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Thread: Is he gay?

  1. #1
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    Is he gay?

    Hi, I am unsure whether this is paranoia on my part so just wondering others opinion. I am in a new relationship of 10 months with a lovely guy. He has issues maintaining an erection at times. I brought this up once but he completely shut down about it. Recently I have noticed that he comments a lot on other men’s appearance and will often comment when he sees a “handsome man”. I asked him recently which female celebrities he found really attractive and he paused for a moment and then commented that he couldn’t think off hand but could tell me which men he thinks are handsome. I found that a little strange. I also feel that I would happily have sex with him every time we met but he sometimes doesn’t seem bothered with it. We do have frequent sex though. Our relationship is going well but he has been slow enough to commit but that is improving. We really connect personality wise and I am an attractive woman. Am I reading into this? Otherwise he is a very manly guy and wouldn’t give off any stereotypically gay vibes.. {apologies if that doesn’t sound PC} Getting Ready for a First Date

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    I would not be comfortable with a man commenting about other men in that way and in that context whether or not his orientation is gay or not. Does he shut down about talking about other personal stuff? What is lovely about him? I was very serious with a man who years after we ended things came out as gay. zero signs of it when we were dating. So I don't know that you need to know whether he is gay or straight but whether you're ok with him being focused on other men's appearances in the way he is. I was turned off if a man had a very effeminate voice -deal breaker -I didn't care whether he was gay or not I just knew it was a total turn off as far as being in a romantic relationship.

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    I think he was self conscious about his own appearance growing up and maybe he compares himself to other men? I was also thinking this might be the case as I do this with women sometimes? I don’t mind if that’s all there is to it. I just started feeling a little uneasy about it when I asked him the celebrity question and then started putting 2 and 2 together with the erection issues etc and hopefully coming up with 5?! He’s smart, kind, fun and we have lots in common. We’ve got similar values etc. It feels good with him.

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    i am smitten wth my guy so couldn't immediately tell you what actors are attractive, though i could immediately tell you which actresses are way prettier than me or who i think looks like me etc. btw, he may be nervous about telling you which women are attractive because you could be mad if he does - if they don't look like you, have bigger boobs etc

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you may be jumping the gun. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Be more YOU-focused and less him-focused. You're overthinking a bit about a very small bit of information in the larger scheme of things. Ask yourself whether you're responding in a way that is positive, happy, well-balanced in the relationship. How are his demeanours and comments affecting YOUR life and your thoughts (your quality of life). If you can answer that it's a small part of it and negligible in the big picture, you're overthinking these details.

    If you are deeply bothered by it, have an open conversation about it. Speculating is not going to do anything for you.

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    I agree that asking him about female celebrities is pretty much irrelevant when it comes to sexual orientation.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you a different culture than he is? How old is he? Does he have health problems? It sounds like you are rather naive and inexperienced and that you focus too much on your attractiveness. It sounds more like he may not be as into this as you are because of your shallowness and confronting him about the ED . And no not every guy who is put off by you or not into you is gay.
    Originally Posted by Peanut450
    He has issues maintaining an erection at times. We do have frequent sex though. I am an attractive woman. Am I reading into this? Otherwise he is a very manly guy and wouldn’t give off any stereotypically gay vibes..

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I suppose the moment you start wondering such things it would be time to reevaluate staying with him.

    I can only imagine if I picked up a feminine vibe from my boyfriend, one that is strong enough for me to question his sexual orientation, it would be the time I admitted to myself that my attraction to him had changed . . . or at least challenged.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Peanut450
    He has issues maintaining an erection at times ... I also feel that I would happily have sex with him every time we met but he sometimes doesn’t seem bothered with it ... We do have frequent sex though
    I mean, so which is it? You successfully have sex frequently and it appears sometimes he's just human and isn't feeling it? Or he's going limp inside you every time? Kind of important as it would be extraordinarily shallow if him not being a sex robot and him appreciating male aesthetics leads you to label him as gay.

    Also, it's fine if you're not comfortable with his appreciation of good looking guys, but generally speaking dudes after a certain age and level of experience have learned the lesson that the women we're with tend not to be the biggest fans of hearing how good other women look. Ergo vocalizing a man crush on Henry Cavill in the Witcher series is pretty safe talk, while it doesn't inherently mean he doesn't find actresses or women in general attractive.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Obviously he's not gay but if you think he is having sex with men on the down-low, you need to ask him and start using condoms and get yourself tested for STDs. If you are calling him names because after 10 months it's gotten a bit dull, well then you need to talk about that also. Stop using ridiculous criteria and "tests" to figure his sexuality out. He could be vain and he may be getting bored with you. That is far more likely than a "gay" man wasting his time with you.
    Originally Posted by Peanut450
    I just started feeling a little uneasy about it when I asked him the celebrity question and then started putting 2 and 2 together with the erection issues etc

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