Friends stopped inviting me

Hey guys happy new year!

Although it is a new year and I should be feeling wonderful and awesome I'm feeling kinda sad.

I've had a really busy year this year with studies and work and I haven't been able to spend much time with friends. I thought this is something they would understand but now I don't know. So I've had a group of friends who in the beginning/ middle of the year would always invite me out to things and I went whenever I could, but most of the time I was just swamped with assignments and working a lot and I just literally could not go.

I'm on a big break from studies now and I thought it was gonna be great like they all know I'm free now and I thought they'd want to catch up more especially it being the holiday/summer season here in Australia. Unfortunately that's not what's been happening and I've been sort of left in the dark about a lot of things while I see them out in their Facebook and snapchat stories all going out together and I don't even get an invite. The week before Christmas was my birthday and I didn't really plan anything for it because I knew a lot of my friends had family here for Christmas and 2 of my friends had a wedding right before my birthday so I was letting them do their own thing, but the weekend of my birthday I saw they had all gone on a trip together and didn't say a word to me, even the bride and groom were there and it wasn't even with their visiting families. Some of these friends didn't even wish me a happy birthday when I literally had bought them gifts for theirs! These friends were even posting photos the whole day of my birthday of the wedding which I'm happy that they did, but they were commenting and posting photos on Facebook and didn't even take 2 seconds to write me a happy birthday message. I know it seems silly to be upset about something like that, but it's such a simple thing to do! Most of these friends are not doing much they're hardly working or only studying so they've been able to spend so much time together and I have not.

I just feel so down. This time of the year is usally the best time I'm usually out with people for my birthday and new years and having so much fun, but this year it's like I'm being excluded just because I'm trying to get my together, focus on my career and my future and cut back on the drinking and late nights. I'm not sure if there's something else I've done, but I'm really unaware of it. I havent been drinking much when I was seeing them before so I dunno if they think I'm boring now, but I still have put in whatever effort I could with them.

It's strange because I was actually starting to feel a bit distant from these friends and like I don't fit with them anymore as I don't enjoy the party lifestyle, but I still care about them and I'm hurt that they so easily have started excluding me.

One of the friends in this group is someone in the past who I considered a best friend. I've helped her through so many things that have happened in her life and I just feel so disappointed. I've seen her do this to friends in the past where she just cuts people off and doesn't say a word even though they've been there for her so many times and have supported her through tough things. It's like they do one wrong thing and she cuts them off, even though she's not exactly a saint herself.

I guess I'm just wondering at this point if I should bother to try and redeem these friendships, or at least maintain some kind of connection with them, or if I should just forget about it and move on. Should I put more effort in trying to invite them out instead of expecting them to invite me to their plans? Should I focus on people who actually do care and do put the effort in? I think I'm just confused about why this is happening and how to handle this situation :/ but I can say my heart is a little broken and my self esteem right now is a bit shattered

When you declined their invitations did you offer to reschedule at a specific time or offer to meet for a quick lunch or quick walk or run? I just don't think you can expect to rebuff people constantly and have them be enthusiastic about seeing you when you're finally free. Yes it was because of your work and studies -I've been there and i did the same with the exception that I didn't expect anyone but very close friends and people going through the same thing I was to be waiting for me with open arms. And yes you might not have enough in common.

I'll give you an example. I reconnected with one of my best friends from childhood in 2008 through facebook (we were best friends in the 1970s!). For a couple of years we were in close touch and saw each other every summer for about 4 summers as I had relocated. Then she really hurt my feelings too many times so I distanced myself. After awhile we went back to just texting but were texting regularly and keeping up with each other's lives. But yes partly I kept my emotional distance. Anyway in over a year now she stopped responding to texts for months. I heard from her last summer after months. She said some lame thing about how she was so busy at work she wasn't texting people anymore. Lame since she could of course call me. And I wasn't going to reach out more. Today after months of being MIA again she texted me happy new year. I responded with the same but pointedly did not try to start a conversation. I'm done putting in the effort and I have no interest in sharing what's been going on in my life to someone who goes MIA. Perhaps your friends started to feel the same way?

Aww. I am sorry you are going through this. But I think you answered a lot of your own questions. If they are not inviting you, then you have to get yourself included, either by calling them and asking what they are up to and do they mind if you come along (which should NOT be a big deal amongst friends) or start inviting them out.

I wonder. a little more, about your comments, about how you feel, you have outgrown them and are not as into the things they are doing, as you once were. If that is really the case, it can be a bit lonely, to go through your own growth spurt until you connect with people that are more in line with what you are into now. But in the long run, you could be happier, as those friends will be more in line with what you have going on.

So are you just bored and having a little facebook FOMO? Or do you miss these friends? Because friends do ebb and flow. I know that has been true my whole life. Some friends I am super close to at times and then we get busy doing other things and are not as close. Then we are again for some reason we reconnected. I hope this helps.

One other thing, I have noticed, is sometimes being with people you don't vibe with, can be more lonely than being alone. You know? And when I gave up the party girl life, I was just so turned off by all the drinking, I preferred being alone. Albeit was lonely. Maybe use your free time to look into new connections and only reach out to the old friends you really feel a connection, too. Just because you are not part of the entire group, you probably have some good friends you could reach out. If you haven't been around for awhile, it's kinda on you to get back into the mix.

Social media is a blessing and a curse. Don't look at it for a while if it's making you feel worse.

Hey thanks a lot for your input Batya333

I guess I don't really understand this kind of thing as in the past I have always been able to make time for people and I guess I thought people would understand because I would always apologise and tell them all the work I had going on and always make it when I could make it even though it's just been really really hard this year. It's true that I haven't really rescheduled to see them very often, but I honestly have had so little time..

I guess I have experienced this myself when friends of mine have had kids and haven't been able to come out anymore or when they keep saying they're busy for work and keep bailing.. you eventually just stop trying. I guess I thought they'd understand why I have been that way, but maybe if they aren't going through the same thing it's hard to understand. It just makes me feel so upset because I've been so stressed out all year but only because Im trying so hard to achieve what I want to achieve and start building my life as I can't just drink and party forever, but to have lost so many people over it really sucks and really hurts and makes me think it wasn't worth it at all

People are very busy with their lives and they will not always remember to include you nor remember your birthday. Grow accustomed to it. Expect nothing from others and you won't feel disappointed anymore.

Stop keeping score regarding who did what or didn't do when they should've cared for you.

Learn to forgive them.

If I were you, instead of expecting others to include you and give gifts for your birthday, try becoming the initiator for social gatherings, plan ahead and host gatherings whether in your home with delicious food or agree to meet somewhere in public. Not everyone will practice good social graces and reciprocate you for gifts, gatherings, time, labor and expense.

Learn to give yourself unconditionally, learn not to expect anything from others and you will become a much more happier person overall.

I was you once upon a time. Nowadays, I'm the driving force for rallying everyone together and we're all good. Don't hold grudges over this. You make it happen and then you will guarantee that you will be included. If you have to be the initiator in order to be included, then so be it. Do whatever works.

No sense pouting over this. Take action and share good times with your friends.

Don't wait for them to do something for you. Initiate and you'll be very happy.

Also, if lack of gifts for you is an issue, then don't spend money on gifts for others. Make it an unwritten rule that feelings are mutual which will save everyone's wallet. Initiate gatherings and share good times.

I don't buy gifts for many friends nor family. We don't need anymore clutter. Instead, we host home parties with delicious food for the buffet or meet at restaurants. It's about being together and not materialistic objects.

I only exchange birthday and Christmas gifts with just one BFF whom I see regularly once or twice a month throughout the year ever since childhood. Everyone else forgoes gift giving which is actually a relief.

Happy New Year! :-)

My take on this: Friendships are like plants that you need to water and nurture so they are healthy, otherwise they die. However, not all plants are beneficial to us. Weeds you remove, because these undesirable living organisms that propagate quickly can be very destructive.

Apply this to your situation. What do you see?

Also, at the end of the day, we all have the same amount of time. We just prioritise our time differently according to what is most relevant / important to us during a given season. Because as you stated life gets in the way. So, if someone has never time to hang out with you - is that person really a friend?

You've stated you've made some effort to catch up with them. Have they? It may be time to meet new people.

[side note: I don't care about gardening or plants but I like this analogy.]

Hi Lambert, thank you as well for your response!

You're definitely right it has been feeling a little bit lonely when I see them and I feel like I'm not clicking anymore. I used to be the funniest drunk and sometimes I feel like they miss that side of me and I just really really feel like I've outgrown it, and I just can't be that person anymore. I mean I still can but just not all the time!

And yeah I guess I have been trying to transition to kind of new friends and people I have more in common with, but I didn't want to lose these friends as well. I think especially because it is this time of year when it's new years and my birthday and christmas it has made me feel much worse and much lonelier than if it was just in the middle of the year when there's nothing going on. I do have other friends that I know care about me and I love them, but like me they have busy lifestyles and partners and stuff so they are the type I don't see very often (I guess similar to what I've become now lol). I think I'm just feeling left out as I was always part of this group always getting invited, but maybe they are in a different phase of life to me and I just need to accept it and maybe I'm just not a member of the group anymore because of it.

But thanks I think I will try put in more effort but if it gets me nowhere I will give up and I guess try to meet some people who I have more in common with and who understand it's not always easy to be there all the time when you have a busy life..

Why aren't you asking them out?

Hey thanks a lot for your input Batya333

 

I guess I don't really understand this kind of thing as in the past I have always been able to make time for people and I guess I thought people would understand because I would always apologise and tell them all the work I had going on and always make it when I could make it even though it's just been really really hard this year. It's true that I haven't really rescheduled to see them very often, but I honestly have had so little time..

 

I guess I have experienced this myself when friends of mine have had kids and haven't been able to come out anymore or when they keep saying they're busy for work and keep bailing.. you eventually just stop trying. I guess I thought they'd understand why I have been that way, but maybe if they aren't going through the same thing it's hard to understand. It just makes me feel so upset because I've been so stressed out all year but only because Im trying so hard to achieve what I want to achieve and start building my life as I can't just drink and party forever, but to have lost so many people over it really sucks and really hurts and makes me think it wasn't worth it at all

I have a child and work and I make time for the people I care about and want to get to know -and I have no interest in focusing on "mom friends" -and when I worked around the clock and was single -meaning on call 24/7 for a lot of that time, working crazy hours -I made the time. I did reschedule and I planned for shorter periods of time or did phone dates. I don't understand when my friends who have kids make no time for me at all -I don't expect them to be available at night -I'm no longer available then really - but yes, if they want to develop or maintain our friendship we'll do a phone date or grab a quick coffee I'll do my best and be very honest if I can't. So no I won't meet someone for a late dinner anymore or to go out dancing or a late movie with very rare exception (when that was my main stay for 25 years before I married and had a baby at age 42 -and moved) but I will make time for them in some way.

I think you should focus on your studies and career -I did to great benefit for a life time and then some -it's awesome and still is. But don't expect many to "wait" for you.

People including friends will waft in and out of your lifetime. Some are keepers as you relate or have a lot in common with and others will drift apart or fade away. This is how life is, LockerBunny. Not everyone was made to remain in your life. Life transitions and evolves over time.

This time of year, we become sentimental during the holiday season and your birthdays. Try not to get caught up wanting to live up to this image because you need to remain realistic.

Despite how busy people are with their own lives, certain personalities will dictate how much they're willing to invest in friendships such as their time, attention, energy and expense whether they opt to give you gifts or not.

Embrace your other friends who care about you and love you while dismissing the rest. That is how I look at it as I'm in a similar boat as you.

Don't get hurt, LockerBunny. Accept human nature as it is and the sting will be less.

We all want to feel as if we belong and included but you can't force it. Either initiate gatherings or form a new group of friends including your current friends who are conscientious when it comes to you. This is what I do.

Also, don't always look at friends collectively as in groups. Cultivate, nurture and maintain individual friends based upon your agreed schedules such as meeting for a meal, tea, coffee, walks and what have you. Concentrate on individual friends which is more precious than lumping a group of friends like a cattle call.

Then someday, when you decide to host a party, you can invite all of your friends.

Change the way you think.

Stay strong.