Is he gay?

Hi, I am unsure whether this is paranoia on my part so just wondering others opinion. I am in a new relationship of 10 months with a lovely guy. He has issues maintaining an erection at times. I brought this up once but he completely shut down about it. Recently I have noticed that he comments a lot on other men’s appearance and will often comment when he sees a “handsome man”. I asked him recently which female celebrities he found really attractive and he paused for a moment and then commented that he couldn’t think off hand but could tell me which men he thinks are handsome. I found that a little strange. I also feel that I would happily have sex with him every time we met but he sometimes doesn’t seem bothered with it. We do have frequent sex though. Our relationship is going well but he has been slow enough to commit but that is improving. We really connect personality wise and I am an attractive woman. Am I reading into this? Otherwise he is a very manly guy and wouldn’t give off any stereotypically gay vibes.. {apologies if that doesn’t sound PC}

I would not be comfortable with a man commenting about other men in that way and in that context whether or not his orientation is gay or not. Does he shut down about talking about other personal stuff? What is lovely about him? I was very serious with a man who years after we ended things came out as gay. zero signs of it when we were dating. So I don't know that you need to know whether he is gay or straight but whether you're ok with him being focused on other men's appearances in the way he is. I was turned off if a man had a very effeminate voice -deal breaker -I didn't care whether he was gay or not I just knew it was a total turn off as far as being in a romantic relationship.

I think he was self conscious about his own appearance growing up and maybe he compares himself to other men? I was also thinking this might be the case as I do this with women sometimes? I don’t mind if that’s all there is to it. I just started feeling a little uneasy about it when I asked him the celebrity question and then started putting 2 and 2 together with the erection issues etc and hopefully coming up with 5?! He’s smart, kind, fun and we have lots in common. We’ve got similar values etc. It feels good with him.

i am smitten wth my guy so couldn't immediately tell you what actors are attractive, though i could immediately tell you which actresses are way prettier than me or who i think looks like me etc. btw, he may be nervous about telling you which women are attractive because you could be mad if he does - if they don't look like you, have bigger boobs etc

I think you may be jumping the gun. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Be more YOU-focused and less him-focused. You're overthinking a bit about a very small bit of information in the larger scheme of things. Ask yourself whether you're responding in a way that is positive, happy, well-balanced in the relationship. How are his demeanours and comments affecting YOUR life and your thoughts (your quality of life). If you can answer that it's a small part of it and negligible in the big picture, you're overthinking these details.

If you are deeply bothered by it, have an open conversation about it. Speculating is not going to do anything for you.

I agree that asking him about female celebrities is pretty much irrelevant when it comes to sexual orientation.

Are you a different culture than he is? How old is he? Does he have health problems? It sounds like you are rather naive and inexperienced and that you focus too much on your attractiveness. It sounds more like he may not be as into this as you are because of your shallowness and confronting him about the ED . And no not every guy who is put off by you or not into you is gay.

He has issues maintaining an erection at times. We do have frequent sex though. I am an attractive woman. Am I reading into this? Otherwise he is a very manly guy and wouldn’t give off any stereotypically gay vibes..

I suppose the moment you start wondering such things it would be time to reevaluate staying with him.

I can only imagine if I picked up a feminine vibe from my boyfriend, one that is strong enough for me to question his sexual orientation, it would be the time I admitted to myself that my attraction to him had changed . . . or at least challenged.

He has issues maintaining an erection at times ... I also feel that I would happily have sex with him every time we met but he sometimes doesn’t seem bothered with it ... We do have frequent sex though

Also, it's fine if you're not comfortable with his appreciation of good looking guys, but generally speaking dudes after a certain age and level of experience have learned the lesson that the women we're with tend not to be the biggest fans of hearing how good other women look. Ergo vocalizing a man crush on Henry Cavill in the Witcher series is pretty safe talk, while it doesn't inherently mean he doesn't find actresses or women in general attractive.

Obviously he's not gay but if you think he is having sex with men on the down-low, you need to ask him and start using condoms and get yourself tested for STDs. If you are calling him names because after 10 months it's gotten a bit dull, well then you need to talk about that also. Stop using ridiculous criteria and "tests" to figure his sexuality out. He could be vain and he may be getting bored with you. That is far more likely than a "gay" man wasting his time with you.

I just started feeling a little uneasy about it when I asked him the celebrity question and then started putting 2 and 2 together with the erection issues etc

So you think the answer to why he has a lower sex drive, suffers from ED and the occasional comment about a guy that is handsome is that he must be gay? That's like a guy that gets rejected by a woman says "OH she must be a lesbian...." Obviously your relationship is not going too well if you are coming here for answers. He is not fulfilling your expectations, you don't feel as desired like you should, and it feels like he's just going through the motions, then it's time to quit it and move on. This is why we date...to find out about them, and see how they treat you, and if they do fulfill your expectations in almost every way. Now you know this isn't great, it's 10 months in and you are questioning the integrity of this relationship. He's not cutting it, so why question it....I say end it. You can't make it any different than it already is. Does it really matter if he's gay or not...not really. What matters is how things are and the fact you don't like it.

Look I think there is nothing exactly there that straight out points to him being gay. Having trouble maintaining an erection doesn't necessarily have anything to do with it, or even to do with you. I've been with guys who had trouble with it and they were very into women and into me. I'm pretty sure the guys I was with who had trouble had shyness and anxiety about their performance which led to that. Another two guys with ED were on antidepressants for their mental illness and the medication had those side effects. Some men also might have some physical problem in and of itself, who knows?

How often does your boyfriend comment on handsome men? If it's rare then that's probably no more so than your average guy. You seem to be coming from a perspective that men are supposed to behave in a certain way but that's actually just societal stereotyping. Women often comment: "Oh, that girl is so pretty!" and these are completely straight women and nobody suspects them of being a lesbian. But if a man makes that comment then automatically he is gay?

Some men also don't subscribe to "gender norms". I have a fully straight male friend who put on nail polish a couple of times just because he liked it. I'm bisexual and we went to the Pride March and he said he wanted me to put make-up and glitter on him.

I mean what would really be your boyfriend's purpose of being with a woman if he's actually gay? Does he come from a religious or strict culture where being gay is not acceptable? Are his family close-minded? If not then why would he pretend he likes women and not just be gay?

I think the best thing if you're so concerned is to try talking to your boyfriend about all this again. Talking about erectile dysfunction is an embarrassing topic for men though and in my experience most will try to avoid it. So that also has nothing to do with being gay. I think you need to try to be gentle in how you discuss it and not make him feel bad.

i am smitten wth my guy so couldn't immediately tell you what actors are attractive, though i could immediately tell you which actresses are way prettier than me or who i think looks like me etc. btw, he may be nervous about telling you which women are attractive because you could be mad if he does - if they don't look like you, have bigger boobs etc

What she said 100%.

It sounds like you’re happy with this guy and things are good.

lol at this thread. I don't know what to say.

I guess if he's that much of a turnoff you'll leave and the problem will be solved.

What she said 100%.

 

It sounds like you’re happy with this guy and things are good.

And my guy has told me that decent guys don't go around telling their wives and girlfriends which woman is attractive, because they might get a punch in the face. I mean, If you find Christina Hendricks attractive (voluptuous red head) and your girlfriend has black or blonde hair, is rather tomboyish and is mistaken for a 14 year old boy when she wears her hair in a baseball cap, or if its Halle Berry and your girlfriend is 300 lbs and a redhead, the woman starts analyzing it.

Unless you say "i find x celebrity attractive because i think she resembles you," that's the ONLY way of getting out of it. So just because he doesn't comment on women means nothing. It means he values his relationship and teeth