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Husband and I disagree about how to manage family time during holidays


kostaglodova

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My husband and I just got married, though we've been together for 5 years. Every other part of our relationship is fine, but we have one major disagreement that we can't seem to settle ourselves. He feels that it's absolutely necessary to spend holidays together and take turns with whose parents we see each year. His parents live in Wisconsin and mine live in Oregon and we can't afford two trips. Family is more important to me than the actual holiday, I just want to be with my parents. I compromised this year and agreed to see his parents in Wisconsin and it's absolutely killing me that I missed out on my own parents. I'm lucky to have in-laws who love me, and his parents are very sweet, but that doesn't cover up the homesickness I feel for my own parents.

 

Am I so crazy for suggesting that we spend a couple of weeks apart for the holidays so we each get to see our own parents? We are together constantly for the rest of the year. I just don't think a couple of weeks apart once a year is such a big deal.

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If you can see them at other times of the year and sometimes during the holidays is it imperative to spend those two weeks apart?

 

How does your husband feel being separated for those two weeks?

 

My married friends/family members all spend time with their parents differently and sometimes it changes from year to year.

 

The beauty of it is that as a married couple you get to form your own traditions.

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Mine and my husband’s family live in the same city thankfully . We see mine Christmas Day and his Boxing Day. No argument about it in 30 years.

 

Say you see his for Thanksgiving , then yours for Christmas etc etc. Alternate. Your husband is now your family, parents should come after your spouse.

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Where do you live now and why? Whose idea was it to live there? It sounds like you are homesick in general and this has nothing to do with holidays. Go visit your parents more often or ask if they will visit you more often. Why can't you visit them on your own whenever you have some time off?

His parents live in Wisconsin and mine live in Oregon and we can't afford two trips. the homesickness I feel for my own parents.
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I'm sorry this holiday was hard - I agree with alternating and changing your mindset that it has to be "on the holiday" - that way you have flexibility and a much much cheaper air flight/trip if it's not prime time. When my son was 10 months old and we'd relocated away from the city I lived in the first 43 years of my life - 800 miles away for my husband's job -he went back to our home city over the holidays to see his parents - I really didn't want to travel with a baby over the holidays -too stressful. But after the holidays we traveled to our home city again and we got that time (because then we had a place to stay that wasn't a hotel). Think outside of the box. He is your family now and establish the routine now so if you have a child you'll have that in place.

 

To add -I always found it really odd when we'd been living in our new city for years and friends from our original city would ask "so are you coming home for the holidays?" And I'd explain that this city was now "our home" and that we'd visit our former city soon. I know I wrote 'home city" for shorthand. I'm not sure why people assume you have to go 'home" for the holidays if you live with your partner and family somewhere else.

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Giving up time with your family back home isn't "compromise." The wife and I don't alternate. There are no children in the picture and conferences aside, we spend every day of the rest of the year together. Your situation may be different, but while I work seasonally, holiday leave for her isn't handed out like charity. If one of us would prefer to join the other and visit their family, we're both of course more than welcome-- which has happened on a few occasions. But I've got no reason to expect her to give up opportunities to travel and visit family. Not at all hating on couples who mutually for whatever reason can't enjoy time visiting family 2 of the 52 weeks a year without their spouse present, but I've never understood why couples without children create this kind of drama and don't just milk the simplicity.

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Giving up time with your family back home isn't "compromise." The wife and I don't alternate. There are no children in the picture and conferences aside, we spend every day of the rest of the year together. Your situation may be different, but while I work seasonally, holiday leave for her isn't handed out like charity. If one of us would prefer to join the other and visit their family, we're both of course more than welcome-- which has happened on a few occasions. But I've got no reason to expect her to give up opportunities to travel and visit family. Not at all hating on couples who mutually for whatever reason can't enjoy time visiting family 2 of the 52 weeks a year without their spouse present, but I've never understood why couples without children create this kind of drama and don't just milk the simplicity.

 

I agree with this too -for me it doesn't have to revolve around "the holiday" - it's not Norman Rockwell. It's just like you can do someone's bday celebration within the month or even at another time if needed.

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It is normal for couples to trade off - you visit one family for Christmas, one for Easter or Thanksgiving,or you trade off years. You go to his family for Christmas one year, yours the other. Your families know you are a young couple and zigzagging across the country is not realistic or affordable. So next year, you go to see your family for Christmas. Talk about it now about trading off every year.

 

Not being with your parents for every holiday is something that is part of growing up when you get married and creating your new family - which is your husband, pets and future kids

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I've been married for a long time so I'll tell you my opinion regarding your post, kostaglodova.

 

Marriage is about reasonable compromises and not always about who is right because the fundamental question here is do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

 

It's important to have peace in a marriage otherwise if both of you insist upon digging your heels stubbornly, no one will be satisfied. A compromise is necessary even if it doesn't feel fair. Take turns with visiting family during the holidays such as one year Wisconsin and the next year, Oregon.

 

I agree with others, would it be possible for your parents to visit you during other times of the year?

 

And no, you're not crazy to suggest to spend time apart for the holidays given you're together for the rest of the year. However, I would definitely compromise here and NOT be a couple of weeks apart from your husband. Several days apart, yes but NOT a couple of weeks apart which is too long IMHO. Try to meet in the middle regarding this. Make it several days visit with your side of the family as opposed to a couple of weeks apart from your husband! Besides, a couple of weeks with relatives will be too much smothered togetherness which will eventually grate on everyone's nerves. Keep your visits reasonable and not excessively long.

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It is normal for couples to trade off - you visit one family for Christmas, one for Easter or Thanksgiving,or you trade off years. You go to his family for Christmas one year, yours the other. Your families know you are a young couple and zigzagging across the country is not realistic or affordable. So next year, you go to see your family for Christmas. Talk about it now about trading off every year.

 

Not being with your parents for every holiday is something that is part of growing up when you get married and creating your new family - which is your husband, pets and future kids

I'm all for the standard that when you pop a kid out, you instill the importance and tradition of the family unit during holiday occasions.

 

But I'm also a huge proponent of-- at least insofar if you're guilting another grown adult, never mind someone you call your spouse, to sacrifice for your benefit-- being damn well be able to defend such a compulsion. Some people are cool with not seeing their family for two years. Others very understandably aren't. And for as much as I'm willing and able to travel and visit family at a much cheaper and personally convenient time either before or after the holidays, many can't. And even if so, it's very much the convention for families to be all together during the winter holidays. If you're talking just you and your spouse, no children involved-- I'm sorry, but "I can't stand to be away from you for Christmas even though we coexist the entire rest of the year together; therefore, you should forego visiting your family to visit mine" is pretty safely a ****ty excuse to deny your spouse the benefit of visiting their own family.

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Thank you all for your thoughts. I feel I could have been more specific, so here's my reasoning. We are both young, and our parents aren't. We also do not have children and we've chosen not to have children, so it's just the two of us and that makes it simpler. My parents are not able to travel, but his could, they just don't want to. My job doesn't provide much time off so Christmas is really all I have, whereas he often takes a week or two during the year to check on his parents because his job allows him to work remotely. I know most of you feel that it is my duty to stick to my husband during the holidays but part of this is because I feel like my parents just end up getting less attention and that makes me feel sad.

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I don’t think it’s about right or wrong, but just coming up with something that’s right for both of you. In this case? Well, it can mean all sorts of solutions, from spending Christmas apart, so you can see your family during your time off, to alternating yearly, to doing Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with yours, to...and so on, and so forth.

 

But if your parents can’t travel, Christmas is the only time you can see them, and he sees his parents more than just during Christmas, then it kind of strikes me as a no-brainer that come Christmas you see your family. Some years he can join, some years he won’t. Is that a workable solution?

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Thank you all for your thoughts. I feel I could have been more specific, so here's my reasoning. We are both young, and our parents aren't. We also do not have children and we've chosen not to have children, so it's just the two of us and that makes it simpler. My parents are not able to travel, but his could, they just don't want to. My job doesn't provide much time off so Christmas is really all I have, whereas he often takes a week or two during the year to check on his parents because his job allows him to work remotely. I know most of you feel that it is my duty to stick to my husband during the holidays but part of this is because I feel like my parents just end up getting less attention and that makes me feel sad.

 

Like i said again -- then alternate whose house you go to for holidays. ALL of my extended family does this to some extent or the other. My cousins who live near neither of their parents travel to one set of parents for one holiday and the other for another, or they rotate whose house they go to for Christmas. He is fortunate that he can work from home and pop in and visit his parents. But its not a competition of who sees who more. Do you have any vacation days where you can take off a friday or Monday and pop into visit. As you get older and accrue more vacation time, you will be able to visit more.

 

If he works from home, is he working while he is out there with his folks? Probably so.

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His family is also yours now until you choose to part. Alternate - Or host the holidays at your house on the alternate years, so his folks will come to you.

 

she did not mention whether her parents cannot travel because they are infirm or they can't afford it or are working and can't get away. If they are infirm/in very poor health/are very elderly that's one thing, if they cannot afford it, maybe sit down and make a budget to buy them plane tickets once a year to stay for a couple days. Even if she has to work a day while they are around or easier to take one day off vs taking 3 days off to include travel time.

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Also, visiting each other doesn't always have to be during the holidays. It's actually better to visit during the off-season when airports and roads are less crowded. Same thing with tourism, amusement parks, popular destinations and the like. Go when everyone else is at work or school and you won't have to navigate yourself in heavy crowds and traffic.

 

It's less stressful because there's no pressure with cooking, shopping, gift wrapping, gift giving, spending a lot of money on everyone, entertaining, constantly dining together, forced togetherness with some relatives and in-laws whom you may not always like to be lumped together with, constantly going out to restaurants and the like. Holidays are way overrated in this regard. It's better to visit family under more relaxed circumstances.

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Also, visiting each other doesn't always have to be during the holidays. It's actually better to visit during the off-season when airports and roads are less crowded. Same thing with tourism, amusement parks, popular destinations and the like. Go when everyone else is at work or school and you won't have to navigate yourself in heavy crowds and traffic.

 

It's less stressful because there's no pressure with cooking, shopping, gift wrapping, gift giving, spending a lot of money on everyone, entertaining, constantly dining together, forced togetherness with some relatives and in-laws whom you may not always like to be lumped together with, constantly going out to restaurants and the like. Holidays are way overrated in this regard. It's better to visit family under more relaxed circumstances.

 

Holidays are important for people. I don't think she should be convinced to decide Christmas is not important to spend with family, but her family has expanded by adding her husband's family. I think she should talk to her husband about going to see her family next Christmas to rotate (with the promise she will go to his family the following(. If that doesn't work, she can go from there and decide what to do - but for her to act like "its killing her" is not fair. If she agrees to travel to her husband's family, which she did, she should enjoy herself.

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Holidays are important for people. I don't think she should be convinced to decide Christmas is not important to spend with family, but her family has expanded by adding her husband's family. I think she should talk to her husband about going to see her family next Christmas to rotate (with the promise she will go to his family the following(. If that doesn't work, she can go from there and decide what to do - but for her to act like "its killing her" is not fair. If she agrees to travel to her husband's family, which she did, she should enjoy herself.

 

I never said Christmas is not important to spend with family. I suggested compromises since marriage means compromise in order to at least be fair and keep everyone satisfied. Granted, not all answers are optimal either. It was merely a suggestion. Not every "Norman Rockwell" holiday is feasible for everyone.

 

Taking turns with each side of the family tree, rotations, schedule scrambling and timing are all part of compromising. You do what you have to do in order to figure this out. Every situation won't always be optimal and ideal. The main goal here is try to make it happen even if schedules need to be juggled.

 

Also, there is a way to see family even if it's not the holidays, airfares are cheaper, airports, roads, trains, buses and tourist destinations are less crowded as well.

 

Holidays have a lot of pressure which includes the arduous, expensive task of traveling to get from point A to point B, shopping, spending money, gift wrapping, cooking and it's stressful. A lot of people even succumb to sickness from overextending themselves among all the hustle and bustle this time of year. There are times when huddling in a cozy home while waiting for the hoopla madness to pass is actually less pressured and far less stressful than scrambling at a frenetic pace to have a picture perfect holiday season.

 

I know it's not fair and it's killing her. I hope it works out for her however way this is figured out between husband and wife.

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