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Loss of attraction for depressed partner


intrinsic76

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My partner has a lot of medical issues, is in pain much of the time and has been feeling depressed. He is doing all he can to address these issues but can’t seem to shake his worry and negativity. He is clingy and very insecure. It has been this way for a long time but has gotten pretty bad. I would not say I am pulling away, although that’s probably what it feels like to him. I’ve been trying to stay close, be supportive and affectionate. But I am finding it harder and harder. I have to force myself to be intimate with him or even hold meaningful eye contact. Because I see he is looking for validation that we are okay when he looks at me that way and it is hard from me to give that to him when I am feeling this way.

 

So, we just arrived in L.A. last night. I suggested to come here because he’s been wanting to visit some friends and family. Without mentioning it to him, I fear he won’t be able to travel as well in the future as his health is declining. So I’d like this to be a great trip for him. I am thinking of starting the day with a massage, from me, followed by some meditation. I would love for us both to get out of our heads and just enjoy ourselves. This will be easier said than done. But if I can snap out of it, I imagine he will pick up on it and not feel so down.

 

Here’s the kicker, I feel in my heart that unless there is a major shift in both of us, we will not make a good team. The thought of leaving him makes me very sad but also gives me a feeling of great relief.

 

It also worth mentioning that there are other reasons entirely that challenge my desire to stay.

 

I am wondering if I can pull this off. We both know we are not okay. But maybe we can just forget about it for the week, quiet our minds and take in this strange city. Would it be cruel to possibly mislead him to believe we are okay? Or should I state my intentions. I’m leaning towards saying something like this, “We both know we have unresolved issues and matters weighing on us. But let’s agree to try not process it all now, let’s just try our best to be present and enjoy taking this place in and seeing your friends.” And then I will try with all my being to let go. Because I know that is the only way he will.

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How long have you been dating? It sounds like the passion is gone for many reasons including a lot of unresolved issues dragging on. This is not about his illness. Do not stay out of pity. You do not love or respect him. You're not attracted to him and see no future with him.

 

There have been problems and issues with him all along.: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560542&p=7141994&viewfull=1#post7141994

I have to force myself to be intimate with him or even hold meaningful eye contact. I feel in my heart that unless there is a major shift in both of us, we will not make a good team. The thought of leaving him makes me very sad but also gives me a feeling of great relief.
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Thank you for reminding me to not stay with him out of pity. It does make it harder to leave. We’ve been together for a little over two years and have been through a lot. The issue with the other woman has been resolved, but yes, it happened. We have moved on from that. I do respect him very much. He is admirable on many levels. I also do love and care for him deeply. There is no question about that. I do feel It is likely we will not stay together. But we are here now, on vacation, and I want desperately for us to enjoy ourselves. We have a great time when he’s happy.

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Counseling....if you are looking for answers, counseling is it. This obviously isn't all about his depression , sounds like there are plenty of other issues too, the depression just compounds things. Seek out therapy for yourself first to help clear your head, and then approach him to get help. Taking pills only helps things part way, he needs the tools to cope with how he feels, and his illness and therapy/counseling will help him with that.

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I would chill on the massage/meditation thing -sounds like forced "self care" unless he loves massage and meditation and does that at home. How about a brisk walk in a fun neighborhood and/or on a hiking trail -just walk, increase your heart rate naturally, people watch, talk about whatever. Try not to over plan or overthink to create environments where he can come out of his shell. I am not depressed and find travel stressful and decreasing that stress requires different things at different times (I love travel, I love rocking my world that way and I also find it stressful). So let him choose or you make basic suggestions. Like the walk thing so you can also take in some sights maybe.

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Thank you. He loves massage as it eases his pain temporarily. I am bypassing the meditation though. :) We have plans to do some walking on the shore today and i will do as you suggested, let him guide how he wants to spend his time. Thank you.

 

Oh good -then the massage is a great and caring idea!

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Ok so enjoy the vacation and when that is over start planning your exit. You can't live from vacation to vacation or only when he is happy. Outside of that you have other issues with him. Happy is not complacent and inert, yet resentful.

I do feel It is likely we will not stay together. But we are here now, on vacation, and I want desperately for us to enjoy ourselves.
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It really sounds like you're forcing yourself to stay with him because you've taken on the role of caretaker. It doesn't sound to me like you see him as an equal or want to be his girlfriend. It's only been two years and you've had a host of issues. Don't force yourself to try to fix something that was never really that great to begin with. His mental health is his own responsibility.

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Fortunately, you're not married so it's easier to exit the relationship.

 

You need to be honest with yourself. No sense remaining in a relationship when your partner is a constant drag. You will not be happy with him and you will end up as his caretaker as his health continues to decline rapidly as the years pass by. You shouldn't feel burdened. I agree with others, don't remain in the relationship out of pity. It is not love when your life is impacted to the point of feeling miserable.

 

You can still have compassion from afar, pray for him and wish him well even if you're no longer with him anymore.

 

You should tell him the truth. Granted, this cut will feel awful for him. However, being completely honest is better than feeling trapped while you want out. It's more cruel to be deceitful not to mention unfair to both of you.

 

You need to let go in order to save your sanity.

 

In my past, there were certain people who were super high maintenance and not always related to health either. I had to have my own personal boundaries with others and handle partings as graciously as possible. It didn't always go over very well but I had to do what I had to do in order to save myself.

 

Do what makes sense and you will not regret it. Be practical with your life. There is a way to handle this with respect.

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No sense remaining in a relationship when your partner is a constant drag

 

I'm sorry, but I don't see any kind of compassion in this statement at all.

 

Depression is not a choice and I bet his dislikes being like he is, everybit as anyone around him does. Those with mental illness, are not a "drag"...they are human beings who have the unfortunate burden of dealing with a very debilitating condition.

 

Choosing to call someone a "drag" due to a medical problem that is not their fault, is bordering on cruel. Do you call someone with diabetes or a heart issue, or other medical issues, a "drag"??!

 

Please be fair in your statements.

 

Stigma surrounding mental illness is created through these kind of statements.

 

Op, if you cannot or do not want to deal with your partner while he is going through a difficult time, then be fair to him and talk to him and let him know.

I would reconsider getting into a relationship in future though as difficulties can come up at anytime, and it's not always going to be sunshine.

 

I don't know how long you have tried to make things work with him while he is going through a considerably difficult condition, but if you cannot love him while he is unwell, then it's best to let him be.

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But if I can snap out of it, I imagine he will pick up on it and not feel so down

 

That's not how depression works. It is NOT a choice. He cannot choose to "snap" out of it. If it were that easy there wouldn't be so many people suffering so badly or suicides.

 

Your partner needs help just the same as if he were suffering from heart disease or diabetes, etc. Having a mental health issue, is basically having the brain glitching and not working properly.

It is another body part after all.

 

There is no choice in deciding to fix it, you have nice ideas about massages etc, but again, depression cannot be fixed by willing it away or hoping it will get better if you give the depressed person nice things.

 

I hope he receives the proper help, support and love he deserves in this difficult time.

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It sounds like he'll do just fine if you end things, but you've tried to have him be your whole life and your validation.

 

Get out of the supermom role and start taking care of yourself and getting out of the house on your own much more. Take some classes and courses, join some groups and clubs, volunteer. Get in shape and start a new fitness and nutrition program. Update your look, new clothes, hair etc.

 

When you've done all that get on some quality dating apps and start messaging and meeting men you don't resent or "want to leave at some point". He has plenty of friends, business acquaintances and women who he can turn to. After all his women friends are one of the many issues you have repeated conflict with him over. He'll be fine if you end it. Will you?

Im currently out of state with my boyfriend who is recovering from major surgery.

My boyfriend is a very social man. He owns a few business and is very involved in our community. I am a mom and outside of work, I am primarily at home with my kids.

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After all his women friends are one of the many issues you have repeated conflict with him over.

 

That's a different situation altogether.

 

I don't believe in leaving your partner due to depression or anxiety or any other kind of health issue. However, if he was treating you badly due to other women, than that's another kettle of fish and it is worth considering leaving him over.

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Yes, worrying the amount of people that advocate jumping ship when a partner becomes ill.

 

It's not like these people choose to have mental health issues. In a long term relationship you are supposed to support one another. Not bail out. Especially if the person that is ill is actively trying to overcome their illness.

 

Of course there's never an obligation to stay in any relationship but it just makes me wonder did you ever love that person before they were ill and are you looking for a get out regardless.

 

Good luck whatever you decide OP.

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I'm sorry, but I don't see any kind of compassion in this statement at all.

 

Depression is not a choice and I bet his dislikes being like he is, everybit as anyone around him does. Those with mental illness, are not a "drag"...they are human beings who have the unfortunate burden of dealing with a very debilitating condition.

 

Choosing to call someone a "drag" due to a medical problem that is not their fault, is bordering on cruel. Do you call someone with diabetes or a heart issue, or other medical issues, a "drag"??!

 

Please be fair in your statements.

 

Stigma surrounding mental illness is created through these kind of statements.

 

Op, if you cannot or do not want to deal with your partner while he is going through a difficult time, then be fair to him and talk to him and let him know.

I would reconsider getting into a relationship in future though as difficulties can come up at anytime, and it's not always going to be sunshine.

 

I don't know how long you have tried to make things work with him while he is going through a considerably difficult condition, but if you cannot love him while he is unwell, then it's best to let him be.

 

A drag meaning a tiresome burden, SherrySher. It feels like a drag no matter what the cause is whether it's depression, health problems both mental and physical, money problems, communication problems, personality differences, character problems and it runs the gamut. It's rough, tedious and difficult which is the definition of the word: "drag." Sooner or later people on the receiving end of insurmountable situations burnout. I've encountered the same regardless of the reasons as does my family and friends. Either we enforce stronger boundaries with them or it's time to part ways permanently.

 

In the OPs case, it's better to be completely truthful and honest about her feelings and respectfully go her separate way permanently. No sense hanging onto a relationship when a she feels forced, pity or guilt. It's time to go in order to keep what sanity she has left.

 

There are times when the best result is to let someone go. Granted it will not go over very well, severing ties is painful but ultimately, many times it is for the best in the long run. It's life and it happens.

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My cousin's husband had been diagnosed with both MS and Epilepsy 20 years ago and at first he was vital and they had a few good years before kids arrived in the picture. Then as years passed by, her husband became impossible to live with due to his disease progression, potent prescription drugs which had adverse side effects such as extreme fatigue, confusion, memory loss and 24 / 7 belligerent behavior. This impacted her entire household, marriage and family life to the point of miserable. He no longer had cognition to hold down a job so she ended up as the sole breadwinner and primary caretaker. Under law, she would be forced to pay enormous alimony should they divorce so she is hosed. Her husband became a drag and burden to the core not just with his autoimmune disorders but also his character changed from bad to intolerably worse.

 

You need to think long and hard what's in store for your future. Either be a saint and go for it or opt out before you can't handle taking care of a sickly person with permanent decline over the years. This is the harsh reality check. Yes, it's a hard decision but just remember, not everyone is cut out to tolerate and endure tending to an ill person around-the-clock. It is overwhelming and taxing. I will not sugar coat this. It is what it is, unfortunately.

 

I admire those who are in caretaker mode for many years. It's just not for everyone, that's all.

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I'm no longer commenting on this thread as your comments are causing me to become very angry, Cherylyn.

 

First you describe someone with depression as a "drag" and a "burden", then you do it again with someone who has an autoimmune disease.

God sakes, the vows of for better for worse, in sickness and in health, go flying out the window according to you.

 

I have been on both ends, so yes, I am every bit as experienced with it all as you. But I do not speak of human beings as "drags" or "burdens", especially those who are ill and cannot help it.

In your world, there is no sympathy, no compassion, no love, especially to those most vulnerable. (or a very limited amount).

 

You seem to be carrying around resentment, you might want to get help with that as it's something inside of you, not the person who was ill.

 

I'm out.

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I'm no longer commenting on this thread as your comments are causing me to become very angry, Cherylyn.

 

First you describe someone with depression as a "drag" and a "burden", then you do it again with someone who has an autoimmune disease.

God sakes, the vows of for better for worse, in sickness and in health, go flying out the window according to you.

 

I have been on both ends, so yes, I am every bit as experienced with it all as you. But I do not speak of human beings as "drags" or "burdens", especially those who are ill and cannot help it.

In your world, there is no sympathy, no compassion, no love, especially to those most vulnerable. (or a very limited amount).

 

You seem to be carrying around resentment, you might want to get help with that as it's something inside of you, not the person who was ill.

 

I'm out.

 

SherrySher,

 

It is very sad regarding depression, serious mental and physical illnesses, autoimmune diseases and the whole lot.

 

Even though the words "drag" and "burden" are difficult for you to hear, it is the truth especially for those in caregiver mode or for those who have a choice to opt out honestly. I commend those who are in it for better or for worse. It's just that it's not for everyone and if there's a choice to exit the relationship respectfully and truthfully, then a person has every right to do it.

 

I'm very experienced as a caregiver for my late father and my siblings and I care for our dear mother. You don't know the half of it. Fortunately, the load was evenly distributed so no one was over taxed with all the around-the-clock caregiver duties. I couldn't imagine doing it all by myself. I can't between my own household to take care of, work, marriage, children, long distance, etc.

 

I carry no resentment whatsoever. I just advised the OP that she has choices and if she's unmarried, she has even more options to exit the relationship honestly and respectfully now if she wishes to do so. I never said it was easy. Life is indeed hard with hard decisions to make.

 

You are the one who needs help with your anger.

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As a person suffering from a debilitating disease, I can tell you, it means the world to know someone cares about you.

 

It goes both ways...

 

The person with the condition needs to be positive and give it their all to beat it, or deal with it

 

The partner needs to be supportive.

 

If either end fails, the disease takes over and destroys BOTH lives.

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As a person suffering from a debilitating disease, I can tell you, it means the world to know someone cares about you.

 

It goes both ways...

 

The person with the condition needs to be positive and give it their all to beat it, or deal with it

 

The partner needs to be supportive.

 

If either end fails, the disease takes over and destroys BOTH lives.

 

So true, Camber 2019. Finally!

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You've been dating less than 2 years. You are not married, you are not planning any sort of future, so you owe him nothing. Not to mention that he has been in touch with other women and exes since you supposedly became exclusive. Skip the 'in sickness and health' guilt trips. It's not that he's ill, it's that it was never working or really committed. He has plenty of friends, family, money, business acquaintances, not to mention other women, who can be supportive. Don't use this as another excuse to stay in a generally bad dating situation. Dating is not about playing Florence Nightingale.... or any other type of pitying.

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