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Thread: Hardest decision of my life

  1. #1

    Hardest decision of my life

    I am thinking of leaving my girlfriend of 9 years. We have a child together (he is 7 now). Through out the relationship she has always kept in contact with her exs and on more then one occasion she has trade nudes with them. There have been times she has disappeared for a few nights only for me to find out later she was with one of the exs(at least three different ones over the time I have been with her). When I confronted her about it she would say nothing happened and just fell asleep watching movies. I always took her word until one day just before Christmas on 2017 I found her in bed with another man. I had worked a job that was 5 hours away from home at the time and would stay at my parents house during the week and every weekend I would make the 5 hour commute to be with her and my son for the weekend. I forgave her after and she promised me that this would stop. So around 6 months ago I purchased a new home and we had a lot of her family and friends over. We had a bonfire going and I had gone inside to use the bathroom. I came out of the house and saw my girlfriend sitting on the porch stairs away from the party and sat down next to her (she didnt notice it was me that had come out of the house)only to see on her phone she was again receiving nude pics again. Once she realized it was she quickly put her phone away. I didnt say anything at the time but I have been incredibly unhappy since then. I feel like I have been lied to and hurt. I am thinking of leaving her but I feel terrible as if I have her leave my home her, her mom and other children have no where to go. Am I wrong for feeling this way? (Sorry, this is the short version of it I'm at work).
    Last edited by Quartersh0e; 12-27-2019 at 10:30 AM. Reason: Change

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Since you are not married and it's your house. Get an attorney to find the best way to get her out. Go to court and petition for custody of your child. You are not the welfare department and she and her family can make other arrangements but you need to provide adequate notice and use appropriate legal devices.

    Your gf clearly has problems that are not going away. Does she have a family history of untreated mental illness or does she drink heavily or do drugs? Does she have a sex addiction or other behavioral problems? Does she or her mother work? Does the father of her other children pay child support? Is she a citizen?
    Originally Posted by Quartersh0e
    I am thinking of leaving my girlfriend of 9 years. We have a child together (he is 7 now). 6 months ago I purchased a new home .If I have her leave my home her, her mom and other children have no where to go.

  3. #3
    No history of mental illness, she does not drink (only when she throws holiday parties)or do drugs, as far as I know there she doesnt have a sex addiction. She works and goes to school online (though i have been doing most of her homework up until recently) her mother does not work. The father of the other children does not pay his child support and never has since I have been with her. She is a US citizen.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Start with a lawyer and get some advice on how to proceed. You are not responsible for her other family members.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I am so sorry you are going through this but you know what you have to do and the sooner the better. 9 years is a long time but you are being used, lied to and cheated on by a serial user/cheater.

    You are only responsible for you and your son, nobody else. Many states consider common law marriage so you need to look into it so you can be prepared.
    I agree with wiseman that you should at least look into the legal part of this and get some advice BEFORE you mention anything to her. It will be money well spent trust me plus it will protect your rights as a father. Be smart.

    As far as the relationship goes you know it is over right? It sounded one sided anyways with her using you for a place to live and someone to support her and her other children while she runs around having sex with who know how many men. You are even doing her homework!!! She doesn't love you, she doesn't respect you and she obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

    It is time to start planning the end of this so called relationship. You will need some sort of court approved custody agreement so stop doing her homework and start doing yours. Be careful to not promise her anything and keep all of your plans private from everyone until you are ready to end things. Then you will need advice on that too. Be aware she could call the police and claim you abused her or a child and the next thing you know you are removed from your own house.

    Hopefully it goes smoothly but plan for the worst and hope for the best. In the end you will be way more happy and you can focus on raising your son in a healthy home.

    Keep posting
    Lost

  7. #6
    I get that but I have been with the children since the youngest was in diapers and I feel like I am letting them down. When I got with my girlfriend the kids were 5, 3 and 1 years old(my son wasnt born yet).

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    Of course you're not wrong for feeling the way you do. Sadly, it seems clear as day that your girlfriend has no sincere desire to stop this behavioróbehavior which has been part of your relationship from day one by the sounds of it. Her unfaithfulness and need for outside male attention is part of your foundation together, not a crack in it or an exception to the rule. It's part of your foundation because it is part of her foundation: who she is, as a person. In you, so far, she has someone who validates it and enables it.

    She is, in a word, shady. As such, your connection has been built in the shade: it only really "works" so long as you can pretend not to see what is right in front of you. That was the first seven years. Two years ago that became impossible, you had a moment of confrontation, and tried to bring it all out into the light. Didn't work, as you learned 6 months ago. You're back in the shade, where you've always been.

    At this point, I'd say the only genuine way out of it is to make this hard choice. I'd start by informing yourself: talk to a lawyer, get a sense of what breaking up would look like, what your responsibilities would be be, legally and financially. Once you have a hard understanding of the logistics, you'll be able to execute this very hard choice with more ease and less emotion. You need a real plan, in short; otherwise you're just risking taking a very messy situation, making it messier, and then trying to clean up that mess with a new mess. Odds are you'll be so overwhelmed by all that that you'll find yourself right back where you are today, finding false comfort in the shade.

    I can't imagine how hard this all is. That said, I also can't imagine it getting easier, or better, together. This hard choice, and hard initial road, will be the beginning of a new life, one where your spirit can thrive. That will make you a richer human, and a better father. Not sure the same could be said for staying in this relationship.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    OK hold up. Before you start calling lawyers...ask yourself, what do you really want? You want to help her? help your marriage? I have to ask, did you ever have her problems resolved with therapy or counseling? or you just took her word and carried on? You know forgiving someone after you catch them doesn't make the issue go away. Her is behavior is habitual and probably been with her for most of her life, long before you. What you both should try and discover is why. Why is she doing it? Does she have insecurity issues, or body or self conscious/insecurities, lack self worth, suffered from neglect growing up? This behavior can stem from childhood, and used as a coping mechanism. I don't condone such behavior, but she just may need help. These things are never just black and white. Getting a divorce may not always be to answer. It all depends what both parties want and willing to do. I think talk with a counselor first to sort this out, will make the decision making easier. If it has to end, at least you know you did everything you could before going through the expense and challenge of settling estate matters, and custody.
    Last edited by smackie9; 12-27-2019 at 02:25 PM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes it's a sad situation for the kids. She on the other hand needs to grow up and start having some integrity.
    Originally Posted by Quartersh0e
    I feel like I am letting them down. When I got with my girlfriend the kids were 5, 3 and 1 years old(my son wasnt born yet).

  11. #10
    I have suggested this in the past and she wouldn't go for it.

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