Is it wrong to not be happy even with a loving bf?

Hello

So I am very unsure with myself lately.

I have been dating this guy for a year now, (him 32 me, female 30). He is super sweet, loving, caring, would do anything for me, etc. He constantly tells me I am "perfect" to him/for him. But despite all that, I am not happy??

I feel guilty and like a terrible person for not being happy when I have a guy that loves me so much.

The reasons why I feel this way is as follows:

He is extremely clingy/needy. In the beginning, yeah it was nice to have a guy want me so much. But I've come to realize it is not just wanting me so much, but literally clinging to me because he is afraid of me leaving him, or constantly needing me around. Early on, a few months in to the relationship he had clung onto me, tightly, and begged me to never leave him. At the time I hadn't even thought of that, it was still pretty early and I did have feelings for him so I hadn't even thought of leaving.

And he literally always wants me around. He tells me all the time playing games (we are video gamers) by himself isn't the same without me. He has no life outside of me and his parents. He has only really one friend, who will occasionally play games with him. So I am literally his everything. I know as he tells me all the time.

Then there is the issue of his financial situation. He always lives paycheck to paycheck with NO SAVINGS. Not because he has tons of bills or debt of any kind, instead it is spent on giving his parents money all the time and weed mainly. And yet he talks of moving in together and starting our life together, as he constantly tells me he can't wait for that, as again, he misses me constantly. I don't care if someone isn't rich, but what I do care about and I think is important, is if they can manage and save their money for a realistic future. In a year he has shown me he is not reliable financially. And he never has been from what he has told me in the past.

Then of course there are lots of little things, but the gist of it is he tests my patience and annoys me a lot. He repeats himself all the time/forgets things with his horrible memory. One time he even got hurt/upset because I admitted, when he asked, if he had told me something before and I had said yes he had told me that before a few times. And then was all sad and asked "why couldn't you have just said no and acted like you didn't know already?" btw, he had told me about this thing 3 times beforehand, and he asked if he had said it before and I was honest. I guess sorry for being honest, especially when asked??

And I was having a low/sad moment because I've lost touch with pretty much all my friends over the years and I was feeling lonely for friends again. He said to me "You have me! Aren't I enough?" I don't know why, but that really bothered me. Sure, your SO is usually your best friend, but I don't think it is healthy if they are your ONLY close friend. You should have others you can turn to, or others you want to go do things with.

And another thing is, our sex drives. His is very high, and he tends to talk sexual a lot. Now I thought I had a higher sex drive than I am finding out I actually have. Maybe it is because of my BF specifically, idk. But I am content without having sex for long periods, and am actually turned off by his constant need to sexualize things and me specifically. Again, you think I should be happy a guy finds me so attractive and tells me so all the time. But for some reason I don't feel happy or comfortable when he does. I don't get it.

I am his world/everything. He loves me and wants to be with me forever, but I don't think I feel the same way, maybe at first, but not now.

I have been slowly coming to the realization that I am not happy for a few months now. And I completely realized things may be over from my perceptive, for when I had to go away for a week, and he constantly texted me about missing me, and I honestly wasn't missing him. I was content with not having him around.

And I DO want to be loved, cared about, etc by someone, but for some reason, this guy isn't enough?? Or is it because of the things bothering me that it is out weighing the good side?? I just don't know if I am being selfish or what?

I feel even though he loves me so much, it is more dependent for him, than true love? Besides, shouldn't the right person for him not care about his flaws? Should I try to continue to make things work?

Am I a horrible person for not being happy with a guy that loves me so much?

Just so confused on how I am feeling, and if I am wrong for feeling/thinking as I do.

You're not horrible.

The weed is making him complacent and lacking in motivation. Do you smoke weed?

I always ask people this...imagine being with this guy EXACTLY AS HE IS NOW for 40 more years. How does that make you feel?

If someone has to "change" to be right for you, they're wrong for you.

Yes, it's smothering when you are his whole world and he barely has any other support system. There are many dealbreakers you list, and that's the point of dating--to find out if the person has any, or lacks must haves, and then you bail if that's the case.

Yes, it's important that a partner is financially stable, because life is expensive. His career will also be more limiting since he will reject better paying jobs that will test him for drugs. And then you should think of every detail, such as if you had children together, and your child was sick at school and needed to be picked up and your man is closer, but he can't drive because he's stoned. And matching sexual libidos makes for a far more satisfying and less frustrating existence.

You don't have to feel guilty about breaking up with someone who doesn't meet your needs. It's called being smart when it comes to one of the most important decisions of your life. It's a great time, with the new year starting, to begin a new path for yourself. Good luck.

There are so many red flags that I have lost count. The clingyness from the beginning should have been your first warning that this was not healthy.

End this. There is no future! I would also address your own neediness to want someone like this to begin with. It is suffocating and he sounds like loser.

I think it is incredibly controlling and weird that he would think it was okay not to have friends.

There are so many red flags that I have lost count. The clingyness from the beginning should have been your first warning that this was not healthy.

 

End this. There is no future! I would also address your own neediness to want someone like this to begin with. It is suffocating and he sounds like loser.

Yes. Why would you frame it as you wanting to break up with someone who loves and cares for you? I don't find what you described as loving -it is insecure and self-absorbed and controlling.

You're not horrible, and you're lucky that you realize before it's too late that he's not right for you.

He'll survive the breakup. Don't stay with him because you think he won't.

This is typically how online relationships go.

There’s nothing to really build on but ideas and the ideas he’s selling you aren’t all that great so there’s nothing truly holding you to him.

It sounds like you’re done.

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I believe that is a big part of it as well. And no I do not. I personally don't like it, but don't judge nor would ever tell someone they cannot smoke it if that is their wish.

When he started to talk of actually wanting to move in (claimed he wanted to be by christmas this year) I mentioned then he needs to start saving money. Which made him realize he was spending $200 on weed every paycheck (so every 2 weeks). He planned to quit, finish what he had and go cold turkey. It lasted a day. His mother helped him convince himself to just cut back. I'm not surprised as he was very defensive of weed, not to me personally, but as the stigma as a whole.

He even kept saying he'd get me to smoke someday. He'd say after 20/30 years being together he'd get me to smoke. And I told him, many times, I doubt that as I do not care to smoke at all. He hasn't said it for a little while, so not sure if he still thinks this.

And that is a good way of thinking about it, if he is exactly as he is now, I probably would be fed up.

Also I agree with your last sentence. It is a big reason why I keep leaning towards breaking up. I would never want to make someone change for me, only if THEY wanted to. And I wouldn't expect them to change WHO they are as a person, if I am unhappy, to me it just means we aren't as compatible as he would like to believe. Only thing I could see being a ok thing to "change" would be the financial thing. That I can see as being something that one can ask to be changed. But that isn't the only reason I'm unhappy, thus as you say, "they're wrong for you."

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I agree, just I have always been told that you overlook some flaws, because no one is perfect. And because of that I always try to give chances, or try to overlook and deal with things that I don't like or annoy me. But I got to the point where there was just too many I suppose.

I thought about that too. And actually was a point of a problem. He got hurt at work, should have gone to the doctor, but couldn't because it was a mandatory drug test and he would have been fired on the spot, despite it being legal in our state and his bosses already knowing he smokes. And he couldn't do a few days cleanse of no smoking because he had smoked everyday, multiple times, for many months. Which had started an attempt at quitting, to also save money, lasted a day. But he did cut back supposedly. Not sure if he is still cutting back as it never did help him stop living paycheck to paycheck.

Yes, very true, Thank you!

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I agree, the clingyness at the beginning did worry me, but I just overlooked it, at least until the "rose glasses" came off.

I don't want someone like this, obviously as I am unhappy. I think what I did have a neediness for was to feel loved. My past two ex's, I never felt loved like this guy has been able to make me feel loved. He has been very gentlemanly, helping me when I needed it, worries about me, was willing to take days off work to drive me to and from a surgery I had and needed a ride for, would do anything for me within his ability. I've never had that before from a bf, and I let it block out all the red flags.

And oh I agree 100%, that comment about the friends was bothersome. And the only time I actually noticed any controlling behavior.

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Honestly, I only saw the friends comment thing as possible controlling. Everything else is just flaws of his that I couldn't handle.

And by loving, as I replied to someone else, he would do anything for me, very gentlemanly, gave me a feeling of being loved, that I never really got before from a bf.

And I honestly never noticed a self-absorbed behavior. I won't deny the insecure part, he is insecure to a tenfold. He was constantly worried about me leaving him, and now that I finally am thinking of it, and have been a little more distant, he is taking notice and is constantly telling me how much I mean to him, how much he loves me, how perfect I am to him, how I am his other half, even how much alike we are and even gave a list of those things, since I asked how so. But everything he listed was a "yeah, and?" to me. Just because we are similar in certain respects, doesn't mean we are perfect for each other.

I honestly do believe he loves me. He is obsessed with me. But I also know it is unhealthy, as I feel he has me on this pedestal and it isn't good if I am the only source of joy for him. It is very dependent behavior.

You're not horrible, and you're lucky that you realize before it's too late that he's not right for you.

 

He'll survive the breakup. Don't stay with him because you think he won't.

It is nice to see I am not horrible, and does help in my decision to end things.

Though I will admit I do worry how he'll handle it as he is very obsessed with me. I know he'll survive, but I fear it'll be messy for him, and I hate having to hurt/crush him, but I can't keep trying.

This is typically how online relationships go.

 

There’s nothing to really build on but ideas and the ideas he’s selling you aren’t all that great so there’s nothing truly holding you to him.

 

It sounds like you’re done.

Actually, funny thing is this ISN'T a online relationship lol

sorry if it seemed so.

Now my first two relationships WERE long distance online relationships that are as you described. Both guys were hard for money, each for different reasons. One finally admitted to not actually wanting to come visit my family and the other hid he was $20k in debt and wouldn't be able to come visit, let alone start a life with me for many years.

But this guy I'm with now, he lives only 12 miles away.

You are not a horrible person. That's what dating and relationships are for: getting to know each other and deciding if you want to continue. I really believe anyone can dump anyone for any reason. The main reason being: you don't want to be with the person anymore. That's reason enough. It's totally ok to decide to put the brakes on and end it or to explain your feelings and ask for changed behavior. The thing is change is hard and I would not expect it. What is not cool is to mess with a person's feelings, cheat, hold on to them until you find better or use them in anyway.

With that said, everything you said, just sounds like, straight up the relationship has run it's course. I read somewhere that the red flags we compromise on or accept in the beginning. of a relationship, become the very things that end it. And I can look back on my own past relationships and it's kinda true. I let something go and in the end I couldn't stand it anymore. Like you, he was kinda clingy, but when you were in the honey moon phase, you looked past it. Now, it's choking you.

The financial aspect, that is a real concern when deciding to move forward or end it. Money is the source of a lot of arguments in marriage. If he takes financial responsibility for his parents, you need to really think about can you deal with that. These are both really personal decisions and it's ok to decide for yourself. It's very telling when you go away from the person and you realize you are happier without them.

Sorry the next part is really hard-- ending it. But I think we all know that's what is coming. End it and have a clean break. Stinks. I am sorry.

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Very true, and I would never want to change a person. I wouldn't want anyone to change who I am as a person, so I wouldn't make someone else change for me. If it was something they wanted to change, of course I'd support them. Financial things I feel could be something we could push to have changed, but honestly, he has lived like this his whole life, he is 32 and has never had a savings, which was terrifying to me. What would he expect to happen in say an emergency car problem, or household issue. Savings is the lifeblood to get by in life, I hate that it makes me feel money hungry, but it is a sad reality that money is needed to get through life.

Thank you. I just need to get the courage to break it off with him. I don't know if I want to go full out in all the reasons to him, as I know he'll try the "I'll change" spiel. Of course I know it would just be to try to grasp on and not lose me, but the thing is, he knows some of these things are issues about himself, but he hasn't attempted to work on them. Even says he knows he should get therapy for some things, but just doesn't try for it after saying it multiple times.

And I agree about not cheating, holding on until something better, using them, etc.

I think I am someone who takes a little while to figure my own thoughts out, and also takes me a little bit to realize that things aren't right. I plan to end things very very soon now that others are making me see that yes, these are red flags/deal breakers and I don't have to stick around.

Next I just need to get the courage to speak up and end it. I personally have issues with confrontation and speaking up/my mind.

I agree, just I have always been told that you overlook some flaws, because no one is perfect. And because of that I always try to give chances, or try to overlook and deal with things that I don't like or annoy me. But I got to the point where there was just too many I suppose.

 

I thought about that too. And actually was a point of a problem. He got hurt at work, should have gone to the doctor, but couldn't because it was a mandatory drug test and he would have been fired on the spot, despite it being legal in our state and his bosses already knowing he smokes. And he couldn't do a few days cleanse of no smoking because he had smoked everyday, multiple times, for many months. Which had started an attempt at quitting, to also save money, lasted a day. But he did cut back supposedly. Not sure if he is still cutting back as it never did help him stop living paycheck to paycheck.

 

Yes, very true, Thank you!

Your bf is a boatload of flaws. Have you dated people like this in the past?

You should not have overlooked any of this, starting with the neediness in the beginning.

Your bf is a boatload of flaws. Have you dated people like this in the past?

Not his specific flaws no, but I have only been in two other relationships. Both were long distance (one was 700 miles away and in Canada, while the other one was 900 here in the states.) and both had issues with money. One lived paycheck to paycheck because he spent it constantly on random things mainly. Though at least he had his own apartment, but there were a lot of other issues with that one. Second ex was just in a bad spot, very depressed, some ptsd issues from an ex, and refused to get therapy/help. He was in a hole and he refused to seek help or better his life for himself. Also he was $20k in debt and didn't tell me until the breakup conversation.

First ex I visited, he never visited me or my family here, dated for 2.5 years. Second ex I never met in person, dated 3 years, and only reason for that long is because I really did like this guy, and stayed with him a year longer than I should have.

So mainly money is the biggest common issue, with of course other things.

And I do have a tendency to overlook things for quite awhile. Keep giving chances persay. This is the quickest I've come to the realization that I was unhappy and done with the relationship, and I do think it is because of the experience from the last two.

Owl, you need to recognize that you are the common denominator in this scenario. You continue to gravitate towards men who are losers and do not present a stable future. The first two were long distance, and all have financial issues.

Also, When someone is needy it is a form of control and manipulation. This is not love. The bit about you believing he is obsessed, should be disturbing and a huge turnoff. By continuing to choose the people you do, you are guaranteeing yourself an unhappy future.

You need to aim higher. Much higher!

You need to implement deal breakers. The weed should have been one. He is spending money that he does not have. He is a man child

Just think of it this way: You'd be hurting him more by not breaking up and trying to stifle your unhappiness and letting it drag out for a few more years, THEN breaking up with him.

To the contrary, you're not a horrible person for not being happy with a guy that loves you so much.

He's too insecure. I would run for the hills if I were you! And, he doesn't know how to save money. He gives his parents money all the time and too busy buying and smoking weed.

He also has terrible memory which is so frustrating.

You need to cut this guy loose.

Tell him the truth and breakup honestly and respectfully. Be prepared though because this breakup won't go over very well.

You need to save your sanity by severing ties with your leech boyfriend.

This guy will be hard to break up with. It will crush him but he will be okay.

Haven’t you tried talking to him? I fear it’s past that point anyway

Plus, you stated (quite a lot) that you know how much he loves you..but you never mentioned that you love him.

Just a thought.

I see so many red flags from beginning to the end of this post. The one that stuck out to me is the weed thing; I left a woman years ago mainly because of that, she was ALWAYS stoned when I saw her, and I don't smoke weed.

He may seem "nice" and "caring", which may be true, but behind all that, he sounds very controlling. All the "I'm your world", "you're all I have", "you don't need anyone else, you have me" sort of things are huge deal breakers already. Yes, your S.O. means something huge in your life, but it should not be the only thing in your life.

I was in two LTRs that ended horribly wrong, and I ended up cutting contact with both of my exes. I got the same old "you're a nice guy" kind of stuff, but me I was never controlling at all. What it came down to for me was that I was with women who didn't know what they wanted. They would leave, then start coming back, then I would go NC. I realized that both of my exes had friends and a life outside of our relationships. My latest ex even had a guy friend whom I saw a few times, and there was one time he actually came up and scared her by hugging her from behind, and I gave him a high five afterwards. He even asked me if that's OK with me if he could do that, and my response was "who am I to tell you what to do? If she's cool with it then so am I". In my opinion, if you have to worry about your S.O. messing around behind your back, you should not be in that relationship to begin with. It sounds to me that your S.O. is insecure thinking that you're going to either cheat or leave him for someone else.

In my honest, humble opinion, I would consider calling that relationship quits, sweetheart. This guy sounds way too clingy, insecure, and controlling. Those are telltale signs that something could go wrong. End things now, before you get in to deep. It'll hurt for him, and I'm sure for you too, but what he needs to realize is that it's life. He'll get over it eventually.

Good luck to you.

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you've grown inert and complacent. You are incompatible and do not love him, but lack the strength to set both yourselves free.

Not sure what the attraction to a lazy pothead who lives with his parents is. You need to stop playing video games this much and smoking weed if you want to spend time meeting quality men. Change yourself first, then you'll meet decent men.

He doesn't "love you so much" he loves weed, sex and video games and you simply put up with it. There is zero future with a guy like this. You are coasting along because you are afraid to leave this overgrown stoner.

I am not happy

He is extremely clingy/needy.

He has no life outside of me and his parents.

He always lives paycheck to paycheck with NO SAVINGS.

it is spent on weed mainly.He repeats himself all the time/forgets things with his horrible memory.

I agree, the clingyness at the beginning did worry me, but I just overlooked it, at least until the "rose glasses" came off.

 

I don't want someone like this, obviously as I am unhappy. I think what I did have a neediness for was to feel loved. My past two ex's, I never felt loved like this guy has been able to make me feel loved. He has been very gentlemanly, helping me when I needed it, worries about me, was willing to take days off work to drive me to and from a surgery I had and needed a ride for, would do anything for me within his ability. I've never had that before from a bf, and I let it block out all the red flags.

 

And oh I agree 100%, that comment about the friends was bothersome. And the only time I actually noticed any controlling behavior.

Why does this feel like love to you? My guess is he may have a bad memory but it's exacerbated by his neediness -he's so focused on wanting your approval he doesn't really listen to what you have to say - he's listening to the tapes in his head and not you. If you want love like this get a puppy. You know -my husband saved my life basically when I had a post-pregnancy life threatening condition at home. And I was a bit upset when I had a bad situation last spring - a wisdom tooth that needed to be extracted right then - my son in school, an after school "graduation" I had to attend and my husband leaving for a cross country business trip. He said he was sorry he couldn't be there for me -and he knew I was resilient, that I could handle it, and to cancel his work trip to take me to the oral surgeon -nope -he could get in serious issues with his employer if he did that and it wasn't worth it. Yes I could have used some TLC from him, yes I was scared of taking care of my son after getting the extraction, of having complications, etc. But love comes in many forms -he shows me love by believing in me. Had I asked him to stay he probably would have depending. But I didn't. Yes he texted me later about how I was feeling. Yes he would have called friends, etc to come over if I needed help.

Just an example - the "I'd do anything for you" -yes, is a given -but if someone really knows you, loves you and doesn't just react out of a need for approval - they might show love by showing you you can stand on your own two feet, too.