Anyone knows a reconciliation story after an ugly break up including snooping?

Me (28f) and my ex (29m) broke up on Halloween after 4.5 happy years (plans for a next pet, marriage, kids were on the table, hell we even had a name for a baby girl in mind). I think he got gigs after a week in Spain where 3 girls hardcore hit on him (its been years since he had attention because i was always there and he rarely went anywhere alone where such girls were around).

He's been very transparent about it, borderline boasted about it (like if I was his buddy), kept in touch with 2 of them on daily basis, i asked him to stop in the beginning but he manipulated me with crying so i backed off, he knew it bothers me (i told him, he saw it, i lost weight, i didn't eat) but in his mind he didn't do anything wrong (he wasn't physical with any of them), he was just friendly and I was overreacting.

Anyway after a month of this i snoop, he's flirting with the two girls, but he figures it out, silent treatment follows, not sure if he forgives and all that jazz. I'm panicking, try to talk a few times, he says i broke the trust. He cuts me off, doesn't share anything with me anymore, texts me 1x a day about coming from work, chats with them daily for hours and i keep waiting for the verdict while still going to the gym/bouldering/shopping with him, watching movies and playing tetris but that's about it. I eventually pull out of him that he doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't want me to stay.

We keep living together for 3 more weeks until I figure out what's next (I'm 1000km away from my home, in na different country, need a job (i have started a business but it was not yet enough to live alone abroad) and a flat, he let's me stay but we become toxic, he's mean to me, picks fights, forbids using his car, moves to the living room, even locks it nights because i woke him up one night). But I should still come to his niece's birthday (i feel hope and confusion but he says later it was for me to say goodbye to his family), he buys me a gift (hope again) the week i decided to leave (but I didn't tell him).

Aaaanyway during this last month of uncertainty i accessed his messages again, WhatsApp and Instagram too to see what he says to the girls. And with one of them he was ridiculing me (crazy, creepy, horny, they both nicknamed me as "the flatmate" good for household work and cooking and often talked about me), I'm shattered and at the end i even confront him, he acts like he did nothing. I change my WhatsApp status to these hurtful words, he notices and sends the girl a screenshot and they're shocked i saw their texts, the girl pitied me, they both doesn't know what I'm trying to achieve with it (my intention was that he knows that i know).

To his mom he said he would join her visiting me and our dog which i took with myself home and the let's see what the future brings. (hope again). To the girl He ridicules me with he says to never go back to an ex. his sister removed me from the family chat obviously, but readded me to the bachelorette party of his mom (she loves me).... And I'll be at her wedding in June. I'm super torn because i want to be ok, moved on and show it to him there but I'm terrified he'll ignore me all night and I'll be back to square one.

He asked me if i accessed his Instagram and if I turned our living room camera on (both yes, the camera was a blackout in my brain), but i denied both but i was so ashamed but he obviously didn't seem to believe me anyway, i became the things he called me.

So this is the complete utter mess you can only imagine. He f****ed up, then i f****ed up then he said awful things he shouldn't have and I saw them when i shouldn't have and then I did those things.

I'm absolutely ashamed and in therapy (having issues with self worth and respect). Somehow i still have hope though. Anyone knows anything remotely similar or worse that got fixed with months/years? No I won't be waiting...

Hi,

Unfortunately there isn’t salvaging something so toxic. There’s good reasons why it became toxic him bad mouthing you and you unable to trust what he was doing. I think once you felt the need to snoop is when your relationship ended. It’s the fact that he was becoming toxic for you, that you had to snoop.

Why would you want any of this back?

Even if let’s say tomorrow he proposes marriage. None of your problems would be fixed and you would fall into the same routine.

You need stability and respect in a relationship and most important trust!

Consider this as needs for your next relationship and forget this guy.

Lisa

I believe you already posted about it.

I also believe you will receive the same advice from others.

Leave him be. He is disrespectful and you let him.

He doesn't love you. I am so sorry ...

Create a huge space, no contact, delete from all social media. Only than , when you will take a step back, you will be able to see how sickening this looks like. I doubt it you will be still interested in this toxic scenery.

Would you say it would have been salvageable if i just left in the beginning? I actually thought about it but a week after his return we left for 3 weeks in asia and i was trapped I couldn't just fly back all the way. And I hoped during our holiday things get better because of the lack of time. But he always found time to reply to them...

Your boyfriend is all about distraction and fun from these girls he met for a few days.

Didn't he also went to Germany to meet them.

Why would you want a man like this ?

Let him be, let him do whatever he likes to do.

Give yourself a chance to meet someone who will respect you and celebrate you.

We live in Germany (well i used to). He visited the guy that I think influenced him into this (he's also 30 and enjoys talking about the teenage girls boobs, he created him a top list of girls that are hitting on him etc) and another girl (none of his flirts) later I found out my ex cuddled her that night in the bed too because they were drunk but nothing happened. That was the week I left home asking him to think about us instead of distraction. Then I came back hoping he'll have space to think but he was the same.

Then he went to Berlin to 2 of (the one he ridicules me with and the young one) the flirts and shared the mattress with the 17 year old both nights, joked to the above mentioned guy that he was forced to cuddle her since the guy friend spent the night somewhere else. But nothing more happened as the other girl slept on the bed. That's the week I left because i noticed he took some condoms with himself and I couldn't bear the idea seeing him after this.

Now he's with them again for new years eve.

Are you actually serious ? How do you know he is with them now ?

He was supposed to be with me and my/our friends until 3 months ago (he actually mentioned that in October during one of our talks) and he's not with his family either. There's no one else to be with.

Where are you living now? Have you returned to your own country and friends, family, job etc. What's wrong with your country and family? Can they help you? Are you a refugee? Do you have residency there? That is the most important thing for you to do. Not stalk and track him. You may end up in legal trouble. Get your affairs in order and stop acting crazy with him. Do not drink or use drugs and do not be around them.

I did return to my parents. I'm seeking a job now but keeping my business too but its mostly based in Germany but at the moment it's complicated to find a job and a flat from far away to have security. I'm not stalking or tracking him, I merely stated he's with them again because well its obvious. He didn't even let me and my friends know he's not coming, just ghosted them too but well he assumes that i talked to them i guess. Which is a shame because he was close with them too. These people he didn't know 3.5 months ago. Oh well

Anyway i hoped for some stories that seemed impossible to salvage rather than being told I'm crazy.

Excellent you are back home with your parents. Pursue your career there perhaps go back to school. From your description this guy is nasty and abusive to to you, went berserk and is holding orgies everywhere with underage teens.

Anyway i hoped for some stories that seemed impossible to salvage rather than being told I'm crazy.

This guy does not deserve to be in a relationship with you. Plain and simple. He is acting like a complete idiot and extremely childish, thoughtless and ridiculously self absorbed in his weird duo flings. I know there’s a huge urge to salvage things right now as you are still so close to the situation and you’ve no doubt invested a lot of emotional energy into this relationship and for hopes of a future with this guy. But please try to objectively see him for who he is, or at least how he is behaving. Perhaps read your first post as if one of your best friends had written it. What would you say to them? Would you encourage them to try salvage it?

I think you deserve more.

Cat, this is never going to happen. There is no scenario in which it is or ever was salvageable.

He is the type of man who is not loyal, secondly, he is the type of man who is wowed over attention from other women. Both of those things are the worst type of man and he is not mature enough nor decent enough to be anything good to anyone for a relationship. I don't blame you. You started snooping due to his bad behavior. This all started from him being an azz and enjoying the attention from these other women.

He betrayed you, and in the worst way. He didn't need to sleep with anyone, but he threw you under the bus with these women and continues to do so over and over.

He's not even a friend to you.

You need to pick yourself back up off the ground, STOP allowing these people to treat you this way.

They are all bullies and they are bringing it out worse in each other.

But you need to stop allowing yourself to be victim to it. You need to walk away and stay away.

There is no hope left in this situation. You have got to move on and not look back.

It is over. Be okay with that, find strength in yourself again. Do not allow one more second of this bs to happen to you or waste anymore thoughts or emotions on this man child.

Only you can allow yourself to be free of it once and for all and start your life over so new opportunities can come into your life...better opportunities.

You don't need him, you don't need this pain.

Move on from it and from him.

Anyway i hoped for some stories that seemed impossible to salvage rather than being told I'm crazy.

This isn’t salvageable, Cat.

He doesn’t love or respect you enough for this to work, even if you had never snooped. He was already long gone. You need to work on raising your standards for the type of men you let in your life.

Anyway i hoped for some stories that seemed impossible to salvage rather than being told I'm crazy.

It's an understandable impulse, hardly a crazy one. If you can find a story of a nasty train wreck that morphed into a glorious rocket ship it'll allow you to think that maybe that story will be your story, and you won't have to face what's what here, the full weight of it. Pain management, basically. Been there, as have most. Came to this site myself wondering if the various nuclear disasters inside my last relationship could be some kind path toward reconciliation. Think I had to ask the question to feel how absurd it was, but I'm glad no one gave me a little carrot to snack on.

Because the trouble with this? It's a bit like treating a shattered leg with morphine, rather than putting it back together again. Yeah, it eases the pain, but a shattered leg is a shattered leg. It needs attention. Same goes for shattered lives. They don't get put back together through stories.

So, yeah, I could probably dig deep and cough up some story of a "crazy" reconciliation or two that I've witnessed. But I feel that would be like passing you a glass pipe filled with the very drugs you need to be weaning off of. Your boyfriend, an adult man, is now involved with a teenager. He bragged about this, to your face. If I told you my girlfriend was playing around with a teenage boy, I hope you'd tell me to ditch all hope, regardless of where I'd acted like foolish in the wake of discovering that. And so I'll give you the same courtesy and just say: no, nope, nada.

Glad you're in therapy, and taking steps to keep stepping away. Stay that path. It's a hard one in the early days, but in time, probably less than you think, you'll chuckle at the thought that you once hoped to get back together again. That chuckling? That will be a sign that all those shattered pieces got put back together, into something even stronger.

At first I wanted my horrible ex back. I even told friends "I want to be the one he turns to when it all (his relationship with the woman he'd left me for) goes bad!!!!1111"

Thank goodness I'm smarter now. I wouldn't take him back on a silver platter.

My advice is the same as in your first thread https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563016.

Additionally, no I have not heard of a successful reconciliation where there was cheating/snooping and general bad feeling/toxicity.

The reason for that is likely because people in your position eventually get through the grief process and want nothing more to do with the cheater.

It sounds like he was moving on from your relationship before he ended it; whatever the real reason is, putting the blame on you for snooping is just an excuse.

 

As you have moved out now I would stick with no contact.

 

I would also message his mother and say that you regret you cannot do the wedding photos, but in the circumstances she needs to get a new photographer; also that you do not think it is a good idea for her to visit in the current circumstances.