I Feel Trapped

This is such a long story, but I will try and keep it short.

I'm 33 years old. I moved from an awful area to sunny Southern San Diego, when I was 29, to live with my dad after my mom had passed. My dad has a best friend, we will call him D. D is 20 years my father's junior. (46) D was married when we began our friendship that eventually led into emotional cheating. He then left his wife before anything physical. It has been over three years that we've been together now.

So, here's my issue(s). When we were friends he showed me his best side, his fun side, his accepting side, open minded side, fun-loving side. Almost all of this came to a complete hault upon living together, which is immediately after he left his wife. We did our fair share of going out in the beginning, so sometimes thing were fueled by alcohol. But there were instances of him being pretty damned mean to me, gaslighting, not letting me talk about my past (EVER), etc. He even made me call my best friend from where I had previously lived because he was a male, and felt threatened by him. He "made" me, in front of him, tell my BEST FRIEND of HALF MY LIFE that I could no longer talk to him anymore because I choose "him". It still devastates me to this day. But yes, I went along with it. I was scared. I didn't want him to leave me, or torture me anymore than he already had. I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning before him without him flipping out on me... and I mean MAD. Yes, all red flags. Should have left. But I just envisioned this perfect little life where I could be his doting housewife and he my loving husband.

We did seek therapy. He has immensely improved. IMMENSELY. I still don't do certain things (like talk about living in New Orleans because I lived there with an ex-boyfriend or call my best friend), but all in all - he's made huge strides. The craziest stuff I've left out, but all those things never happened again. It seemed... good.

I suppose my problem is two fold. I am unhappy in this relationship but can't fathom leaving. I have a college education, but no work history because I am mentally ill and heavily medicated, relying on his insurance. I have poor credit from medical debt. I have a criminal record from a DWI and third degree assualt (shoved a woman, if it matters to you). The only way I'm paying my student loans is because of him. He owns my car, my name is nowhere on it. The only person I have in this entire world to turn to to leave him is my dad. His best friend. Yeah, sure, my dad would choose me over him. But D would make my life HELL and I know it. He did a lot of cyber stalking in my emails, Facebook, old dating profiles (didn't even know I had), etc. He is a software engineer and extremely gifted with computers. I'm afraid of 1. How he would retaliate (tell my dad...x y z? So that he wants nothing to do with me?) 2. How in the hell I will get on my own feet. I haven't been able to hold down a job... ever. A year and a half after college. Part of me says it, just stick it out. He provides really well for me, I won't ever have to worry about my future monetarily. Which is a huge scare for me, to be homeless. The other part of me yearns for my old self. Concerts (music is my life and he pretty much shut that down too), friends (how do I meet them when I have no....), freedom. I want love that is kind. Someone that is just... nice. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I am resuming therapy but I needed to vent before Friday. I feel helpless. Part of it is my mental health (because that is a serious part of this) and part of it is just being plain scared as to how he will ruin what is left of my life.

Please give me some in-put. Please.

Slowly pull out of this. Start going to support groups for drugs and drinking. Start going to mental health support groups. Do not tell him this. Start confiding in your father or other trusted family. He is enabling you, not helping you. Unfortunately you'll have to help yourself or live this way. Stop telling him too much. start making plans to exit secretly.

Start by doing your therapy and just keep your nose clean until you can save enough money to leave with the help of your father or another trusted person in your life. As long as you don't have the confidence or mental strength to live on your own and love yourself enough to do it, you need to use his arse for financial support... unless of course your father is the man he should be and will protect you right now as you do your therapy. If that's the case, then just leave now.

This really hit home. I actually sat down yesterday and started looking at NA meetings, as I am dependent and addicted to some of my prescribed medications. Mental health support groups are just nuts around here (no pun intended). I went to one and it was very... odd. But hey, I should probably give it another shot at this point. Maybe both of these things can help me make connections with people. I failed to mention that I am completely isolated. I have no family other than my father and I have no friends now that I said goodbye to the one I had. I wish to God I had thought to keep things to myself in the beginning, that is constantly where he draws insults and other points from. I don't tell him much anymore. Really, I don't talk to him much anymore. TMI - the only thing I do to make him think things are fine is sleep in the buff still. But of course I just -have- to defend him. He means well, at least now, I think? He had a pretty messed up life and almost two decades of loveless marriage before me. In the beginning my dad did point out that he treasts me as more of a possession than companion. I tried leaving a couple of times. It was an awful, ed up mess. My dad was stressed as all can be and he ALSO has no one but me. No friends. Nothing. My father is now retired and I can't rely upon him to financially do much for me. What on earth will I do for work that I can afford to live in this area and care for my dad as he ages? I can only get minimum wage jobs with my work history. I'd be forced to move out of state, which I'm fine with, but then how do I have a car, a doctor, my medications or a roof over my head? These things take money and credit at the very least. Health insurance, ideally, for my condition. I guess I need to really work through therapy to have the self-confidence to believe in myself. D does belittle me when I say I would like to try and get a job. Tells me it will be a drop in a bucket and pointless. Tells me I can't handle it based off of a previous incident when I tried to work. UGH UGH UGH. Sorry, thanks for letting me vent. And thank you for the hard truth.

Don't let him talk you into thinking you can't do anything. Surely there is a Walmart or some such where you live that you could apply to. My local grocery store employs a girl (now woman she's been there so long) with downs syndrome. Shes been a cashier there for at least 15 years and started when she was in high school as a part timer and is now full time.

If he tells you it would be a drop in the bucket and useless, you simply tell him "well we won't know until I try" and then you go and do what you have to do to fill out applications etc. Start looking in the paper for jobs you think you can handle.

But D would make my life HELL and I know it.

Sounds like he is already doing that....!

The guy is unstable and yes he may have made some improvements but I fear it is a ticking bomb that will go off at some stage...and you would be well advised to not be around when it does*

I agree with the others but also want to add: This will take quite some time so you need to look at it as a mid to longer term goal....

Day by day. Week by week. Take the steps necessary to achieve the final outcome... It will take work and patience but the sooner you start the wheels turning, the sooner you will be free of this mess.....

It's always daunting stepping into the unknown, but you can do it. I have faith in you....There will also be a tinge of excitement so grab onto that and pump it*

I almost guarantee, 2-3-4 years from now you will look back and think "Thank God I got out of there".....

This will be painful and scary, but in the long term, it will be life changing for you.....

Look after your health. Stay off the alcohol...and go get 'em!

Life Awaits*

Carus*

If you stay on the trajectory you're on including this guy enabling you you will end up in jail again, hooking on the street for drugs, homeless, on a morgue slab. etc. People like you should not be driving a car and this creep should not let you. You are choosing drugs that's your choice. But keep your drug addicted self off the streets so you don't kill innocent people who have jobs, don't assault people and aren't staying high on drugs and booze. You have no one to turn to because no decent people want drug addicts and criminals in their lives. Clean up or stay with this creep and abuse drugs. Your choice.

Contact your local women's shelter for help with a plan to leave this guy and to get the help you need.

You have absolutely no other insight into my life other than what I offered to make such strong comments. If you know you anything about mental health, mania is a force to be reckoned with. I do know. You know HOW I know? Before my first severe manic break at age 25, I spent the previous seven years going to college for social work and volunteering for children's divisions, domestic violence shelters and crisis hotlines. I quite literally dedicated my life to serving others. Mania is not an excuse, but it certainly is an illness. It is also when my DWI occurred. When a woman tried to help me up, I pushed her away and they gave me an assault charge. You are saying some seriously detrimental things to someone that is so vulnerable. Did you know that if I had killed myself after reading that and left this up for the authorities to find, you would actually be charged for, lack of a better term, "egging it on"? I don't have decent people in my life because I am being I S O L A T E D. I really don't know who the hell you think you are but you must be more unhappy than me. And for that, I pity you. I will pray for you.

Also, I don't drink and am dependent on PRESCRIBED medications. I feel guilty and resort to calling it addiction often. I don't even know why I feel I have to justify myself to you, but you're unnerving. I've read some of your comments to others as well... Why are you on this board? Pure misery and no one of your own?