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Thread: Husband and I disagree about how to manage family time during holidays

  1. #1

    Husband and I disagree about how to manage family time during holidays

    My husband and I just got married, though we've been together for 5 years. Every other part of our relationship is fine, but we have one major disagreement that we can't seem to settle ourselves. He feels that it's absolutely necessary to spend holidays together and take turns with whose parents we see each year. His parents live in Wisconsin and mine live in Oregon and we can't afford two trips. Family is more important to me than the actual holiday, I just want to be with my parents. I compromised this year and agreed to see his parents in Wisconsin and it's absolutely killing me that I missed out on my own parents. I'm lucky to have in-laws who love me, and his parents are very sweet, but that doesn't cover up the homesickness I feel for my own parents.

    Am I so crazy for suggesting that we spend a couple of weeks apart for the holidays so we each get to see our own parents? We are together constantly for the rest of the year. I just don't think a couple of weeks apart once a year is such a big deal.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    Your husband is your family and you should be spending the time together. Every couple I know alternates the holidays. Can't your parents visit you?

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Leah33's Avatar
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    If you can see them at other times of the year and sometimes during the holidays is it imperative to spend those two weeks apart?

    How does your husband feel being separated for those two weeks?

    My married friends/family members all spend time with their parents differently and sometimes it changes from year to year.

    The beauty of it is that as a married couple you get to form your own traditions.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Mine and my husbandís family live in the same city thankfully . We see mine Christmas Day and his Boxing Day. No argument about it in 30 years.

    Say you see his for Thanksgiving , then yours for Christmas etc etc. Alternate. Your husband is now your family, parents should come after your spouse.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Where do you live now and why? Whose idea was it to live there? It sounds like you are homesick in general and this has nothing to do with holidays. Go visit your parents more often or ask if they will visit you more often. Why can't you visit them on your own whenever you have some time off?
    Originally Posted by kostaglodova
    His parents live in Wisconsin and mine live in Oregon and we can't afford two trips. the homesickness I feel for my own parents.

  7. #6
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    I'm sorry this holiday was hard - I agree with alternating and changing your mindset that it has to be "on the holiday" - that way you have flexibility and a much much cheaper air flight/trip if it's not prime time. When my son was 10 months old and we'd relocated away from the city I lived in the first 43 years of my life - 800 miles away for my husband's job -he went back to our home city over the holidays to see his parents - I really didn't want to travel with a baby over the holidays -too stressful. But after the holidays we traveled to our home city again and we got that time (because then we had a place to stay that wasn't a hotel). Think outside of the box. He is your family now and establish the routine now so if you have a child you'll have that in place.

    To add -I always found it really odd when we'd been living in our new city for years and friends from our original city would ask "so are you coming home for the holidays?" And I'd explain that this city was now "our home" and that we'd visit our former city soon. I know I wrote 'home city" for shorthand. I'm not sure why people assume you have to go 'home" for the holidays if you live with your partner and family somewhere else.

  8. #7
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You should be with your husband for the holidays. Alternating the time spent is what most couples do. Why is it that you feel you must spend the holidays with your family more than with your husband?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Giving up time with your family back home isn't "compromise." The wife and I don't alternate. There are no children in the picture and conferences aside, we spend every day of the rest of the year together. Your situation may be different, but while I work seasonally, holiday leave for her isn't handed out like charity. If one of us would prefer to join the other and visit their family, we're both of course more than welcome-- which has happened on a few occasions. But I've got no reason to expect her to give up opportunities to travel and visit family. Not at all hating on couples who mutually for whatever reason can't enjoy time visiting family 2 of the 52 weeks a year without their spouse present, but I've never understood why couples without children create this kind of drama and don't just milk the simplicity.
    Last edited by j.man; 12-29-2019 at 10:03 AM.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Giving up time with your family back home isn't "compromise." The wife and I don't alternate. There are no children in the picture and conferences aside, we spend every day of the rest of the year together. Your situation may be different, but while I work seasonally, holiday leave for her isn't handed out like charity. If one of us would prefer to join the other and visit their family, we're both of course more than welcome-- which has happened on a few occasions. But I've got no reason to expect her to give up opportunities to travel and visit family. Not at all hating on couples who mutually for whatever reason can't enjoy time visiting family 2 of the 52 weeks a year without their spouse present, but I've never understood why couples without children create this kind of drama and don't just milk the simplicity.
    I agree with this too -for me it doesn't have to revolve around "the holiday" - it's not Norman Rockwell. It's just like you can do someone's bday celebration within the month or even at another time if needed.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There are no "shoulds". It's what you decide and holidays "should" not be subpoenas that only breed resentment. Never feed into that mentality. Visit your family as you see fit. Why create drama and resentment?
    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    You should be with your husband for the holidays.

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