Coping with the break up

Hi lovely people!

It has been five months since the break up and 3,5 months of NC. I came back to ask for some more advice/stories. I have accepted that we wont be together anymore, yet I find it so hard to get over him. I think about him all the time. I automatically compare him to other people and it doesn't help.

I started dating again but decided not to for a while anymore, they're not him and Im clearly not over him.

Ive been doing lots of activities, hiking, cooking, meeting up with friends. Still I think a lot about him, almost anything can remind me of him and I miss him. I guess the break up has a role to play as well. We where in the love stage still, after 8 months together LD (but seeing each other every month). After a big fight we broke up in his country. We had contact for a while in which we decided to maybe try again, after which he ghosted me. I still dont quite understand, we were very much in love and he quit his job to live in my country just before the break up. Im trying to find acceptance from within but also this is hard. Does anyone has some advice for me how to cope better with these (sometimes feels a bit obsessieve) thoughts? Im in therapy btw, helps a lot as well! Thank you, happy holidays x

Sometimes we want something so badly we get stuck in a loop trying so hard. I wouldn't try so hard to get over him. Just let it happen naturally. If you think about him now and then, don't beat yourself up over it. That cycle of doing something you perceive as bad, feeling guilt and then self-flagellation is no good. You're in a merry-go-round. Slow down and take it easy.

I also struggle ...very much so. I know my ex is currently in some exotic country to welcome a new year. He is enjoying cocktails by the pool and I am supporting my mum after dad' funeral.

I think about him all the time and I know he is relieved he finally has his freedom.

Next week I am back to work and I will try to start the new year with new fitness plan and will try to be more kind to people.

I hope I will stop to think about him soon.

I think best way for us is to stay no contact, for us ....

You doing so well for 3,5 months. Better days will come x

There is no quick fix, I'm afraid. What you are experiencing is normal. You have to let it run its course. How long? It depends on the individual's coping skills, I suppose. I will tell you that the key is time. Time is the healing salve. In time, your broken heart will mend, the pain will lessen and thoughts about him will slowly disappear, I promise. Continue the NC. The good thing is that you have accepted that you will not be together anymore. That, in itself, is a good start.

It's impossible to not think about him often, I understand. It happened so recently so give yourself a break. It sucks but thinking about him is normal. You will see things that will trigger some fond memory. That cannot be helped. He will haunt you in your quiet moments, before you go to sleep and perhaps even in dreams. I have experienced, and still experience, all this. What I find helpful is to focus on the bad things that happened during your relationship. Crazy? I guess, but that brings me back to reality. I was in a toxic marriage (29 years). Don't get me wrong, there were good times too. But, if I allow myself to think about the good times, it will undo all the progress that I've made thus far. It serves no purpose.

Sometimes we want something so badly we get stuck in a loop trying so hard. I wouldn't try so hard to get over him. Just let it happen naturally. If you think about him now and then, don't beat yourself up over it. That cycle of doing something you perceive as bad, feeling guilt and then self-flagellation is no good. You're in a merry-go-round. Slow down and take it easy.

Thank you for your reply, Rose!:)

I get what you're saying, I know time will eventually make things better. Still it worries me a bit that I still care almost as much as I did since the break up, never had this before. It really happened in one weekend (never had a fight before) and it makes it hard for me to understand. He really seemed like the man of my dreams, really attractive, soooo many similiair interest, good humor, sweet. He quit his job and we where looking for a place. His friends told me how much he loved me and that I changed him, I was the first girl he showed to his family. Still it went wrong in one weekend after some big fights, blame was on both sides. And after getting in contact again, from my side, in which he wanted to come this way and see me again to talk about it all, he started to ghost me (but still checking my Instagram stories even after deleting him on both sides). I find it hard to forgive myself for my part of the fight, what if I screwed it up? Im afraid I scared him off, I know he also really had a part to play but I can see my part as well and I regret it so much. I wonder if we would still be together if I handled things differently that weekend. Its a lesson, I learned a lot from it. But there are so many unanswered questions. It haunts me.

Wanted to answer with a small reply but it didn't work! Hope you dont mind 😘

I also struggle ...very much so. I know my ex is currently in some exotic country to welcome a new year. He is enjoying cocktails by the pool and I am supporting my mum after dad' funeral.

I think about him all the time and I know he is relieved he finally has his freedom.

Next week I am back to work and I will try to start the new year with new fitness plan and will try to be more kind to people.

I hope I will stop to think about him soon.

I think best way for us is to stay no contact, for us ....

You doing so well for 3,5 months. Better days will come x

Im sorry to hear that. Must be a really tough time for you.

I think its good that you start with a new goal for next year! Being kind to people is rewarding in both ways. Thank you for the reply, eventually things will get better for us indeed! 😘

There is no quick fix, I'm afraid. What you are experiencing is normal. You have to let it run its course. How long? It depends on the individual's coping skills, I suppose. I will tell you that the key is time. Time is the healing salve. In time, your broken heart will mend, the pain will lessen and thoughts about him will slowly disappear, I promise. Continue the NC. The good thing is that you have accepted that you will not be together anymore. That, in itself, is a good start.

 

It's impossible to not think about him often, I understand. It happened so recently so give yourself a break. It sucks but thinking about him is normal. You will see things that will trigger some fond memory. That cannot be helped. He will haunt you in your quiet moments, before you go to sleep and perhaps even in dreams. I have experienced, and still experience, all this. What I find helpful is to focus on the bad things that happened during your relationship. Crazy? I guess, but that brings me back to reality. I was in a toxic marriage (29 years). Don't get me wrong, there were good times too. But, if I allow myself to think about the good times, it will undo all the progress that I've made thus far. It serves no purpose.

Thank you for the reply, Goddess!

I agree on all points, time will eventually heal things and I shouldnt be to hard on myself. Focusing on the bad things is some really helpful advice, but unfortunately (in a way) I dont have many bad things to hold on to. I guess being in a 29 year long relationship must be tough since youre so used to be together and share a lot of both good and bad memories. On the other hand, like you say, you have the bad memories as well which probably got you to the point of finally breaking up (good for you btw!). We had one weekend in which it all went wrong. Two days which where good, two days of up and down fighting from both sides. We were never able to speak about it again, unfortunately. He never wanted to. Before this everything felt so good. We both had a role to play, but if leaves many unanswered questions for an ADD mind like mine.

Ok make an appointment with a physician MD for a complete evaluation. It's good you are going to ongoing support therapy but a physical evaluation may help you more with your moods, particularly given your family history. It would also help you stop dating inappropriate and impossible men, then ascribe the depression to that. You're in a cycle of depression-bad choices-more depression-more bad choices. Only you can break the cycle through appropriate self care..

Ok make an appointment with a physician MD for a complete evaluation. It's good you are going to ongoing support therapy but a physical evaluation may help you more with your moods, particularly given your family history. It would also help you stop dating inappropriate and impossible men, then ascribe the depression to that. You're in a cycle of depression-bad choices-more depression-more bad choices. Only you can break the cycle through appropriate self care..

A bit direct, doesn't make it any less true. I agree, self care is very important and these choices are (mostly) in my hand. Ill ask for a check up, will have to happen late this year, since Im gonna be away for a while from next week to explore the world. I am trying to break the circle and practice more in self care since a few months. I already notice a difference in my thoughts and the way I feel. Still I do feel this subject is something else. I find it hard to let go. I can go NC forever, but I cant quite find a way to accept the situation.This man might have been an "impossible man", but might have not. It didn't feel that way, he was very caring and sweet before the weekend it all went wrong (didn't spend enough time with him to find this out). I do need to learn or find a way to cope with this better. Got a feeling its holding me back. Thank you for your reply, Wiseman! Really appreciate it

Hand on heart - I think the problem isn't that you still love this guy, but that you still have an ideal man in mind (which it sounds like he wasn't anyway). You see him in an exotic land, welcoming in the new year drinking cocktails. Might be true but isn't that kind of a fantasy for how we would all like to see in the new year? And it also sounds like your own situation is pretty down at the moment (understandably) which is making the situation worse.

I guess what I'm saying is: you can get over a guy, but if you keep making him more and more perfect in your own head, you'll never get over the fantasy. I'm saying this because I'm in a similar place - I thought I'd met someone who was perfect for me, only to discover that they weren't, no matter how hard I wish for it.

I wouldn't dwell on the bad times, I get why that helps but who needs more negativity in their life? Maybe just use g

Ha I'm as a blueprint for what you need, and move on?

You shouldn't beat yourself up over having these thoughts, thats normal and fine. But in order to let go completley you have to feel through all your leftover feelings and pain that are behind these thoughts.