and be secure within your own skin. Then you will attract alike men. Hold yourself to a higher standard.

 

Don't listen to your friends since they don't have your best interests at heart. Never have lower standards otherwise you're stuck with the crumbs of society.

 

Not all guys are cut from the same cloth. There are honorable men out there who don't simply sleep with anyone who walks. There are men out there who actually respect women and treat them as ladies, not tramps.

 

If you want men out of your league, you need to be out of your current woman's league. If you desire a classy man, become a classy lady and difficult to attain. This is coming from my wise mother's advice long ago. I listened to her and got my great husband this way. Be more "expensive."

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That's what I was going to say too...how will a bunch of men banging you and using you make you feel "special" or "wanted"?

 

Come on, Boo...you know better than that and should ask for better from yourself and from life.

 

Find a man who is respectful towards you, who genuinely wants to get to know you and genuinely likes you. Getting to know someone takes a long time, as does creating a genuine relationship and to truly connect with someone. You really need to stop selling yourself short.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What you find beautiful, not everyone else will and visa versa. It really is subjective.

You don't need men to use you or to jump on you right away to prove that you are of any worth!! You have always had worth, you always mattered.

You only need one decent man who will love you properly.

 

Please give yourself that chance.

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Yes you do have a lot to lose -your health your life and you will continue this negativity about dating and men if you keep choosing these situations. Yes it's just as bad that he came to your house as far as safety. If you don't feel all men are like that perhaps stop making comments about how guys will take any sex that is offered as you wrote in your first post. I find it's a good habit to think before I speak or write because dialing it back is doable sometimes but not all the time. Instead of back pedaling try not to express the negativity and generalizations in the first place, IMHO.

 

Edited to add -many years ago -early 90s -I worked with an unattractive looking woman in grad school -we were on the same committee and she was my supervisor- a couple of years older. She was objectively not attractive looking. Neither was her husband -he was truly geeky looking as far as physical features. They were madly in love. One day I saw she was wearing a crayola watch on her wrist and I just knew it meant she was pregnant LOL. When she told me and when she got much larger she said to me that her husband told her she was "the most beautiful pregnant woman he'd ever seen". I know he was being genuine. He loved her. Had I just focused on their physical features I might have had all sorts of surprised thoughts - wow, how did she get a man to be attracted to her and how is she attracted to him? But that's not what I am about. And yes I was in my 20s and a bit more shallow than later on in my life and still I recognized what great people they were, how much in love they were. They've been married almost 30 years -oh and they're highly successful in really meaningful and rewarding careers and have lovely grown children.

 

Do you want that? Someday? Then please stop reacting to your "I feel down what have I got to lose" by choosing situations that exacerbate your negativity and put you in harm. And maybe choose not to drink if you're serious about selecting an appropriate person to date and get to know.

 

Yes of course I want that. More than anything really. I just feel like i have a major flaw where i repel the opposite sex. I know on here im quite negative but i dont talk like that when i first meet someone, im quiet upbeat and fun then once we meet or sometomes before it all goes downhill. Im also confused, do I go for ppl i find unattractive because i think i am or go for ppl i find attractice and most likely out of my league? If rejection didn't make me feel sooooo bad id put myself out there alot more, but the more rejected i get the weaker i feel and also less confident. All i want is a guy to see past the exterior and like me for my personality.

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