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Ex who disappeared from my daughters life


cherryblossom2

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Hi everyone,

 

I’ll try to give a brief background to my story.

 

I met my ex when I was 37, he was the same age as me. We met on Tinder (not ideal I know!) this was 6 years ago. I said I wanted to start a family sooner rather than later due to my age, and he was ok about it. He told me he had a visa for Australia and that he planned to go in 6 months time. We agreed to see how things went as we really liked one another, and over the course of 4 months our feelings became much stronger and we started falling in love.

 

The Australia thing was the white one elephant in the room, and it started to cause problems within our relationship. He also had mental health problems, anxiety/panic attacks. So he broke up with me. Shortly after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. We didn’t use contraception a couple of times (yes I know it wasn’t a sensible thing to do). He essentially freaked out, and left for Australia. He sent me an email saying he was going and it wasn’t his intention to contact me. So I didn’t. It was heart breaking, but I decided to raise my daughter on my own.

 

She is nearly 5 now, luckily I’m financially stable and have a house etc so technically I don’t need him really.

 

Two years ago I got my brother in law to contact him to get some medical info we needed urgently. This was the first contact we had, he told me his mother had died. So I asked him if he wished to find out more info on his daughter. Over the course of two years we have very slowly built up contact firstly by emails, then to whatsapp and now to FaceTime with my daughter.

 

This Christmas he has come over for three weeks, he spent three days with us and it’s been lovely (he stayed in a hotel) he was great with his daughter. The chemistry is still there between us, but I get the impression he doesn’t want to leave his beloved Australia and lazily would like us to move their - which isn’t going to happen.

 

He is coming back next week again to see us before he leaves. I want to ask him a bit about the past, because I have so many questions. Like how could he leave his daughter and disappear?! Plus he doesn’t contribute towards her at all, so essentially he is having his cake and eating it.

 

I’m feeling a bit confused if I’m going to be honest about everything, my emotions are all over the place. Part of me would love us to all be a family, but a part of me can’t stand the man for what he has done.

 

We had lunch with his brother, and his brothers family (I had met them when we were together) and it was incredibly awkward. His brother didn’t look too impressed with me, so I dread to think what he has been telling him.

 

I just need a bit of advice how to deal with the situation. I would love to happy ever after, but I don’t think it’ll happen..

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You need to stop pushing this man who completely abandoned you, to be a part of your little family unit. You know it and I know it, and anyone who knows you two knows this wasn't meant to be. Blowing up at him, spilling your feelings will have him on that plane the next day and never talk to you again. Do you really want your daughter to be a part of this??? I'm sorry I know you would just love for them to have a relationship but I fear he's just going to slip away anyways, and I'm sure it will confuse the hell out of her. You need to be very careful about this, it could scar your daughter for life. I say it would be better to move on and meet a nice man who is responsible, and will unconditionally love you both. This guy ain't it.

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Excellent you moved forward and have your daughter. Unfortunately he was never on board with the whole married and family thing and told you upfront he is leaving for Australia. However it's great if your daughter has some sort of knowledge of and relationship with him. Strive for a decent life for your daughter and whatever she wants to know about her biological father. In the meantime consider finding a local man if you wish to live as a family with someone.

She is nearly 5 now, luckily I’m financially stable and have a house etc so technically I don’t need him really.

 

This Christmas he has come over for three weeks, he spent three days with us and it’s been lovely (he stayed in a hotel) he was great with his daughter.

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Thanks your right, I know the answer to this one. It’s just left me feeling a bit weird. I’ve never pushed him for anything. It’s been him who has asked to spend time with his daughter. He is nearly 44 and living in a flat share and surfs. Says it all really, I don’t think he likes responsibility.

 

When he was with us last week, he said out of the blue that he was ill when we were together, that he was destroyed when he found out about me and when his mother died it was all too much.

 

Well I want to find out more about why he felt it was ok to abandon his daughter. I feel I deserve and explaination.

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I'm sorry but I think it was actually quite selfish of you and your want of a relationship with this man to bring your daughter into this when clearly this man wants nothing to do with you, your daughter or the pat little family you dream of.

 

Let go of your hope and fantasy about this man that abandoned the two of you and clear your heart and mind so you can be open to meeting someone where-you-live that will love you and accept your daughter as his own.

 

How are you going to now explain to your daughter that the man she JUST met as her father, still doesn't want anything to do with her?

 

Time to let go and get on with your life free from Mr. Australia for good.

 

You feel you deserve an explanation? His actions explain it all... you just don't want to accept.

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He is coming back next week again to see us before he leaves. I want to ask him a bit about the past, because I have so many questions. Like how could he leave his daughter and disappear?! Plus he doesn’t contribute towards her at all, so essentially he is having his cake and eating it.

 

I suppose you can open this wound up and ask all the questions you want, but will it change the outcome? And if not, then why bother?

 

Having his cake and eating it too? I don't think that's fair. You opened this closed door and invited him in. He's doing so on his terms. If you don't like the terms then you should have stated the terms to begin with. If he knew them before hand he might have thought otherwise.

 

This is a man who didn't seem to want kids to begin with, ran away when the moment presented itself. You've laid out the red carpet for casual contact and now you want to squeeze him for answers?

 

I understand the disappointment, but don't go backwards. You have a beautiful daughter you need to focus on.

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You need to stop pushing this man who completely abandoned you, to be a part of your little family unit. You know it and I know it, and anyone who knows you two knows this wasn't meant to be. Blowing up at him, spilling your feelings will have him on that plane the next day and never talk to you again. Do you really want your daughter to be a part of this??? I'm sorry I know you would just love for them to have a relationship but I fear he's just going to slip away anyways, and I'm sure it will confuse the hell out of her. You need to be very careful about this, it could scar your daughter for life. I say it would be better to move on and meet a nice man who is responsible, and will unconditionally love you both. This guy ain't it.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

This man is not capable of much, and is Certainly not able to be a father. You need to put your daughter's needs ahead of your own. This guy has not been there for her emotionally or financially, I don't give a damn that the feelings are still there. If you really want to mess with your daughter's emotional health, then continue to interact with this bozo. I hope you will make the right decision and cut him off.

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So do you think I shouldn’t say anything and just keep him in our lives casually? But not ask for any money?

 

Don't ask for personal details. That moment passed. Besides, I am pretty sure you know the answers.

 

Of course you can ask him for financial support. But check your motives for asking. Pretty sure you mentioned you were financially set and didn't need his help.

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It sounds like you have a grasp on the situation. Focus on your daughter. She will be curious one day about her father. He is part of who she is so go easy on that. No one wants to think their father is some beach bum loser who abandoned them. As far as trying to be a happy family with him? It was never in the cards. He never signed up for being a father and was upfront about leaving for Australia soon after you met.

He is nearly 44 and living in a flat share and surfs. Says it all really.
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What is his job?

 

I would look into your legal rights, but I really doubt this loser will make any effort in the future.

 

I hope you do not continue down the same path with this guy. You need to shut all of this down.

 

What ever attracted you to this individual?

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At the time he wanted to end things and asked you to have a termination. He never intended to stay in the UK or have a family. You can resent him and attempt to petition/ask for child support but in the long run he doesn't want to be part of this.

 

If your child knows she has a biological father you'll have to deal with that as she starts asking age appropriate questions. Do not take this out on her.

 

It seems like nothing has changed since this thread :https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=478738&p=6062260&viewfull=1#post6062260

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Check your motives, Cherry. Your whole opening post reeks of you wanting this man in your life, no so much about being in your daughter's life. He didn't even contact you for the entire five years of your daughters life so it's not like he wants to be in her life at all but now that YOU opened the door, he's become curious at best. If this relationship between your daughter and her father takes off, how are you going to feel when he wants her to visit him in Australia for weeks on end without you?

 

May I ask what this urgent medical information is that you needed that gave you reason to open said door?

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My motives are that I think it’s wrong that he is in my daughters life and doesn’t contribute. He has the badge of ‘dad’ which he asked for btw, but does f**k all for that title. It’s the principle.

He didn't have any of this until you invited him to it with no absolutely strings attached. Now you want him to pay for it? I get you're angry, but it feels like you've set him up.

 

I don't even know the guy and I would have bet my money it would play out this way. Surely, somewhere you knew it too.

 

You aren't a victim here. You got involved with a noncommital man with a plan to leave, had unprotected sex and chose to keep the child.

 

Disappointed that it turned out this way, of course. But you have no grounds to retaliate or punish him.

 

Outside of all of this, what is best for the daughter? The best thing for the daughter is that she have a healthy relationship with her father. What can you do to facilitate this and is it possible? It will require, however that you set your ego aside. Can you do that for the sake of your daughter?

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The medical condition is private, sorry it’s something I don’t wish to discuss on here. But it was important I had it as our Gp requested it.

 

He actually asked this visit if my daughter would visit him, I replied back saying it was expensive and jokingly (Before anyone shouts - I need to reiterate I said it jokingly!!) that he can come and collect her and deal with the 24 hour journey because I couldn’t do it. Btw I have no plans on going. His response was that he thought that I may like to go too to check it out..

 

I think when she grows older she will realise on her own what type of person he is.

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He actually asked this visit if my daughter would visit him, I replied back saying it was expensive and jokingly (Before anyone shouts - I need to reiterate I said it jokingly!!) that he can come and collect her and deal with the 24 hour journey because I couldn’t do it. Btw I have no plans on going. His response was that he thought that I may like to go too to check it out...

 

Asking for a 5 year old to be shipped to another country to a man she doesn't know is a pretty safe request to ask for. . No mother would in her right mind agree to that. Pretty sure he knew what your answer would be. But he gets to smell good for asking.

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He works in theatre. It’s not particularly well paid.

 

I had been in a long term relationship before I met him (15 years) had very little dating experience and was naive to red flags. Now that’s a different story! If I met him now I would give him a wife berth.

 

But, you are contemplating a future and family life with this guy?

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What if he applied for partial custody and started giving you the run around? He certainly could. What if because of the games, your daughter ended up living in Australia part of the time? You need to put down the hatchet and start thinking long term even if you didn't before.

 

She may grow to resent you when she gets his side of the story and how you decided to have her on your own as a deliberate 'oops', unmarried and knowing he was leaving. Two sides to every coin so think before you act.

I think when she grows older she will realise on her own what type of person he is.

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Of course not! I said it jokingly to him as the flight would be a nightmare with a young child.

 

I'm just surprised you wouldn't just give him a "No, she won't be visiting you without me present and I'm unable to so that's, that." Did He know you were joking? I think not since he responded with "I thought you would like to go too to check out the country." (or some such)

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