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Thread: How should I feel about this?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'm optimistic we can salvage something from this, even if it's just a friendship. Three years is too long to just walk away from. I disagree with this. Unless you're planning on being alone for the next 30 to 40 years, it's not wise to stay buddies with an ex, unless you end up with an extremely free-spirited woman who doesn't mind you staying in touch with a woman you had sex with and didn't want the relationship to end. I've never known a woman who would accept this.

    If I hadn't read that this was a 3 year relationship, with the way she's been acting, I would've guessed that this relationship had only been going on for a few months. After this long together, she owes you a clear explanation instead of ignoring you. You seem to still have rose-colored glasses on after so long together. If you didn't, you wouldn't want to have anything to do with a person who is treating you so poorly. Why do you want to be friends with a person who doesn't show you the consideration you deserve, instead of fading away, hoping she doesn't have to deal with drama.Has she been a bit of an intriguing challenge for you all this time? I'm guessing you always put in more of the effort.

  2. #12
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    Nope, truth is our relationship has been a pretty straightforward one. Not even many of the usual bumps. She's always been pretty level headed and affectionate. One of the things I liked most about her was that she seemed to be a good communicator, but looking back on it, that's always been on her terms, I guess. Very good at deciding what she wanted and letting me know. So on reflection this is both quite in character and really not what I expected. But I guess I took her at face value and perhaps should have been looking for signs that this was coming.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why won't your kids or family or friends spend more time with you? You need to adjust to the fact that she is working more now.
    Originally Posted by Stdavid
    she started working full time and kept saying that she was too busy to see me very often.I feel pretty hurt about the way she's left me on my own like this.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Nobody can tell you how to feel--you feel how you feel. How I'd behave, however, is to back off--completely. If someone were to tell me that he's not sure he wants our relationship anymore, I'd take that as a breakup and leave him alone. I'd have zero expectation that he'd want to meet up to talk about this, and should he surprise me by requesting differently, I'd listen to what he has to say--or not. By then I might have dropped my own desire to hear from him again.

    Breaking up this way isn't ideal, but NO breakups are ideal. They all suck, and the method is really irrelevant.

    Head high, and focus on making this your best year ever. You deserve someone who is crazy about you, and this person is not her.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Stdavid
    I'm optimistic we can salvage something from this, even if it's just a friendship. Three years is too long to just walk away from. But I'm finding it hard to come to terms with how she's treated me this holiday. I know if we had the conversation tomorrow I'd be - we'll, let's say 'emotional.'
    I understand how you feel. And I have heard other people say similar things like- it's been too long to walk away. I disagree it's never too long to walk away. Unless children are involved. Clean breaks are the way to heal and move on with your own life and when the time comes, someone better suited.

  7. #16
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    The title of your post is as passive as it gets "How should I feel about this?" It appears you need strangers to tell you how to feel and that leaves little doubt that she has had to call the shots for the entire relationship.

    It may be beneficial for you to first decide what you would like in this relationship, whether it moves forward or not, and communicate with her about this so you both can be on the same page. It may not be comfortable or lead to a favorable result. But you both are adults, time to develop these skills if not already fully in place.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Stdavid
    Three days before Christmas she told me that she wasn't sure what she wanted from our relationship any more.
    - When they say this, it means her love level has dropped real low, or is on the way out.

    You have to find out why - maybe you have fallen short in one of these areas - romance, trust, affection, or respect.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why won't your kids or family or friends spend more time with you? You need to adjust to the fact that she is working more now.
    It's not they won't, more that they can't. This being Christmas, everyone is pretty busy, on holiday etc etc.

    And equally, I don't have a problem with her working more. That's not the issue.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I understand how you feel. And I have heard other people say similar things like- it's been too long to walk away. I disagree it's never too long to walk away. Unless children are involved. Clean breaks are the way to heal and move on with your own life and when the time comes, someone better suited.
    I get that. And I accept that there's no point dragging a dead relationship around.

    What I meant was: if I had only been seeing her for a month or so, I would call it quits. But after three really good years, I don't think its right not to at least try and find out if it could be fixed. Even some marriages don't last that long.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. She started working full time and has college kids so she's indeed busier than previously. Either you can adapt to it or not. If you pressure her, you know she is not going to give up her jobs or kids so you may be forcing her hand. Instead of poor me I was alone, try to come up with a new adjusted schedule of seeing each other.
    Originally Posted by Stdavid
    But after three really good years, I don't think its right not to at least try and find out if it could be fixed.

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