Ready to Date Seriously... Would Love Advice

If I were to sum up my experiences with dating thus far, I would say I was focused on learning how to date (how I like to date), experiencing different personalities romantically, becoming aware and taking ownership of my own patterns, getting comfortable putting myself out there while upholding my standards, and learning how to navigate expressing my needs and wants. My approach was a bit aimless, like I thought something magic would just happen while I was open to even not the best experiences for the sake of figuring things out. But as I come in to 2020 I am more prepared and ready than ever to date with the intent of finding my partner for life. For the first time in my life, I am writing out what I am looking for in a relationship, the qualities I find most attractive in a man, and my deal breakers. I have a clearer sense of my own needs, an appreciation for everything I bring to the table within a partnership, and I know my standards. In the past I was hesitant to walk away from good men that weren’t good fits, but now I want to date and be picky about it. Friend zone people more quickly at the first signs we aren’t compatible.

I’m 34 and live in NYC. A lot of people have a negative slant when it comes to dating in NYC, especially as a woman, but I’ve always held out hope that something would work out for me. I want to keep my positive attitude up. I’ve yet to date with this much intent to find my guy and be his girl. I would love a masculine man with his own passions and interests who has self-awareness and understands how to care for a relationship in his own ways.

I welcome all and any advice! I welcome personal stories and helpful tips as to what worked for you, what didn’t. For some reason, I feel a bit apprehensive taking this direct of an approach - I’ve always enjoyed the fun of dating, but I feel some men misinterpreted that fun-loving spirit as not serious material. I still want to be my playful self - but stay open to all possibilities until the right man steps up. How do I do this?

My advice is to be open, of course not about deal breakers such as if he's employed or not, if his values are different than yours, or if he has a temper, etc.

The last two guys I fell for (one is my current bf and we just had a baby) weren't guys that I would've predicted I'd be into. Previous guy is bald and doesn't know how to spell simple words, and has two kids. I almost blew him off but he called me on my lack of enthusiasm and for some reason I decided he was worth a few conversations. Something about the questions he asks and the way he thinks hooked me, and eventually I learned that we had matching values and incredible chemistry. Unfortunately he was on the fence and only tries to come back into my life when I'm dating som

Oops, dating someone else. My current bf is physically active but consumes so much sugar and McDonald's that he has a bit of a gut, but I think he's amazing. He's of an ethnicity where he has a chip on his shoulder about people of my ethnicity, which I wouldn't hav

Yes, be direct and know yourself. That's all there is to it. In the finding and the searching and the sifting there will be funny moments, jolting moments, great moments, sad moments. I think as people we are never impervious or immune to surprises and emotions that come up in any aspect of life. Don't be too alarmed if you find yourself reflecting again on the past now and then. If that need to find someone special becomes too overwhelming, dial it back a little. It's ok to take breaks. I took breaks from meeting people.

I'm not a fan of friend zoning individuals. If a date doesn't work out, I think it's better to bid that person well. People or company in general can slow you down if you're not careful about your friendships either. I think it comes down to mutual respect.

All the best and hope you have fun.

I don't know what I keep pushing, not Post. Anyway I wouldn't have tried taking that on but we are very happy together. That's my two cents, love will sneak up on you if you're open in certain ways but honor your values of course. Your person might not seem masculine to you at first. It's hard to know what will unfold, just look for one who treats you well and give it a few dates before you say no.

I think you just gave yourself the best advice: to date with clear intentions while being your authentic self.

While you can't control other people, or mold them to meet your standards, you do have full control over your intentions. Sometimes we need some blurry stretches for those intentions to come into focus, so think of your past dating experiences a bit like placing a knife in a sharpener. The formerly dull blade is now ready for the deeper cuts.

Speaking for myself, someone who didn't date with partnership explicitly in mind until I was 38, there wasn't some major shift in my approach. I went out, met people, had a ton of fun. Had some disappointment too, and disappointed people, as it goes. Probably the main difference was that I clearly stated, early, that I was interested in partnership. Not some heavy summit, not a loaded story of who I was and where I'd been to reach that point, not a performance of the "new," "serious," and more "direct" me, but a sentence expressed in a few seconds after a few sips of wine. Those who seemed to meet me on that plane were the ones I explored things with. Most didn't work out. Such is life.

I can relate to a "fun-loving spirit" being misinterpreted as "not serious." My thinking on that, in a word? Whatever! Just means someone doesn't have it in them to see you, which means they're not the person for you. All that matters is that you take yourself, and what you ultimately want, seriously. That's not something you express in "serious" conversations, but just in making certain choices, namely in who you invest time and energy in.

Ostensibly the only reason you're interested in finding a partner is because partnership sounds fun. Ergo, celebrate that, and have fun in the pursuit.

Unfortunately, dating is not ebay or amazon. You don't just find your future husband online and order it as some sort of new years resolution because you just ended thing with the fwb guy. Dating is not about a wish list for Santa Claus.

Go easy and get to know someone. Don't get over attached again and have fwb type situations. It's about demeanor and actions. Don't act like fwb. Insist on exclusive dating/sex and take it from there.

But husband shopping and reading dating coach books ok if it's fun great but it takes two people for things to line up right. "dating with intent" means husband shopping and sounds straight out of one of those snag a husband type books. Perhaps the last guy sensed this attitude and ran?

My advice remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563010&p=7188075&viewfull=1#post7188075

I come in to 2020 I am more prepared and ready than ever to date with the intent of finding my partner for life.

I’m 34 and live in NYC. I’ve yet to date with this much intent to find my guy and be his girl. I would love a masculine man with his own passions and interests who has self-awareness and understands how to care for a relationship in his own ways.

Oops, dating someone else. My current bf is physically active but consumes so much sugar and McDonald's that he has a bit of a gut, but I think he's amazing. He's of an ethnicity where he has a chip on his shoulder about people of my ethnicity, which I wouldn't hav

Is he respectful of you though? Congratulations on the new baby too. I agree with your point about letting things unfold.

but I feel some men misinterpreted that fun-loving spirit as not serious material. I still want to be my playful self - but stay open to all possibilities until the right man steps up. How do I do this? Can you elaborate on this and give examples? I don't feel like I can answer this if you don't.

Otherwise, it sounds like you have a good plan in place. A book that helped me think about having a more positive mindset and in a nutshell how my thoughts create actions that will eventually result in achieving my goals is called: The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

I credit it with guiding me to find my future husband. Ask the universe for what you want, and it will deliver. Be specific. Every night I asked for a man who would ease my troubles, not be the source of them, and that's who I held out for, and accepted. After ten years together, he still continues to make my life easier. Good luck.

Is he respectful of you though? Congratulations on the new baby too. I agree with your point about letting things unfold.

To Rose; yes, he treats me very very well and he gave me a shot at dating before knowing me, so he at least withholds judgement to some degree. He has friends of many colors but sometimes he says things as generalizations and I have to check him. I don't want to hijack this thread though.

What's wrong with dating in a large city like NYC -I think you're lucky! I dated for many years in a major city.

So for yourself -I'd rewrite the post for yourself -make it far simpler and more basic because using $100 words to describe basic simple stuff so many of us go and went through will lead to you getting in your own way - if you were explaining to a 5th grader how to find someone you click with -even platonically - to be best friends with - how would you describe it and how would you simply describe your concerns that your past might interfere with your goal?

For example -what does "self-awareness" mean to you? I have become far more self-aware when I am hangry so I don't snap at my child, for example. Do you want self-aware a la what Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat Pray Love or is it ok if he is "aware" of how to react in an appropriate way to strong emotions? That he is aware when he reacts out of prejudice instead of open-mindedness? That he is aware he forgot to put on deodorant (example listed as I did a few day ago while distracted on vacation).

Passions -what kind? Anything? I'm passionate about dark chocolate and sometimes my work and exercise. Is it ok if he is so passionate about his work that he has trouble doing stuff you consider to be "leisure" activities - or does passion then get lower on the priority scale?

How does someone "care for a relationship?" And can it be any way he chooses and if so why do you care? Don't most people who want a serious relationship take care to make sure it stays serious, stable, fun, happy. What specifically does he need to "understand" about that?

What does "masculine" mean to you? Get very specific.

That's what I mean -the lofty psychological woo-woo language is all well and good and idealistic and dreamy but if you want a serious relationship leading to marriage get real, get simple.

Here's a story. I had to become the right person to find the right person. My husband was the wrong person for me in our 30s when we seriously dated and the right person in my late 30s/early 40s when we got back together. Right before our wedding the officiant required us to attend a brief session with him. He said "look I know you two love each other - I am not going to ask if you love each other. But I want to know -what do you guys like to do when you're together?" So we said that we like to watch Seinfeld. He was thrilled with our response. He didn't ask if we were self aware/understood how to care for a relationship/whether we owned our patterns, leased them or auctioned them off to the highest bidder -he got real. You get real too, ok?

Here's what I looked for when I was husband hunting for many years in a major city -someone with values compatible to mine, a great work ethic, highly educated (like me), didn't think higher education or marriage was "just a piece of paper" (like me), same religious values, someone with a compatible sense of humor, someone I had chemistry with and passion for, who wanted a child, who wanted marriage and family and liked being around family, who had close friends, was fun loving, articulate, highly intelligent, financially stable, where we were in love with each other, where we both were comfortable waiting to have intercourse while enjoying being romantic, sexual, sleeping in the same bed all night long. Someone who valued being fit and healthy and valued volunteer work and the arts.

Don't "navigate expressing your needs and wants" - just speak them in a way that is adult, mature, calm as possible. Take things at a reasonable pace and understand that getting to know someone over a longer period of time is much more important than insta-relationship "I feel like I've known you forever"

Be proactive but unless you love being the one in control, the main planner -let him ask you out for the first couple of dates if possible but feel free to suggest a first meet if you first contact through a dating site. I met over 100 men in person on dating sites. I originally met my husband at work.

Just some rambling thoughts -best of luck!!!

But love is fun and playful! It's not serious as some pop psychologists would suggest. Don't change.

Relax. It's better to be single than in a poor relationship or marriage. You just have to meet the right man.

But love is fun and playful! It's not serious as some pop psychologists would suggest. Don't change.

 

Relax. It's better to be single than in a poor relationship or marriage. You just have to meet the right man.

LOL on "just". For some that was or looked easy. Totally not easy for me. And totally worth the loooong wait.

When I was in high school and college, I was completely inexperienced in the dating world, never ever had a boyfriend in my life, was always the shy wallflower and no one was attracted to me after college and when I started my career either. I truly and really felt like the ugly duckling all my life while all the other girls had dates galore. I pretty much gave up on the prospect of dating or anything to do with having a boyfriend because no man was ever interested in me, period.

Therefore, I concentrated on myself. I exercised, became fit, ate right, concentrated on my job, ascended during my career, enjoyed my financial independence to the hilt and without even trying, I started turning heads automatically. So what if I was late to the party? I had arrived! Before I knew it, I was asked out on so many dates, enjoyed dinners out and had to repeatedly decline dates because I was too busy with my career and I automatically attracted a lot of friends socially as well. I did not seek them. I was the one who was well sought after. Always remember, success attracts success and NOTHING is more attractive than self confidence and high self esteem. I had the world by the tail.

Keep in mind, when you ascend in this world, this is the time when you can afford to become more picky and choosy when it comes to men. You are able to whittle down your preferences by only accepting the best of the best regarding men in your life. They also want the same as they too, can afford to become very picky and choosy. If you want a masculine, successful, very moral man, go where they are. They're not at singles bars. They're busy whether at church, college, career, sports, volunteering at charitable good works and on the fast track in life.

Fastforward for me ~ I eventually I married a great man and we have two great sons. We live a very comfortable, settled, stable, harmonious life. The men in my life are very decent and honorable. I couldn't have asked for better. I'm very fortunate. However, I remained patient and I was very picky and choosy all along. I want nothing except high quality everything in my life. You can have it, too if you play your cards right.

Remember, it's YOU who is the magnet. Concentrate on YOUR life. Then it is like bees to honey without even having to try.

I wanted a Christian man raised with values and beliefs which were the same as mine. I wasn't about to settle for just any man. He had to be the right man from a great family. I struck gold with my husband. We have an amazing family.

You can have the man of your dreams if you are selective. Keep your standards high and absolute.

i like everyone's advice. I'd probably add something along the lines of listening to your gut. If someone doesn't get your free bird spirit, then they aren't for you. Some things you either understand and get, or you dont. They can't be explained.

I have felt judged bc of my own free spiritedness so I think I know what you mean. And I usually just let people think what they want. I can't be something I'm not and who are they to judge anyway.... the best is to just keep your own life the focus of your thoughts and time.

The world is full of people, places and opportunities. If something doesn't work for you, find something else. You be you and let people be themselves. Flow with the people that call you, ask how you are, and give them the same care and attention in return.

Ever since I started being more like this, I've been much more at peace with whatever is happening in life. The wrong people drift away, the right people stay connected. As you might imagine, my circle did get smaller, but one good thing about that is-- time for me and the little things that help me stay healthy and love myself. Cause you cant give what you don't have. hope that makes sense.