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Thread: Money Argument again

  1. #1
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    Money Argument again

    Two things my wife brought up today:
    1. she wants to save money for her parents and brothers birthdays etc so we shouldnít go on holidays. Her money is her money and my money is mine (we try and divide things 50/50 as much as possible just so itís fair)
    2. She wants us to pay for our own meals when we go out on dates and any money she does save she wants to spend taking her parents on holiday.
    So no more holidays for us whilst her parents are alive

    By the way itís not completely 50/50
    I pay $900 mortgage, $700 child day care
    She pays $400 bills
    This is purely based on how much we each earn...

    Advice please, this no longer feels like a marriage more like a business arrangement...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    My wife and both pool funds to joint expenses and marital goals and have our own money neither of us can give each other **** for spending on whatever. I've never been the gung-ho "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" type, but I couldn't imagine at the very least incorporating joint financial ventures. Otherwise I'd just spare myself the headache and stay a bachelor.

    That said, I wouldn't d1ck around on this. Finances are notoriously the #1 culprit for failed marriages. I'd honestly be considering jumping right to a marriage counselor if you're legit at the point of feeling the marriage has turned into a business transaction. Do you two have goals you're sacrificing to save for other than getting her siblings presents? What kind of conversations have you had on it?

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I'd say the whole situation is problematic. Can't you compromise and take two less expensive trips?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I suggest a compromise. Have your money, her money and a joint account as a vacation fund.

    I agree with j.man regarding professional marriage counseling.

    My husband and I have joint accounts and he pays the bill when dining out or anytime we're together. It's my money, too as we both work hard, pay our monthly bills, raise our families and we're a team in lockstep.

    If you two want that much financial individuality, you might as well remain single and forget marriage altogether.

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  6. #5
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    Why did you get married if you are living as roommates.

    ALL of your money should be in one account except for an agreed to upon amount that each retains from the paycheck or gas and to do as they please for incidentals like going to lunch during the workday, etc. Anything left over the person does what they wish - saving up for gifts or blowing it.

    You buy Christmas gifts for everyone out of your joint account (an agreed to upon Christmas budget) but if she wants to do anything over the top like buy her parents a trip and its not something everyone pitches in for (ie, 5 siblings and spouses), then that's on her to save her spending money by not eating out during the workday or what have you.

    Maybe ask her WHY she wants to save money to send her parents on a trip??

    How does going dutch at the restaurant solve anything - that's what i don't get.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I suggest a compromise. Have your money, her money and a joint account as a vacation fund.

    I agree with j.man regarding professional marriage counseling.

    My husband and I have joint accounts and he pays the bill when dining out or anytime we're together. It's my money, too as we both work hard, pay our monthly bills, raise our families and we're a team in lockstep.

    If you two want that much financial individuality, you might as well remain single and forget marriage altogether.
    The joint account should be for bills and household, not a vacation fund

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    I'd say the whole situation is problematic. Can't you compromise and take two less expensive trips?
    Why do they need to pay for a trip for the parents? He didn't say they went on expensive trips. We went on road trips when we were kids that were not expensive and they were our best memories. And why do presents for the brother, etc, need to be expensive? Honestly, i would tell her to get a side gig if she is making buying her parents a trip such a big thing

  9. 01-01-2020, 08:37 PM

  10. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    So you are paying for her lifestyle and she does what exactly? You are getting screwed.
    Partnership is a two way street. There is more than one way to do things, but I can tell you right now the way she wants things done has nothing to do with fairness nor partnership. She profits at your loss, that's just selfishness.

    For me, I'd skip marriage councilling and I'd be looking at ways to protect myself financially. You married her, now she has a stake to claim. It's amazing how many people out there see marriage as an institution to exploit another financially. And it often gives them a socially approved and legal way to do so.
    The most important thing to me in my partner is the trust and character. I can trust him to have my back. If he showed me I couldn't, the partnership would be over.
    Your wife has shown you who she is - greedy, self centered, wouldn't be surprised if entitled to be added to that list. I wouldn't trust her to magically change after conversation or council.

    I'd do things quietly, arranging my affairs. That's me.

  11. 01-01-2020, 10:11 PM


  12. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    The joint account should be for bills and household, not a vacation fund
    Since they're adamant regarding separate accounts, at least have a vacation fun so all the money goes together jointly in one pot.

    I think this whole business arrangement is rather silly IMHO. It's so much easier to have joint accounts. We save money, pay our bills on time and have occasional splurges such as my designer handbag for Christmas! We save in other ways though. We don't eat out habitually, cook a lot at home, haven't stepped foot into a movie theater in 10 years, don't take vacations since we're within an hour's drive for day trips and we agreed not to partake in excessive gift exchanges with relatives, in-laws and friends.

    I don't enjoy traveling, despise flying, long road trips, become easily nauseous nor do I enjoy living out of a suitcase.

    Aside from giving our sons ca$h for Christmas and birthdays, we only give gifts to MIL & FIL (mother & father-in-law); sometimes SIL & BIL (sister & brother-in-law) if they give us a Christmas gift first while visiting MIL / FIL from out-of-state. We'll bring a gift just in case and if they don't give us a gift, then we use the ca$h gift for ourselves. We'll treat MIL & FIL to a birthday dinner twice a year.

  13. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop treating it like one. You need outside third party professional help. Marriage therapy to work on that and some sort of financial planner and accountant to work out a mutually satisfactory situation. You're not high school kids dating so what's up with the going dutch nonsense? Marriages you both co-own everything. Stop arguing about mine and yours. That in itself makes it a businesslike arrangement. Familiarize yourselves with marital law in your jurisdiction, that should clear things up. Start by having three accounts based on incomes. Household/couple stuff and discretionary spending money as individuals..
    Originally Posted by SuperPig
    no longer feels like a marriage more like a business arrangement...

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