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How should I feel about this?


Stdavid

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I've been dating a lady for three years now ... we're an older couple, in our fifties, with mostly grown up children

 

In September she started working full time and kept saying that she was too busy to see me very often. Three days before Christmas she told me that she wasn't sure what she wanted from our relationship any more. Since then, I've had a couple of replies to texts I've sent her, but despite letting her know when I was going to be without my children, she's not made any effort to see me. We've spent a lot of the last three Christmasses together and she knows that unles I have my children staying over, I'm on my own. Whilst I get that she might need some time to think etc, I feel pretty hurt about the way she's left me on my own like this.

 

Am I being over sensitive?

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I don't think that you are being over sensitive. She's not being very kind or considerate of your feelings. Nor is this a mature way to handle her own.

 

I'm in my 40s and it amazes me how, at this age, how poorly people communicate and how careless they can be with someone else's feelings.

 

I have found a relationship and a person can be great! Until it or they are not. Sorry. I know it sucks.....

 

Has she given you an indication of when you will talk or anything?

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No, you're not being overly sensitive. It sounds like she's drifting apart from you and fading out of your life while she doesn't want to go into details regarding her desire to breakup with you. Even though she's evasive regarding her saying that she wasn't sure what she wanted from your relationship with her, it's a sign that she's preparing to part ways with you permanently.

 

You either need to set up an in person discussion with her regarding an explanation or ask her via phone, text, email or however way you wish to handle this. No sensing dodging this subject. Get clear cut answers from her and then you'll know what your status is with her.

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Although it may somewhat true that she's busy at work, I am inclined to believe that she's no longer interested in the relationship (sorry) and is too much of a coward to tell you that. You said that "she's not made any effort to see me." That is your answer, I'm afraid. IMO, no one is that busy at work. It's just an excuse, hoping that you will get the message albeit a sh*tty way of going about it.

 

And, no, you are not being overly sensitive. She's being disrespectful and inconsiderate. At her age, she should know better.

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We haven't said when we'll talk because I'd expected to have the chance at some point over the holiday. I know she has her children with her and as they are all at university, it's the only chance she has to see all of them. That's not been a problem in the past, we've had big 'family' dinners etc, but I guess she doesn't want to complicate things, and to be fair, nor do I.

 

What really bugs is that when we met up before Christmas, we got on as well as we ever did. It's been the same in the last couple of months. I've seen less of her because she's busy with work, but when we do meet up it's great.

 

Just confused and hurt, at the moment.

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We haven't said when we'll talk because I'd expected to have the chance at some point over the holiday. I know she has her children with her and as they are all at university, it's the only chance she has to see all of them. That's not been a problem in the past, we've had big 'family' dinners etc, but I guess she doesn't want to complicate things, and to be fair, nor do I.

 

What really bugs is that when we met up before Christmas, we got on as well as we ever did. It's been the same in the last couple of months. I've seen less of her because she's busy with work, but when we do meet up it's great.

 

Just confused and hurt, at the moment.

And you have every right to be. if you're able to control yourself from reaching out first. That's what I'd do. And ignore her when she feels like coming around.

 

She dissed you over the holidays. Don't be around after. She knows you shouldn't treat people this way.

 

if it's any consolation, it happens to the best of us. As Oprah says- When someone shows you who they are, believe them. and I'll add "the first time" [emoji22]

 

Sorry.

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When you see her next time, ask her questions if you are unclear where this relationship is going. Explain that you both get along well when you two meet and when it's texting, your relationship fizzles. Therefore, you get hurt. Be articulate with her so you two are on the same page.

 

It's a red flag when she says that she's says she isn't sure what she wants from her relationship with you. Ask her to explain herself more thoroughly and then both of you need to decide what to do whether it is to work on your relationship or call it quits.

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I'm optimistic we can salvage something from this, even if it's just a friendship. Three years is too long to just walk away from. But I'm finding it hard to come to terms with how she's treated me this holiday. I know if we had the conversation tomorrow I'd be - we'll, let's say 'emotional.'

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I'm optimistic we can salvage something from this, even if it's just a friendship. Three years is too long to just walk away from. I disagree with this. Unless you're planning on being alone for the next 30 to 40 years, it's not wise to stay buddies with an ex, unless you end up with an extremely free-spirited woman who doesn't mind you staying in touch with a woman you had sex with and didn't want the relationship to end. I've never known a woman who would accept this.

 

If I hadn't read that this was a 3 year relationship, with the way she's been acting, I would've guessed that this relationship had only been going on for a few months. After this long together, she owes you a clear explanation instead of ignoring you. You seem to still have rose-colored glasses on after so long together. If you didn't, you wouldn't want to have anything to do with a person who is treating you so poorly. Why do you want to be friends with a person who doesn't show you the consideration you deserve, instead of fading away, hoping she doesn't have to deal with drama.Has she been a bit of an intriguing challenge for you all this time? I'm guessing you always put in more of the effort.

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Nope, truth is our relationship has been a pretty straightforward one. Not even many of the usual bumps. She's always been pretty level headed and affectionate. One of the things I liked most about her was that she seemed to be a good communicator, but looking back on it, that's always been on her terms, I guess. Very good at deciding what she wanted and letting me know. So on reflection this is both quite in character and really not what I expected. But I guess I took her at face value and perhaps should have been looking for signs that this was coming.

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Why won't your kids or family or friends spend more time with you? You need to adjust to the fact that she is working more now.

she started working full time and kept saying that she was too busy to see me very often.I feel pretty hurt about the way she's left me on my own like this.
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Nobody can tell you how to feel--you feel how you feel. How I'd behave, however, is to back off--completely. If someone were to tell me that he's not sure he wants our relationship anymore, I'd take that as a breakup and leave him alone. I'd have zero expectation that he'd want to meet up to talk about this, and should he surprise me by requesting differently, I'd listen to what he has to say--or not. By then I might have dropped my own desire to hear from him again.

 

Breaking up this way isn't ideal, but NO breakups are ideal. They all suck, and the method is really irrelevant.

 

Head high, and focus on making this your best year ever. You deserve someone who is crazy about you, and this person is not her.

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I'm optimistic we can salvage something from this, even if it's just a friendship. Three years is too long to just walk away from. But I'm finding it hard to come to terms with how she's treated me this holiday. I know if we had the conversation tomorrow I'd be - we'll, let's say 'emotional.'

I understand how you feel. And I have heard other people say similar things like- it's been too long to walk away. I disagree it's never too long to walk away. Unless children are involved. Clean breaks are the way to heal and move on with your own life and when the time comes, someone better suited.

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The title of your post is as passive as it gets "How should I feel about this?" It appears you need strangers to tell you how to feel and that leaves little doubt that she has had to call the shots for the entire relationship.

 

It may be beneficial for you to first decide what you would like in this relationship, whether it moves forward or not, and communicate with her about this so you both can be on the same page. It may not be comfortable or lead to a favorable result. But you both are adults, time to develop these skills if not already fully in place.

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Three days before Christmas she told me that she wasn't sure what she wanted from our relationship any more.

 

- When they say this, it means her love level has dropped real low, or is on the way out.

 

You have to find out why - maybe you have fallen short in one of these areas - romance, trust, affection, or respect.

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Why won't your kids or family or friends spend more time with you? You need to adjust to the fact that she is working more now.

 

It's not they won't, more that they can't. This being Christmas, everyone is pretty busy, on holiday etc etc.

 

And equally, I don't have a problem with her working more. That's not the issue.

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I understand how you feel. And I have heard other people say similar things like- it's been too long to walk away. I disagree it's never too long to walk away. Unless children are involved. Clean breaks are the way to heal and move on with your own life and when the time comes, someone better suited.

 

I get that. And I accept that there's no point dragging a dead relationship around.

 

What I meant was: if I had only been seeing her for a month or so, I would call it quits. But after three really good years, I don't think its right not to at least try and find out if it could be fixed. Even some marriages don't last that long.

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Agree. She started working full time and has college kids so she's indeed busier than previously. Either you can adapt to it or not. If you pressure her, you know she is not going to give up her jobs or kids so you may be forcing her hand. Instead of poor me I was alone, try to come up with a new adjusted schedule of seeing each other.

But after three really good years, I don't think its right not to at least try and find out if it could be fixed.
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Agree. She started working full time and has college kids so she's indeed busier than previously. Either you can adapt to it or not. If you pressure her, you know she is not going to give up her jobs or kids so you may be forcing her hand. Instead of poor me I was alone, try to come up with a new adjusted schedule of seeing each other.

 

I'd love to - but first day of the holidays she basically stopped communicating. I've spent two weeks in limbo wondering what's going on. Great way to spend Christmas.

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She's taking the cowards way out the relationship OP. Completely cut contact with her and very slight chance she may come round but at the moment she's calling all the shots.

 

Carry on with your life as if she's gone and do not be fake friends with her. It won't help you.

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I still cannot comprehend why on earth are you taking this BS from her? She is being so disrespectful and you are putting up with it. Dude, where is your self respect? I understand that 3 years is a sizeable amount of time time but is this what you want? I'm sorry but no one is that busy that they cannot find time for their SO, or whatever you want to call it. Face it, I am pretty sure that she's phasing you out, or has already (so sorry) but if you want to know exactly how she feels, send her an email. I wouldn't count on a positive answer though, or even a response. Don't settle for her breadcrumbs, dude. And don't beg, please. I know it's hard to walk away but you better prepare yourself for this very real possibility. Her behaviour is selfish, rude and truly immature.

 

I am sorry you didn't have a happy Christmas but you have the power to do what is right for you. But, remember, the way she's treated you is a red flag, IMHO. What more can I say?

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She's taking the cowards way out the relationship OP. Completely cut contact with her and very slight chance she may come round but at the moment she's calling all the shots.

 

Carry on with your life as if she's gone and do not be fake friends with her. It won't help you.

 

Yes, this ^^^

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I get that. And I accept that there's no point dragging a dead relationship around.

 

What I meant was: if I had only been seeing her for a month or so, I would call it quits. But after three really good years, I don't think its right not to at least try and find out if it could be fixed. Even some marriages don't last that long.

I know what you mean... all we can do is give you perspectives. Don't feel you have to justify whatever you decide to do.

 

I know when I have been on the asking for advice end of the equation, it feel like it was so hard to say what I mean or adequately express the situation.

 

It's tough, you're hurting and really you just want someone to have hope with you and BELIEVE IT!

 

It's really easy for us to call out a lot this stuff about you deserving more, her being a jerk, what we would do...

 

It's incredibly difficult to just walk away. Especially, when you don't want to. I think its important in these situations to choose your timing.

 

If you call her or visit or whatever, you don't know what you are interrupting and you are at a disadvantage.

 

If you wait for her to contact you, you know two things straight away:

 

1. She is available to talk

2. she wants/is open to talking

 

It's a much more powerful position. Especially, because if you want to somehow have a chance to work things out, you gotta get some respect. And that won't come from chasing her or even questioning her, or offering to be her friend (I just threw up a little)[emoji847]

 

Space also gives you this time to wallow a little in private. If someone does not give a rats butt about me, I don't have to tell them they are killing me. Especially after 3 years.

 

I really feel you have one thing on your side that she cannot deny- whatever her feelings are or you did to cause them, her actions speak VOLUMES to her character and maturity. And once you stop feeling so hurt, you will see that more clearly. I promise you.

 

There is no way in human nature, she is not eventually going to realize you have not chased her.... And that's a win for you!

 

I have been in your shoes. dropped flat for no reason and treated really poorly. It sucks, but it you will heal and grow from this in ways, you just can't imagine right now.

 

I'm sorry. that sounds like no good news... but! when you are with someone better, you will mark my words. And say to yourself... that Lambert, she was right!

 

Some people, they deal with the things the only way they know how. Not everyone has the tools and the understanding to handle things the way We deserve. We all have done horrible things that we are not proud of...

 

It is not your job to teach her. it is your job to find your own happiness for yourself.

 

it was a downer of a Xmas... Ok. it was. but Xmas is over. Put it behind you and focus on yourself and something to work on and get your mind off this.

 

needlepoint anyone? [emoji1787][emoji173][emoji173][emoji173]

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