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Single dad seeking advice.


Jimbo251

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Hello and thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am on here seeking advice with my current relationship and if I am going about it the right way. I have a 5 year old daughter and really have not been in love for a long time and I have been in a relationship with this wonderful woman who I really do love and care for but I am afraid that having my child may scare her ( even though she really her very much ) and my daughter does also. I was never married but my gf was but never could have children. I met her her online and we hit it off and I have really been happy and hopeful but part of me feels I am keeping her from going out with her friends and I never would want that to happen.

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Don't hold back. Remain completely honest and forthright. Let your girlfriend decide whether or not your daughter will hinder her relationship with you. You need to be transparent about this.

 

Never conceal any information from your girlfriend because deceit and betraying trust are unforgivable.

 

You and your daughter are not preventing your girlfriend from socializing with her friends. There is time for everyone as long as the three of you know the truth. Do not fear.

 

Even though your girlfriend never could have children, you and your daughter have no control over whether or not she can bear children. It shouldn't be an issue so don't create issues when there aren't any! You will be ok!

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If she knows all about your daughter and you haven't misrepresented yourself in any way, then she is making an informed choice. If she knows full-well where things stand and she is choosing you over her friends all on her own, imo you hold no responsibility for that decision.

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I'm so happy for you that you have found someone to love. I can understand your apprehension, but I don't think you need to worry about her. As others have said, you have been honest and open, and she is making her own choices as an adult.

I hope your love continues to grow and you in time have a lovely little family together [emoji3590]

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How long have you been dating her? The best thing to do is take things day by day and enjoy her company with a wait and see attitude, and all will be revealed.

 

Women should always retain their friendships. If you're talking about a partying lifestyle, most people outgrow that with life changes, and find new ways to enjoy friendships.

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Do you normally suffer from anxiety? I'm not understanding your concern: if your girlfriend and your daughter get along and like each other, what is the concern about scaring anyone?

 

Have there been specific instances where your partner has had to choose between going out with her friends and being with you and your daughter? I'd be curious to know so as to understand where your concern is coming from.

 

Do you have other support networks in place for child care?

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Thanks everyone. I just think she likes to party a lot and for me I don't have the desire to go out every night and considering we are in our 40's those days are over for me as far as on a weekly basis. I think she is still in shock from her divorce which happened in 2010 but that is almost 10 years ago and I would think that she would be ok by now but who knows right?

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Are you even compatible then? I wouldn't want a companion on the opposite spectrum as me, if we didn't match on how much time to spend together and how much time to spend with friends. And does she have emotional baggage since she says she's in shock so many years after a divorce? I'm assuming you're in the honeymoon stage right now, and these issues will go from being pebbles to boulders as time goes by.

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Thanks everyone. I just think she likes to party a lot and for me I don't have the desire to go out every night and considering we are in our 40's those days are over for me as far as on a weekly basis. I think she is still in shock from her divorce which happened in 2010 but that is almost 10 years ago and I would think that she would be ok by now but who knows right?

 

What kind of partying? An occasonial girl's night? Or is she just simple social - going to fundraiser galas for charties, book club, is on committees. She is not in shock. This is who she is.

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I have been dating her for over 8 months. She is really a great woman and I think maybe all that is going on with her dad ( who has cancer ) may be the cause of the problem. He went in for surgery last week but all was good per the doctor. I don't want to crowd her and I do not have full custody of my daughter but I do have half of the summer and every other weekend and sometimes it is like every 3 weeks until I get my weekend due to the fact that I am a professional firefighter and work a 24 on and 48 off.

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I don't really suffer from anxiety however I am just happy I met a nice woman and I know she cannot have children and I think it bothers her sometimes. I dated women kids before and actually found them to be more empathetic towards others and I really enjoyed spending time with their children as well.

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All I'm really picking up on here is a pretty great relationship. She likes your daughter, likes spending time with your daughter, and I'm assuming is okay with your custody and work schedule? If she's someone who needs time and space to do her thing—well, you don't get much better than a professional firefighter with partial custody.

 

Is this empathy business a bit of a thorn? Still trying to locate what, exactly, has you unnerved.

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I have been dating her for over 8 months. She is really a great woman and I think maybe all that is going on with her dad ( who has cancer ) may be the cause of the problem. He went in for surgery last week but all was good per the doctor. I don't want to crowd her and I do not have full custody of my daughter but I do have half of the summer and every other weekend and sometimes it is like every 3 weeks until I get my weekend due to the fact that I am a professional firefighter and work a 24 on and 48 off.

 

How would this cause "partying?" (her dad's cancer)

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As previously reiterated, just be honest and go with the flow. See how this relationship will unfold over time which could take beyond 8 months.

 

She has a lot on her plate with her father's cancer, she prefers to party perhaps to distract herself from her pain, she's shocked from her recent divorce, can't bear children and she comes with a lot of emotional baggage. You need to ask yourself if you can accept her as a package deal or if you prefer a woman whom you have more in common with regarding lifestyle. It's not always practical to bend and sacrifice yourself for someone else because sooner or later you can't relate anymore because there's little in common if any. This is the part where you need to be realistic and practical.

 

Normally, people are together because they can relate to one another, they have a lot in common in so many ways, they have a certain shared lifestyle and habits. Know what your comfort zone is and what you're uncomfortable and impatient with.

 

Your patience or lack thereof will dictate where this relationship will go. In the meantime, enjoy and deal with problems later. See where this goes.

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I will definitely be patient. I think the thing that really annoys her is the fact that the mother of my daughter is so uncooperative with co-parenting and is a dictator. Every time we do something with my daughter my ex calls to talk to my daughter and even my daughter can't stand it anymore.

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She shouldn't be hearing all about that or have all this inflicted on her. That is for your attorney and your therapist. Not someone you just started dating. If your divorce is this contentious, maybe you're not ready to date until your custody and ex issues are under control.

 

Your daughter has the right to speak to her mother whenever she wishes. Get your daughter her own simple dedicated phone and number so she can do that. Do not take your daughter on dates. Get a sitter or arrange dates around times when you're free and she's with her mother.

I think the thing that really annoys her is the fact that the mother of my daughter is so uncooperative with co-parenting and is a dictator.

 

Every time we do something with my daughter my ex calls to talk to my daughter and even my daughter can't stand it anymore.

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Yes my daughter can speak to her mother and per our agreement it is once a day. I was never married and glad I wasn't because my daughters mother is a dictator which took me over 4 years to have overnights and I had to appoint a GAL to finally stop her from her vindictive nature. I have a right to be happy and so does my daughters mother the difference is I think my daughters mother is very scorn and wanted to have a relationship with me but the way she is I would be a prisoner in the relationship and miserable. My girlfriend now is very sweet and I appreciate her and how she can just ignore the nasty comments from my daughters mother. I want to have peace and harmony and do not want my girlfriend to feel stressed when she is around myself and or daughter.

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You gf shouldn't be around your stress or your daughter. Stop restricting the mother-daughter communication. That is cruel. Stop inflicting your hatred and issues with this on the new woman.

Yes my daughter can speak to her mother and per our agreement it is once a day. I appreciate her and how she can just ignore the nasty comments from my daughters mother. I want to have peace and harmony and do not want my girlfriend to feel stressed when she is around myself and or daughter.
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I will definitely be patient. I think the thing that really annoys her is the fact that the mother of my daughter is so uncooperative with co-parenting and is a dictator. Every time we do something with my daughter my ex calls to talk to my daughter and even my daughter can't stand it anymore.

 

Then why don't you set boundaries? Daughter calls mom right before she goes to bed at night. Daughter does not have to take random phone calls at whatever time mom pleases. And why are you telling your ex what your itinerary is. you pick up your daughter, and return her. Unless you are taking her out of state, she does not need to have the blow by blow schedule of what your plans are.

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What is cruel in my opinion is that a woman (daughters mother) kept me within arms distance for 4 years and caused us to be in court till finally the GAL saw through her and her evil ways. There is no reason she has to call our daughter 5 times during my visitation and even the daughter is tired of it. My ex is jealous and trying to ruin my relationship as she could never have one longer than 1 year and all I am saying is how do I explain to my girlfriend now that I cannot control what my ex does as far as her evil ways of manipulation?

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Exactly but my ex is a control freak and micromanager who is always into my business. The GAL told her if you refuse my recommendations as far as custody then I will recommend to the court that the father gets to be the custodial parent as I would be more cooperative in the co-parenting process.

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