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How do I deal with this


Almostgirl

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So I had a great male friend. He acted like my boyfriend. He spent all his free time with me. We were extremely close although not intimate. He works long hours & whenever he had free time - he would spend it with me. I should add that we are also neighbour's & I have kids, one of whom was very attached to him. I asked if he had feelings & he would deny it even though his actions - always buying me presents, looking after me, staying in contact - told me otherwise. My gut feeling also told me he cared. We both helped each other a lot. A month before Christmas I asked him to stay instead of going home. I had asked this before but I got annoyed & said he was acting gay - that I was offering it on a plate to him but he would rather go home.

He got annoyed & told me I needed a boyfriend. I was very upset

The next day he came over as soon as he woke up & said he had not slept very well. He tried to be as helpful as possible to me & kept calling over multiple times that day & also the next.

I waited one week & then told him how I felt but he said I was just a friend & nothing more. 😪

There has no been no contact for a month. My child is upset & I am devastated. He has tried to make feeble attempts to talk to me by trying to accidentally bump into me & also whistling at me in the street. He can see my house from his & I know he has been watching. I have seen him walking by my house looking lost. A mutual friend said he is very upset but yet he still makes no proper attempt to reach out.

I should also say he suffers from OCD & possibly on the autistic spectrum. We were only such a small step from a relationship & he has become very involved in our lives.

 

Help. I am pretty devastated by all of this.

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He's kind but not interested. Calling him "gay' because he turned down your offer to hookup was unkind and cruel. Agree with him...you need a bf. Your children need their own friends and they interaction with teachers, other relatives and their father.

 

Stop assuming he has all sorts of things going on from being "gay" to being autistic when the truth blatantly stands in front of you.. he is not into you or attracted to you. One thing he does have...self respect...for walking out of your life when you called him names after he turned down your attempts at throwing yourself at him. Yes get a life and start dating. And do not make whoever-man your kids pseudo-father.

I asked him to stay instead of going home. I had asked this before but I got annoyed & said he was acting gay - that I was offering it on a plate to him but he would rather go home.

He got annoyed & told me I needed a boyfriend.

There has no been no contact for a month. My child is upset & I am devastated.

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He doesn't sound all there. Sorry. Be realistic with yourself for your sake and the sake of your kids. This person might have other reasons but he's definitely not all there. Most people perceive appropriate from inappropriate. Whistling at you or watching you is not appropriate.

 

Let him go.

 

You can choose to be devastated or you can choose to accept and reintroduce happy times for yourself and your kids. Pull yourself together. You can do it.

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Thanks for the replies. Wiseman I did not call him Gay. I said he was acting Gay. He also acted very jealous of other men, wanted to know where I was at all times & who was texting me. He was also watching my house (seen on camera)

Sadly I do love him & am finding it very hard to move on. It was him coming to me all the time. Him ringing/texting & turning up at my door whenever he felt like it. Now I am left devastated my child has been very hurt. He spent every minute of his free time here. I cooked for him, he used my car, I did his washing. The friendship boundries were way overstepped.

Oh I am not making any assumptions. He has diagnosed mental health issues & I have helped him a lot with these. He has great difficulties with showing emotions & tends to avoid them.

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Ok don't be anyone's mother or therapist. It's best you develop better boundaries. You have zero respect for him. Also why are you allowing your child to bond with someone who has "mental health issues" supposedly stalks you etc? Stop. Why are you doing this instead of dating decent men and letting your child have quality time with their father and other family? Stop all this and start protecting your self, your car and most of all your child better.

I said he was acting Gay. I cooked for him, he used my car, I did his washing. He has diagnosed mental health issues & I have helped him a lot with these. He has great difficulties with showing emotions & tends to avoid them.
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You need to believe him when he says he doesn’t have romantic intentions with you. You weren’t one step away from a relationship if he’d consistently kept things from getting intimate - you were miles away from a relationship, but yet to really see that.

 

You’re correct that friendship boundaries were overstepped, but you both share accountability for that. It was unwise to get this close and let your child form a bond with him if he’d always stayed out of arm’s reach on a more romantic level. You appear to have known that he didn’t exactly feel the same way you do. I get that you held out hope but this is why it’s critical to exercises firmer boundaries and not integrate a man into your child’s life until you know that a true relationship is established and your goals for a future together line up. It also seems awfully risky to bring him around your child when you knew he had mental health issues and engaged in strange behaviour by watching your house. Did that not set off alarm bells for you?

 

For whatever reason, he doesn’t see a future with you. Don’t reignite this friendship, as it will only continue to hurt you and your little one. He’s not the one for you.

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I look after my child very well. Thank you. Just because someone has mental health issues does not mean they are not suitable to be around a child.

The way he was behaving I assumed a relationship was going to happen as any woman would! I assumed that this was the next logical step. He came to see us and was always bringing nice things for my child. He even brought presents for the dog. When someone is investing so much time & effort into your little family, of course you are going to think they want more then friendship. At several family functions, he never left my side all day long. Acting exactly like a boyfriend would. You are being very harsh! My own family & friends thought we were a couple. If I had known this was going to happen I would not have let him into my child's life. I feel bad enough about it without you being so harsh. I have also done nothing wrong

 

The watching the house I only noticed very recently due to a camera being installed. He was watching to try to " accidentally" bump into me.

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"...said he was acting gay." That was one very unkind thing to say, OP. He acted as a kind and caring friend. Granted, he has some issues. Who doesn't? But, you pushed and pushed for wanting more than a friendship. The guy told you that "I was just a friend & nothing more." You asked if he had feelings & he would deny it. What the heck more do you want??? You Give this guy a break, for crying out loud! At least he has self-respect. You were lucky to have such a kind friend in your life. Looks like your pushing ended in the demise of your friendship.

 

I'm sure it's hard for him to have lost a friend but perhaps you've learned a lesson in all this. I don't mean to sound harsh but when someone tells you, point blank, that you are just a friend, accept it. Don't push. Clearly, t was all in your mind that you "were only such a small step from a relationship."

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It's possible he is not comfortable or can't cope having an intimate relationship with anyone. He was quite happy being your friend because it gave him purpose. You got your signals mixed and how can anyone blame you? He doesn't want to be your BF sadly. As for him getting jealous, it would be no different than you finding a new BFF. He fears being rejected, and lose time spent with you and your kids. Maybe he's a lonely sot, and you are the only one that has accepted him. So of course he's going to do everything in his power to keep you. Now if I were you I would contact him with an email to "clear" the air. Explain to him he gave you the wrong impression, and should have approached the subject a little more gentler. Proceed to tell him that he is right, you need to start dating, now that you know his position on this subject. Final word, explain there will have to be boundaries set, like limit the amount of time spent, no more family functions, etc. or tell him this can no longer continue due to certain reasons, and the child has gotten way too attached..it would be a healthy choice to not continue with the friendship.

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He did not tell me I was just a friend until I did push it. He used to even turn up where I went shopping just to talk to me. He told one of the neighbours that he loved me. It was not all in my mind. I tried before to cool things down with him but he rang me non stop & text messages & then was over the next day trying to hold my hand. Everyone thought we were together because he was always with me. He was emotionally attached to me. Please don't make me feel any worse. This is far worse then any break up I've had. He was jealous of other men around me. It is seems like he wanted the benefits of a relationship without any commitment. He has since made several half arsed efforts to get my attention.

People are making out this is completely my fault but the reality is he knew exactly what he was doing. He has other friends he could have spent time with. Why me? I feel far worse now just for posting. 😣😭

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He did not tell me I was just a friend until I did push it. He used to even turn up where I went shopping just to talk to me. He told one of the neighbours that he loved me. It was not all in my mind. I tried before to cool things down with him but he rang me non stop & text messages & then was over the next day trying to hold my hand. Everyone thought we were together because he was always with me. He was emotionally attached to me. Please don't make me feel any worse. This is far worse then any break up I've had. He was jealous of other men around me. It is seems like he wanted the benefits of a relationship without any commitment. He has since made several half arsed efforts to get my attention.

People are making out this is completely my fault but the reality is he knew exactly what he was doing. He has other friends he could have spent time with. Why me? I feel far worse now just for posting. 😣😭

 

OK, so I truly apologise. It was not my intention to make you feel worse. I didn't quite realise how overbearing he was. And, telling a neighbour that he loved you? WOW! Now I'm confused. I re-read your message and now I see him as downright stalking you. So, let me say this: I think it's for the best that you email him and explain that he did give you the wrong impression and, because of that, you interpreted his actions as meaning something more. I say this because it's apparent that you are both hurting and rather than ignoring the situation (since he is your neighbour), you should set the record straight. I hope it all goes well for you, and him.

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Thanks. I think Smackie9 made some great points too. He has not had a relationship in a long time from what he has told me. The Stalking thing I have noticed several times but in all fairness I have never felt threatened or scared of him although he was a tad overprotective of me - like a fear something would happen to me. That could be the OCD. He would say he worried about me. He also sometimes told me what to eat & recently not to wear a low cut top when we were going somewhere together - as I would get cold. When out and about he would always try & pay for me. Sadly for him though some of his friends would use him for money & free jobs ( he is very handy) This would upset me because I would never do that to him.

This is a very sad situation & I miss him terribly but I am not sure how we could have a friendship when I have feelings.

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Did you mean "acting gay" as an insult? Or as a put down?

 

One of my kids is gay so I'm curious what you meant by that.

 

God no. Not as an insult. I have lots of gay friends. One of whom knows the situation & asked if I was sure he was not gay.

 

I am no supermodel either but this friend has made me feel very ugly.

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I saw & heard from him every single day. Often he called to me several times in the same day. I might see my friends once a week if I am lucky. The last few days I have really felt his loss. Christmas was horrible. I was most certainly not the only person who thought he was into me. He gave everyone that impression. It really hurts! Much more then any breakup I ever had.

 

A decent friend would not lead you on knowing you had feelings.

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In a way this is a good thing. You were in a faux situationship. Also with your description of his mental issues from being OCD, possibly autistic, emotionally stunted and possibly gay, this is not someone you should allow around your child. Have you had the "strangers" conversation with your child? Where is the child's father?

 

Why aren't you dating men who take you on dates and are romantic with you? It's not a breakup. It sounds like you are on the rebound and he was (in your mind, not his) some sort of fill-in. You called him gay when he turned your advances down. No wonder he took off. Have you checked the sex offender registry in your area or googled this guy? He sounds like a weirdo if you were doing his laundry cooking for him and all he wanted to do is hang around your child.

I saw & heard from him every single day. Often he called to me several times in the same day.
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I know he has these issues & being gay is not an issue. Nor is it unsafe for a child to be around someone who is gay. I was at no time malicious with him. I said he was acting gay in a joking way. Like he would stay with me until very late after being with me for hours & then go home. I have never thrown myself at him or made any move other then ask him to stay. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

Any woman is going to think a man is interested when he is always around her. He seems to be very uncomfortable around emotions. I could tell that he was very sorry the next day by his actions. He texted me which I ignored & called over to me 3 times in the space of 10 minutes. He knew he had messed up.

 

He wanted to be around us all. Not just my child. He has never given me any concerns in that way. Mental Health issues does not mean he is a danger to a child.

 

You are right. I absolutely should be dating other guys but I have feelings for him so I don't think it is fair of me to date anyone else.

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Christmas was not horrible for the children. I shield them from as much as possible. Christmas is the 1st anniversary of a big family loss for us & another close family member has very aggressive cancer. This combined with the sudden withdrawal of this guy from our lives has been very hard.

 

I do miss him terribly but he has lead me on. What else would a woman think when he was constantly here with us.

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I am sorry you are going through this. From what you're describing, it might have fooled anyone. Don't feel bad about yourself. Whatever this guy's mental issue is, he clearly isn't romantically into you. For some reason, he likes being part of your family but without the romantic involvement.

 

IMHO, you should take care of your family and yourself first, then, when you're ready, find yourself a good loving partner and father to your children. You might remain friends with this guy but you need to take a big step back and clearly draw the limits. Still, I believe he would be an obstacle for you in finding someone.

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Thank you. I feel very sad at the moment because we were also extremely compatible & he did seem to love being part of our little family. I did bring it up about us taking the next step but he would never give a direct answer.

It almost seemed that he wanted the girlfriend/family experience with absolutely no commitment to me. But that can never work.

It has left me very upset but if I had not pushed the issue - it would have gone on a lot longer.

 

I'm not saying his life is a walk in the park either now but he did have a choice in all of this.

 

I'm really not sure that we can be friends now or if it would be good for me. It seems his idea of friendship is very different to everyone elses.

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