Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: What should I do? In a relationship of 7 years and heís cheated on me

  1. #1

    What should I do? In a relationship of 7 years and heís cheated on me

    Me and my boyfriend have been going out since we were 14 and we are now 21 so 7 years. He is in his 3rd year of uni and studies french and Spanish however for his 3 rd he had to live abroad for a year. I thought this would end up being fine, yeah I would miss him but I never expected anything to happen to the relationship. Before he went in September everything was perfect and Iíve even asked him this and he thought the same. We went on a 3 week family holiday together, everything was how it normally is. But before he came home for Christmas I had only seen him once when he came home for my birthday in November. I wanted to go out and see him but I could never get the timing right before my uni course is so full on.

    Things were fine before and while he was home for my birthday, yeah we found it difficult only talking on the phone but we didnít argue that much, I just got annoyed at him because I felt he spoke about himself a lot and I felt he almost forgot I had a life aswell. When he came home for my birthday I could tell he was happy to see me, when I picked him up from the airport he couldnít stop staring at me because this was the longest weíd gone without seeing each other. When he was home (he was only home the weekend) it was planned out because I had my party on the Saturday and then on the Friday we had my birthday dinner and he was trying to see his friends in that time aswell so we barely had any time together. Anyway, after he went back things began to change, he wasnít putting that much effort in in terms of making me feel better (I lost my gran last November, and my uni work was seriously getting me stressed, and I had also moved closer to uni for 3rd year so felt quite depressed aswell). And in turn I would then moan at him for this, we would argue quite a lot, he would say Iím being quite negative. The conversations werenít great because it would always be the same thing like what you doing then Iíd say uni work like it would always be the same. Whenever I would say I feel his response would always be however many days it would be till I see him thatís it, thatís all he would say in trying to make me feel better.

    Anyway that was what got me through, the thought of seeing him so a lot of excitement built up. We had discussed that we needed to see how things went when he was home because we both couldnít stand the arguing anymore, but although I was like yeah donít want to loose you I wasnít extremely worried. So he was due home the 20th December and the plan was that he would fly to where I stay for uni we would have a day/night there and then Iíd drive us home. When I first seen him I knew there was a bit of tension there but he did hug me and stuff so itís not like he was completely off. When we got back to the flat it didnít take long for us to have sex and I felt things were fine like they werenít going to be perfect it was the first time seeing him in over a month. After that he was hugging and kissing me on the sofa like things felt normal. We had planned to go out for dinner but when we were walking there he said something like I can see myself moving around a lot, and I said something like with me? Or something I canít remember just to see what he would say and to stuff like that he always kinda says well weíre 21 so who knows what will happen like that kind of attitude and obviously thatís fine but there it least has to be a want there, like a want to have a future with me cause in the past weíve talked about our future, like weíve been together 7 years like of course youíre going to think well what can break us now ? So anyway while out for dinner i think the conversation got brought up about how weíve been feeling the last couple weeks and how we feel about it and he just had this attitude like if who knows what will happen if things arenít the same while heís back and I think things just escalated because he started saying some worrying stuff that didnít sound hopeful for us so I just had this horrible feeling, I kept asking him did something happen and eventually he said yes so I wanted to leave the restaurant cause I felt sick.

    Eventually got back to the flat and he tells me that itís a Spanish girl (he told me about her before but he just said there was a group of them that were all friends so I didnít even know I had to worry) that his flatmate was friends with because they met each other through his job in spain (his flat mate is gay and is from near us) so he tells me heís kissed her a few times and that they both like each other. Not even a random girl, it doesnít mean anything, no like full on said we both like each other. So from that point on he says stuff that I wouldnít of even dreamt he would ever say to me, like I didnít miss you as much as I thought I would, when I think of you with another guy it doesnít effect me that much like so much stuff. Heís sitting crying telling me this saying how sorry he is etc and Iím just shocked, like I kept saying to him I honestly donít know who you are, never once has he ever even kissed anyone like weíre both each other firsts. I think I should probably also say that when I was 16 on a girls holiday I kissed someone and that completely devastated him like last new year he cried to me on the phone saying he tried to kill himself because I made him feel so low about it. So anyway I let him stay, because the hard part is heís my best friend and I had missed him so much and also I didnít want to be alone even if it was him.

    Before we went to sleep he said I do want to try with you and I do think itís a mistake but when we woke up it was still ĎI donít know I donít know how I feel, Iíve been thinking about this for weeks and even being here with you I still donít have an answerí but after an hour he comes to the conclusion again that he does want to make things work. So I say to try and enjoy the day and show him that we can still have a good time together (because in my head I was giving him an excuse saying itís just because weíve not had proper time together in months) so we went to the Christmas markets and I did feel on edge which is normal surely but I did still feel hopeful. So before I dropped him home he did say ĎIíll phone the girl and tell her itís over and that we canít continueí so I said fine and thatís how we left it. That night I was supposed to be going out for my friends 21st so I did think that would take my mind off it but from speaking to my friends (one of them is very tough and takes no ) I felt I was worried more because I was still shocked by the full thing and they seen it for what it was. So getting ready I was just constantly thinking about it, he eventually tells me he calls her and explains everything so although I felt better about that I was still thinking so it was obviously serious if he had to call her ? Anyway I decided i wouldnít go out I felt horrible but I honestly felt I wasnít in the right head space and I would just ruin it for everyone. So he was at the pub while this was happening and I was texting him saying I donít think Iím going to go out and if I could see him after heís finished at the pub.

    Sounds stupid but I had missed him so much and heís literally always the one to comfort me whatever I go through so I was just trying to get that normality back while trying to figure out what was going on. I picked him up and he was drunk so his words werenít the best but he was saying stuff like heís messed up so bad and has ruined our relationship and was willing to make it up to me. He also said he felt a weight had been lifted off his shoulders after he told that other girl it was over. So that night I stayed because again I felt hopeful and I just wanted to because I really wanted a goodnight sleep (previous night I didnít have any sleep and Iím bad thinking about stuff when Iím on my own). That morning which was the Sunday he said heíd take me out mini golfing and that weíd have a really nice day so again although I was shocked at the situation because I couldnít get over all the stuff he had said to me I still felt hopeful. The day was weird although I was happy I was with him he was being off, he said he didnít feel well so I was kinda annoyed like if he felt sick then fine but he was the one that should be being nice to me not the other way around. So anyway after that went back to his and things were normal. Next day he came over and he felt off like he was hugging me and stuff but I thought he was just like that before he felt weird being around my family so just felt on edge.

    That night while texting him the topic of the holiday we had been planning to go on came up, and I asked him do you still want to go on it and his reply was obvs and I got annoyed at that because well obviously itís not obvious? Anyway I phoned him and he basically was saying stuff like well if weíre still together then obviously I want to go and just stuff in general about giving the relationship a try while heís home but not promising anything because he might feel different at the end of it. Next day he was in town buying my Christmas presents so i thought well it is a good sign heís still buying my presents you know. Texted for a bit during the day and then I had asked to come over and see him before we go to the pub for Christmas Eve. Things were fine but we had sex and it felt awful he was so rough like it really felt he was trying too hard. That night at the pub was awful too when I arrived he was drunk, he told me I looked nice and was being touchy feely but way too much like kissing me every 2 mins which isnít normal for us at all we usually donít kiss each in public. And whenever Iíd say right calm down heíd get so annoyed at me. When it got past 12 his friends had gone home so wanted to go home (the plan was that he would stay at mine have Christmas morning with us and then go see his family) but my friends were still there so I didnít want to leave yet, so he sat there sulking but he is an annoying drunk anyway. Eventually I said right letís go home cause he was annoying me.

    When we were walking home he was being very short, he would tell a story and in the middle of it Iíd say oh yeah did blabla not happen like trying to be engaging but he kept on saying stop interrupting me and just being horrible. Then when we got home we were in the kitchen and he was on his phone and I could just see that he had sent 3 love hearts to someone but he quickly put it away cause he could see I was looking so I freaked out and asked to see his phone (pretended I wanted to see pics or something) and I went onto his messages and the message was to that girl, I couldnít see what it said cause it was in Spanish but he wiped the phone off me and I screamed at him and asked what it said but he just stared at me and said Iím not telling you so I was just shocked like he is not the type of person to be horrible like that. So eventually he burst out crying and said that he canít do this anymore heíd been trying so hard but every time he kisses me has sex or whatever it feels like heís doing it with his best friend and it doesnít feel right. He then eventually told me that he had sex with this girl and the message said merry Christmas Thankyou for being part of my life im sorry things didnít work out, which is really weird like why wouldnít he of just said that at the time? Anyway Iím sitting shaking ing raging like how could he of done this to me knowing fine well heís been through it himself and how itís made him feel, and even when he knows how Iíve been feeling he still went and done it. So we spoke and felt the best thing would be to go on a break, but while heís home we still see each other because i do think if I donít see him itís going to be so easy for him to go back to Spain and think thereís nothing I want from that relationship so I wanted to show him that we can still have a good time. Anyway I let him stay because I knew if we had left it on a bad note I wouldnít of gotten any sleep and it was Christmas the next day. Next day I cried multiple times, he left early afternoon and I had such a day because where he was spending Christmas there wasnít good reception so I couldnít even speak to him or ask him anything because we didnít talk about how this break was going play out so I had so many questions. Anyway on Thursday night I went to go see my friend to tell her whatís been happening etc and she really put things into perspective for me so I left feeling a bit better but mostly angry. I phoned him that night asking him different things and I said that when he goes back to Spain I donít want to speak to him so thatís itís a proper break, and he agreed but I also said I donít think it would be a good idea to go back to this girl because thereís feelings involved I said if he honestly does see a future with me but not right now he would know not to go near her.

    I said this and he was so hesitant saying that he canít promise that nothing will happen ? So I just left it. He also said that he messaged her updating her on us and I was so annoyed at the because it has nothing to do with her but he said she messaged him asking how he is. I then said weíll I think itís more than fair that you dont text her when youíre home, he said he doesnít message her really anyway but yes thatís fine. I then went to see him last night and it was weird like he kept laughing and I said yeah I know itís awkward then we started talking about stuff again, we went to go lay down in his room and we were getting on well like it finally felt like it should. Then his pals came round and we all had a drink and things we just like we were all pals. I stayed so I didnít have to get a lift home, at first he was like is that not a bit far and I said well Iím going to stay with you when we go see your family for newyear (Iíve decided to still go cause Iím really close with his family and love his little brother, his friend is coming too so itís not just us) and heís staying at my flat the night before he goes, and also weíre fine hugging and stuff so I said well why not ? So we hugged a bit (was mostly me asking because I was cold) but apart from that nothing happened. This morning I phoned me friend again to update her, and she said she just thinks heís wanting to do the break rather than filling saying he wants to end it with me, that really he knows what heís doing. I also have thought that Iím not going to tell him to not see that girl or stop him from doing anything Because he should be doing what he thinks is right, like I really have this fear that if I donít let him just do want he wants heíll always have the idea of what if in his head.

    A part of me things that yeah when he goes back and we donít talk for ages surely it will give him a fright because I wonít be there anymore like we havenít gone a day without speaking for the full 7 years weíve been together. But then another part of me is thinking that when he does go back heíll think itís a free pass to get on with whatever he felt bad about doing before. And that after 2/3 weeks Iíll get a message saying he doesnít think itíll work out and itís not worth and the feelings he has for this girl are stronger than the ones he has for me. So now Iím thinking is it right to carry on seeing him because it will let him realise what we could have and heíll have more of a chance of missing me when he goes or am I just letting him have his cake and eat it ? Heís got her over there and me over here ? Heís still getting to spend time with me, heís getting everything he wants ? Hard thing about this is weíve grown up together itís more than just a relationship. So I need help on what to do I have never been in this situation before. Thankyou for reading I know itís a lot

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    53
    Posts
    37,283
    Gender
    Female
    Please break this into paragraph form. Gigantic walls of text are impossible to read.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    16,882
    Gender
    Female
    mayperson88...Please edit this thread into paragraphs, as this is almost impossible to read.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,554
    OP, may I respectfully advise you to break up the wall of text into reader-friendly paragraphs?

    You will get more responses that way.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,532
    Gender
    Female
    We certainly don't need that much detail. Point form and to the point will get better results.

    I just read the last paragraph. Breakup, and you both go experience life without each other for a little while. Once done experimenting, reunite and give it another try. I know a few couples that did this, they dated others for about 6 months..now they are together married with kids.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,530
    Gender
    Female
    e wasnít putting that much effort in in terms of making me feel better (I lost my gran last November, and my uni work was seriously getting me stressed, and I had also moved closer to uni for 3rd year so felt quite depressed aswell)

    you should have gone to grief counseling and not relied on him to make you feel better.

    I would break up. He cheated. I also think as you have grown up (you were children when you first started going together) that maybe you have grown into people who just want really different things now. I wouldn't call it a break, consider it over. Don't call/don't write.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,530
    Gender
    Female
    Iím not going to tell him to not see that girl or stop him from doing anything Because he should be doing what he thinks is right,

    no you should not tell him "go see that girl, because you feel its right". I would say "since you are sleeping with someone else, our relationship is over. I don't want to be someone who is dating another woman at the same time. sorry."

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,141
    If he is with someone else, then you need to be done. No contact whatsoever. Maybe, you can reconnect when you are living in the the same city.

    Time to date someone new, you have never known anyone else in this way.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,554
    Heís outgrown your relationship, and is having a hard time admitting it to you because he knows itís hurting you deeply.

    Youíre all heís ever known, and while you both experienced a lot of firsts together, he is ready to spread his wings and see what else is out there. Itís hard but most relationships that begin so young donít last forever. Understand that even if it werenít this specific girl, it would likely eventually be someone else. Heís not at a stage in his life to commit to you and only you.

    Let him go. Donít spend New Yearís Eve together. It will be awkward and painful for you, and it wonít bring him any closer to you. Lean on your family and friends to help you through this transition.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,939
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. You started dating too young and were together way too long. He and you both need to grow and explore life. He's doing the right thing pursuing his life and education and exploring life and dating others. You need to do the same. You were children when you met so now it's time to be individual adults.
    Originally Posted by maypearson98
    Me and my boyfriend have been going out since we were 14 and we are now 21. He is in his 3rd year of uni and studies french and Spanish however for his 3 rd he had to live abroad for a year.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •