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Thread: How should I feel about this?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Agree. She started working full time and has college kids so she's indeed busier than previously. Either you can adapt to it or not. If you pressure her, you know she is not going to give up her jobs or kids so you may be forcing her hand. Instead of poor me I was alone, try to come up with a new adjusted schedule of seeing each other.
    I'd love to - but first day of the holidays she basically stopped communicating. I've spent two weeks in limbo wondering what's going on. Great way to spend Christmas.

  2. #22
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    She's taking the cowards way out the relationship OP. Completely cut contact with her and very slight chance she may come round but at the moment she's calling all the shots.

    Carry on with your life as if she's gone and do not be fake friends with her. It won't help you.

  3. #23
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    I still cannot comprehend why on earth are you taking this BS from her? She is being so disrespectful and you are putting up with it. Dude, where is your self respect? I understand that 3 years is a sizeable amount of time time but is this what you want? I'm sorry but no one is that busy that they cannot find time for their SO, or whatever you want to call it. Face it, I am pretty sure that she's phasing you out, or has already (so sorry) but if you want to know exactly how she feels, send her an email. I wouldn't count on a positive answer though, or even a response. Don't settle for her breadcrumbs, dude. And don't beg, please. I know it's hard to walk away but you better prepare yourself for this very real possibility. Her behaviour is selfish, rude and truly immature.

    I am sorry you didn't have a happy Christmas but you have the power to do what is right for you. But, remember, the way she's treated you is a red flag, IMHO. What more can I say?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    She's taking the cowards way out the relationship OP. Completely cut contact with her and very slight chance she may come round but at the moment she's calling all the shots.

    Carry on with your life as if she's gone and do not be fake friends with her. It won't help you.
    Yes, this ^^^

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Stdavid
    I get that. And I accept that there's no point dragging a dead relationship around.

    What I meant was: if I had only been seeing her for a month or so, I would call it quits. But after three really good years, I don't think its right not to at least try and find out if it could be fixed. Even some marriages don't last that long.
    I know what you mean... all we can do is give you perspectives. Don't feel you have to justify whatever you decide to do.

    I know when I have been on the asking for advice end of the equation, it feel like it was so hard to say what I mean or adequately express the situation.

    It's tough, you're hurting and really you just want someone to have hope with you and BELIEVE IT!

    It's really easy for us to call out a lot this stuff about you deserving more, her being a jerk, what we would do...

    It's incredibly difficult to just walk away. Especially, when you don't want to. I think its important in these situations to choose your timing.

    If you call her or visit or whatever, you don't know what you are interrupting and you are at a disadvantage.

    If you wait for her to contact you, you know two things straight away:

    1. She is available to talk
    2. she wants/is open to talking

    It's a much more powerful position. Especially, because if you want to somehow have a chance to work things out, you gotta get some respect. And that won't come from chasing her or even questioning her, or offering to be her friend (I just threw up a little)

    Space also gives you this time to wallow a little in private. If someone does not give a rats butt about me, I don't have to tell them they are killing me. Especially after 3 years.

    I really feel you have one thing on your side that she cannot deny- whatever her feelings are or you did to cause them, her actions speak VOLUMES to her character and maturity. And once you stop feeling so hurt, you will see that more clearly. I promise you.

    There is no way in human nature, she is not eventually going to realize you have not chased her.... And that's a win for you!

    I have been in your shoes. dropped flat for no reason and treated really poorly. It sucks, but it you will heal and grow from this in ways, you just can't imagine right now.

    I'm sorry. that sounds like no good news... but! when you are with someone better, you will mark my words. And say to yourself... that Lambert, she was right!

    Some people, they deal with the things the only way they know how. Not everyone has the tools and the understanding to handle things the way We deserve. We all have done horrible things that we are not proud of...

    It is not your job to teach her. it is your job to find your own happiness for yourself.

    it was a downer of a Xmas... Ok. it was. but Xmas is over. Put it behind you and focus on yourself and something to work on and get your mind off this.

    needlepoint anyone?

  7. #26
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    Wow - that's telling me like it is. Thank you.

    Seriously. This might sound nuts but I needed a degree of reassurance that this isn't normal or reasonable behaviour I'm dealing with. You are also right that I don't want to move on. There are lots of reasons for that but the effect is that I would rather take a load of crap than have to start over. It's not easy to work against that.

    Thanks again folks. Probably not what I wanted to hear but probably what I needed to hear.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Stdavid
    I've been dating a lady for three years now ... we're an older couple, in our fifties, with mostly grown up children

    In September she started working full time and kept saying that she was too busy to see me very often. Three days before Christmas she told me that she wasn't sure what she wanted from our relationship any more. Since then, I've had a couple of replies to texts I've sent her, but despite letting her know when I was going to be without my children, she's not made any effort to see me. We've spent a lot of the last three Christmasses together and she knows that unles I have my children staying over, I'm on my own. Whilst I get that she might need some time to think etc, I feel pretty hurt about the way she's left me on my own like this.

    Am I being over sensitive?
    If you say "i don't have my kids" - someone can say "okay that's nice". that means you were thinking she would suggest plans. I would have taken the bull by the horns and invited her to a plan - if she spends Christmas day wth her kids, ask her out to dinner Christmas Eve. Or whatever. That's a yes or no answer, not you stating a fact and her not biting and you wondering.

    Honestly i would not text or call her to ask her "to talk". I would invite her out on a date one time and if she declines - then that's your answer and that's that.

    I wonder if now that she is working, she has a different perspective of you -- she has either been unhappy for awhile and using it as an excuse or sees her life moving in a different direction. Or there is a guy there

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Stdavid
    Wow - that's telling me like it is. Thank you.

    Seriously. This might sound nuts but I needed a degree of reassurance that this isn't normal or reasonable behaviour I'm dealing with. You are also right that I don't want to move on. There are lots of reasons for that but the effect is that I would rather take a load of crap than have to start over. It's not easy to work against that.

    Thanks again folks. Probably not what I wanted to hear but probably what I needed to hear.
    It's really not helpful for a group of strangers to assign 'shoulds' to anyone else's behavior. It doesn't help you to deal with the behavior that actually IS. This woman is demonstrating that she doesn't want to be accountable to you. Whether anyone else believes that she 'should' be is irrelevant, because this is HER decision.

    The best way to convince someone to change their mind is NOT to pursue her with the idea that she 'should'. That's just the perfect way to p her off and push her even further away, because nobody responds well to 'shoulds'. I'd skip that, and I'd skip trying to influence her. She knows how to reach you, and if she ever decides that that's what she wants to do, she'll have no trouble making sure that you're the first to know it.

    I'd focus on my own life and on building the best possible future for myself. I'd build pride in my self respect and resilience. That's really the only platform for anything to thrive anyway, because the last thing any woman would find attractive is someone who pines for her and won't move on. So the self respect to be gained from moving beyond this woman is likely the only real thing that could possibly attract her back. It's your percentage play, because you either gain the woman back through self respect, or you heal because of it. Either way, that's your win.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is she working or spending it with her kids home from college? She never mentioned this? Did she just ghost you? It seems you are aware that she has her kids and is working full time now. Did you usually spend holidays together or did it depend on who had their kids vs their kids were with their exes?
    Originally Posted by Stdavid
    I'd love to - but first day of the holidays she basically stopped communicating. I've spent two weeks in limbo wondering what's going on. Great way to spend Christmas.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is she working or spending it with her kids home from college? She never mentioned this? Did she just ghost you? It seems you are aware that she has her kids and is working full time now. Did you usually spend holidays together or did it depend on who had their kids vs their kids were with their exes?
    In the past we would spend some time each of us just with our children, some time together, and some time with all our children in once place. Like the Brady Bunch. It just kind of worked out. I'd let her know what dates I was around, she would do the same. This year she's not spoken to me beyond a couple of random texts about TV programmes, or when she got her nails done. I think that she honestly doesn't know what she wants and she's using Christmas as thinking time, but after two weeks of it I think I'm done. I have very strong feelings for her but I'm better off on my own.

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