girl im dating cuddled with another dude

so i've been dating (only dating, no formal relationship) a girl for like a month. you know, with plans for it to become something more serious. actually, but we've been treating each other like girlfriend and boyfriend for a couple of weeks. anyways, a coworker of us, had a party. she spent the night at his apartment but i had to leave. next day she tells me that a friend from us was trying to kiss her the whole night. she says nothing happened but a few minutes later, she tells me she actually fell asleep with him on the couch the whole night. the only reason i feel she is telling me this is because a mutual friend walk into the living room in the middle of the night and saw them laying on the couch in such a way, that she thought they were having sex. she says our friend only made a funny remark about it and walked away. so basically they cuddled. i feel this is a big ass red flag. with a likely chance they had sex. should i try to pursue this girl for a formal relationship (even tho as i said, we were already kinda serious). she is saying she was drunk and it was cold. many factors chimed in but still. what would you do?

Don't date co workers!! It gets messy and she doesn't seem ready for a relationship tbh..

She doesn't sound the most trustworthy. I'd say trust your senses and end it now while you are ahead and not entangled.

I imagine what happened was what looked to be happening to your mutual friend and now she's worried that the other guy will tell you, so she's trying to do some damage limitation by giving you a heavily edited version. Drunk or not, is this the sort of person you could trust and be in a relationship with?

Ok you're not really dating nothing serious, nothing official, nothing exclusive. She can do whatever she wants and so can you until you step up and ask someone to be exclusive rather than vaguely just hanging out. You're both free agents.

 

Next time don't date coworkers, don't date women who get so drunk and cuddle and don't listen to hearsay. Next time go to parties together and leave together and don't leave someone you are supposedly dating left behind and drunk to fend for herself..

 

Step away from everyone who was at this part and all coworkers. Date other women and act like you're dating not just hanging out at the same parties leaving them there drunk. Even a decent friend would have taken her home.

so i've been dating a girl for like a month. anyways, a coworker of us, had a party. she spent the night at his apartment but i had to leave.. so basically they cuddled. she is saying she was drunk and it was cold.

What she said about being drunk was most likely a lie. She isn't exclusive with you or officially yours at all. She doesn't really owe you anything, but her doing this is alil ty. She is def telling you because she thinks the other person will tell you what happened soon.

it sounds like even though you aren't exclusive you were treating her more like you were.

 

And in all honesty, when you really dig someone, the reason you don't hook up with others is because you don't want to. Not because you agreed not to. Do you know what I mean?

 

Also, do you really believe it was just cuddling? "the they way they were laying, she thought they were having sex"

 

what? seeing two people laying together on a couch looks different, than two people that slept together.

 

Besides does sex or cuddling matter? I'd probably end things... it just sets a tone for the future of the relationship and more disrespect.... At very least, you don't deserve to be played with like that. you were there, you left, she's cuddling someone else or who knows.... MAJOR RED FLAG!

You are not official. If you want to lock her down then have the conversation about being official and include in your convo, if she agrees to commitment with you that it means neither of you get to cuddle or anything else with a member of the opposite sex because the relationship is monogamous and exclusive.

 

If she doesn't agree then you know who you're dealing with and you can dump her and find someone that wants the kind of relationship you want.

 

At this point, she can do what she wants with whomever she wants as you can. This is not the days of yore when exclusivity and monogamy were assumed if you were seeing someone for more than a month. Lock her down, or let her go.

 

And in all honesty, when you really dig someone, the reason you don't hook up with others is because you don't want to. Not because you agreed not to. Do you know what I mean?

Debatable comment of the idealist kind. (Not so much the realist kind). Drunk people tend to do things they shouldn't or normally wouldn't do.

You are not official. If you want to lock her down then have the conversation about being official and include in your convo, if she agrees to commitment with you that it means neither of you get to cuddle or anything else with a member of the opposite sex because the relationship is monogamous and exclusive.

 

If she doesn't agree then you know who you're dealing with and you can dump her and find someone that wants the kind of relationship you want.

 

At this point, she can do what she wants with whomever she wants as you can. This is not the days of yore when exclusivity and monogamy were assumed if you were seeing someone for more than a month. Lock her down, or let her go.

 

Debatable comment of the idealist kind. (Not so much the realist kind). Drunk people tend to do things they shouldn't or normally wouldn't do.

 

no debate. not idealist. i would not call this girl again... I would not be willing to tolerate this. exclusive or not. because to stay with her, with this group of co workers/friends says "we really don't care about each other. it's just fun times"

 

which clearly is not the case for the OP.

 

Doing something and blaming it on being drunk is also unacceptable to me....

They've only been dating a couple of weeks. I think that him expecting what you expect after a couple of dates is having unreasonable expectations. If Op wants to continue to date her then he should talk to her about being exclusive and about the romantic relationship boundaries he expects the both of them to adhere to.

 

To expect something that has never even been voiced, to assume that someone thinks as you do is a recipe for a short term coupling in this day and age of ample opportunity. Op of course will do what he thinks is best for him.

 

BTW (and no disrespect intended) just saying "not idealist" doesn't make it so if the shoe fits.

 

Cheers.

They've only been dating a couple of weeks. I think that him expecting what you expect after a couple of dates is having unreasonable expectations. If Op wants to continue to date her then he should talk to her about being exclusive and about the romantic relationship boundaries he expects the both of them to adhere to.

 

To expect something that has never even been voiced, to assume that someone thinks as you do is a recipe for a short term coupling in this day and age of ample opportunity. Op of course will do what he thinks is best for him.

 

BTW (and no disrespect intended) just saying "not idealist" doesn't make it so if the shoe fits.

 

Cheers.

 

just you saying it is idealistic doesn't make it so. You are entitled to your opinion. I'm entitled to mine. I gave a perspective and I stand by it.

 

OP said they have been dating a month, but acting more like gf/bf for a couple of weeks with plans to be in a relationship.....

 

I don't think it's idealist to expect her to show more respect to him within the group... if she cares for him.

 

It's a slippery slope and my opinion is how I would handle it.

just you saying it is idealistic doesn't make it so. You are entitled to your opinion. I'm entitled to mine. I gave a perspective and I stand by it.

 

OP said they have been dating a month, but acting more like gf/bf for a couple of weeks with plans to be in a relationship.....

 

I don't think it's idealist to expect her to show more respect to him within the group... if she cares for him.

 

It's a slippery slope and my opinion is how I would handle it.

I mean, but that's exactly it. It's an opinion. And blanketly applying your opinion to some existential fact that people don't sleep with other people when they care about someone simply because they don't want to is pretty much straight-down-the-list exemplary of idealism. It in fact pretty much demolishes any concept or significance behind commitment and fidelity. There are a lot of people out there could bang 15 men or women in a single evening and return to their spouse with every bit as much love for that spouse as anyone should have. It's not a comfortable reality for many. I'm certainly not endorsing it, nor do I hope my wife goes on any orgy benders. But at the end of the day, it's pretty rare-- or at the very least not a hard rule-- that people don't have sex with other people by virtue of becoming sexually inert toward anyone but their spouse.

 

I'd honestly be incredibly worried if my wife told me it's not because we agreed to our marital boundaries that she doesn't break them. Attraction happens. It's not what matters to me. If we grow old together, there are going to be many decades temptation can rear its ugly head. I'm not banking on her not being tempted. I'm banking on her integrity.

 

And in this case, only having dated a month with no exclusivity (not necessarily blaming the OP for that, and it's fine to make a subjective values-based assessment in who he wants as a partner based on her behavior), there's nothing intrinsically uncaring about foregoing an opportunity to cuddle or even bang a dude she knows she's attracted to on account of a guy she's dated all of a month. I'd say if there's anything I'd ding her on as far as that goes at face value, it's sharing something that didn't need sharing.

 

That said, would I keep dating this woman if I were the OP? It'd be a big "nope." Firstly, it baffles me there are dudes in 2019 with such little interest in their professional self-preservation that they're still dating coworkers. I've pretty much exhausted all sympathy for them at this point. But secondly, it sounds like HR's gonna have its hands full pretty soon if her professional cohort is doubling as her dating pool. And FTR, I'd say the very same for any guy serial dating or getting intimate with multiple coworkers. Just doesn't seem worth it for any long-term or even short-term goals. I wouldn't vocally judge her or make a stink of it. I'd tell her plainly I think it's best we keep things strictly professional between each other.

I mean, but that's exactly it. It's an opinion. And blanketly applying your opinion to some existential fact that people don't sleep with other people when they care about someone simply because they don't want to is pretty much straight-down-the-list exemplary of idealism. It in fact pretty much demolishes any concept or significance behind commitment and fidelity. There are a lot of people out there could bang 15 men or women in a single evening and return to their spouse with every bit as much love for that spouse as anyone should have. It's not a comfortable reality for many. I'm certainly not endorsing it, nor do I hope my wife goes on any orgy benders. But at the end of the day, it's pretty rare-- or at the very least not a hard rule-- that people don't have sex with other people by virtue of becoming sexually inert toward anyone but their spouse.

 

I'd honestly be incredibly worried if my wife told me it's not because we agreed to our marital boundaries that she doesn't break them. Attraction happens. It's not what matters to me. If we grow old together, there are going to be many decades temptation can rear its ugly head. I'm not banking on her not being tempted. I'm banking on her integrity.

 

And in this case, only having dated a month with no exclusivity (not necessarily blaming the OP for that, and it's fine to make a subjective values-based assessment in who he wants as a partner based on her behavior), there's nothing intrinsically uncaring about foregoing an opportunity to cuddle or even bang a dude she knows she's attracted to on account of a guy she's dated all of a month. I'd say if there's anything I'd ding her on as far as that goes at face value, it's sharing something that didn't need sharing.

 

That said, would I keep dating this woman if I were the OP? It'd be a big "nope." Firstly, it baffles me there are dudes in 2019 with such little interest in their professional self-preservation that they're still dating coworkers. I've pretty much exhausted all sympathy for them at this point. But secondly, it sounds like HR's gonna have its hands full pretty soon if her professional cohort is doubling as her dating pool. And FTR, I'd say the very same for any guy serial dating or getting intimate with multiple coworkers. Just doesn't seem worth it for any long-term or even short-term goals. I wouldn't vocally judge her or make a stink of it. I'd tell her plainly I think it's best we keep things strictly professional between each other.

thanks for the laughs.... I could not disagree with you more and I'm not even sure I followed your logic...

 

banging 15 women in one night as an example? I don't know anyone that does that. Or physically could! haha... Is that with it without viagara?

 

I didn't understand your double negative sentence about your wife. Did you mean, you expect the only reason she is not sleeping with others is because of your agreement?

 

I never said a person could not be attracted to another.

 

What the OP chooses to do is his business. I provided an opinion. I don't think it is idealistic. I find it amusing after you ramble for paragraphs you basically agreed with my opinion anyway... to get out if the situation...

 

I'm stepping out of this post, as I feel it is distracting from the OP's question and no longer provides advice. If I am idealistic in the eyes of strangers so be it. I've been called worse. haha.

 

To each their own and Happy New Year to all.

i totally agree with you. everything you've said. sure, she did not cheat on me because we were not "serious" yet. i cant be mad at her. but the issue is more about the trust going forward. normally when you start dating, you want to put out your best. and if she did that surrounded by friends and people who knew about us, god knows what she might/would do in private and with people i don't know. not a good start and you cant enter a relationship having so many doubts about someone. thanks for the replies.

and if she did that surrounded by friends and people who knew about us,.

I think that's the crux of the matter^

 

If you are interested in someone and hoping it moves forward, you don't spend the night wrapped around a coworker or a mutual friend. Not if you want to preserve what you've got going on with someone else to begin with.

 

It suggests her level of interest. She risked it and risked everyone knowing about it.

How do you come back from that?

 

Commitment or no commitment, if coworker I dated thought to do the same after I've left the party, I'd figure it's his prerogative but I'd likely not be interested in anything further with him.

What about the fact she did it out in the open? I'd be more concerned if they sneaked off.

Integrity is the key word here....she doesn't have any.

So you just took off, left her there and all you know is third hand hearsay from this other girl? Move on from both of these girls. Next time, decide on being exclusive and go to and leave parties together as a couple. If you don't step up what do you expect?

i had to leave. a mutual friend walk into the living room in the middle of the night and saw them laying on the couch in such a way, that she thought they were having sex.

So you just took off, left her there and all you know is third hand hearsay from this other girl? Move on from both of these girls. Next time, decide on being exclusive and go to and leave parties together as a couple. If you don't step up what do you expect?

^^^ that about sums it up, IMO.