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Insecurities


b215

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I've been dating a girl for 6 months or so now. We've had to jump a few hurdles to get to where we are and things are mostly pretty great. Neither of us are hugely experienced in the 'let's have a serious relationship' field so there's a lot of firsts and new challenges. Unfortunately, I go through phases where I get very insecure about our relationship.

 

My insecurities are not that I fear she'll leave me for someone more interesting and better looking. I get insecure about whether she's really into me. Whether she really likes being intimate with me. Whether our relationship is 50-50. It sounds ridiculous written down like that. I know she is nervous and shy. I don't feel like this all the time.

 

We've had a couple of weekends away which have been so nice. Both times, it was my suggestion that we go away. In January/February I'd like to go away again with her, but I don't necessarily want to be the one who suggests it again.

 

We also spent a really nice night in recently. She still lives with her parents, but they went out to a family party. She forgoed the party so that we could spend time together, which again, was so nice. She said I could have stayed over but it wasn't her house/place to ask. Then, her family returned from the party with her younger brother and his girlfriend. She did stay over. I ended up taking a taxi home. After, I thought if she did want me to stay over she would have asked her parents. We're both grown adults. I felt a little silly leaving so soon after they had come back.

 

I know in some respects I probably sound like a complete whinger. I wonder if I should share my insecurities with her? I don't want to complicate things. Nor do I want to look for problems that aren't there.

 

Any input welcomed.

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My first question is how old are you both? And why is she still living with her parents if she is a grown adult? Does she work?

 

Why not stop suggesting things to do and wait for her to suggest something? Why are you insecure? It seems to me that she's the one who should be insecure if she's trying to have a relationship when she's not fully independent.

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I've been dating a girl for 6 months or so now. We've had to jump a few hurdles to get to where we are and things are mostly pretty great. Neither of us are hugely experienced in the 'let's have a serious relationship' field so there's a lot of firsts and new challenges. Unfortunately, I go through phases where I get very insecure about our relationship.

 

My insecurities are not that I fear she'll leave me for someone more interesting and better looking. I get insecure about whether she's really into me. Whether she really likes being intimate with me. Whether our relationship is 50-50. It sounds ridiculous written down like that. I know she is nervous and shy. I don't feel like this all the time.

 

We've had a couple of weekends away which have been so nice. Both times, it was my suggestion that we go away. In January/February I'd like to go away again with her, but I don't necessarily want to be the one who suggests it again.

 

We also spent a really nice night in recently. She still lives with her parents, but they went out to a family party. She forgoed the party so that we could spend time together, which again, was so nice. She said I could have stayed over but it wasn't her house/place to ask. Then, her family returned from the party with her younger brother and his girlfriend. She did stay over. I ended up taking a taxi home. After, I thought if she did want me to stay over she would have asked her parents. We're both grown adults. I felt a little silly leaving so soon after they had come back.

 

I know in some respects I probably sound like a complete whinger. I wonder if I should share my insecurities with her? I don't want to complicate things. Nor do I want to look for problems that aren't there.

 

Any input welcomed.

I don't think there's an issue here.

When I was dating my wife of 8 years now, I had the same insecurities as you and she lived with her parents too. Being an introvert, she had to force me to leave the comfort of my house, which gets me angry sometimes but I had to make some sacrifices for the sake of her happiness.

She's an outgoing, outspoken type and she'll make issues out of things I didn't do (you would think she'll be appreciative that I'm not the social type since that, statistically, reduces my chance of messing around).

 

My point is, if you want your girlfriend to do something, ask her nicely. She'll, more likely than not, say yes (weird thing is if she's as introverted as I am, she'll say yes even if she doesn't want to).

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Relax. What were "all the hurdles"? That seems odd for dating only 24 weeks, no? Things mellow out as you get to know each other and that's ok. Does she work or go to school? No you shouldn't be staying at her parents house overnight. You need your own place, so don't put it on her. She sounds a bit too young for you.

 

Try not to be so passive and put her through so many "tests" eventually this type of thing becomes a self fulfilling prophecy in that she'll leave you because you exact too much, demand too much and want her to "show you" how into you she is. A relationship isn't all about you. Ironically when you stop doing that you'll see what's happening.

We've had to jump a few hurdles to get to where we are and things are mostly pretty great.

 

I get insecure about whether she's really into me. I ended up taking a taxi home.

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