Are our families delusional?

I am really getting sick of how our families treat us in regard to our relationship. Her family invites themselves out regularly for days/weeks at a time and I cannot stand their attitude towards me. They seem nice enough but whether it be her siblings, parents uncles etc they all have some judgement they pass on me before packing up and heading home.

My sisters seem to go out of their way to thank her for putting up with me because I can be so difficult to deal with.

Here is the truth. She is mentally ill. Her family has rejected her. They refuse to provide any support to her outside of the occasional judgmental visit where I become the target. To put it simply, they cannot stand her but are happy playing the role of protective family member long enough to get a free all expenses paid vacation to my house in the middle of vacation paradise. They live in ville, MI and we live in the nice part of Vacation Country, Colorado. All you have to do is pretend to suddenly care about your daughter and you get a free vacation, an opportunity to pass judgement and some juicy gossip to bring home to your boring life. Without going into to detail about how quickly her family to impose on almost total strangers, I can say no sane person would appreciate these self invited visits.

My family isn't much better. They rejected me ages ago to join some cooky religion and cut me off because their religion said to. These people (my family) don't know me but some of them no longer follow this religion and are trying to have a relationship with me again. So these people I don't know act as though she is some goddess I don't deserve. They literally had a conversation in front of my face about how difficult I am to deal with and she should be thanked for putting up with me. How would you know? You haven't talked to me for ages because you joined a cult and cut me off because some self anointed prophet said I was a demon or something. You don't know me! Sidenote: When they say I am difficult to deal with they mean I can go off on tangents about the history of the East India Trading Company that nobody cares about. Sure I can work on that but I am not raging mental patient like some people having these conversations about me.

To summarize, I have put up with a lot from her. Just picture yourself spending two years of your life nursing a sick person back to health. I mean too sick to even work or even feed yourself much less have a healthy relationship. Try doing that and instead of family leaving us lone like they always have, they come charging back into your life with swords drawn and opinions......lots of opinions. I am one visit away from telling both our families to go back to rejecting like they always have but she likes the attention. Strangely she wants to have a relationship with her family so doing anything other than taking their crap would mess that up for her.

There have been many times over the years I have been ready to thrown in the towel with her but this new dynamic of family treating like a second class person while I nurture her back to mental health is not something I will be able to tolerate much longer and watching her lap up the attention is a slap in my face. Especially when she gives me reason to believe she is buying all this.

I am ready to go off on everybody but I don't know if this would just cause more problems. Maybe there is a part of me that sees it as self-destructive to burn bridges with your family, her family and her all in the same sentence.

I did speak with her in her role in this. She was deeply apologetic but I am disappointed that I could do some much for her and some crappy person who doesn't know me says opens their mouth and she forgets everything. I also don't know how everyone is going to take it when I eventually tell everyone to go back to dong what they do best......Butt Out!

Why are you hosting all of them this much? Just say no. Get better care for your wife.

As far as your own family, it's your choice to cut them out of your life if you choose to do so because the relationship is more unsatisfying than otherwise. That's why the saying exists, "You can choose your friends, but not your family." My husband hasn't spoken to his father in more than 25 years because the man is toxic.

As far as her family goes, that needs to be handled differently. She wants them in her life. That said, you need to speak to your wife about how you two are a team, and you will be pleasant to her family when they visit, but there needs to be a time limit on how long their visits can be, and she shouldn't be saying "because my husband says so." Tell her you're a team and that's how the message should be passed. If she wants more time with her family, she can go visit them.

When they do visit, make yourself scarce as much as possible. Maybe turn the tables on them and say, "So glad you came to help. It gives me a needed breather. Can you perform such and such duty today? If they don't supply their own food, you can tell them you're strapped and direct them to the nearest grocery store. You can speak up for yourself if they are judging you and say, "I've hosted you in my home and deserve respect while you're under my roof. If you have anything constructive to say, I'm happy to hear it, but attacking me is doing nothing to improve anything."

There are plenty of books on the market about creating boundaries, so it might help you to read some of them. Good luck.

You wrote this in February 2019:

"I broker it off. I just told her "I can't help but thinking normal people don't live this way.......I am sorry but we have to part ways". Thanks for the help "

Then a few months later you posted complaining about how she moves your stuff around.

You're obviously miserable in this relationship. Why do you stay? And hopefully a better reason than "but I LOVE her!!!!"

How about she goes to visit her family and you stay home? I agree you need some serious boundaries with all of these people.

Why are you still with her? And, why are you bring up The East India Trading Company? How many years has that been!

There have been many times over the years I have been ready to thrown in the towel with her but this new dynamic of family treating like a second class person while I nurture her back to mental health is not something I will be able to tolerate much longer and watching her lap up the attention is a slap in my face. Especially when she gives me reason to believe she is buying all this.

I am going to bet you are upset because the family is not kissing your feet and doesn't recognize the "savior" that you think you are with her. I am sure you are a bit toxic or codependent for their daughter. What support should they give an adult daughter? They likely did all they could when she was a child or teen but they can't do anymore than that now. They likely set a boundary and all involved can spend a few days together but any longer than that - your girlfriend could go back into old patterns with them.

here is the thing - my ex's family used eachother as a punching bag verbally - but if you said ANYTHING wrong about the people they always complained about, even if you simply agreed with what they just said about that person, you would get crap for that and they would turn against you. Its okay or you to be "ready to throw in the towel" with your girlfriend but if her family felt that way in the past and is now doing the best they can to connect, suddenly they are the bad guy. you have walked in their shoes - you know what it is like to feel you need to throw in the towel with her so don't demonize THEM for feeling the same

No offense, but there are two sides to every story. Both your families sound awful but you sound angry, and I suspect your resentment isn't helping you cope with the situation. But it's a tough situation, I've been in something similar and - yeah, it drives you up the wall. Relatives who fly in, tell you what you should do, judge how you do it, then off again.

With your own family, just keep them at arms length.

With her family, that is harder because you can't make decisions for your wife, but you do need to make it clear that while they are under your roof they'll live by your rules. You can couch it in terms like 'I'm her main carer. It's really not good if you are rude to me or undermine me around her. We all want what's best for your daughter, OK?' But do it politely and out of earshot of your wife, because it's true!

And involve them. Give them jobs to do. Get them to come over while your wife is ill, not when she's all better and they aren't needed.

Enforce healthy boundaries.

Limit their stay at your house or have them book a motel or hotel.

Since you don't like your family (relatives), distance yourself. Remain peaceful though. Don't argue. Talk less, listen more and repeat this new habit to prevent from going off in tangents. They could care less about your history knowledge. Don't be a bore. It's better to remain silent than cause others to criticize you.

Yes, it will cause problems should you go off on everyone and cause an unnecessarily immature scene. Think before you act and speak otherwise you'll make your situation worse than it already is. Don't burn your bridges. You don't have to love nor like anybody. Remain civil. Mind your manners, remain polite, respectful and peaceful. This is how I am whenever I'm at social gatherings with certain in-laws and relatives whom I'm not particularly fond of. If I can do it, so can you!

No matter what, carry yourself with grace and class. You can't control other people but you can control yourself. Remain poised and possess aplomb.

I know it's a real drag and burden. Just remind yourself it's only temporary. For me, it was a dreadfully LONG holiday season between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. I survived though! I did my bit regarding cooking tons of food for huge parties, gave cash gifts to a few family members and one BFF (close friend), endured numerous forced smothered, suffocating family reunions for those who traveled far and wide to arrive here. Now that it's over, I don't have to partake in obligatory gatherings for stretches of many, many months from this day forward! Nowadays, I'm kicking my heels! I get to coast and relax from now on! Hallelujah!

I'm a big fan of adopting whatever beliefs about others that best serve ME. So I'd question what purpose it serves for me to build up hostile motivations behind people who are kind to my face. That would be holding them to a higher standard than I hold for myself, because no matter my private affinity for any given person, all that I require of myself is kindness. Then, boom! Done. No further thought about them. No carrying any burdens or grudges. No drilling myself into misery about them.

So figure out how your grudges serve you, and from there you get to decide whether to keep them or not.

It can really be THAT simple.

I'm a big fan of adopting whatever beliefs about others that best serve ME. So I'd question what purpose it serves for me to build up hostile motivations behind people who are kind to my face. That would be holding them to a higher standard than I hold for myself, because no matter my private affinity for any given person, all that I require of myself is kindness. Then, boom! Done. No further thought about them. No carrying any burdens or grudges. No drilling myself into misery about them.

 

So figure out how your grudges serve you, and from there you get to decide whether to keep them or not.

 

It can really be THAT simple.

One other thing that i wonder -- are they afraid he is trying to isolate their daughter? She lives far away and he feels he is "taking care of her" and rebuffs any attempt for her parents to be involved. if my family member had a physical disability or a mental illness and they were living far away with a boyfriend far away from family and he feels he is the expert in her care and makes the family feel unwelcome, that would be my fear