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Girl has depression and dumped me?


Rawksteddy

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I was dating this girl for a few months. Over the last month a couple really bad things happened which seemed to trigger her depression. After which she would barely meet up with me but would still continue to text me. She says she has really bad depression issues. About a week ago I noticed that she’d blocked me off Snapchat as well as Instagram but had kept me on facebook. I thought maybe it was because she was hiding something so started to pull back on the texting. This apparently upset her and she asked me if I was with someone else. I explained to her that I wasn’t. And asked her how come she never wants to see me anymore. She responded that she didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Then she said that she was sorry but we should end things because it isn’t fair for me to have to put up with her problems and she feels like she’s dragging me down And just wants to be friends. I responded and let her know that maybe she’s right and that I care about her a lot but perhaps we should go our separate ways and I’ll miss her.

 

The next day I started ruminating over things. And started playing Facebook detective. Then started thinking that maybe she’d been seeing someone else and dumped me to be with him (There’s obviously been a few red flags). So I unfriended her on Facebook because I didn’t want to continue creeping her Facebook page. She messaged me angry because I unfriended her. I explained that I was ruminating and didn’t want to feel upset and needed my space for now. Then she asked if I can’t be her friend. I told her that it’s not the relationship I want with her. She responded and told me that she’s sorry for hurting me and that she cares about me. I told her that I didn’t want to talk about my feelings or be just friends and she can get in touch if she wants to start going on dates again.

 

Now I’m feeling kinda bad because on the one hand, I don’t want to just abandon her when she’s feeling depressed. On the other I don’t want to get hurt finding out that shes been lying to me and has been with another guy for the past month while stringing me along and now is in a relationship with him.

 

Is there anything to be done in this situation or should it just be left alone and I should walk away?

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Walk away.

 

She pulled back from dating, and said she doesn't want that, but then tried to friendzone you. You did the right thing to reject that - two reasons:

 

1. If you do go there, thee is no way back to romance.

 

2. You are not her nursemaid, or therapist, and you can't fix her, so don't try.

 

You should go forward on the basis she is gone and will not be part of your life. that way, if she ever does take another look, you can re-assess whether you want to date her then.

 

It is amusing to see that when you withdrew your attention, you immediately got hers, but the compartmentalizing of SM is a real red flag.

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Yeah. The compartmentalizing of social media kinda put me on a bad one. I don’t see any reason for it other than wanting hide things from me. I never even called her out on it but just went immediately to withdraw attention. And if moving forward as her not being part of my life, I’m already day 2 of NC. It’s also interesting how quickly she noticed I removed her off fb. Within two hours. And I hardly ever even use it.

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Now I’m feeling kinda bad because on the one hand, I don’t want to just abandon her when she’s feeling depressed If she suffers from depression, she will likely battle it for a lifetime. Since she hasn't told you she's going to a psychiatrist and getting on meds and asks you to be patient, why would you consider sticking around for someone you've known 60 days, and who has regressed instead of progressed with you?

 

She's done you a favor. Take it.

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why would you consider sticking around for someone you've known 60 days, and who has regressed instead of progressed with you?

 

She's done you a favor. Take it.

 

Because we had a lot of fun together and she is going through a lot right now. We were together longer than 60 days. But she did admit herself that it isn’t getting any better after a month. I get depression and anxiety and I wouldn’t want someone ditching me over it. That being said, I would still make time to see the person I’m dating and not dump them if I wanted to be with them. And I generally avoid throwing up red flags. Her issues do seem significantly worse than mine (assuming she’s honest). But I’d say that’s more likely a reflection on how we deal with it. but I dunno, she ended things, so I guess it isn’t my problem anymore.

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Sorry to hear this. Don't be manipulated. She needs doctors and therapists, not bfs or friendzoning guys. You did the right thing disconnecting from her. Tell her you hope she gets the help and support she needs and wish her well.

I was dating this girl for a few months. She says she has really bad depression issues. Is there anything to be done in this situation or should it just be left alone and I should walk away?
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Sorry to hear this. Don't be manipulated. She needs doctors and therapists, not bfs or friendzoning guys. You did the right thing disconnecting from her. Tell her you hope she gets the help and support she needs and wish her well.

 

Can you explain the statement you made about not being manipulated please? I just want to understand a bit better.

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Hm. I strongly dislike this. I’ll try to be as nice and honest as I can.

 

I suffer and have battle/battled with severe depression. The things that she didn’t aren’t far fetched. I have been in situations where due to me suffering, I wouldn’t want anyone else to see me suffer, so I have also ended up blocking people because depression can be deemed as embarrassing sometimes, especially to people that aren’t going through it.

 

She gave you a valid reason as to why she broke up with you and wants space, and yet, you took it into your own arms to assume that she has someone else on the line. And yes, of course she may notice that you unfriended her. If you guys were on good or okay terms, then it’s normal that she may genuinely be curious and wonder why or what happened for you to do that. Just because she’s suffering doesn’t mean she still can’t be curious about things, and when she does get better, she may have still wanted a friendship.

 

I also highly disagree with these other replies. Depression is a mental illness, not a burden. It doesn’t mean that people with depression doesn’t deserve friendships/relationships, and therapy and meds can only do so much. Some people don’t have access or the resources for it, but either way, I personally know people who are in relationships with mental health issues, and are also capable of having a healthy relationship. Emotional support doesn’t equal therapy. It doesn’t mean she would have used you for her issues, or turn your relationship into an emotional exchange bank. I have depression and I don’t have a therapist, but I also know not to treat my friends like ones either. They still support me and help me as best as they can through my episodes, and have saved my life. Listening, caring, and wanting someone to be okay isn’t therapy. I promise you anyone can do that. Even if you guys stayed together, it doesn’t mean you would have been her ‘therapist’, and frankly that’s a bit ignorant to assume. If you get married and a partner goes through a rough patch of depression, it doesn’t mean you should just get up and go. I don’t know how long her depression will last for, but even you said yourself that bad things happened to trigger it. So why would you think there’s a back story of her cheating or stringing you along going on?

 

If she wants space; that’s fine. But she wasn’t being manipulative or mean. She’s a human that suffers with depression and believes that space is needed to work on it. That is all. All relationships will have rough patches, it doesn’t mean to suddenly assume the person will never get better. I’m not saying to wait for her, she is allowed to move on and find others, and so are you. I just wish people were more empathetic towards mental illnesses and didn’t have a black and white view on it. It works differently for everyone, and everyone also reacts differently as well. You didn’t abandon her, but you unfriending her due to overthinking and overanalyzing a simple situation about mental health wasn’t the best either.

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I’m sorry you’ve had to struggle with severe depression. That must be really hard. She does have sever depression, there’s no question about it. But for me. I don’t really understand how I fit into this picture as being a friend when that isn’t what I want at all. Maybe she did just feel that it was unfair to me to be held up waiting for someone who has trouble getting out of bed or leaving the house. There’s a lot of things left unexplained in this situation.

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Agree. You've only been dating a few months and she needs to sort herself out. You don't have to be friendzoned until then. She has friends, family, doctors and therapists who can help her sort through things.

I don’t really understand how I fit into this picture as being a friend when that isn’t what I want at all.
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You don’t have to be her friend if you don’t want to be. I completely understand the feeling of just wanting to be in someone’s life romantic wise. And you’re also correct, a lot of times with depression, you start self sabotaging and think thoughts such as “This person can do so much better than me. I don’t want them to see me like this. I can barely leave my bed, they’re better off without me and finding someone who’s more capable mentally, I can’t provide them with what they want,” and this leads to even more confusing and overthinking thoughts. You start guilt tripping yourself and making yourself think you’re making everyone’s lives worse. With depression, it really wont make sense because the thoughts are illogical and clouded with an emotional disorder. It’s completely okay to communicate and tell her you’re not interested in being friends. Maybe you guys can try again when she’s in a better state of mind. I just don’t think you should completely abandon her. Therapists and meds help, but she isn’t a robot. It would still be nice to maybe check up and see how she’s doing every couple of weeks/months if that isn’t too much to ask. If she doesn’t reply, it’s okay. I think she would appreciate the thought and you giving her space to grow regardless :) best of luck to you.

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So I spoke with her today. And asked about why she had blocked me on snapchat. She said that she had deleted her account. This is an absolute 100% lie. I can tell the difference on there between unfriending, blocking, and deleting and account. She is hiding things and trying to cover them up. It’s always the worst when you trust someone. If she wanted to see other people she could’ve just said so instead of stringing me along until things were secured with him. Those are always the ones that hurt the most.

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So I spoke with her today. And asked about why she had blocked me on snapchat. She said that she had deleted her account. This is an absolute 100% lie. I can tell the difference on there between unfriending, blocking, and deleting and account. She is hiding things and trying to cover them up. It’s always the worst when you trust someone. If she wanted to see other people she could’ve just said so instead of stringing me along until things were secured with him. Those are always the ones that hurt the most.

 

Do you want to continue to be in this situation? There seems to be lots of drama and asking if this is something you want to deal with? You caught her in a lie and you have two options. Stay in the pool with her and call her out, confront her, see what happens next, or you can get out of the pool, tell her to have a good life and move on.

The choice is yours. If you do decide to stay in this out of curiosity then whatever feelings you feel good or bad is going to be you asked for it. Or you can let her go and find someone else. Your move

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Actually it made me feel a lot better because I hadn’t really caught her lying before and I honestly wouldn’t have a problem with things if she was honest and just having depression. So it was causing me to over analyze things too much because I didn’t know if I just was having trust issues and should be a bit more patient or if she was being shady. But now I feel quite comfortable in my decision and don’t really need to think about it anymore :o).

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Ok, then just leave each other alone. You think she's lying/cheating and she tells you she's too depressed to date. What is the point? It seems to have run it's course for whatever reason and you have nothing to offer each other. Your time would be better spent moving on than indulging this. Dating from a standpoint of distrust is pointless.

Actually it made me feel a lot better because I hadn’t really caught her lying before and I honestly wouldn’t have a problem with things if she was honest and just having depression.
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Ok, then just leave each other alone. You think she's lying/cheating and she tells you she's too depressed to date. What is the point? It seems to have run it's course for whatever reason and you have nothing to offer each other. Your time would be better spent moving on than indulging this. Dating from a standpoint of distrust is pointless.

Well yeah I don’t know with any certainty if she was cheating. But there’s definitely some shadiness from her end. And honesty for me is a huge thing. IMO things didn’t end in a real dramatic or negative way. If she came to me and said that she wanted to work things out, I’d consider taking her up on it. But it would require effort from both our parts and based on what I’ve seen, I think it’s unlikely that she’d be willing to put the work in for us to be mutually satisfied. So right now I’m moving on, setting up dates with other women, and if she decides to come back and is committed to making things work, I’ll cross that bridge when it happens.

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Okay, Be honest. If she came around and said she wanted to be back with you. She wouldn't have to put in any effort. You would take her back instantly because that would make you happy.

This is why you feel the way you do.

You have a golden opportunity to start fresh with someone else. You have decided to have drama in your life. This is not that complicated to figure out. Good luck and remember...this is what you wanted.

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My ex suffers from this level of depression and anxiety. We are resetting or whatever with regular dates and conversations, I have a big thread about it on here in getting back together, and the honesty thing would be a deal breaker for me.

 

It takes a lot to be around people sometimes when they’ve altered the relationship and when they’re psychologically incapable of putting in as much effort as you to warm a relationship/connection/whatever. But to lie and conceal is an outright respect indicator in my opinion, and I think you did a good job uncovering this for your own sense of inner peace.

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Okay, Be honest. If she came around and said she wanted to be back with you. She wouldn't have to put in any effort. You would take her back instantly because that would make you happy.

This is why you feel the way you do.

You have a golden opportunity to start fresh with someone else. You have decided to have drama in your life. This is not that complicated to figure out. Good luck and remember...this is what you wanted.

 

I haven’t spoke with her since I brought it up in my last post. If she were to message me it would probably be because she’s lonely and bored. And that wouldn’t mean we’re getting back together. If she wanted to get back together 100% she’d have to put a good effort in. I just don’t see it happening and I’m well on my way to being over her. Not super concerned about it.

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My ex suffers from this level of depression and anxiety. We are resetting or whatever with regular dates and conversations, I have a big thread about it on here in getting back together, and the honesty thing would be a deal breaker for me.

 

It takes a lot to be around people sometimes when they’ve altered the relationship and when they’re psychologically incapable of putting in as much effort as you to warm a relationship/connection/whatever. But to lie and conceal is an outright respect indicator in my opinion, and I think you did a good job uncovering this for your own sense of inner peace.

 

Yeah the honesty thing is definitely a huge red flag. Also not a fan of how she tries to make everything to be my fault even though it’s something that she’s doing. It does come across as being quite manipulative. I don’t want to be naive and assume she won’t message me again but I kinda hope she doesn’t lol.

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